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Old 03-28-2010, 06:32 PM
kamala kamala is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Deepest Darkest
Posts: 51
Unhappy She's backing out

Iím fairly new to polyamory and in my first polyamorous relationship right now. I have been lurking round these forums for a while now, learning a lot (not posting as I didnít really have anything meaningful to contribute!) but things for our little trio have gone badly pear shaped and I just wanted to ventÖ

The story is: I met a guy, letís call him N, about 8 months ago. He immediately told me that he was in an open relationship. His girlfriend, letís call her S and him had been together for almost four years, and had just opened things up. Later, he said that meeting me was something of a catalyst too, although he had wanted to have a more open situation for a while. I started some friendly dialogue with S, wanting to go ahead cautiously and respectfully. We met and got on. Things were going very well. My relationship with N progressed and near the end of last year we started to all hang out together as a trio. We had awesome threesome sex on New Years In my mind, and in Nís mind, we were slowly moving towards something more equitable, and Sís fears and doubts along the way were dealt with one by one.

But for whatever reasons, too many to get into here, S gradually came to realize that in fact she wasnít happy with the idea of sharing N at all. She had felt pushed and forced. She wanted to return to a monogamous relationship with N. About a month ago, things blew up. She had always entertained the idea that she would be the main girlfriend, that my relationship with N would always be casual and less than hers etc even though we had all explicitly agreed on otherwise.

Now, many heated debates and tearful conversations later, S is in the position where she has stated, in no certain terms, that she cannot go on with things the way they are. I am unprepared to step away from a fulfilling relationship, and N is sure now more than ever that he can never go back to monogamy. Although they havenít officially broken up yet, it seems to me that it will only be a matter of time.

Maybe this post seems cold and unemotional, itís just that so much has gone on and after everything I feel so numb. The feelings of guilt I feel are surprising me, because in the end I know that I actually have nothing to do with this and that the issue existed with them long before I came along. He wants one thing, she wants another. In fact, for a while I was very angry at them for embarking on this sort of thing while not being on the same page with each other, and I was angry at S for having strung me along, going ahead with more than what she was comfortable with and then just expecting it to all disappear!

N is now, understandably, hurt and feeling emotional. I want to support him in all of this, but wonder if I should just give him time to process it alone? I am so, so saddened to end my friendship with S, but she doesnít want to speak to me ever again I feel ambivalent about what our relationship will be now in the wake of this disaster. I know that Sís friends feel hostile towards me, and Nís family, although theyíve never met me, have always bought into this idea that S was a victim, that N was a bastard to her etc. even though she always maintained that she acted of her own volition etc.

Iím not sure what Iím really asking here, I just needed to get it out there. Has anyone ever experienced this? It seems like a really stupid newbie mistake to make, but what can you do if people change their minds? She agreed, I think, because she didnít want to lose him. I feel for her, and tried so hard to befriend her, to make things easier. It didnít work and she hates me regardless.

If she is freed up to find a relationship that suites her better, and I am freed up to have the relationship I want with N, and he too gets what he wants, then I should be happy, right? I donít know why I suddenly feel so strange about everything
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