New poly couple going slowly,somewhat.

. . . I find myself being attracted to a most inappropriate person that will remain in the unrealized affection file. :( For one, he's a little young although I don't know for sure my guess is he's 25 or 26 and that is far too young for him to get involved with me when I have no desire to give him any children of his own.

That's an odd reason. If he's accepting of poly, he can have kids with someone else! What even makes you think he would want children, or even that serious of a relationship right away? I highly doubt a young guy is thinking along those lines!

You don't need to worry about things like that just to start out dating someone to see if there's compatibility or connection.

Plus, I don't think it would be inappropriate. People date their kids' teachers all the time. They're human, too! LOL
 
Last edited:
Well, I have no idea if he's open to poly or not. He hasn't given me any indication that he is remotely interested in me. I wouldn't know how to go about asking that question especially since he is my daughter's teacher. He probably just sees me as another parent to one of his students.

That doesn't mean that I can't find him attractive but I don't think that it's fair to assume that he would welcome being asked out by a married woman without feeling awkward and thinking that I am a cheater. I also haven idea if he would want children but again I don't think it's fair to assume that he wouldn't. I am a worrier if you couldn't tell that, lol.
 
Heh, I am just out of a relationship of 2 yrs duration with a man 36 years my junior. Yes, he has moved on, perhaps to a younger woman. But it was mutually satisfying for 2 years.

My gf is 22 years my junior and we have full intimacy and soul connnection. Making the age gap leap is one thing many poly/kinky people do. Even the gender leap of course. It's more about the person, and their compatibility... that can happen with age mates or with people much older or younger than oneself. IME, anyway.
 
Well, I have no idea if he's open to poly or not. He hasn't given me any indication that he is remotely interested in me. I wouldn't know how to go about asking that question especially since he is my daughter's teacher. He probably just sees me as another parent to one of his students.

That doesn't mean that I can't find him attractive but I don't think that it's fair to assume that he would welcome being asked out by a married woman without feeling awkward and thinking that I am a cheater. I also haven idea if he would want children but again I don't think it's fair to assume that he wouldn't. I am a worrier if you couldn't tell that, lol.

Hey, you can always just flirt in a classy way and see where it leads... you dont have to propose marriage (or primary status, or children) on the first meeting.

Even if the flirting doesn't lead anywhere, it's fun for its own sake, and good practice.
 
Oh, he wouldn't be that many years younger than me. I will only be 30 this year. I am not saying that it couldn't work out but that I am afraid to try as if he is interested and finds that he does want children later it would end and I would be hurt or hurt him and I try ot to do that if I can prevent it by not starting anything in the first place.
 
Hey, you can always just flirt in a classy way and see where it leads... you dont have to propose marriage (or primary status, or children) on the first meeting.

Even if the flirting doesn't lead anywhere, it's fun for its own sake, and good practice.

I have flirted and he has flirted back but idk that it means anything. I am not saying that I would propose marriage or prmary status or children on a first date, lol, I just tend to think too far ahead. It is a flaw that I haven't been able to correct.
 
Also, B really likes him and I worry that if he is up for it and it doesn't work out for whatever reason that she would be hurt as well. I have to think of her and Q above myself right now as they are only 5 and 3.
 
Yeah, my dad does that and even inside alone, he's hurting anyway.
 
Oh well, you can lock yourself up inside your house and never go out again if you want to avoid getting hurt in this world.

Lol, I didn't think that my choosing not to pursue a relationship with someone because I can see the pitfalls would be so contentious. I appreciate everyone's feedback. I am actually more concerned with hurting him and my children than myself. I am sure that at some point, I will find someone who is at the same point in their lives that will be just right to bring into out family.

I know that there are always risks involved with life and I am willing to take them when it's worth it but not when the odds are stacks against it working before it begins. I have actually decided to write him a letter and give it to him at the end of her last class explaining things and giving him my contact info should he choose to pursue getting to know me better that is great but if not, I won't have to see him again and have it be awkward for us.
 
If he is open to poly and wants to try it knowing that most likely he will remain secondary and that he is free to explore other relationships if he is also poly as opposed to mono then I'll give it a go. If he's not, that is also fine and I will continue on my search.

I am not hurting right now. Things are better than ever with M and I and I have 2 great children. It would be wonderful to finally explore my poly side but if nothing comes of it, I can be happy with just M and the kids as my family. That is something that I have come to realize over the past few days but was still working out in my head and my heart. Again, I greatly appreciate the feedback and you guys letting me know when I need to pull my head out... And just take a chance.

I will let you guys know how it goes. Her last class is the 14th.
 
If he is open to poly and wants to try it knowing that most likely he will remain secondary and that he is free to explore other relationships if he is also poly as opposed to mono then I'll give it a go.

Well, that's a criteria with anyone who seems to have potential and attractivness. I use it myself except for the "remaining secondary" bit, because... you never know... someone might warrant that too.
 
I can't say 100% that he would remain secondary but that is the most likely to happen. I am going to write a detailed letter and hand it to him at the very end of the class and include my email and cell number if he chooses to contact me. Also, I will give him M's contact info so that he can contact him for confirmation of his knowledge of the situation. It could all be moot, he could be dating someone and be mono and not interested. I guess I will never know if I don't try though.

Thanks for helping me take the leap, ladies.
 
I have actually decided to write him a letter and give it to him at the end of her last class explaining things and giving him my contact info should he choose to pursue getting to know me better that is great but if not, I won't have to see him again and have it be awkward for us.

If inappropriateness is something that concerns you, the LAST thing I would ever do -- no, make that something I would NEVER do -- is put something like that in writing!!! :eek:

If you really are interested, maybe see if he'd like to get together for a cup of coffee or something. Keep it light, keep it friendly - you don't have to blurt out right away that you're poly, new to poly, married, wondering if he's interested, blablabla... develop a friendship first, see how it goes. Don't use the word polyamory unless he does first - if the subject comes up, talk about exclusivity, non-monogamy, as those terms are more familiar to people. But anyway, that's jumping the gun!

If you can't casually ask him out like any friend would, then just enjoy the crush and move on. But I would advise against giving him a letter. Besides not having stuff like that in writing floating around, it's simply overkill.

I think the newness of what you're doing makes it seem much more glaringly obvious and huge to you that you're thinking you have to make this a big important project or something (I can relate).

You know I was teasing you about staying indoors, but I think you got the message that we just have to take risks sometimes. Nothing ventured, as they say (but we can still venture slowly and with baby steps). :)
 
Well, I am not sure that you understand. He knows that I am married as the class that she is taking requires that the parents attend the class with them. I also wear a wedding band. The reason that I thought a letter would be best is that I don't want the other parents to hear me asking out the teacher when I am clearly married.

As I am new to this, I don't want to accidentally out myself just yet. B has started to develop a friendship with one of her classmates and I would like to encourage her but I fear that if her mother overhears me that she won't allow her daughhter to continue it beyond the class.

I do tend to over think things. I am trying to take the leap without it affecting B adversely when he might not be interested in the first place. I guess that I just don't remember how tom date and being married makes it harder as I am sure that many a poly person found out if they started from a mono marriage.

I have felt chemistry with him and he has flirted back but he is an attractive young man and they do tend to flirt. B wants to make him a thank you book and I figured that I would slip the letter into it so that the other patents don't see it or something. Idk what to do, which I am sure is obvious.
 
I figured out a way to kill two birds with one stone....I am going to invite him over for dinner after the last class and let him know that any significant other he has is also welcome. That serves the purposes of determining if he has an so or not and gets him away from the classroom setting and the other parents in a way that won't seem off like inviting him out with just me.

M has expressed the desire to meet him since B likes him so much and I will tell M my thoughts about him too. He already knows that I think he's hot but that's all that I have said because we both agreed that it would be strange for me to ask him out in front of the other parents and students.

I will invite him this week for next week so that he has time to plan and if he says no, well that's the end of it and I remember him fondly as a hottie and move on. He is not only physically attractive to me, he is very intelligent and that appeals to me more than looks.

Any thoughts? That keeps anything from being in writing as well and from me making a fool of myself if he's engaged or something or gay, who knows, lol. My gaydar is pretty good and it hasn't gone off but that isn't foolproof and if he is gay, that's cool too..
 
Well, M says that inviting him for dinner is inappropritate in his opinion and refuses to talk about it anymore. I guess I was right at the beginning of the day, this guy will be relegated to the unrealized crush category and I will move on. M and I need to have a serious conversation tonight.

I need to know if he's really up for poly or not. He says yes but anytime I seem interested in someone younger than 39-40 he gets defensive. I think that he is worried that I will leave him if I start dating someone younger but that I am less likely to leave him for someone older than him. Idk what to think.

I will update later after our talk.
 
He claims that he just doesn't think that it's appropriate for parents to be attracted to their children's teachers but I think that's just his excuse. He has told me previously that he prefers that I find a married poly man so that he won't feel as threatened by him but that it isn't mandatory.

He wants me to let things happen naturally and meet someone and see how things go but I just want the chance to find out if R we will call him even has any interest and he's "inappropriate". I told him "teachers are people too" and he goes yeah but they're teachers. I can almost guarantee that if he was older and married or even divorced or if all of a sudden my sexual orientation were to change to bi and this was a woman we were talking about that he would be talking a different tune.

Whenever I try to talk to much about this stuff, he shuts down after a few minutes. I mean R may have 0 interest but he could and now I will never know since he won't let me ask. I don't think that it's fair but oh well. Update you later.
 
Well, we talked more after the kids went to bed. I am allowed to invite him over for dinner. His concern is that we can't be sure if he is open to poly and since he's B's teacher he could cause us problems if he has a problem with it in regards to the well being of the kids. I told him that it's not like I'm going to corner him and proposition him for sex, lol.
 
Well, that will be a crush enjoyed and moved on from he is happily mono and engaged. That's cool though. We got Brenna's evaluation today and he wrote at the bottom..."B's reading is clearly advanced beyond her years." :) She has 1 class left and then we start school. We have her school room 90% set up. I have a few things left to do tonight after they go to bed including sorting and folding a mountain of clothes that I will put away tomorrow.

I guess that I will wait until our local poly munch picnic in September and see if imhave more luck among people that I kow are poly.
 
Back
Top