Which way to turn?

That is beautiful. I am five months into my poly relationship and we just came through a great weekend but now, while preparing for another big step in the relationship this coming weekend, I have developed some reservations about things I have been feeling. I'm sure I will be able to air my thoughts to my partners and we will work through but I hope to be back where you are soon after.

It's a rough road. But worth it, in my opinion. Good luck to you!

Karma- Darling husband, when did we start sharing a blog? I don't mind, at all, just curious as to how it happened.
 
It's been a very stressful few days. And after many conversatons and arguments I think Karma and I moving forward again. He's overwhlemed himself and was pulling away. But I think we're back on track again.

I have noticed though, that when he goes to his friends for advice about us, they are usualy wrong. Am I that abnormal? Apparently. Karma and I will talk and he'll say " Panda's husband said you are acting this way because of blah" and it'll be totaly off base. It would be much easier if he would just come straight to me. I get the need to vent and work things out before confronting the situation. But when the advice is almost always wrong and leads to further issue, it may be time to look for another route.

In other news, we got the report back on the car $3000 worth of damage and we should have it by Nov 5th. So we are taking Karmas brother half way and being met by another friend so we can save on some gas, cuz the rental takes almost twice the gas we use in the car. Then we'll head up on the 4th to get the car and come back.

And to top it all off, I'm sick. But at least we'll be here to see Panda off on Monday. :(
 
Karma- Darling husband, when did we start sharing a blog? I don't mind, at all, just curious as to how it happened.

Everyone who has an opinion I care about reads your blog. Only a few of them read mine. You have a better advertisement campaign, so I've decided on a merger :)

Starting to deal with... well, with a lot of things really. Panda leaving being a major one, but more improtantly, I've realized that I spend so much of my time trying to help the people around me that I haven't been doing anything to better myself in any way. This needs to stop - I'm simply not strong enough to carry the burdens of everyone around me all the time.

So, I'm learning to prioritize. Mo an Cricket are really the only two people I'm going to be concerning myself with for a good long while, other than myself. People need to start learning to solve their own problems, instead of expecting everyone around them to do so for them. I need to focus on me and my life.

This is going to be a lot more difficult than it sounds for me though. As Cricket likes to say, I have a serious "save the world" complex. That's how I've lived for so long, it's going to be difficult to unlearn that pattern.
 
@Karma-okay dear, whatever you say, ironicaly it seems the blog title fits us both anyway. :D



I'm sick. Been sick for days. Lost about 8 hrs of memory from my sugar crashing last night. I needed Karma to fill in the blanks. Thankful things came back the more he filled in. Still having issues keeping it up. That's the problem with being sick, it'll get all wonky and not having an appetite is no exscuse. I'm timing my meals to make sure I eat.

I want to carve pumpkins but Cricket is away for the weekend, and I don't have the energy to really do anything anyway. But I feel disconnected to the season this year. With Panda leaving on the first, I'm not looking forward to the start of the new year.

Got a nasty e-mail from my mom, I can't wait to be insependant of their support so they can no longer hold it over my head.

Karma is making some goos decisions for himself and I am so proud of him. I hope he sticks with taking care of himself for awhile. And remembering that as his wife, I'm his partner and he can share all burdens with me.

I'm looking forward to getting on our feet. To using this weekend, being New Years for us Pagans, as a new start. To kiss all the drama of the last year goodbye, and start fresh. I'm hoping to do my fall cleaning on Monday or Tuesday after Panda leaves. I'm hoping to get some job apps out this weekend. Karma is getting started on getting accepted to an electricians apprenticship program. We get my car back on the 5th. And I have an interview for a job in a bakery in Ohio on the 5th as well. I hope I can find something here though. I don't want to live with my parents/ be away from my husband for over a month.


But I am taking the positive that's there and growing it. This will be a good year. I 've decided it, so it shall be. Fuck all the negative and the drama. I've learned, I've grown, and now I'm going to use those lessons to make this year kick ass.


So as I do every year here are my goals for the coming year:

Pass all classes and progress in obaining my degree
Seek employment in my field
Support Karma in career training, and gaining employment
Become independant of parental support
Work on paying down debts
Get in touch with Dr's about weight and inability to lose it
Get apartment clean and organized to a point of livability (buying organizing tools for Karmas darkon gear is a big step in the goal)
Work on finding hobbies and doing things for myself
Encourage Karma to do the same
Continue building and growing relationship with Cricket in a positive light



So with all that said. I'm looking forward to my new year. I hope you are as well. I hope you all have a positive and fulfilling new year. A fun and slightly naughty Halloween. And a safe and happy weekend!
 
I hate it when Karma and Cricket fight. It's so hard to find my place. I want to be a good wife and be supportive, but I also want to respect their relationship and stay out of it. I know him so well, that I can see everything she takes the wrong way and want to jump in and explain what he really meant. But again not my place. At points I agree with him and want to jump in and tell her off for talking to my husband that way, but again not my place. I want to ask why everything has to always be a fight, but again not my place. Karma and I fight all the time, but we reach a resolution. They just let it fester until the next fight. Just because people have differing opinions does not mean they are out to attack you, they just believe passionately about their opinion, as you do yours, and sometimes you have to agree to disagree in order to save fighting over something that will never reach a resolve.

I just feel outta place at the moment. I'm angry and hurt. I'm sick of plans getting tossed aside because something else has come up. I understand things happen, but I'm begining to feel like I'm being avoided and that just pisses me off even more.

Cricket and Karmas brother finaly got through to him about doing something with his life. And I'm glad to see him take the steps, but upset that I've tried for years and years to get him to take the exact steps he is now, and it seems like anything I say means nothing.

It's always been like that. I can say something, and he'll ignore it or even argue it, but let someone else, especialy Panda or Cricket, say the same thing, and it's like they've unlocked the secret level.

I have enjoyed my time alone with Karma the last few days, but was really looking forward to our new year celebration. And now Karmas upset over their fight, she's not allowed out of her house so she can't come over, Panda and her husband invited us there but don't want to come here. The damn pumpkins are still sitting untouched. And I almost don't even care.

Bout to send Karma off to get drunk with Panda an her hubby and spend the night carving the pumpkins myself, enjoying my reserve of vodka and ringing in the new year alone.

Cuz that's the only way I see to keep up with my mantra of the new year. Out with the negative, grow the positive.

At least the cats can't bring any negative around.

I'm not even upset with Karma, but I don't know how to help him and that just frustrates me even more.
 
I say we should make the cats carve the pumpkins. They have built-in hardware, after all ;)
 
My head is full of pressure and the slightest noise makes it vibrate with the weirdest pain sensation ever. At least the dizzy is gone for the most part.

After the Karma Cricket argument I decided I was cooking anyway. So we went to the store and came home and I cooked the side dishes and Karma made steak. We had Leek and Cornbread dressing, mashed pumpkin, garlic and cheese mashed potatoes, croissants and apple pie with pumpkin ice cream. Was pretty yummy. Tried to carve my pumpkin. It broke. So I stabbed it a lot and felt better. Toasting the seeds tomorrow.

Frustrated with the Cricket and Karma thing still. I cannot see things from her point of veiw. I just do not get how she thinks. I wanna help them resolve things, but I can't cuz I don't get where she's coming from. I want to be a supportive wife, but I'm frustrated that he never listens to me anyway, so what's the point.

And Panda moves tomorrow. Day of suck!!! Giant Fucking Day of Suck!!! I just want to put the covers over my head and wait for the day to be over. Maybe if I wish hard enough she won't leave. The one female I can get close to, and tomorrow I say goodbye. I know it's not forever and I know we'll be fine. But it still fucking hurts. And I'm trying to help Karma through it, so I bite back my venom and move on. I've dealt with this plenty of times. I'm an Army Brat. We move. We don't get close cuz you never know when you'll leave. We didn't move a lot, but my friends did. I know how to deal with it. Karma doesn't. So tomorrow I'll be there for my husband, and in a week or two, it'll be my turn to fall to pieces. It's what we do.

And tomorrow after they move, Karma is going to see Cricket. They need to see eachother, I'm fine with that. Just not looking forward to being alone with my thoughts tomorrow night.

And then Thurday we leave for Ohio again to my car and to have the interview for the job I need to take and don't want to.

So not starting the New Year off growing the positive like I intended to.
But for now, I have to be up in 6 hrs to say goodbye to my wife. So I'm gonna go stare at the cieling.
 
Been waiting for Karma to come get me so I can take my sick ass to Pandas to say good bye. Only to find out he's been with Cricket.

I'm a little beyond pissed right now.

Hopefully Panda is still awake when he gets home so I can say goodbye!:mad: I don't even know where they are staying tonight.
 
Raspberry and wine and toast to a better New Year.

Doesn't make me feel better, but at least it tastes good.

I don't do well with change. And so much is changing right now.

I need to clear my head and I have no where to go to do that anymore.
 
“I am only one, but still I am
one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something;
and because
I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can
do.” ~Helen Keller


I'm not sure how else to put into words what I am feeling at the moment.
 
Panda made it her new home. They get the keys at 8am today. I'm happy for them. Glad they made it safe. Did my typical shut down. Just locked up the emotions to be dealt with at a later date. Not exactly healthy, but it does in an odd way work for me. When things are a bit more stable, I'll have a day or two of tears and pain, but for now I have other things to deal with.

Like driving to get my car when Ohio is expecting snow. I love snow. Winter is my second favorite season (fall is first). But after making this trip 8 times in two weeks and one of those involving Kamakazi deer, I am so not looking forward to snow. Hopefully it doesn't hit til we get the car. Cuz there is no weight in the rental truck and we have no snow experience in a truck that big.

I'm doing better with the issue of my last few vague posts. I just feel like Karma is making some changes that don't need to be made. That he is being pushed to change who he is, and I don't like it. And I don't understand how he can be okay with it.

But after some talking I've decided there is nothing I can do about it other than trust that he is right and is making the decisions based on his desires and not that of others.

And because of that I'm feeling kinda pushed aside. He says if he goes to far or forgets who he is, I'm to remind him. But anymore I feel like he doesn't listen to what I say, so I fear it wouldn't make a difference anyway.

I guess some old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads again. Time to go demon hunting again apparently.
 
I think I definitaly have some personal demons to fight. I find myself gettign agitated over little things. Almost back to the line of jealousy. It's really frustrating to have come so far and fall back to this.

I have some idea of where it's coming from. Karma and I talked last night about him not talking with me and not listening to what I say. I do understand now why it seems that way.

But it's hard when it feels like other opinions matter more than that of your spouse. And then when you no longer turn to your spouse for support, your spouse will start to feel replaced.

It's not even just with Cricket. He did with Panda, and his brother as well. And I'm left standing here going "what the hell just happened? Did you not listen to me when I said the same thing hrs/days ago?"

But he does hear me. He just doesn't give me the acknowledgment I guess I need.

Which leaves me feeling un-needed and replaced.

It's out there now. He knows how I'm feeling and I know why he appears to not listen or respect what I've said. So now we need to work on that.

And I need to work on fighting those demons.
 
It's all a process. Don't beat yourself up about it. The good thing is you have the ability to be self-reflective, you realize where you are, and that there 'is' something to work on.

I'm glad you two were able to share your concerns with each other in-depth and hopefully that will assist you in your journey. *hugs*
 
If Mo doesn't get up soon to take me to the doctor, I seriously think my eardrum is going to rupture from sinus pressure. I wish I was joking....

Why do I always agree to come back to this state?
 
It's snowing!!!!!!! I loves it so much!!!!! I was driving home from my brothers, watching the little flakes dance in the street lights and land on my window and just felt joy. I was at peace. I'm home. Where I belong. I had just seen my brother and my neice and it was snowing. I teared up a bit, because I miss this. I miss snow dancing its way to the ground. I miss my brother only being 10 minutes down the road. I miss the parents that I had tonight. The ones I can laugh with, joke with, get advice from without feeling like the worst person alive. I'm home, and tomorrow I have to leave it all again.

Karma is sick. Thankfuly he has chosen to stay in tonight. He is so pale. Now normaly my little goth boy is pale, but has rosey cheeks. Not tonight. But he does seem to be feeling better than this morning.

I have my interview tomorrow. Mixed feelings. I desperately need the job. But can I be away from Karma that long? Not just b/c of insecurities, but because we've never been apart more than a few days. Two-three weeks seems like a life time right now.

I had thought of doing this over the summer and knew we were not strong enough for that. But we've come so far. I know we will make it through. But I don't know how I'll do it. I cry when he leaves for a 2 day camping trip.

And no, I'm not so dependant on him that I can't be away. I can function on my own. I did for years. But when you become so used to having someone there everyday. Having their energy around you. Good night kisses. Hugs. Something is missing when those things aren't happening.

I know I can do it, I just don't want to.

shit, even when we were broken up before we got married, we still didn't spend more than a few days apart.

So aside from that train of thought. I saw my neice tonight. Her new favorite movie is "Music Music" translated for the non-19 month olds-The sound of music. She goes off and plays while the speaking parts are on, but as soon as the music starts she in the middle of the floor glued to the tv. Sometimes she dances, sometimes she tries to sing along, and she always claps for the performance once it's over.

When I walked in the door I was greeted with her nickname for Karma. When I explained he was sleeping cuz he was sick she puts her arms up and says "Oh (karma) sick". For the next hour or so she would randomly come up to me for a hug and kiss and then ask for "Unc (Karma)". and then tell me "He sick". Oh I so love that child.

As far as my poly-life goes. I'm processing. I'm still feeling a bit forgotten about. I'm getting plenty of time, but not acknowledgment. Some of it is me over reacting and being over emotional. And some of it is him. We're working on it.

I miss Cricket. I feel our connection slipping. Both because of her and Karmas recent fights, and because I just haven't seen her. I saw her for a little bit at Pandas, but it wasn't actual time together.

Oh and sadly I got my car back today. It's all nice and shiney and new. But damn I miss that truck already. Today was the first I drove it the whole time we had it. And I fell in love, more so than I already was. May look for something similar when it's time to put Karmas truck down. (Yes I called jezabel your truck, happy? :D)
 
First off, you spell her name 'Jezebel", and second, we do not "put her down" like some kind of unwanted dog! That truck has saved my life - literally - at least twice that I can think of.

Yes, one day she will no longer be repairable, but hopefully not for a long, long while. Although, I have to admit, I wouldn't mind having her and that Silverado :) Why the hell do we need the Taurus, anyway? We don't have kids, why can't we have two awesome trucks?
 
I named her before you were even in the picture. So it's spelled how I want to spell it. :)

____________________________________________

We made it back to MD. I feel like crap. Not sick again. Just in a ton of pain.

Lot's of stuff floating in my head tonight. Waiting for the pain pills to knock me into oblivion.
 
6 months into this and I find myself quite happy with where we are.

I just commented on a few threads posted by some newbies and I'm feeling pretty good about it.

I don't know if I was helpful. But it felt good to have come this far and to be the one helping for a change.

I like being able to give back, to pay back for all the help and insight we've recieved.

I'm sure from time to time I'll still need advice or a plce to vent. But I have to say it feels good to be here.

I look back on the last 6 months and am just amazed at where we are.

I never thought I'd be able to accept Cricket, let alone be friends with her.

But here I sit, missing her. It's been too long since we hung out last.

I never thought I'd be concerned for their relationship.

But here I sit, worried about the lack of time they have had together lately.

I wonder if there is something going on behind the scenes or if they really are just victims of an over scheduled calandar.

6 months ago I was wanting the pain to go away. To feel comfortable enough in my own home to be able to leave my bedroom when they were here together. I wanted to be able to sleep in my own bed with being tortured of the thoughts of them being there together. I wanted to be able to have some semblance of a relationship with her. At least the ability to be in her presence without negative emotion. I wanted to feel important to my husband. I wanted to know he felt guilty for what he did to me. I wanted to know he would do whatever it took to make it up to me.

And here we are. Not only can I be in her presence but I miss her when I'm not. Karma and I are better than we've been in years. My pain has been healed. My trust in my husband, recovered as much it can in the amount of time we've had.

Hell I'm going to be away from him for 15 days in December and I'm bothered by the time apart. I have some worry of him respecting my wish to not have them sleep together in out bed. But for the most part, I trust him. 6 months ago, I didn't trust him enough for me to go to school for 5 hrs without him having someone here.

I was right to not trust him. But now I have no reason for that.

There are still things that take some work, some time, some feeling out and walkign through, but there always will be. If it were perfect, we'd get bored.

I'm happy. For the first time in a long time I can look back and be proud of where we are instead of overwhelmed by the pain.
 
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