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Old 03-15-2012, 12:28 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by HotPepper View Post
I'm not looking for advice on how to tell my partner that I'm poly, but I am wondering if there are approaches people have used that maybe I haven't thought of.
Pop out of a cake? Singing telegram? Seriously, I don't mean to be facetious, but what other approaches could there be to sitting someone down and telling the truth, sharing your feelings, asking for what you need?

Originally Posted by HotPepper View Post
...I told her at the time that there were other things I believed in regarding relationships. She told me she did not wish to discuss anything further along those lines. And that was that.

So it's very hard for me to know where her limits are, or what I can safely reveal to her about who I am... I'm open with her only to the point where it makes her uncomfortable, which is where I am right now.
I am always puzzled when people come here and share that a partner doesn't want to discuss something and so they feel that that is the final word and now it can never be discussed. Sure, I can respect a partner's hesitancy to hear something or discomfort with certain topics, but... ??? There were times in my marriage when my ex-husband told me he didn't want to talk about something that was extremely important to me, and my response was always, "But I need to talk about this, and I need you to listen." And he did, and always thanked me for not letting him get away with shutting down the conversation. So, I can't really see a reason to give up on expressing yourself and making your needs known just because a partner doesn't want to hear it.

My ex, even though he knew that he could talk to me about anything, waited three years to tell me he wanted a divorce. He was afraid of that kind of conversation, and during that three years started pulling away from me until it reached the point for him when he had to tell me. What broke my heart was all that wasted time. We both suffered from the distance he created by not talking to me. Had he told me what was going on for him, we could have done something about it together, either trying to repair the marriage or agreeing to end it together. But what he did was wait and wait and wait until he couldn't take it anymore and then he dropped a bomb on my lap because by that time it was too late to work on it (from his perspective) and he just announced that he was moving out. So, in the end, I was definitely more devastated by his NOT talking to me about wanting to split up than I ever could have been by his talking to me in the first place, when things were still salvageable.

Originally Posted by HotPepper View Post
This won't go well if I just unload on her when she has indicated she's not ready yet to hear what I have to say.
I wasn't ready to hear that my mother had passed away, but someone had to make that phone call and tell me. Sometimes the people we love will just never be ready to hear difficult communications. Must we then always pussyfoot around them, at our own expense? We can still deliver difficult and painful communications compassionately and lovingly. All we can ask is that the receiver listen to us, but we have no control over what they do with the information. So, avoiding saying what needs to be said doesn't really protect anyone.

What is the "this" that won't go well? The telling her part? Or what comes afterward? I think you need to get really clear on what you want out of this if you do talk to her about it. Is the goal to open up the marriage so both of you can have additional love relationships, or do you just want her to know what is going on in your heart of hearts first and foremost, to bring you closer? What do you fear about having this discussion with her and being honest about your true self and deepest desires?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 03-15-2012 at 05:05 PM.
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