Thoughts on being his secret?

Tigger40

New member
What do you think about being someone's secret (from his wife)? I had a brief flirtation where I was someone's secret. I kept it secret too but that was just for fun-- if I were found out, there would be no consequences, because that's how my marriage is right now. I mean it's fun. But it wasn't that way for him and before it went very far-- perhaps it had already gone too far-- I told him that although I loved being his secret, I needed to tell him what I would do if his wife found him out. I said I'd assume that he wants to stay married and so I'd kill the relationship entirely and never speak to him again. Not out of spite or anything of course, but to protect him.

That woke him up I think and he ended it. And we don't speak, which is sad. At the time the brief flirtation was worth all future suffering but now I wish I'd foregone the brief flirtation and still had the friend.

So I've thought & thought about how to handle that situation. I guess the obvious is-- don't get involved with married men who don't have an open marriage.

I've been the secret keeper when it did have consequences. I didn't get found out. I (eventually) confessed and our marriage is all the stronger for it. Who am I to keep that experience from him & his wife? Or if it turns out less positively, who is to say that wasn't the best outcome anyway?

I feel like I'd be ok with being someone's secret. But perhaps I'm being hopelessly naive and it never turns out well. What I'm asking is NOT some moral judgment, but what is your experience? Maybe I can learn from your experience, rather than learn EVERYTHING the hard way.
 
I wouldn't be anyone secret. I am out as poly and my partner will need to be as well. Its a requirement for dating me.

I also would never enable a cheater.
 
Yep, not a secret...

I don't require that someone I'm with be utterly OUT as poly - I'm in most cases perfectly content with being introduced as a friend if circumstances dictate, work or family or "friends who wouldn't get it".

That said, *I* am out so I don't know that I'd be happy with someone who wasn't comfortable with being introduced as a sig other to people I ordinarily would introduce someone as a sig other to.

Either way, I won't enable cheating under any circumstances, not even a don't-ask-don't-tell sort of thing where it's sort of ok but not "known".

That came off as really judgmental - if the people in question are happy with that as their arrangement it's none of my business, just not something I can/will be involved in from my own personal/family background.
 
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I would not enable a cheater...in fact, I don't know that I could be with someone who was enabling a cheater. The potential to create drama/personal harm in MY life is too great. (Plus, if any of my partners was knowingly enabling a cheater then they are not the people I think they are.)

Re: DADT - I would be very leery of this, I don't think that it is a stable model. I would need to have very very clear PROOF that that was, in fact, the arrangement and need to know the history of how this has worked for them in the past. I would need to know WHAT the DADT actually covered and any other rules/restrictions in play. Overall, I don't think it would be worth it.

That being said, I am not all the way "out" personally. I am willing to be a "secret" from family/co-workers/public. It would be much more difficult to be a "secret" from their close friends that I might see socially. And I would NOT be willing to keep a relationship secret from MY partners/metamours/close friends.

JaneQ
 
Some will probably say my opinion is a double standard but I don't think so.

If I was dating guys then no, I wouldn't be their secret. But with a woman I see it differently if she is just looking for a relationship with another
 
What is DADT?

I'm more interested in actual experiences than "I'd never do this". I'm curious what has and hasn't worked for other people. If a lot of people chime in with "Tried that, it was a disaster" then I'll have some serious reservations before trying it myself. Or if there's some stories like "I've done that a lot, a couple times it was a disaster but there have been several that were ok" then I might go ahead (next time an opportunity presents).
 
I have been a secret to someone's girlfriend and while it was a bit fun, it was also insensitive to her as well as in the end spoiled our chance at playing it real poly. I will never be a secret again. I am too poly for that :rolleyes:

Well, I am a secret to new bf's mom, but that is more of a mutural decition and also we have not been together that long. We are in the process of slowly expanding who knows.
 
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DADT = Don't Ask, Don't Tell.

I'm Guy's secret, but he isn't married. His ex-wife refuses to accept that their divorce means he--and she--can date people, and has told him if she finds out he has any girlfriend, she won't let him be around her and their son. She's the only one I'm a secret from in his life, though. As long as it doesn't interfere with his relationships with his kids, he says he doesn't care who knows. And he says he'll deal with it if his ex finds out; he won't lie to keep our relationship hidden, he just doesn't talk about it around her. I don't really have a problem with that, since I'm not openly poly and Hubby is concerned about word getting back to his family or to my ex-husband.

I don't have any experience like you're asking for, Tigger, so I won't add to this; the only time I've been involved with a married man was a situation where his wife set it up, so obviously I wasn't secret and he wasn't cheating. My personal preference, like others who have responded, is to steer far clear of any man who's cheating on a partner.
 
His ex-wife refuses to accept that their divorce means he--and she--can date people, and has told him if she finds out he has any girlfriend, she won't let him be around her and their son.

It's actually reassuring to me to hear about other crazy metamours :) Not that I don't feel for you :p
 
I come at this from a different perspective, my husband kept the other woman in his life secret from me. By the time I found out it had already ended and it had caused them both a lot of hurt and heartache. For me the greatest hurt was being lied to and it took a lot of hard work to get past it and begin to rebuild trust again. The story has a happy ending because we have gradually built a much more honest and open relationship but it could so easily have had a very different outcome.

Four years later his 'secret woman' is still an important part of our lives. I don't blame her for what happened but she sold herself short and caused herself a lot of unhappiness. It really isn't worth it, don't settle for being someone's secret, you deserve better than that.
 
It's actually reassuring to me to hear about other crazy metamours :) Not that I don't feel for you :p

Thanks. LOL. Yeah, there are always going to be people...

By the way, that raises a question, since I'm still learning the terms... Is his ex-wife my metamour even though they're not married and the only relationship he has with her is co-parenting their son?
 
I come at this from a different perspective, my husband kept the other woman in his life secret from me. By the time I found out it had already ended and it had caused them both a lot of hurt and heartache. For me the greatest hurt was being lied to and it took a lot of hard work to get past it and begin to rebuild trust again. The story has a happy ending because we have gradually built a much more honest and open relationship but it could so easily have had a very different outcome.

Four years later his 'secret woman' is still an important part of our lives. I don't blame her for what happened but she sold herself short and caused herself a lot of unhappiness. It really isn't worth it, don't settle for being someone's secret, you deserve better than that.

I have to ask how this was broached. Were you mono before and after you two talked and rebuilt trust, did you see things differently and see poly differently overall?

I kind of have been through what Tigger is describing myself, and fairly recently. I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them.

Hence why I ask. I detest the idea of sneaking around and constantly walking on eggshells (to say nothing of the damage I know it can cause), but when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?
 
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Without a partner's knowledge and consent, it is cheating. And cheating is based on lies, unethical, and NOT POLYAMORY.

When I was young and naive, I gave in to being a secret mistress of married, lying cheaters a few times. While there can be a rush and thrill to have these clandestine affairs, the situation takes its toll on you with all the hiding, lying, and guilt, and is ultimately unsatisfying.

No matter how much the chemicals in your brain tell you that you must be with someone and how overwhelmingly compatible you imagine yourselves to be, if their partner must be betrayed and lied to in order for you to be with them, they are NOT for you. That is bullshit you tell yourself to justify getting what you want, even though you know you shouldn't go there. Don't let yourself be tempted. If your love interest wants to open his or her marriage, it could be a process of a year or two before they are even ready. Respect their relationship by looking elsewhere.
 
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I have to ask how this was broached. Were you mono before and after you two talked and rebuilt trust, did you see things differently and see poly differently overall?

I kind of have been through what Tigger is describing myself, and fairly recently. I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them.

Hence why I ask. I detest the idea of sneaking around and constantly walking on eggshells (to say nothing of the damage I know it can cause), but when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?

I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself. If he is married and he is still with his wife, he is there because that's where he chooses to be. If he is seeing you without her knowledge he is cheating on the person that he chose to marry. He may honestly think he loves you, but even so if he is prepared to treat his wife like that, sooner or later he will treat you like that too. If he wants to open up his relationship this is not the way to do it, I don't have any facts and figures but this way will cause hurt to all concerned and it probably has a very slim chance of working out as you would like.

To answer your question, no we were not poly before. I didn't even know there was such a thing at the time. You use the phrase "after you talked and rebuilt trust" as if it was just a matter of talking it through and getting over it - it isn't! It's a very slow painful process and it will probably never be possible to regain the degree of trust that once existed. In our case I knew why he cheated (but I'm not excusing his behaviour) and to be fair to him he had tried to talk to me about the issue before, but none of that makes it okay to lie to me and betray my trust.

At the time he was begging forgiveness and promising that he would never do it again. It was me that encouraged him to get back with her and he had a hard time with that idea at first. It took a while before they got back together and it was rocky to begin with. My reason at the time was mostly gut instinct, it is very hard to explain it logically. I knew that she met a need that I did not, and I knew it was wrong to ask him to deny that aspect of himself. It works very well now, but I think a lot of the credit for that is down to the fact that the other woman and I get on well and we have become very close, when issues arise we deal with them together. I don't know, but I suspect that our situation is fairly unusual, my guess is that few relationships would survive in the way that ours has.
 
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself.

I guess I walked into that one......

There is a lot more to my situation (and I lot less than you probably think as well), but I guess it makes no difference. Sorry to ask.
 
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I was the secret and he is married. We didn't get too far into things before we agreed we had to back off in order to figure out how we can go forward and it NOT have to be a secret (something I'd wanted from the start because I honestly like his wife and want them to be able to stay married). However the problem lies in how to broach the subject, when the two of us are completely new to the idea of a poly situation and have no idea how to even approach his wife that won't ruin things for them . . . when you've found someone you know you want to spend the rest of your life with....what approach is actually the "right" one?
I'm sorry but if you seriously want to know which approach is the right one, I would say that the right thing to do is to leave well alone and stop kidding yourself. If he is married and he is still with his wife, he is there because that's where he chooses to be. If he is seeing you without her knowledge he is cheating on the person that he chose to marry. He may honestly think he loves you, but even so if he is prepared to treat his wife like that, sooner or later he will treat you like that too. If he wants to open up his relationship this is not the way to do it . . .
There is a lot more to my situation (and I lot less than you probably think as well), but I guess it makes no difference. Sorry to ask.

Oh, so you only want answers that tell you what you want to hear instead of actual constructive feedback? You want us to say that lying and cheating behind a spouse's back is all puppies, cupcakes, and rainbows, and yes, it can lead to happy poly? You want us to tell you to go and confront his wife and tell her you're in loooooove with her husband, so she should "please open up your marriage so we can be together?" You want us to paint a picture of a happy ending when that is very unlikely? Ain't gonna happen. Let us know when you're ready to face reality.

Did you read my previous post in this thread? When a couple considers opening up from monogamy to polyamory, it could take years of deep discussion and therapy and wrestling with painful issues before they are both ready for poly - and there is no guarantee that will ever happen. They might renew their commitment to a monogamous marriage or split up altogether, and you don't want to be involved with a brokenhearted man who has lost everything.

No matter how much "more" there is to the situation, as you see it, you are deluding yourself to think that you have to make it happen. You have been playing with fire and you think no one will get burned. You've put this man in a situation where he is forced to lie to someone he loves. Do you think she will accept that betrayal and say, "Oh, poly? Okay, hon, go for it!" There is no reason to be so selfish.
 
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Thanks. LOL. Yeah, there are always going to be people...

By the way, that raises a question, since I'm still learning the terms... Is his ex-wife my metamour even though they're not married and the only relationship he has with her is co-parenting their son?

Nope. She is not a metamore. She is just an ex wife and mother of his child. She cannot legally deny him visitation just because he has a girlfriend. She has to abide by what is in their court ordered parenting plan or be in contempt of court.
 
I'm quite saddened by the number of people on this thread who talk about the fun of being their lover's secret lover. Also by the justification that it's an okay thing to do because even if the affair is found out, the pain caused to the unknowing partner of the lover will probably be a growth experience for them. :confused:

Bloody hell - have some compassion. People report being lied to by their partner about a fundamental part of their life together as utter devastating. It isn't something that they tend to get over quickly and in some cases, they don't get over it at all. I can't imagine why anybody would want to be involved in bringing that level of hurt into the life of a complete stranger who has done you no harm.

I get that you guys want to have additional relationships but I very much don't like the attempts to justify doing that in a way that is likely to introduce a whole pile of hurt into somebody else's life.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. :mad:
 
I'm quite saddened by the number of people on this thread who talk about the fun of being their lover's secret lover. Also by the justification that it's an okay thing to do because even if the affair is found out, the pain caused to the unknowing partner of the lover will probably be a growth experience for them. :confused:

What?:eek:

Yours is the 18th post in this thread and the majority of people are AGAINST being the secret lover:

#1 = the OP
#2 = Inyourendo = No
#3 = icesong = No
#4 = ME = No
#5 = sweetersong = no if men, yes if women = maybe
#6 = the OP
#7 = Norwegianpoly = did it before, wouldn't do it again = No
#8 = KC43 = ok to be secret from ex, otherwise = No
#9 = PolyinPractice = n/a
#10 = Kernow = No
#11 = KC43 (again) = n/a
#12 = BDaemon = did it/backed off = maybe
#13 = nycindie = did it, not worth it = No
#14 = Kernow (again) = n/a
#15 = BDaemon (again) = n/a
#16 = nycindie (again) = still No, and n/a
#17 = Inyourendo (again) = n/a

So of the 10 responders in this thread we have 7 NO's and 2 maybe's and 1 no vote. Of those 10, 3 have been secret lovers and 2 of those wouldn't do it again. ONE person admitted that it was "a bit fun"...I hardly think that translates to a "number of people"...:cool:
 
Having been a few times someone's "secret", and seeing where it can lead;
One both or all relationships involved around the secret can be negatively impacted if things come to light in a sudden and negative way. (3rd party accidental discovery by a mutual acquaintance for example) which tends to prohibit any chance of explaining context rhetorics and terms to the person not party to the "secret". And the fallout can be quite damaging.

If you're OK with the risk of a relationship being explosively destroyed (possibly your own) the situation can be more positive than otherwise, but keep in mind "secrets" can become disposable when they become too much to maintain, and often when someone wants to keep you a secret, it's often because their involvement with you would cost them an "intolerable" amount of back pedaling, difficult decisions, interpersonal anguish and shame.

Not always, but often.
 
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