the story of a secondary

Thanks Phy and GreenMom!

Gia happened to be in my neighborhood after work today, getting some work done on her car. We walked around for an hour or so, stopped into shops, talked casually. It was really nice.

Several days ago, I mentioned the idea of getting together for a just-us date soon. We've been seeing each other very regularly lately, but never for long alone. She said she didn't think she'd be able to make that happen this month, so we're looking at early next month. Disappointing, but I know she's feeling really overwhelmed and crazy lately, so I get it. I want to be a positive force in her life, not a stressor. Just frustrating. :/

Well, I felt a little better about it after this. :) While we were walking, she said that she had an idea for our next date. She's going to find a complicated recipe that she'd love to try but that requires a ton of prep (gathering ingredients, julienning things, etc). I'll be in charge of getting the prep all done perfect, then helping her cook, then we'll chill and eat. From the way she framed it ("I was thinking you might like this... I'm going to give you a list of tasks to perform...), I know she was thinking of it as a D/s thing. It's actually very along the lines of some of the ideas presented at the feminine dominance class we went to. And at the same time it's perfectly her and perfectly us.

I agreed to the idea enthusiastically, she linked her arm around my waist and we walked along like that, grinning.

It just thrills me to see her to begin to develop confidence in this area. It's such a gift to me, for her to take the time to think through how to hit my buttons in a way that will also hit hers and that will fit into the way we live and love together. I adore how she finds the femme-iest ways to start to dom me (marking me with lipstick, ordering me to help her cook fancy food).

Unf, there has literally been a years-long build-up to us exploring this dynamic together. My sweet, beautiful, strong lady. I'm in this with you whatever we end up making of it, but I'm ready to be so much more yours, if you just could let me.

In the meantime, I spend a lot of time looking at kinky stuff on tumblr and daydreaming...
 
I finished my fanfic! Just over 13k words. If you've seen The Avengers movie, it'll make sense, if you haven't it might still be hot if you're into the things I'm into. :D Basically, after the events of the movie, Bruce Banner moves in with Tony Stark and Pepper Potts and then sexy/awesome/kinky times ensue.

I tried my best to model, in the story, all the things I would most want to see in terms of 1) people talking about poly before jumping in, and 2) dealing with safer sex and kink stuff responsibly.

There's explicit sex, mild BDSM, and a LOT of talking. I also happen to think it's ridiculously hot and romantic. And I've been getting such nice comments on it already!!!! Eeeee, it makes me SO happy to pour my heart into something and then to have other people enjoy it, relate to it, and get off to it. Mmmmm, yes, good times.

If you'd like to check it out, it can be found here:
http://archiveofourown.org/works/

..splitting the url in half out of paranoia like I do...

435969/chapters/741610

I am going to have to work hard in the future, when I see posts from couples approaching poly in a way that seems naive to me, to not just link them to this story and say, "See all the communicating Tony and Pepper do with each other, and then with Bruce? Yeah, you're not doing that. You have to do that."
 
Okay, wow. That was fucking hot. I know pretty much nothing about the Avengers beyond what you have written earlier in your blog, and apart from a bit of a ? moment when you first mentioned Rhodey, I didn't feel like I needed any back-story to enjoy the fic.

I loved the smart conversation, and the explicit discussion of things that are far better when mutually understood beforehand. I was impressed by how you made best practice sexy :)

Aah, I had a to-do list for this afternoon somewhere... *fossicks among the bedsheets* ;) Thanks for sharing. Definitely gonna share this link with a few people. Congrats!
 
oh.my.ghods. GRRRRL, that was amazing! I shared it with my men (before I actually finished it even).

CBF has a thing about imagining us as movie characters. After Ironman, he's always saying to me, 'can I have one?' and I'm to say 'no.' :D

There was something in chapter 3, i've conveniently blocked it now, but it was something he and I say to each other. It was so intensely personal for me to read.

Your wonders never cease to amaze me!
thank you, thank you, thank you! <3
 
Okay, wow. That was fucking hot. I know pretty much nothing about the Avengers beyond what you have written earlier in your blog, and apart from a bit of a ? moment when you first mentioned Rhodey, I didn't feel like I needed any back-story to enjoy the fic.

I loved the smart conversation, and the explicit discussion of things that are far better when mutually understood beforehand. I was impressed by how you made best practice sexy :)

Aah, I had a to-do list for this afternoon somewhere... *fossicks among the bedsheets* ;) Thanks for sharing. Definitely gonna share this link with a few people. Congrats!

Awesome, I'm glad it works even without all the context! Ha, I suppose it's not too surprising, considering that there's not too much in the way of "plot". :) The only elements that would really be confusing if you didn't know about them would be 1) the discussion about Bruce's heart rate and him needing not to experience strong anger or shock, because of the whole Hulk thing, and 2) Tony's arc reactor, the glowy metal thing in his chest that keeps him alive, which gets mentioned in passing a couple of times.

I strongly believe that "consent is sexy" is more than just a slogan. Consent really IS sexy, at least to me, if you can treat negotiation and communication almost as part of foreplay rather than some distasteful chore before you can get to the good stuff.

I had to look up "fossicks". :)

So happy you enjoyed it!!
 
oh.my.ghods. GRRRRL, that was amazing! I shared it with my men (before I actually finished it even).

CBF has a thing about imagining us as movie characters. After Ironman, he's always saying to me, 'can I have one?' and I'm to say 'no.' :D

There was something in chapter 3, i've conveniently blocked it now, but it was something he and I say to each other. It was so intensely personal for me to read.

Your wonders never cease to amaze me!
thank you, thank you, thank you! <3

Aww, your dynamic with CBF sounds so cute! :) And I'm sooo curious which line it was that was actually something you guys say.

The story is *very* personal to me as well, I feel you on that, of course. Gia knows about my tumblr, although I don't believe that she reads it religiously, so she may well end up reading the fanfic. The idea actually scares me a little because it's my heart and brain and sex drive just splayed open and turned into words.

For that same reason, it means so much to me when people relate to it. Really glad it worked for you, thank you for the feedback! :)
 
Aww, your dynamic with CBF sounds so cute! :) And I'm sooo curious which line it was that was actually something you guys say.

Okay, for you, dear grrl, I went back and read it again. :eek: 'Mine' was the one that got me. (he's only taken to that recently, like just prior to our vee)

And actually, both of them do versions of 'that's my name, don't wear it out'. Like, if I say 'goddammit,' FBF says, 'consider it damned.' And the veto on the stupidest name? It wasn't a name, but I said something, and FBF said 'don't ever say that again.' Then he made up a new word and had to say it a few times and then vetoed it himself.

Oh, and I was so overcome before, I neglected to mention, in addition to being a fabulous story; it's such beautiful English. I don't think you repeated a single adjective, and you did that without it feeling forced or edited for that. Regardless of subject matter, I'm a total sucker for beautiful English.
 
Okay, for you, dear grrl, I went back and read it again. :eek: 'Mine' was the one that got me. (he's only taken to that recently, like just prior to our vee)

And actually, both of them do versions of 'that's my name, don't wear it out'. Like, if I say 'goddammit,' FBF says, 'consider it damned.' And the veto on the stupidest name? It wasn't a name, but I said something, and FBF said 'don't ever say that again.' Then he made up a new word and had to say it a few times and then vetoed it himself.

Oh, and I was so overcome before, I neglected to mention, in addition to being a fabulous story; it's such beautiful English. I don't think you repeated a single adjective, and you did that without it feeling forced or edited for that. Regardless of subject matter, I'm a total sucker for beautiful English.

Yesss, I absolutely love that bit. :) And, wow, this *did* line up particularly well with your life, didn't it?

Also, SCORE, I had to do sooo much editing to remove repetitive words and make it flow, so if it didn't seem that way then the work paid off. :D
 
Great style, Annabel :) Liked it and as well found something quite personal there. You have a great way with words and connecting to your readers personal experiences as it seems :p
 
It's been a little while since I've posted here! Let's see, what's been going on...

I went to G&E's place to watch Bee the other week, the plan being that I would take him back to my place so that Gia and Eric could get some alone time. I hung out for a bit first. Gia suggested that I stay and watch him there, and asked if I'd be ok with that if they still wanted alone time. We were sitting on a bed together at the time. I said "Hmm, ok, wait, let me think. Hmmmm." I felt distracted by her presence, so I said "I'm just gonna think under this blanket," and pulled a blanket over my head. I love that I can be that weird around her and not feel awkward.

I decided to stay. When they were ready to retire to their room I scooped Bee up and went out with a shopping list and some cash they'd given me (it was my suggestion that I could run to the store). I really didn't want to come back while they were still in bed together, so I drove around aimlessly while Bee slept in his car seat for a good 30 minutes before going to the store. By the time I got back they were out and about. I was chill outwardly, while internally I waited to see if I would be upset. I wasn't upset. *phew*

Harry's gf, Renee, moved into his place recently with her three daughters (15 year old twins and a 5 year old, from her previous marriage). They've known each other for a long time, have been intimate for over a year, and have been officially dating for almost that long. My roommates and I attended their housewarming party over the weekend. Harry is SO happy, it's wonderful to see. Renee seems nice enough, though I doubt we'd be friends under different circumstances as we don't seem to have much in common. Davis and I might go to a museum with the two of them and the five year old this weekend.

My life has been crazy lately, poly stuff aside. This summer is just insanely busy. I haven't been spending too much time with either of my partners lately.
 
Great style, Annabel :) Liked it and as well found something quite personal there. You have a great way with words and connecting to your readers personal experiences as it seems :p

Thank you so much! I meant to reply to this back when it was posted, and as with NR, I'm quite curious as to what it was that struck home for you. Very glad you enjoyed it. :)
 
Exciting developments!!

The club night that G, E, and I went to last month (after which there was sex) is coming up again tonight. Yesterday, via internet chat, Gia told me that Eric had asked her if they were going to go over my place afterwards again, and she had said that she'd like to very much. I affirmed that I'd definitely like that too, and decided to take it a step further. I said "You know I love vanilla sex with you guys (inasmuch as a threesome can be called vanilla), but I'd also really like to get roughed up by one or both of you, just, y' know, something to consider, and if we were in fact gonna maybe do something like that we would of course want to talk about it first."

Long story short, Eric being the least communicative and the most sexually sadistic of the three of us, Gia is going to start by getting him to give her a list of what he'd like to do, in terms of BDSM. She is then going to review it for anything that, on the one hand, she wouldn't even want to be around period, and, on the other hand, things she'd like to actively participate in. Then she'll pass the list on to me and I'll rate each thing on a scale from "Ew, no thanks" to "Sure, if it gets you off" to "YES PLEASE". Anything I want that's not on there I can also add, and it'll go back to them for more review. Then, in bed, we'll use a simple green/go, yellow/ease up, and red/stop safeword system.

Guys, I just can't even tell you how excited I am about this. It's been a LONG time coming. I feel like my patient persistence and forthrightness has totally paid off. And I feel good about the system outlined above. It was Gia's idea and it gives her the most control over the process. Under other circumstances it might seem a little weird or controlling, but in this case it's crucial, since major, relationship-threatening problems have come up for her and Eric in the past when Eric has cut her out of the chance to be informed and have a say, particularly in relation to his BDSM activities. I did tell her that at some point I might like to communicate with Eric more directly about this stuff, and not just about technical stuff in the moment, but that I'd be happy to check in with her before and after beginning any such discussions. She said that sounded fine. I'm cool with letting her play the middleman for now, when it comes to this, and, heck, maybe for always, I just need to know that the option is there for me to have a direct line to any sexual partner of mine when it comes to sexual matters.

But there's even more exciting news, believe it or not!

In the course of talking about all this, Gia told me that in the last few months she's been working hard to figure out for herself exactly what turns her on and what she'd like from a D/s perspective. She said that she's doing this in large part because she wants to feel more confident being assertive and asking for what she wants, so that she can feel comfortable having a wench (a term she'd playfully used for me two years ago when we'd first started discussing this, and that you can basically take to mean "servant" in this context) this year at the big camping event we go to August. O_O She wants to let me serve her. In public (not in a creepy way). We'll be camping together this year, for a full week. IT'S LIKE ALL MY KINKY DREAMS ARE (very slowly) COMING TRUE, YOU GUYS.

Omg, they will be here with me, in this very bed where I'm now relaxing, in just over 12 hours!! ...I should probably start tidying things up.
 
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It was the best of nights, it was the worst of nights.

Gia's parents visited all day, so she and Eric didn't get much of a chance to talk. She ended up just sending me a text with a list of four mildly kinky sexual activities that they'd had a chance to agree on. I rated them from "I am crazy interested in this" to "I'm definitely willing to do this but don't know if I'll be able to do it for long" to "I'm very curious about this and want to try it but, since I've never done it before, I don't know how I'll take to it," and sent back a few additional suggestions. I also suggested that maybe we go back to my place before 2am this time, but she wrote back that this dance night is really important to her, and I said that was fine.

Gia was amongst the folks standing outside the club chatting when I arrived, around midnight. She grabbed me, kissed me, groped me, snapped my suspenders (yes, I was wearing black suspenders), and was generally loud and enthusiastic and very toppy. It. Was. Awesome. In front of all of our friends, even. Delicious. She clearly had been drinking and seemed to be enjoying herself greatly. She was more gregarious and forward than usual with everyone around us, it seemed like she was trying on a new persona and liking it.

She said to me, teasingly, "Guess which part of my outfit you're going to be wearing later?" My eyes went straight to her collar. I've fantasized about her asking to collar me, which is a D/s commitment thing. I knew this wasn't that. It would, of course, be really premature for that, since we've barely begun exploring D/s with each other. It would just be a thing for play for an evening, but I still had a moment of being touched and moved that went past the general excitement of anticipating upcoming kinky sex. I asked if she did, in fact, mean her collar. She said "Yep. For leverage." Mmmmmmm, yes.

We went inside. I knew a lot of people there, and it's always nice to be amongst friends. I downed a couple of drinks and got on the dance floor. Gia grabbed me and we danced and made out. She whirled me around, gripped me by the chin and led me. I focused on following her direction as best as I could and just reveled in it. Then we split apart and danced separately for a while, coming back together a few times over the course of the night. I also danced with other people briefly, but not nearly as intensely as I did the last time we were out.

Eric and I didn't dance together. I feel so weirdly awkward about approaching him on the dance floor, so with him not making the first move either it just doesn't happen. I was pretty ok with that fact, but at the same time it was a little weird, knowing that we'd be fucking later and he'd be doing all sorts of things to me and yet not feeling up to the challenge of getting in his space and dancing with him. I mean, what's up with that? It occurred to me that I should just bite the bullet and dance with him to get over my feeling of awkwardness, but I just didn't feel like there was enough of a reason to push it. I did wonder what he thought, what he felt. But I've long ago accepted that that's a pretty fruitless line of inquiry. I have/had (I'm honestly not sure which it is these days but I'm leaning towards that latter) feelings for him that he doesn't have for me, and the best thing I can do for all involved is not to dwell on it.

But then. *sigh* Gia approached me around 1:40am and said that their babysitter had texted them to let them know that their AC had gone out and he was just driving around the neighborhood with the baby in an attempt to stay cool (he's a bigger guy and is sensitive to heat, and it's been VERY hot in our area lately). They had no choice but to go home.

Me outwardly: "It's disappointing, but of course I understand. Go on, we'll see each other tomorrow."

Me inwardly: :( :( :( :( :( :( noooooooo.......

So, they went home. And I went home and got myself off and texted them to let them know what I was doing and that I was thinking of them.

They came over today, Bee in tow, to play in a tabletop roleplaying game with me and my roommates. We all had a great time. We made pizza together, they stayed for about eight hours. Bee has just recently learned to walk on his own for short distances. :) He's very interested in everything, very lively.

Last night, missing them, reflecting on how very long it's been since Gia and I have had a night to ourselves, I got a little down about things. Not enough to want to stop, by any means, just kinda sad. It occurred to me that dating someone who's a new parent, especially when you're not co-parenting, is a little like being in an LDR. You just have to accept that the situation is such that they can't be present with you nearly as much as either of you would like.

On the one hand, I wish I was higher up on Gia's priority list, I wish she made more time to be with me. And on the other hand, I know that she's fighting just to stay sane right now, just to maintain her connection to her husband while parenting her child and very occasionally doing something just for her, and in that light what she's done to begin embracing her dominant side, at my urging, is amazing, and we certainly do spend time together, even if it's not alone time, so... how can I think of complaining?
 
Oohhhhh, bummer! :( After all the anticipation. How frustrating. I'm disappointed! :rolleyes:

I really admire your patience, and how considerate you are regarding your girlfriend's personal needs. She's fortunate to have a support person like you!
 
Oohhhhh, bummer! :( After all the anticipation. How frustrating. I'm disappointed! :rolleyes:

I really admire your patience, and how considerate you are regarding your girlfriend's personal needs. She's fortunate to have a support person like you!

What she said!

... at the same time it was a little weird, knowing that we'd be fucking later and he'd be doing all sorts of things to me and yet not feeling up to the challenge of getting in his space and dancing with him. I mean, what's up with that?

Yeah, I know what you mean! Things like that can be really incongruous. For a couple of years I was too shy to fart around Carob, though I'm not generally awkward around that with friends... just couldn't do it. Weird.

Sounds like that dance event is a monthly thing... ? If so, better luck next time!
 
Thanks so much for the commiseration and kind words, guys!

Next month we'll be camping, and I'm honestly not sure what the opportunities for alone time will be there. But yes, it's a monthly event, so there's always the month after next. I'm just taking things as they come right now, letting her/them set the pace while making my preferences clear in a non-pushy way.
 
Gia and I spent the evening together tonight, working on a crafting project. Eric went out with Bee to visit some friends, so it was just her and me. I was briefly tempted to try to lure her into the bedroom, but we actually really needed to finish the project.

We were working quietly in different rooms at one point, music playing on Eric's computer. She came into the room where I was working and stood in the doorway. I was sitting on the floor, taking a short break from what I was doing and drinking some water. "I brought a piece of tape!" she said. I looked up. She was holding a piece of blue masking tape. I was puzzled, but then it came together, something about the way she was holding it, its size, the way she was looking at me. I felt myself get warm. I lowered the water bottle I was holding. "You can take another sip," she said, so I did. I wiped my mouth on my shirt. Then she came over and put the tape over my mouth. She looked very pleased with herself.

Once she was sure that it was on right and that I was good with this situation, she left the room to go back to her work. I sat there, dumbfounded for a moment. I had this sudden, irrational fear that I would show her my work on the project and it would turn out that I'd fucked up somehow and she would be annoyed with me and I wouldn't be able to apologize or explain. The frisson of this strange concern just added to my engagement with the situation. I pulled out my phone and took a few pictures of myself with the tape over my mouth. It suddenly occurred to me that she might come back in and find me doing this instead of working and not approve. I quickly put the phone away, feeling another strange moment of fear/excitement at the idea of her being upset at me when I was silenced.

Once I finished what I was doing, I came into the room where she was and we worked together for a while. My silence wasn't much of a barrier, I only had to write her a note once. Mostly we were quiet, or she spoke of this and that and I made little "mmm" sounds in response. A song came on that I've loved for many, many years. When it was over, she called me to her. She told me that that song had always made her think of her relationship with a particular female ex of hers, a friend from college that I also know, from whom she is estranged, and who I know she misses (not Jen, the woman that she and Eric both dated, this pre-dated that). She said that when she hears the song now, it makes her think of us instead. The tape was still staying in place because it was stuck to my cheeks, but it had long since come loose around my lips. I nuzzled her hair and told her, quietly, "I'm glad."

When Eric was getting home, she asked if I wanted the tape to come off. I murmured a question, "Is it all the same to you?" She said yes, that I could take it off myself, or she could take it off for me, or I could keep it on as long as I wanted. I had been so afraid that she would want me to take it off, that she would somehow not want Eric to see this thing between us. I wanted him to see, I didn't want to feel in any way like it was a secret. I needed to know that she embraced what we were doing as much as I did. And I wanted Eric to see it on another level because I wanted to gauge his reaction, wanted to know he was comfortable with it. He smiled at me and seemed normal and relaxed.

I cleaned their kitchen while Gia did some work on my bit of the project, Eric ran out to the store, and Bee snoozed. Gia took off the tape shortly after, because she needed my opinion on something, and at that point it was fine with me, I was ready to let it go.

It feels almost too intimate to write this all out here, and I hope that Gia will forgive me for sharing if she ever reads this, but I wanted so much to record this and to let you all know how happy I am tonight. :)

Edited to add: A part of me knows that this probably reads as either ridiculous or just confusing to most people who aren't into D/s? It's hard to explain why this was such a big deal.
 
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