I'm as clear as mud....
Wow Anne. I want to date YOU!
(mostly joking, but wow, your brain is HOT!)
I think we were spending way too much time together. Up until my trust was stomped all over, we were spending about three days/two nights a week together. When they violated (good word, because that's how I felt, I was f'in PISSED!) my trust, I asked for a weekend off, and then suggested we go to once a week, but we ended up having three more long weekends together, none of which went very good because i was still, is this too dramatic a word?? TRAUMATIZED. i do understand why it happened, but that didn't mean that it didn't pulverize my heart/mind/body. EVen before that i was starting to feel pressured. i've been pretty vocal about the way that i feel , and mostly feel respected, but a lot of that is lip service in my opnion, and they really just want to get down to the sexin.
Thanks for helping me see that my meltdowns aren't abnormal. my husband has asked me a couple of times "do you really think you're poly?" since i've said, "That's it, i'm taking a frickin' break for a couple of weeks" I say that maybe in theory I am, but in actuality it's just too weird for me. i think that it's closer to the truth that their bad behaviour (that's not the only instance, to be clear) has made me feel unsafe, and like i'm a third wheel to the level of desire/nre that they share. I actually had to ask them to watch their pronouns, as they were using the words "us" and "we" so much that it was startin' to drive me nuts.
No, i would not date her on my own. i find her too reserved, too awkward and not feminine enough for my personal tastes. i also find the way that she gloms onto my husband physically, but barely touches me unless we're all in bed together (that could be jealoussssss though). I did think about dating someone else, as mags gave me the advice to get some of my own nre. I put up an ad, and found this rad guy, really down to earth and kind, went on a date, and then was like wtf am i doing? We got on so great, he's sexy, stable, in an open marriage looking for exactly what i would be... if i wasn't in such a sh*tty place right now. starting something now would NOT BE SMRT! and I don't want to complicate everything even more when i have some stuff to figure out first.
I don't know if i'd trust this whole situation enough to have my hubby see this lady on his own. They've already broken my trust, and that's kind of enough fro me on some level (have had some pretty dishonest partners in the past, and it makes me a little extra-knee-jerky when it comes to bs)
Yah, i think in some ways because i started this i feel like i should be all evolved, and have it figured out. like i should be navigating these shark-infested waters like a pro. INstead, i'm choking on saltwater and wondering why the hell my liferaft isn't working.
As for seeing her as a friend, she's said that she isn't capable of just being his friend as she finds him too sexy, but that she could be my friend as that's what she's used to. I don't want to be her friend though, to be honest - i'm too pissed right now to even want to see her. I feel like even though i've had all of these ish they think that it's just going to keep on going like normal. i think that's why I've been kind of trying to force myself to be okay with them vee-ing off, but really, it's not what i want.
i'm taking a solid break. like two, maybe three weeks, and kind of want my husband to do the same (is that unreasonable? like NO CONTACT no txting, no emailing, no fakebookin, no phone, NOTHING!) and have made an appt with our regular marriage counsellor (who knows nothing about poly, which sux, cuz i would REALLY like a poly counsellor who also does cognitive) I want to have some time with just the two of us, and re-evaluate if it's worth continuing to give it a shot.
She keeps saying she's willing to do the work. Willing to process. I can sense her impatience though, and don't like how much my husband defends her and sticks up for her after only knowing her for three months (frickin' NRE makes me want to strangle everyone involved right now!) All of it makes me feel heinously unsafe.
He keeps saying "Oh i fffed it up" in regards to the nekkid day. I keep saying no one person fffed it up, and that while i hold him accountable, i don't blame him, and neither should he - that it's a valuable learning lesson for the future, and that we need WAY better rulez that he'll actually frickin' respect.