Engaged Woman Seeking Help

Tiana

New member
I am a woman who is engaged to be married soon before Halloween this year, but I am finding myself in crisis and am tearing myself up over feelings which I do not know are normal or not.

My fiancée proposed to close to a year ago and I could not have been more excited about it. He is kind, has a great sense of humour, is happy to support me, and his family likes me and gets along with me. He is Christian and while he does not attend church he knows alot about scripture. His negative traits are that he is stuck in his ways and much as he pretends to be open minded he is not.

Bearing this in mind, this is what has happened. A few months after his proposal I met another man. He has found and released parts of me I never knew existed and I very much enjoy. My feelings for him have grown and he has revealed his feelings for me also. To keep things straight I will simply call him John, and my fiancée Bob.

Bob knew about John well before John ever revealed his feeling to me, and before I had developed feelings for him. Bob knew of him when John and I were still friends. At that time Bob already had a bad feeling about John which he could not explain of back up. At that time I assured Bob that his concern was unfounded, that I loved him and he had no need to have bad feelings. At that time Bob didn't see John as a threat Bob just had an uneasy feeling about John.

Well time went on, and I started to spend more time with John and learned more about him and he me. He unlocked parts of me that I never knew existed (though the clues had always been there in retrospect), which I very much enjoy.

Now as my wedding date draws closer I am tearing myself apart, becasue I do love both Bob and John, which I never knew possible. I was brought up Christian, while I was not devout, I do believe in God, but know very little about scripture. The good little Christian girl is telling me that my feelings for John are wrong and I should never have allowed things to happen with him as they did, but the other half of me is telling me how much I enjoy that time and do not want to give it up. Because of Bob's beliefs I am certain that if he knew that I love both him and John he would be angry and our potential marriage would disintegrate. My family also loves Bob very much and have been excited and joyful in the planning of my wedding with me and are happy for me.

Bob and I do have our problems, and I am very much afraid to tell him about things with John. I do not know what to do. It tears me apart inside. Soon I will be moving in with Bob and will have to hide my relationship with John because I can not give that up, and I believe Bob will be very hurt and not understand how I can still love him even though I do love John too.

The good little Christian girl in me feels like John is a temptation sent by the devil, but then why does it feel so good and so right when I am with him? Or is this a test sent by God to test my faithfulness to my future husband? Is it wrong to love two men like this?

I need help and advice, I can not call off the wedding, I do not want to hurt Bob, but I am tearing myself apart right now with my feelings. I will have to hide my relationship with John when I move in with Bob and my time with John will be harshly limited. What should I do? I just don't know....
 
I am not Christian, but I grew up Christian. From what I see, scripture can be used to justify just about anything.

As an example, some people will talk about wanting the traditional or Biblical definition of marriage in debates on gay marriage. They may quote portions of scripture that support the version of marriage they would like to exist. However, they ignore all the other scripture that does not support their definition of marriage. For example, an Old Testament view of marriage would have to include raped women marrying their rapist. Women who marry but are not virgins should be stoned to death in front of their parents. Polyandry would be legal but not polygyny.

So people tend to play a game where they quote portions of the Old Testament and portions of the New and mix and match them to fit the views they want to have in the first place. This leads to many, many different possible "Biblical" views as seen by the more than 30,000 denominations of Christianity. (This is probably coming across harsher than intended, but I have seen so many people who hurt themselves trying to follow rules told to them by a preacher or culture.)

So my advise would be to figure out your morality from simpler principles. The Golden Rule (or some equivalent) is a great start. Work from there. Treat others as if you were them.

For this situation, I think you need to settle this before it becomes a big issue. Be honest with Bob and John about what you think and feel. See if you can get Bob to try to understand polyamory. Maybe get a book on it or invite him to talk to people who practice polyamory. A hidden relationship will just poison your marriage.
 
The thing is I've only just discovered I can love more than one person at a time. John was the first occurrence of this. John understands my feelings and worries for me that things might break between Bob and I if I do not tell Bob the truth, but I know Bob will not understand.

I didn't even know it was possible to love more than one man at a time until John came along, and both John and Bob can give me different things that the other can not. I don't know anyone else who loves more than one person, and those people I do know here would be against the idea. I don't want to hurt Bob, but I know he will not understand this. And I am conflicted, so much so it hurts and I have cried many times about this with John when he has brought it up that I need to tell Bob about things before we tie the knot and it is too late.

My family does not know about John or my feelings for him, nor do I think they would ever understand. They have inadvertently come to expect my marriage, are excited about it, and they want me to be happy. I worry I will not find this being bound to Bob, but he is so very stubborn about things, and close minded, that I doubt I could open his heart to understand this.

I am at this moment very scared and confused.
 
I need help and advice, I can not call off the wedding, I do not want to hurt Bob

I don't think those two things are compatible. Bob is expecting to be married to someone who is in love with him and him alone. That's not you. It's not fair to him to let him enter a marriage under false pretenses. If you give up your relationship with John for the sake of going through with the wedding and being married to Bob you'll be heartbroken. Bob deserves a non-heartbroken new bride; someone who is thrilled to be entering into a marriage with him.
 
I don't think those two things are compatible. Bob is expecting to be married to someone who is in love with him and him alone. That's not you. It's not fair to him to let him enter a marriage under false pretenses. If you give up your relationship with John for the sake of going through with the wedding and being married to Bob you'll be heartbroken. Bob deserves a non-heartbroken new bride; someone who is thrilled to be entering into a marriage with him.

Everything above. You're trapping yourself and your fiancé. That is not healthy or fair to anyone.

Be strong and forget "what other people will think" this is too important to ignore.
 
I'm so sorry you are hurting so much!! You have definitely found the place to come for support and understanding. Read as much as you can on this forum. As you can see, there are many people here who love more than one person. I am a woman, 53 years old and in love with 5 men. I have known these men for 12 years, 10 years, 9 years, 2 years and 1 year. They all know about one another and they all know and like one another (except the newest one- he hasn't met anyone else yet because I'm not sure if he will be around for the long term)

I wanted to comment on something you said. You said that you can't cancel the marriage. Can't means won't. There is no such reason why a person "can't" cancel a marriage.

Also- I worked in a ministry for 5 years for people dealing with grief after divorce and I will tell you this....it is very devastating. The only thing every one of the divorced people had in common was that they had doubts even when they were walking down the aisle. Do not enter a marriage where you have doubts. Trust me, it's not worth it.

You did not share you age with us (or at least I didn't see it) so I'm going to assume you are young. Maybe you could take a few deep breaths and realize that you have a whole life ahead of you. There is absolutely no reason that you have to rush into a marriage at this time.

My lifestyle is a result of many years of
1- knowing what I want
2- believing I deserve it
3- talking to the people I love about it
4- being patient

I'd like to share one more thing with you, something that happened after a party at my house. The evening ended and only Richard and Charles were left (two of my lovers) We all cleaned up the kitchen and talked for over an hour about what all had transpired at the party.

It was getting time to go to bed and the question was in the air of who would sleep with me and who would sleep in the guest bedroom. There was no answer for that in my mind. I wasn't’t comfortable with one of them being in the guest bedroom and probably would’t be able to sleep knowing one of them was in there and one with me.

So- I asked if we could all sleep in my bedroom. They both know how picky I am about having the left side of the bed where I have my lamp, clock, book, water, earplugs etc. So- the question they both had was “Who would sleep where” so I said “Me in the middle, of course!”

I said “If anyone wakes up with a hard on, please insert it”….. OMG…..It took me about 45 minutes to get to sleep while I held my earplugs in my hand and listened to each of them snore in their own way! I was so happy and just thrilled. For a while there I was scared I would’t be able to sleep at all due to the excitement of having them there with me. They get along so good too and enjoy each other’s company so much! Charles did wake me up and oblige my request and then we went back to sleep.

We woke up and Richard asked if I remembered how to make the homemade waffles we used to make (back in the days when we were in a monogamous relationship and spent a lot of time together). I said- sure but we needed a few items. Charles volunteered to go to the grocery store. It’s quite a production, but they sat at the bar and we talked and shared and laughed while I made the waffles. The last 3 waffles are always the best, so I made a whole batch, but waited until the end before serving the perfect waffles which were crispy on the outside, but very soft…they just melted in your mouth! It was awesome to be able to share the morning with them after a night with them!!

I know that might seem impossible to you, but I'm just saying....it really happened!!!!!
 
Sorry to be blunt, but sometimes that's just required.

You love two men. You're engaged to one of them, and telling him about loving two men may end your relationship with him.

Marrying Bob while hiding your relationship with John is cheating. It doesn't even matter if you never have sex with John, because it's emotional cheating. I'm not Christian and I don't know scripture, but I'm quite certain it has something to say about women who cheat on their husbands.

As for John being sent by the devil or a test from God, you're in the wrong forum to get confirmation on either of those theories. The belief around here is that it's absolutely awesome to love two people and there's nothing wrong with it!

I agree with the post that you should not enter a marriage if you have any doubts. Look at how torn you are right now, thinking you can't call off the wedding. How torn are you going to be in 6 months, a year, 10 years, when you still feel the same way about John, and you're MARRIED? As hard as it is to call off the wedding, won't it be a thousand times harder to get divorced?

And don't kid yourself. You won't survive the next 60 years if you force yourself to live in this lie.
 
I pretty much agree with what everyone else has said with the addition of:

There's a chance you fiance may be more okay than you think. My husband had a string of affairs for a lot of reasons, but the last one he fell in love with. He chose to lie and hide it b/c he thought I would be hurt and end things.

I welcomed her with open arms and looked at him like he was crazy when he didn't think it was possible to love two people.

Our issues came when I found out about the lies and deciet, not the love he had for someone else.

Also a religion and lifetime ago, I was studying to be a minister in the presbyterian church. It all depends on your beliefs and church docterine and all. Some say polyamory is allowed, that Jesus humself was polyamorus. Some say you should only love and be with the one you marry. Like any other religion it is all interpretation. Not that you can't that you shouldn't love anyone else. But something I learned back then, is that humans tend to create roles for their deities to act as some form of conscience. You feel you are being tested and are failing the test b/c something in you feels this whole mess is wrong.

Time to figure yourself out and decide what you feel is wrong and what you want to do about it.

This has to be a personal decision based on personal beliefs. But entering into a marriage with this much deciet already will only lead to bad things down the road.

I see nothing wrong with loving and being with more than one person. I see plenty wrong with lieing, hiding things and making decisions for your soon to be spouse about his life without informing him.
 
After carefully reading the excellent points and advice made by this membership concerning your dilemma, I will only offer you one more thing to consider.

As pointed out earlier, scriptures are opened to interpretation much the same way different readers would interpret a poem. Not being a biblical scholar myself, when considering the philosophy, psychology, and anthropology of the issue, I’ve set out to find what experts in the subject had to say concerning these matters.

Dr. David P. Barish professor of psychology at the university of Washington in Seattle, and his wife, Judith Eve Lipton M.D., have published an excellent book concerning the issue of non-monogamy. An excerpt concerning your dilemma can be read at:


http://libchrist.com/sexed/mythmonogamy.html


The Christian validation your fiancé needs to grow pass his limited and suppressed biblical exposure concerning marriage and commitment, can be found at this site. Lucky for him to have you doing the footwork necessary in an effort to achieve a positive outcome for the two of you. But make no mistake dear; this membership has offered you advice and perspectives that are second to none. When push comes to shove, the decision you make in absence of turning him around concerning a lifelong commitment to him, have far-reaching implications for you, especially, if and when you decide to start a family with him.

I’m certain I speak for all when I say, we are all rooting here for you.

Please keep us informed with your progress, as this matter is one that reinforces the values this community holds to be true.
 
Pretty much as above. You can't be true to the value of being an honest caring human being, without letting both your men know how you feel and then let the chips fall where they may. I can't speak to all of Christian scripture, because aside from a class in English in ninth grade where my college prep school made us read some parables attributed to Jesus in the Christian part of the bible, I've never read Christian scripture. I am very familiar with the teachings of Jewish tradition though, and Jewish tradition is anyway about arguing about what scripture actually means and depending on the denomination you might think having one man marry several women is ok, forcing women not to leave the house is ok, or even that gay marriage is super ok. Basically, if your religion (meaning what you personally believe, not what some one else told you to believe) is worth its salt, you need to be honest with the people you love most, in this case your two men.
 
Tiana, dear one,

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Truly.

Even though you don't know me well, we are sisters in Christ and I hope you will allow me to speak the truth to you in love.

Do not marry until this issue is settled. If you take a vow with Bob to "love, honor and cherish, forsaking all others" that's what you are committing to do. And you are not currently able to make that committment with a clear conscience and with your whole heart. So don't. From what you've written, I'm hearing that Bob thinks he is signing on for a traditional, monogamous marriage, while you've learned that you love John as well as Bob.

There is no way out of this dilemma; you must work through it. At some point, you will have to deal with it, whether it's now or 30 years from now, you WILL have to deal with it. And sooner is always better than later. Take my word for it; I know whereof I speak.

But you don't have to deal with it alone. You have the great Counselor on your side, and you can trust Him. So talk to Him. Tell him all about it. Pour your whole heart out to Him. For as long as it takes. And then listen to Him, and do what He leads you to do. If you do that, this will turn out alright.

Good luck to you, SisterWoman, whatever you decide to do. Be strong, be just and fear not.
 
I told Bob. It broke his heart. He wants a monogamist relationship that I can't give him. He hates John. Through it all he was willing to accept me as who I am, but without John, because of how he is wronged by him. He has asked me to not speak with anyone about this or to John at all until he gets home from work tomorrow while he thinks about things and sorts through it.

There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.

I will post more later after I have spoken with him again.
 
I told Bob. It broke his heart. He wants a monogamist relationship that I can't give him. He hates John. Through it all he was willing to accept me as who I am, but without John, because of how he is wronged by him. He has asked me to not speak with anyone about this or to John at all until he gets home from work tomorrow while he thinks about things and sorts through it.

There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.

I will post more later after I have spoken with him again.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we can't have everything in life. You've got a tall order there for sure.

What is truly important here?

Is it to be able to have an open poly relationship where others will come into your life?
Is it obtaining all the things usually associated with traditional marriages and family?
Is it specifically to do with John?

I don't mean to offend, but from my perspective, Bob can give you security and a family and the appearance of the fairy tale.... John can give you passion and the understanding you are looking for. Maybe it's time to surrender the fairy tale wedding and family dream and explore John more fully. It sounds as if you really want him....but I am often full of shit :eek:
 
I have to agree with Mono here,you really need to think about what you REALLY want,is it the marriage and the monogamy or a chance to explore who you really are?
I used to believe in marriage and monogamy a long time ago but when I fell in love with a poly man,my eyes were opened and I saw that monogamy was just a fantasy that I had been brought up to believe in.
I know your heart is torn but what will make you truly happy??
 
I called of the wedding. I hurt Bob, very badly, and as such I am hurting more than I can handle. I begin to wonder if I should have just forced my feelings for John away and sequestered them, to hurt myself rather than hurt Bob. I would rather hurt myself than anyone else. Last night was very rough for me, and there were several times when I wished I had not been born or that god would kill me and take me away becasue hell couldn't possibly be worse than what I am feeling.

I hurt more than just Bob, I hurt him, his mother and everyone who cares about him. I still love him, but Bob could ever truly understand this part of me, as such I could not be happy with him, but it is small consolation and does not make it hurt any less. I slept a total of 4 hours last night and I wish I could sleep more to escape my own pain. I am regretting heavily what I've done, and I feel sick. I don't know how I will ever get past this, but right now I can't stop thinking about what I've done to Bob and how much I've hurt him. It hurts me to know I did this, and makes me sick that I could hurt someone so badly.

But yet I know I couldn't live without John too, he helped me last night but this morning I still feel I have wronged Bob. I wish I had not been cursed with such a big heart that I could love so many, for right now it is only a painful thing.
 
Oh, hon. :( Bless your precious heart.

I know it's hard, oh! so HARD! but you did the right thing in being honest about where you really are and what you really feel. As much as it hurts now, can you imagine how Bob would have felt if you'd had that conversation after you were married? Or worse, if you had never opened up to him on your authentic feelings and lived your whole life denying part of who you are? Or worse still, discovering that you just CAN'T suppress that part of you, and cheated on your marriage? As much as y'all are hurting now, believe me when I tell you it it would have only gotten worse.

At the very least, you have started a dialogue. Now you are all aware of an issue to be addressed. And now that it's out there, y'all can look at it, think about it, work through it. Or decide you can't work through it, and walk away.

But whatever happens from this point, you can move forward honestly and openly. And that is an honorable place to be. You did the right thing there.

Now, once again I have to point you back to the cross. Christ will help you navigate this heartbreakingly difficult time. Pray: long, hard and often. Seek His help and follow His lead. Give Him the broken pieces of your heart, and you will be amazed with what He makes of them. Do not be afraid to follow where He leads. He knows the plan he has for you better than you ever will, and he can see farther than you can; trust Him.

(Please note that I didn't say trust in religious tradition, or any other person's interpretation of God's will. Trust in God alone; EVERYONE else falls short.)

More help: search this forum. There is a wealth of information from people facing issues much like yours. Especially look through the "New to Poly" section. (Which is where this thread really belongs, imo.) You are not alone.

Keep your head up. Continue to move forward with integrity, love and compassion. Be true to yourself, and to your loved ones.
 
Amazing

I just wanted to say I am incredibly impressed by your strength in this. I also would like to commend you for respecting Bob and honoring his love despite how hurt he is. You did the right thing in my opinion. You are being true to yourself which will carry you through your future. I'm blown away by this. Good for you and I hope everyone sees the gift of honesty you have given to them.

Wow..
 
There are things I want so badly, I DO want to get married, to have that fairy tale wedding, to have children and a family. I do not know if John can give this to me, but Bob can. But Bob doesn't understand the cost it would be to both me and John if I just cut John out of my life.

Just to let you know, it is entirely possible to get married, have the fairy tale wedding, have children and a family while still being in an open poly relationship. You may or may not be able to have this with John, but even if you can't, there certainly are good people out there you could have it with.
 
Hi T,

It is not clear to me through all this if you truly have polyfidelity as a belief, as a way you want to live, or if you were simply in an ethical dilemma that many monogamous by nature people find themselves in (and for that matter even people in polyfi relationships if they love a new person no one else in their marriage likes at all). I do congratulate you though on being a stunningly ethical person, and do indeed wish you God's love and healing, for God loves us all, no matter what faith we practice, especially when we pass God's tests for us of our honesty and ethics no matter how much it rips us up inside.
 
Back
Top