those three little words

booklady78

New member
I think this is more of a general relationship question, but it has been weighing heavily on my mind with no real solution in sight.
My husband of nearly 14 years loves me, he says and shows it all the time. My bf of 6 months is a bit of a trickier issue. For many reasons that I do accept and understand, he has not been able to verbalize the words 'I love you'. That being said, I feel so loved by him. He is thoughtful and romantic and tender, he has given me such confidence and enriched my life so much.
A recent example, we were on the bus yesterday, holding hands, talking and stealing kisses from each other. An older woman tapped me on the shoulder, she said "I hope you are always so gentle with each other". If total strangers can see how much we mean to each other, then why isn't that enough?
I love him, very much. Part of me wouldn't change how he expresses his feelings for me, as the rational part of my brain reasons that it's just as wonderful to 'feel' loved vs. to hear the words.
There's just this stubborn, insecure part of me that longs so much for him to verbalize his feelings. Like I can't really know his feelings until he can 'admit' to them.
I find this so difficult to bring up with him, I don't want to pressure him. I want him to express himself however he is comfortable, when he is ready.
How do I quiet that little voice of doubt? How can I accept how he expresses love? Because he is wonderful and I want to understand where my insecurities are coming from.
My husband has recently entered into his own poly relationship with a woman and we're both anxiously waiting to see where it will go. He believes he is falling in love with her, which triggers jealousy only in the fact that she will know his feelings, with words and actions. It feels so strange to be happy for him with this stuck in my head.
I've tried to focus on how he shows his affection in other ways, the list is endless and I know he cares about me a great deal. I believe he does love me, he just can't say it right now.
I have had very limited relationship exprerience, (my husband and my bf, thats it) has anyone else had to deal with this from a partner?
Any insights, thoughts, stories to share, would be appreciated.
 
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As often is the case, expressing my thoughts here has spurred me into opening up a converstation in person.
After talking to my bf, the situation is much different than I expected. He has a very different view on the words 'I love you' based on his own experience with them. They mean little to him and are associated with the pain of previous relationships that went badly. I may never hear him say those words to me.
He says I'm 'the person he cares about most in the world' and so many other wonderful affirmations of his feelings, he just can't use those particular words.
I find myself very upset by this realization, having to let go of the desire to hear them is a bit like grieving.
I don't understand why I need to hear him tell me he loves me, can't let go of the notion just yet. Why are those words seemingly so much more powerful than anything else he says? He can express his feelings so eloquently, make me feel so loved. Am I just being stupidly stubborn to want to hear him say those words specifically?
 
He has a very different view on the words 'I love you' based on his own experience with them. They mean little to him and are associated with the pain of previous relationships that went badly.

Hi Booklady,

If I can help from a guys perspective I'll try. Not so much from my own but just from living in the 'mans' world.

It was interesting you hung the second post out because that was ONE of the possibilities I would have brought up. I'm sorry that's been his experience of 'love' - but it's 3 words in a longer sentence......

One other possibility is this......
Those 3 little words are often understood differently by men because they have a history of having a lot of conditions potentially attached. The words have been abused by so many over the years. Such as....

I love you BUT.........
or
If you really loved me you would............ etc

So some might relate it to that often discussed fear of commitment !
Your BF has obviously been trapped in that situation in the past as he explained to you. He's wary of what that term might get him in to !
You have to respect that. And like you said (wisely) pressing for it may make it seem just that much more of a trap.
You're right, love isn't about words - it's about actions. It's just as common to hear people throw around all the "love yous" and then act entirely differently. So be grateful :)

And rest in the assurance that if you ever DO hear it - it will come from a new & different understanding of the words. And that will be a cause for celebration.

GS
 
I agree - what really matters is how he behaves with you. The words have little meaning in and of themselves.

I am a woman, and I feel that I need to be ready to accept the responsibility associated with the words "I love you". I do feel the emotion towards my bf, and I want to be sure that I can uphold what I think comes with "admitting" that. - It seems like it is a guy thing, but not so.
 
GS, It right on point. Be grateful... Please be grateful for the love you have. Unfortunately at the moment my Fiance and I are on very shakey ground. There are massive holes in our relationship and he is using those 3 little words to make patches... but theres still a hole underneath each one. There has been absolutely no action behind those words for healing our relationship or my heart. And quiet frankly... each time he says those words it feels like another little piece of my heart dies... Words that were once so beautiful are daggers from his mouth.

And worse of all, its like chewing glass to say them back and not put a BUT at the end of it. I love you, but the things you do are killing my spirit.... : ( I do have hope for us I just have to add. Sorry to rant about this, but I understand how one can have a painful reaction to simple words, words that give you the opposite reaction.

Might I suggest asking him the thoughts and feelings that those words trigger in him vs the thoughts and feelings that are triggered by how he expresses his love for you in a way that is healthy for him and express yours as well. I think it would make for a loving convo that would leave the both of you at peace and with a stronger bond.
 
I'm afraid I have to agree, the words are nowhere near as nice as the actions. My husband has a long history of saying the words but acting in a completely opposite fashion, and I have to say that now that he's actually behaving in a loving manner I feel so much better!

Perhaps there could be a compromise for the two of you, which you would have to find through communication of course. It never hurts to talk about it in a loving, non-judgemental way. Then, at least, you feel heard and he has a better understanding of how you feel.

Possibly there are other words he could say that would mean "I love you" to you. I love how, in the movie "The Princess Bride", he says, "As you wish" when he means "I love you". I've said "Drive safe" to my husband for years, and of course it means "I love you". There have been days when he refused to leave the house until I said "Drive safe". Maybe if the two of you could have a phrase like that, it could satisfy both of you.

Another possibility that occurs to me is if he didn't mind if you asked when you need to hear it. I ask my husband if he loves me, and all he has to say is yes, though I enjoy the "of course!" as well. :) Then I hear "I love you" even if he doesn't say the exact words.

If it really does come down to you having to learn to live with it, then know that *feeling* loved is much better than hearing words that have no feeling behind them.
 
Very good !

Just to share - my mate (wife) and I are enjoying this topic and it's opened up some interesting discussion.
She's just a 'love bug' - just a generally loving person and loves to share it. A firm believer that spreading love in the world changes everything ! Along with that belief is the natural desire to express it - verbally.
Around the house here we must hear "I love you" 100 times a day ! Between myself, our son at home, the cats, it's almost an endless stream !
Almost to the point of ad naseum and and meaninglessness !
So this sparked some thought. When is enough 'enough', so that it DOESN"T lose it's meaning & value.
So thanks to the OP !

GS

PS: So Booklady - if you need to score some "I love you's - c'mon over :) Plenty to spare here. I'll throw in a couple too.
 
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Sigh. Lemondrop, I hope we can achieve what you and your husband have.

Ilove2men, I honestly wish that for you too. It took and still takes a lot of work, self-knowledge, some counselling, a bunch of reading, honesty, and a ton of communication.
 
Don`t get to hung up on the words,...while you may want to obsess over it,..replace the obsession over 'why not', with the obsession for some excitement over the idea that one day, when said,...it will be a very special moment for you.


For me, I don`t love easy, but express it easily once I do. "love" to me can come in stages, and different levels and types. Once I say it here and there, I don`t feel a need to say it often.

While my husband, says 'I love you' many times a day to me. His tone changes, his voice alters, between the different ways he says it. Sometimes it is a way of connection. Sometimes he says it as he feels a surge of love, and sometimes he says it for reassurance. I cherish it all.

I guess, what my babbling is letting you know,..is that the words of love may come in different forms. If you FEEL loved, and well treated, and the relationship is solid, hearing the words should not matter as much.

We condition ourselves to look for those 3 words, just as we are conditioned to look for the ring,..the commitment,......etc, etc.

..but our heart knows. Regardless of what our ears get to hear, the heart already knows if love is there or not. That is why it is special,..a love connection needs no words.
 
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I think that it is very interesting to try to understand the different ways that people tell each other "I love you" - each person has a different way of doing it, and, if you're not aware of that, it can seem like the other person isn't saying it.

One of the tools I have found interesting in terms of understanding this is the Five Love Languages - they have a website which you can google, since it is a commercial website hawking the books which is not allowed to be posted here).

There is a quick online assessment that you (and your partner) can do there, to compare.

The idea is that we have the languages of love that we understand and that are important to us. For us to feel loved, we need to hear it in a language that we "understand" if you like.

They have broken it down into five categories (or languages): Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch

The concept goes that if you rank Words of Affirmation as your primary language, and Acts of Service as lowest, and your partner has the reverse, then them washing your car, which they regard as a sign of showing you how much they love you, comes across to you as "thanks, you washed my car, now why can't you tell me you love me?" You just don't comprehend it as a way of expressing their love, whereas that was exactly what they meant!

OK, it is over-simplified, and I can't do it justice, because there is a book on the subject that goes into it in great depth. It's a little bit mainstream self-help in style, but I think that the principles are ones that we can examine and get something from. I know I have.

The idea being that if we know our partner's primary love language then when we want to really express how much we love them, we do it in THEIR language.
 
Thanks, Lemondrop. Oddly enough, we have been trying to sort through the rubble of last week and my fiance actually brought it up last night. That he says it all the time, but he's not showing it. He is having to do a lot of soul searching to start his self improvement and I am trying to get myself to a healthy place where I will be able to accept that love. We are a little distant with each other right now, but in a good way. We are focusing on ourselves and giving the other time to do the same. My boyfriend (he asked *gush*) has been amazing through this. Its shocking how I've been with my fiance 7 plus years and suddenly we are strangers to one another and my boyfriend can translate my needs into words better than I can. My mouth dropped when they shared the texts they sent to each other yesterday. Its going to take time and I don't quite feel my normal self, but I have faith in all of us.

Sorry to hijack, terrible of me!

GS, personally I feel you can over say I love you if its the only way you are expressing love. I like hearing a variety of loving words and a variety of loving touches, glances, acts, ect ect. The same ole same ole seems lazy and mundane and love is neither of those. I know sometimes my love for someone can become so overwhelming that I have trouble decribing the magnitude so I will overuse I love you. When I notice this happening I push myself to define it in a varity of ways, because if I truly love that person that much, three little words just aren't good enough for them.
 
I've had more discussions with both my husband and my bf and it has been very interesting and I think I'm beginning to accept the way my bf expresses his feelings. I like LemonDrop's way of approaching it, asking if her husband loves her and all he has to say is 'yes' and the validation is there. I think I hestiate to come up with an 'alternate' way of saying the words, as really, there is no equivilent in the english language. "I care about you" or "you are special" don't have the same meaning.
I realize that feeling loved means so much, more than words could ever express really. I think I am looking for that validation, commitment, that reassurance that I have found someone that's in this for the long haul and not something casual. In time, I think we will have that, just need to enjoy what we have and continue to learn and grow. I'm learning that love is a journey and not a destination to reach as I had originally believed.
My bf told me that I'm "the person he cares about most in the world". When I really take that statement to heart, that's about as close to "I love you" as you can get <3

And GroundedSpirit... awwwwww <3 thanks for the support and offer of love :) I really do appreciate the love and support of everyone on the forums. You guys are the best!
 
based on my own experiences,some men are not 'built' that way,they cannot express their emotions verbally but prefer to do so through body language and actions. I learnt fairly early on that my father was one of those men,and although it is disappointing not to hear those words,he would have done anything for me,or protected me when I was young.
My SO told me on Tuesday that he loved me for the first time but honestly I felt it way before he said it,the little things like holding my hand,making me lunch,touching my back and the way he looks at me say so much more..I only have to look at him to know that he loves me..
 
For a long time I was hung up on what "I love you" actually meant. I found it incredibly frustrating. If a girlfriend told me she loved me (back in my mono days) I would ask her to define love, because it didn't seem so much an emotion as a request for more commitment. I felt that if I said those words I was saying "I don't want to be with anyone else besides you, and I don't see that ever changing."

I researched how our brains act when we are developing a new relationship, about infatuation, friendship, serotonin, oxytocin... trying to identify what being in love actually was. I figured what I felt was love, and what the girls felt was love, was actually just infatuation. At that point I felt even more frustrated because I didn't think they could possibly be genuine about what they felt, and yet I didn't want to drain them of that wonderful energy and feeling they had by telling them.

Lately however, I've had a different experience: I took my last shot at a serious monogamous relationship two years ago. I probably went on about 40 first dates with women I'd met online. Finally I met a wonderful girl, and we dated for almost a year before I got bored and ended it. We started having sex again a couple months later, and have been on and off for the last year. A couple weeks ago we started saying "I love you" again, even though we aren't thinking of getting back together in the traditional way. The thing I notice now though, is that there is no guilt, no pressure, nothing negative associated with those words any longer. It's not a lie, it's how I feel. It's pure and honest and it never felt that way while we were a couple.

I know I love those words now, so I guess I just want you to know that a guy can change his minds about this. He may just need a lot of time to let his thinking work itself out. But if this is the only thing that's missing in your relationship, I'd say you're doing pretty well.
 
I researched how our brains act when we are developing a new relationship, about infatuation, friendship, serotonin, oxytocin... trying to identify what
And..........
We started having sex again a couple months later, and have been on and off for the last year. A couple weeks ago we started saying "I love you" again, even though we aren't thinking of getting back together in the traditional way. The thing I notice now though, is that there is no guilt, no pressure, nothing negative associated with those words any longer. It's not a lie, it's how I feel. It's pure and honest and it never felt that way while we were a couple.

Thanks Caveman for sharing those thoughts.
I think a lot of people may find them helpful and clarifying. It would be great if everyone did the 'homework' as you did on the biological sides and learned about what in poly circles is often referred to as NRE.

And your later quote illustrates nicely what I was saying somewhere about how true, close friendships form the best foundations for deeper relationships.

Great points - thanks again.

GS
 
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