I have been wanting to answer this, and since I have another hour left in this layover, I can finally respond.
Does a relationship have inherent privileges, rights, responsibilities, and expectations? Or do those grow as the relationship grows?
Absolutely to both.
Does starting a new relationship reduce, or remove the privileges, rights, responsibilities, and expectations of the longer term relationship(s)?
Not at all. I would still expected to do the same things I was doing before the new relationship started. I cannot shirk responsibilities. The rights would increase for all involved. Privileges are often subjective, so that might be relationship specific.
Does the newest relationship have the “right” to say hey I want this, and telling me “not now” is couple privilege?
Saying "not now" is not couple's privilege, IMO. I view it like this. If I started dating someone, and right off the bat, they wanted an overnight or two per week starting, that would impact everyone in my household from the nanny to my DH to my children. Our nanny does not work nights unless asked in advance. If the overnight coincided with his nights out, that means our nanny would have to work after hours and change her plans, or we would have to find other care. In this case "not now" could be valid because one person's wants would never trump the needs of every member of our family. We would have to work out a way to keep things running efficiently, so that want/request might get put on hold until we can see if there is a way to do it.
Or is it acceptable for the longer-term relationship to stick to their expectations of each other, and allow their relationship to organically grow to include the newest relationship at a rate that works for the longer-term “couple”?
No matter what, we are sticking to the expectations we have for one another. They, too, would likely increase.
Everyone does it differently. The old me would have done it that way. The new me? Hmm. Something different. The new relationship would never be given the option to grow towards inclusion. No integration needed. It would always be a separate entity.
Or does the newer relationship get to dictate the speed at which the longer-term dyad must change to accommodate it?
Never. Personally, we have a speed that is working well for us and our children. They would be the new person, and they would have to strike a balance between fitting in where the availability is and respecting what was established before they were in the picture without trying to change it to benefit themselves. The catch-22 would be a change would have to benefit everyone while not take anything away from anyone else.
When in a relationship, and starting a new relationship which one is more affected?
Everything affects a relationship. New babies, new jobs, deaths, medical emergencies, etc, so a new relationship would affect a pre-existing one. For example, I know that every day DH and I are going to have a minimum of two hours of private QT. We talk from 6-7 AM like clockwork. No children screaming mum, mummy, mumma, mumsy, or whatever they call me. No cell phones. No ESPN. Just us. If I were to date again and x person wanted a breakfast date before I take the little ones to school, it stands to reason, we might lose that at least once or more per week. We have mini breakfast dates almost every day. I/we drop the little ones off at school and the nursery and meet for coffee and croissants before we start our respective days. What if the noob wanted to treat me to breakfast? More time lost and a change just that quick from the way we had been doing it for months. I am sure it would affect our relationship if the amount of QT we had was cut or drastically reduced. The new one is going to impact the old one and vice versa.
Which one should be more considerate of the other?
They have to be considerate of one another. Respect is integral.
Are there reasons why one relationship might have different rules, and responsibilities than another?
Yes. I have children, a household to help maintain, finances to manage, charity work to do, cupcakes to bake, church services to attend with my daughter, and all the ins and outs of my day to day to life. Any other relationship would be the opposite. No shared finances, parenting, household, or anything that would require a high level of entanglement.
What rules, privileges, responsibilities, and expectations do you have in your various relationships and did those relationship start with those roles? or did they grow to include them, or did you have a relationship that had to adjust itself to accommodate changes to the roles it had?
This is where it got muddled for me before. My responsibilities after my children doubled. We should have meshed as a family, and THEN, my relationship with my ex should have taken after the mould we had established. The changes were simultaneous and caused friction and a fire down the line.
I would do it differently, if I chose to date again. It would be family privilege and my privilege. DH does not want our children around poly, so a would-be partner would never be around my children. Additionally, that would mean no overnight stints at our home or vice versa. DH has absolutely refused to be outed as being part of a poly marriage. Job security is part of it, but the biggest part is the affects of being out hit him harder than it did for the two poly people in the V. The person would automatically be somewhere between secondary and tertiary and a secret. I would never in this lifetime agree to have two co-primary relationships. Dear heaven, if there is a God and I ever suggest this, slap me silly. They would have to fit the mould of my life and be okay with seeing me at best once a week. My marriage would come first. I have touched my roots, and I do believe our marriage has to be first because our relationship will be the first relationship my children see day in and day out. It needs to be healthy, and we have to show them what a healthy partnership resembles--even if they go on to be poly.
My hard line and number 1 rule would be to never take time away from my children or disrupt their lives and routines. I have missed so much time with my babies, and it is time I will never be able to get back. My oldest has certain expectations now. She sees me as reliable, and I would hate to shatter that. I would want to continue to be there for recitals, mummy-n-me time, dance classes, parent association meetings, church with my oldest once a month, parent time every morning, breakfast, dinner, etc. I just feel like a second relationship would automatically change that. After a four month hiatus, I am returning to work and imposing strict requirements on myself that I will adhere to because I want to continue to be there for my children.
I know this sounds rigid and unfair to the person, but I would have to spell it out, so that there would be no chance of x person feeling lead on. The great news is that I lead a very full life, and I KNOW I do not have the time, availability, or slightest interest in a relationship, so I never have to say this to a person.