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The happy post

So I basically have two posts that are going to go up here. One's a nice little life update. The other is the things that had me scared that I ended up putting in my note I typed up. Very different things so I didn't want to do them together.

A few weeks ago I talked with Woodsmith about Dys. She and I were trying to figure out a time to meet which first feel through on her side and the second time on my side (holiday season can suck with trying to meet people for the first time). During that conversation he was a bit apprehensive about the idea of me being in a relationship with a girl. He's fine with the whole fooling around part but wasn't sure how he'd feel about an actual relationship (which I do find kinda funny since most times the guys don't have problems with a girl relationship and balk at one with another guy while he's been extremely supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Primal).

Friday I finally got some one on one time to talk with Primal about Dys. He was very receptive about me meeting her especially with talking about the things we have in common.

Yesterday got a text from Dys seeing if we wanted to have dinner together at a coffeehouse this coming weekend. I talked with Woodsmith about her message to see if he was still uncomfortable about things and he was very encouraging and supportive on me meeting her (almost at the level he's been supportive/encouraging of how things have been going with Primal).
 
The Fears

1) I am scared that I can't count on Woodsmith. Don't get me wrong I love him completely but I still hurt from him not being there for me emotional or in an effort to help out around the house when I was dealing with my depression. And when things start to get better he goes and does something that takes it back (such as not talking to the old apartment to set up a payment plan while he's off and I have been working, not contacting the person he knows that could perform our wedding, getting too drunk to get me home after I told him I needed to be home that night for a drug test the next day-thankfully a friend brought me home).

2) I am scared that I am an option for people I've made priorities. I hate feeling like they want me when and how they do but other than those times and ways they could care less. I hate not being a part of making plans. I know this has been worse because of the holiday season but it sucks that of the rest of the family I've probably only seen each person 2 or 3 days throughout the entire month of December.

3) I'm financially scared. I've been keeping it a secret how bad off I am but since my time in the hospital I haven't been able to pay all of my debt. I've finally gotten it down to $2200 but that has been since July and I'm still working on it. And now I'm working a job where I make less money so that's going to be hard.

4) I'm scared of my health. My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months. My spine and most of the joints (knee, ankle, hip, shoulder, wrist) on my right side have been in significant pain for a couple of weeks to the point I can barely sleep because of the pain. I also haven't been able to be as physically active as normal because after doing so for some period of time (which of course is not ever set) I'll start feeling like my chest and heart are caving in.

5) I'm scared of my mental health. I still haven't dealt with losing my cat Bandit. I've been feeling a disconnect from animals and nature. I'm not able to find beauty in everything anymore. I'm afraid if I keep trying to pretend to be okay when I'm not that my body will just give out. But I'm afraid if I don't try to pretend I'll lose control of my depression.
 
I think, sometimes, being able to sort through your fears, as you have done here, can help you see what can be done to address them individually rather than have an overwhelming mass of "Aack, all these things ...I can't cope."

My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months.

Just a couple of thoughts here.

A lot of doctor's don't like to refill prescriptions if you haven't had your regular follow-up appointments - but will work with you if they know the situation. For instance, you could go ahead and schedule an appointment for April, when you have insurance, and then write a letter to the Doc. "Hello, I'm CG, I'm on xxx-Rx. I have an appointment scheduled with you on 4/1/13 - when my insurance kicks in. I will be out of my meds on 2/x/13. Would it be possible for me to call the week before I run out and have you refill my prescription just through my appointment?" Sometimes that will work, or they will insist on you having an appointment but may be able to give you a "cash-discount" (at my doctor's office it is 30%) if you pay at the time of the appointment.

If the problem is that the med itself is too expensive to afford without insurance: a.) your doctor's office may have samples b.) you can call around and see if it is cheaper at a different pharmacy (different pharmacies get different drugs at different prices from the manufacturer - so the cash price is not always the same) c.) brand-name meds may be available via "Patient Assistance Programs" direct from the manufacturer (requires coordination with your doctor) d.) you could consider changing to one of the generics on the $4 list at the chain pharmacies (maybe something that sort of worked for you before even if it wasn't as good as what you are on now).

My point is - abruptly stopping anti-depressants can be a very bad idea. Especially the ones with a shorter half-life (Effexor/venlafaxine in particular can have some significant withdrawal symptoms if you don't taper it); especially when you are still having problems with anxiety/depression.

Don't know if any of that is helpful.

JaneQ

PS. Good work on paying down your debt! Keep chipping away at it - it will feel so good when it is finally gone. Even just watching the number go down, instead of up, can give you a boost.
 
I think, sometimes, being able to sort through your fears, as you have done here, can help you see what can be done to address them individually rather than have an overwhelming mass of "Aack, all these things ...I can't cope."

My new insurance doesn't start until April. I'll be out of my anti-depressants in 2 months.

Just a couple of thoughts here.

A lot of doctor's don't like to refill prescriptions if you haven't had your regular follow-up appointments - but will work with you if they know the situation. For instance, you could go ahead and schedule an appointment for April, when you have insurance, and then write a letter to the Doc. "Hello, I'm CG, I'm on xxx-Rx. I have an appointment scheduled with you on 4/1/13 - when my insurance kicks in. I will be out of my meds on 2/x/13. Would it be possible for me to call the week before I run out and have you refill my prescription just through my appointment?" Sometimes that will work, or they will insist on you having an appointment but may be able to give you a "cash-discount" (at my doctor's office it is 30%) if you pay at the time of the appointment.

If the problem is that the med itself is too expensive to afford without insurance: a.) your doctor's office may have samples (or rebate cards - sometimes you can also find manufacturer rebate offers online, you do need a valid prescription to go with them) b.) you can call around and see if it is cheaper at a different pharmacy (different pharmacies get different drugs at different prices from the manufacturer - so the cash price is NOT always the same) c.) brand-name meds may be available via "Patient Assistance Programs" direct from the manufacturer (requires coordination with your doctor) d.) you could consider changing to one of the generics on the $4 list at the chain pharmacies (maybe something that sort of worked for you before even if it wasn't as good as what you are on now).

My point is - abruptly stopping anti-depressants can be a very bad idea. Especially the ones with a shorter half-life (Effexor/venlafaxine in particular can have some significant withdrawal symptoms if you don't taper it); especially when you are still having problems with anxiety/depression.

Don't know if any of that is helpful.

JaneQ

PS. Good work on paying down your debt! Keep chipping away at it - it will feel so good when it is finally gone. Even just watching the number go down, instead of up, can give you a boost.
 
I hate love

that is all.

I just want to cry and leave and smack everyone in this house for being fucking assholes.
 
Why don't you truly leave, then, if they are making you so unhappy? Can you make plans to move out?

I strongly suspect there are people out there who could be more supportive of you than this particular group of very interconnected people.
 
Probably because I have a bad tendency to blog when I'm in a depression than not.

So things really aren't ever as bad in the relationships as they seem but I can start spiraling down a dark hole at times.

Got a chance to talk with both Woodsmith and Primal on my fears and the three of us have started trying to figure out ways to help them fade away.

I also get to have dinner with Dys Friday.
 
I'm proud of myself. I decided that when it comes to my relationships I'm going to first be concerned with my needs rather than if it may cause upset to my metamours since if I cave to their fears I end up upset.

In doing so I established what my needs are and have been told that they are fine and will be met by Primal.
 
I'm so scared and my nerves are shot. I just had my third 2/3 minute palpitation of the day hit me. I still don't know when they'll happen but they are getting more frequent. April and the start of my health insurance can't come soon enough.
 
Valentine's Day anxiety

And I don't know how to deal with it.

Part 1) First Valentine's Day when I have two serious relationships going on. So that's excited anxiety but it still gets translated by my body and mind as generalized bad anxiety.

Part 2) I'm still poor. And because of that I don't know what I can do with or go to with either boy for something for us to just have between tomorrow and Sunday (because I know that things for everyone in the family being able to be done on V-Day is impossible). And that breaks me because I want to have something that we are able to do for the day and I don't know what to do.

On another note I guess things with Dys never worked out well. We had our lunch date which went well enough that neither of us realized that we had spent 4 hours together but even when I've sent messages to her no reply. It happens. Now I guess to see if another girl I like wanders my way.

Tomorrow is going to suck. And I don't even know if I can mention it to anyone in the family, or how.
 
Hopefully this time frame is done soon. I think I'm just so screwed up right now because of a bunch of little things that alone don't bother me but do together.

1) I'm currently no-one's priority. Woodsmith's priority is his school work and Primal's priorities are Lamian and Peaseblossum. Some I'm either at number 2 or number 3 spot.

2) All this Valentine's stuff (people talking about what they are doing, asking what I'm doing, Valentine's stuff all around stores) is just reminding me about the above and that I can't do anything with or go anywhere with either of them.
 
2 things.

1) So I'm over my concern regarding feeling safe with woodsmith and now have seen a new problem arise. I still completely love him and want to cuddle and talk important stuff and all that but I have no sexual attraction to him. What makes this hard is I have an intense sexual attraction to primal and don't know how to explain it
I do want d/s stuff with him but not sex.



Dance is calling so I gotta write part 2 later.
 
Songs that pulled me to the dance floor done.

Thing 2. I've found I've lost respect for peaseblossum. Primal will consistently make changes in an attempt to make her okay with poly and after a week or two she starts complaining about the same things all over again. They've almost broken up at least 4 times since the start of the year but each time she promises to try harder. He really loves her and I want him to have a good relationship with someone he loves but I hate seeing him hurt so much each time this bullshit starts.
 
Well this will be a change.

Apparently Tuesday Lamian actually discussed with Primal for the first time since he and I got together about protection. Primal and I haven't been using anything but my birth control and she admitted she wasn't comfortable with that.

So last night (with her permission cause he didn't have any chance to get non-latex prophylactics) we had non barrier sex for the last time until she is comfortable.

I did mention to him that I was a little upset that she didn't talk to me also about it (since we live together) and instead put him in the position of the middle man.

But now I have 48 non-latex condoms to see if it does work for us. Otherwise we'll have to approach her about possibly changing things.

EDIT: And then I get home and am informed Primal misunderstood Lamian and she was just curious if we were using or not. Not that she didn't want us to without protection.
 
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I realized something recently (as in the past week when Primal started talking about leaving Lamian).
I'm less pissed now at what Peaseblossum or Lamian do (mind you both of them are fucking up, Lamian more so) but at the fact Primal keeps expecting these changes to happen, lets them know he wants changes, and then when they don't he either just gets upset and closes off or repeats he wants changes without stating what they are.
 
So I mentioned earlier how Dys fell off the face of the planet.

A couple of weeks ago (3/7) Lamian did a fire performance for a show producer here in St Louis at a venue called the Grey Fox. While there I met/flirted with a girl (Star). Got her phone number, she was excited when hearing I was poly (since she is as well), kissed a little.

So Thursdays have now become a day that we plan on seeing each other at the weekly thing at the Grey Fox (The Sumtimes Cabaret).
 
So Primal and Peaseblossum broke up on Friday. She wants a monogamous primary who can dedicate their life to her which Primal isn't able to give her. According to Primal it was mutual. He did admit he got pissy with her when she tried to lay blame on me for their problems because, as he said, their problems had nothing to do with me (she's been going through issues with not having money because she supports her mom, who is able to support herself and just refuses to, and was constantly picking fights because of not having any money).

Lamian, Primal, and Darkeyes are at a point where things need to be figured out. While Lamian wants to be able to have both boys as co-primaries they have both realized that doesn't work for them. So I know Primal wants to talk with Darkeyes to try and figure out a way the two of them can approach Lamian to discuss this without her having a breakdown.

Woodsmith and I are doing well. There's still some distance but now it's more of the normal distance from having an introverted, highly ADHD person who gets fixated on projects. I'm still not the most sexually driven for him (still dealing with the fact he doesn't put forth any effort in that aspect, just go to bed, strip, enter, pump for a bit and then cum) but various other intimacies are present and active plus we're starting to get a little more into the BDSM aspects.

This past week Lamian and Primal were up at Lamian's mother's for his vacation (and a trying to figure where they are after the week before insanse blow-up). So Saturday was the first day he was home. Primal, Woodsmith, and I went out to a bar and when we got home I spent the rest of the night/morning till 2 pm with him, talking, sex, hanging out. Conversation we had actually had me in tears of the very happy kind. That night he apparently figured out how to say what I meant to him and hearing that just made me in happy break down mode.

Still having really fun flirts with Star. Last Thursday when I was heading back home from the show she gave me a kiss and told me to text her when I was home so she knew I made it back safe. And lots of FB/text flirts and chatting since.

So that's the most recent update.
 
So I don't know why I'm withdrawn but I am. Don't give a shit really about anyone, don't feel like putting forth any effort, don't desire giving people any care other than myself at the moment.

I feel like I don't trust any one for anything. I feel like I'm neglected. I feel like I need to become narcissistic/sociopathic and only do anything that's only beneficial for me.
 
So apparently I was just in a blah mood with my last post.

Good poly news (hopefully). Primal talked with Lamian about the stuff that has been pushing him closer and closer to leaving her. She promised to make the changes he said he needed her to make.

I have my fingers crossed but I don't know if she'll be able to do one of them. When she first started dating Darkeyes the conversation they had about that was that Darkeyes was going to be her secondary and Primal would be her primary. Within 4 months (and no conversation with Primal) Lamian decided that Darkeyes and Primal were going to be co-primaries and since then she's really kinda neglected Primal to less than a secondary (need fulfill order kinda became Darkeyes needs, Darkeyes wants, other friends needs, Primal needs, Primal wants). So for nearly 2 years she's seen and believes she has treated them as co-primaries. She is adamant that she doesn't want to lose either of them and Darkeyes has stated he wants to be her primary so I just don't know if she starts to put him back as a secondary and if he was to pull away if she could continue with it.
 
So one of the local producers for shows here in STL was having auditions for two of her shows tonight. I went to show two of my LED acts.

Giddy alert for the night. Star was there and 4 times she called me her girlfriend. 1 was when she saw me (My girlfriend's here), one was introducing me to two people she was talking to, on was when I got on stage to do my first act, and one was when someone during their act (comedian) talked about taking me home.
 
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