Update on Poly Talk

RunningMan

New member
Well after 2 days of not talking, we finally talked. The poly thing was not well received. He said he couldn't condone me seeing other people, but if I saw other people without him knowing he didn't care.

Then I asked,"What happens if I see someone and get caught cheating."

He said, "I never said anything about it before, if it just happens I don't care." "I just don't want you to plan to see someone."

I say, "So you want a Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy." He responds, "Yes, that's what I want.

So that's where I'm at. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I tried to be up front and this is what he wants, this is what he will get.

Obviously, I don't expect to walk into the grocery store, meet someone, and hook up. That's not my style anyway. I will continue seeing my special friend as before.
 
Sorry that it went so badly. I get the feeling that if you pursue another relationship he is going to resent you for it, whether you and he discuss the details or not.

Do you feel that you can be truly happy in a DADT setup?
 
Dadt

I tried to be up front and this is what he wants, this is what he will get.

Ugh, that blows, sorry it went down that way.

It sounds like he wants a DADT when it comes to random hookups but as CDM mentioned, he seems quite clear that he doesn't want you having a romantic partner. CDM asked the right question, can you be happy with this situation as it is?
 
No, I won't be happy in this situation as is. It's rather frustrating, because basically my "random" hook ups that he agreed to can't interfere with our schedule together. And we're pretty much together all the freaking time except for when I go to grad school. So guess what, I will be going to grad school a hell of a lot. Anyway I don't want random hookups anyway,that's so freaking boring, I just want to see one other person that I have developed a strong connection with. So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.

I really haven't moved much in my progress. We had an unofficial DADT policy that I used, now this is only official. Not much difference in the grand scheme of things.

I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.

SIGH......
 
No, I won't be happy in this situation as is.
OK, that's good information. So if you're not going to be happy doing it, why do it?

If you have something that is really important to you (as it sounds like this is), why are you giving that up? Is your relationship with this person so important to you that you are willing to give that up?


So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.
So you'll end up having to lie to him. I can see why you wouldn't be happy with that.

I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.
I think that's a very valid point, especially if it's not something you want anyway. What has he said regarding this when you have discussed it with him?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to have caring, loving partners who want you to grow however you wish to grow. I'm not getting a lot of encouragement for personal growth in this situation.
 
OK, that's good information. So if you're not going to be happy doing it, why do it?

If you have something that is really important to you (as it sounds like this is), why are you giving that up? Is your relationship with this person so important to you that you are willing to give that up?

At this time, yeah I guess I am willing to give it up. Maybe in the hope that time will be my friend. Sometimes people need time for things to take hold and then they can gradually accept them. I'm not sure if that will be the case, but it's also worth a try. I will continue to try an educate on the subject and bring awareness.

Also, there are financial reasons. Right now I'm working full time and working on my PhD full time. Living with my partner makes going to school without the burden of loans a possible feat. Even though I want something really badly, I have to look at the big picture and be practical.

No, I cannot have a text book polyamorous relationship at this current time, but I can still see my special friend when opportunity allows and I guess that's better than nothing.

In time, I may grow to hate this arrangement, but right now, it's my only practical option, until I get fed up and decide that I want and deserve more.
 
At this time, yeah I guess I am willing to give it up.

(snip)

... but I can still see my special friend when opportunity allows and I guess that's better than nothing.
Isn't that what your partner has specifically objected to and, therefore, what you've agreed to give up?
 
Isn't that what your partner has specifically objected to and, therefore, what you've agreed to give up?

I didn't agree to give up anything. Given the fact that he didn't really respect me enough to at least listen to what I had to say and look at the information that I had gathered, I feel in no way obligated to do anything. If he had chose to handle it in a different manner, then I would respect his wishes more, but not when someone insults me like that.

I have just agreed to give up the idea of keeping everything open.
 
I didn't agree to give up anything. Given the fact that he didn't really respect me enough to at least listen to what I had to say and look at the information that I had gathered, I feel in no way obligated to do anything. If he had chose to handle it in a different manner, then I would respect his wishes more, but not when someone insults me like that.

I have just agreed to give up the idea of keeping everything open.

I don't see the insult in what you've shared.

You told him how you feel and that you believe you are poly and want a more poly relationship than what you have.

He told you he can't do that, but that he is fine continuing the way it's been before - you do what you want without him knowing and if you do slip up and get caught, he'll ignore it.

He apparently CAN'T do poly. You're now using him so you don't have to get debt. Get out of there and let the man find someone who will actually be happy to be with him instead of leaving him yoked with you, the man who uses him for financial reasons and feels burdened by the expectation of being monoamorous.

Kudos to you for being honest, I think that was a great step, but quitting there and just accepting what he's said as law for YOUR life isn't good for you and it isn't good for him. Either he didn't realize how serious you were about this so the conversation didn't really take off OR he is very serious on NOT EVER being okay with it so there's no point in the conversation. Either make him talk to you and explain WHY you want a different brand of relationship (feeling the need for it, inability to stick to monogamy/monoamory, danger of random hookups, etc) or leave so that you (and he) can find someone(s) who want the same thing.
 
He apparently CAN'T do poly. You're now using him so you don't have to get debt. Get out of there and let the man find someone who will actually be happy to be with him instead of leaving him yoked with you, the man who uses him for financial reasons and feels burdened by the expectation of being monoamorous.

Damn, that's brutal km34. My heart kind of lurched when you said it, but I'm pleased you did.
 
Damn, that's brutal km34. My heart kind of lurched when you said it, but I'm pleased you did.

Thanks, I think :eek:

It felt brutal, but nobody else has said it and I felt like it needed said... I hate being the harsh one, though!
 
. . . I just want to see one other person that I have developed a strong connection with. So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.
Or instead of lying, just say "This is someone I'm seeing that you didn't want to know about. I wanted to tell you and do it honestly and openly, but you preferred not to know, so here we are."

I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.
ASK HIM THAT!!!!
 
I don't see the insult in what you've shared.

You told him how you feel and that you believe you are poly and want a more poly relationship than what you have.

I appreciate your reply, as harsh as it was.....LOL......I just wanted to clarify some things.

When I said that I was insulted, I meant that when we actually tried to sit down and talk about the letter after 2 days of silent treatement, he refused to listen. He wouldn't let me explain anything or try to see my side of things. Instead I was threatened to find another place to live, told that I was the reason that he didn't have any friends (when it's all his fault), said I was ungrateful for everything he has done to help get me sober and never said thank you (even though I have said thank you repeated times, given him cards, and publicly thanked him when I got my one year medallion), and basically said if I don't like the way things are going to be, to get out, because he doesn't need me to take care of him, because he has a $5,000,000 long term care policy that will do that.

So that's what I meant by being insulted. I took the time to write down my feelings, tried to explain and I wasn't treated with the respect that I deserved.

In response to the you just don't want to leave, because you don't want debt. There is more to it than that. Things are always more complicated than they seem.
 
Or instead of lying, just say "This is someone I'm seeing that you didn't want to know about. I wanted to tell you and do it honestly and openly, but you preferred not to know, so here we are."

Thanks, that's a good idea. That's what I will do if and when the time comes.
 
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