Relationship labels: possessiveness or connectivity

Petunia

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Staff member
When you think of someone special in your life as "my husband", "my boyfriend", "my wife", "my girlfriend", "my lover", (insert appropriate label) does it elicit feelings of possessiveness, as in "s/he's mine," or connectivity, as in this person is someone of value in my life and I am connected to them in this special way?

If you feel possessiveness due to these labels, do you chose to use other terms that carry less meaning to change your perspective? Such as, "the wo/man that I'm married to" or "the person I'm dating"?

I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.
 
Sometimes-but not always.
In my D/s dynamic "My M" is definitely possessive. Saying it elicits possessive feelings too. As does being called "My Angel".

In my day to day life I don't CALL Maca "My husband" except to speak to others who have no major importance in our lives (like a grocery store clerk). In conversation with most people, I simply call him Maca. Likewise-with GG. I generally refer to him as GG when speaking to people. Only with others-or in conversations on here for clarity do I identify them as "my husband" or "my boyfriend".
When speaking to them personally, I call each by a pet name. THOSE are special. We have pet names for everyone in our family-including the kids and generally those aren't shared either. I have a pet name for each person and each of them has a pet name for each person. But we don't use the same ones. Shrug.

Like my grandson is "Little Pea" to me. But Maca calls him "Peanut" and GG calls him "Spidey".
 
Part of what we had to get over when we started to open our marriage was that you do not OWN anyone, you do not BELONG to anyone. It's been romanticized for a long time to 'belong' to someone or to belong somewhere. So we did start changing how we refer to each other. Hubby refers to me as Wife. Capital W as we are legally married and there are plenty of poly people that call more than one partner husband or wife. I use DH for darling hubby or just say Hubby. Though to be honest, I mostly say hon out loud. I refer to both hubby and boyfriend as hubby.

I know some people don't like the term boyfriend and I admit it sometimes comes off seeming juvenile but boyfriend likes the terms boyfriend and girlfriend because right now we are long distance and while that means nothing to emotions it means logistically things are different than other relationships.

Thinking about it, I don't really say MY kids either. I say the kids, or by names or whatever nicknames I use when I am not in a place (real or internet) where I want private information out on them. So I refer to them as people, not property.

Side note: This does not count when they are in trouble. Then they 'belong' to hubby, or if he catches them first, they 'belong' to me. :D As in "She so gets that from you!" or "Oh that one is all you!"
 
When you think of someone special in your life as "my husband", "my boyfriend", "my wife", "my girlfriend", "my lover", (insert appropriate label) does it elicit feelings of possessiveness, as in "s/he's mine," or connectivity, as in this person is someone of value in my life and I am connected to them in this special way?
Connectivity.


I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.

Is he inside your head and heart?
 
For me it has nothing to do with possessiveness. So I do use those types of terms.. We all do.. Its a descriptive label not a prescriptive one
 
I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.

I am glad to see that you are taking the time to consider your words and the possible impact they have on your life and surroundings. If we don't take a moment to think about these things then we are really just functioning off of our instinct which is primarily fueled by the traditions or our environment.

I find that most of the time the people around me aren't stopping to consider what *they* are doing, so why should I accept without consideration that it is right for me?

When you think of someone special in your life as "my husband", "my boyfriend", "my wife", "my girlfriend", "my lover", (insert appropriate label) does it elicit feelings of possessiveness, as in "s/he's mine," or connectivity, as in this person is someone of value in my life and I am connected to them in this special way?

While I try to avoid labeling people, I do understand that we are pattern seeking creatures and that classifying the things around us is one of our instincts. It's not a bad thing for our mind to want to do this, it helps us to decide how we qualify and thus value what is around us. Unfortunately these labels often come with assumptions that we may or may not personally attribute to a relationship and can serve to prompt us to beliefs that we don't necessarily have.

I was recently struggling with an emotional reaction to being labeled "friends with benefits" because of some of the assumptions which I was making about the name.

If you feel possessiveness due to these labels, do you chose to use other terms that carry less meaning to change your perspective? Such as, "the wo/man that I'm married to" or "the person I'm dating"?

As with any communication, I find that using the most precise words generally helps avoid unwanted assumptions.

This is the same with introducing someone to other people. If I say "This is my girlfriend" people make a number of assumptions; that we are exclusive, that we live together, etc. If I am not comfortable with those assumptions then I might just be better off using the persons name - "This is IV." (though invariably if you don't assign a label to someone you will promptly be asked to do so "Is she your girlfriend?")
 
Its a descriptive label not a prescriptive one

Labels in general are not prescriptive or that is just not your intention in using them?

Most labels come with a number of assumptions with them, which is why we use them (as a kind of short hand). This short hand can easily convey a set of characteristics which is not necessarily present but that the title itself can help to encourage. Introducing someone as "This is your new manager" not only describes the position and responsibilities of the role, but can also suggest things like "authoritative nature" and "problem solver" and "decisive under pressure". It's the same with "wife", "boytoy", "girlfriend", it is entirely possible that the use of those labels encourages a pattern of behavior in line with whatever the assumptions are (even if it wasn't the intention of using those labels).

I imagine as long as people are mindful that their language is not instructing their actions then their language is entirely irrelevant (at least for them personally). Since I don't assign that kind of presence of mind to the unwashed masses I would always advise using titles which come with the least possible number of assumptions.
 
I understand your point. :)

I simply don't care about other people's assumptions. People see and understand what they want.. Regardless of how well spoken. If people are interested they ask. Otherwise they can assume what they want..

Its always been a good litmus test for my interest in them as friends or otherwise.

Besides it can be fun to leave communication room to breath. Makes for some interesting discussion with the right group of people.

My label laziness could simply be a consequence of my job. I can't allow for assumptions in my work place. I build documentation and policies for it infrastructure and the training to go along with it. I don't carry that skill's into my personal life.
 
"My X" definitely has possessive connotations for me, yup. I actively try to avoid it and construct sentences otherwise, and do sometimes catch and correct myself when "my" slips out.

["ceterum censeo" rant] Then again, "my husband/my wife" seems just about right. Marriage *is* about ownership of another person, IMO. That's a main reason why I despise the whole concept and will not support any kind of "marriage equality" movements. I want society to get rid of it completely, not to get more people to sign up for this outdated mess. [/rant]

I dearly wish there was a relative/connective pronoun instead of a possessive one to use. *sigh*

As for the labels BF/GF, partner, lover, whatevs... go with whatever floats your boat. R. and I happen to be fond of "shipmates". :)
 
"Biatch", "Cabana Babe" & "Space Cadet" work for me, and they all come running because they aren't sure who i'm talking about.
 
When you think of someone special in your life as "my husband", "my boyfriend", "my wife", "my girlfriend", "my lover", (insert appropriate label) does it elicit feelings of possessiveness, as in "s/he's mine," or connectivity, as in this person is someone of value in my life and I am connected to them in this special way?

If you feel possessiveness due to these labels, do you chose to use other terms that carry less meaning to change your perspective? Such as, "the wo/man that I'm married to" or "the person I'm dating"?

I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.

In "my opinion"(possessive, it belongs to me) it should really not matter. How else are you going to refer to a friend, dare I say..."of yours'? No other way than to say "my friend". Sure it's possessive but should in no way connote ownership.

It all depends on the inflection also. For example:

I didn't say he stole the money.

I wasn't the one that said he stole the money.

I didn't say he stole the money.

I didn't say he was the one that stole the money but I did say someone else stole the money.

I didn't say he stole the money.

I didn't say he stole the money but I did say he stole something.

So I guess it all depends on what your inflection was when you were talking. If you said something to such as, "I want eveyone to know that is my husband," versus "I want everyone to know that is my husband," with the latter showing endearment, yes you may be using the word "my" possessively.
 
In "my opinion"(possessive, it belongs to me) it should really not matter. How else are you going to refer to a friend, dare I say..."of yours'? No other way than to say "my friend". Sure it's possessive but should in no way connote ownership.
Two ways around it off the top of my head (which, indeed, is mine :D) :

"XYZ and I are friends/partners/whatevs, and he/she/they..."
"XYZ, who is friends/in a partrnership/whatevs with me,..."

Takes a bit longer, sure. For me, the few extra words are well worth avoiding the possessive/ownership connotation, though. :)
 
I usually refer to the people important to me by their name rather than by their relationship to me. Especially if I am talking to somebody who knows them or to whom I often speak about them.

If the relationship is important to the conversation then I will say 'my' - my sister, my partner, my mum, my brother, my friend, my nephew. I don't think it's particularly possessive - my mum has 2 other children (and finds more to bring into the family sometimes), my brother has another sister (and also often a girlfriend), my nephews have another aunt.

It is very rare for any of my friends or family to ask if a new person is a boyfriend. They don't ask about boyfriends because I spent the best part of a decade single and very happy and very vocal about how being single was part of what was making me happy.

The lack of labels did cause my SO a problem for the first 18 or so months of our relationship. I couldn't bear to be called somebody's partner or girlfriend so we referred to each other as friends - because we are. Regularly my SO would be told off by his friends who were upset that he was treating me badly when he called me a friend.

They assumed that he was doing this as a way of keeping the relationship casual and that I would much prefer to be called girlfriend or partner. He was regularly being told he was being horrible to me or being an idiot because he was treating me badly and I might stop hanging around with him. Eventually, I got over some of my problems with romantic relationships and now I can cope if he calls me his partner. I can call him my partner too if it's important to the conversation (still prefer to avoid saying it, though).

IP
 
The people I associate with wouldn't care if I thought I owned them because they know I don't and couldn't. This leaves me no reason to avoid such terminology. I have no issue with the commitment, obligation or expectations that come with labels so I have no reason to feel pressured or restricted by them. Being obliged to do something doesn't invalidate the fact that I would want to be beneficial to that person in that way. I know for lots of people, once they are expected to do something for someone, they don't want to do it.
 
The problem is the misleading grammatical label

not the word "My" before a "noun"

I don't give that particular grammatical label any thought because there are so many grammar "rules" that have been adopted, fabricated on the fly for the sole purpose of maintaining an abusive level of control over others. The English Language, and the two forms of it that grammar that grammar attempts to constrict, namely written and spoken -- are for the most part completely unrelated to the form of the English Language known as conscious thought. Because I view the majority of grammar as either worthless, or a device used to facilitate abusive control, I don't allow it in my life unless I am programming.

I firmly believe everything above and beyond the most basic rules -- and only for the purpose of standards, and only because standards main purpose and reason to exist is only to lend itself the labors so that people may understand -- and everything that a native speaker is taught about the mechanics would benefit natives speakers if they never learned as by far the most beneficial knowledge of grammar is to know it intuitively. I firmly believe that children would all have a much easier time with their entire academic career if school was postponed two more years and children were much more practiced and stronger knowledge of core grammar in spoken form, long before they can even write or recite the alphabet. As if it the spoken word form that has by far the greatest impact on the form of English known as conscious thought, but this is already too far off track so I won't rail against pendants and all the damage they inadvertently do to all users of the English language, especially the written form.

as the label "possessive" give to the first person word "My" is roughly about the point where anything further interference and restriction grammar imposes of the written word is deleterious.

when I say "my friend" or "my *anything*" which I did not create, purchase (and in significant possessions having an allodial title) the term "my" is only to convey the relation to the noun in the context I am speaking of it, so the only technical "possession" "My" has is of the word, AKA only in communication, transmission, receipt, etc..., and NOT and possession of the noun as it exists in the State of Isreal

So when you said

Petunia said:
I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.

I would tell him (or the female influenced by him), I am his only wife, he is not "our" husband, or if he does another SO whom he is equally committed to then perhaps " Our Husband " would be more appropriate

otherwise I don't like it when non-monogamists become fixated on assigning other people's relationships to mean ownership. As it comes off as a petty way to deal with their insercurities about non-monogamy or polyamory, and feels to me like they are tryng to convince themselves they are justified in their actions.

One does not need to justify non-monogamy, as there is absolutely nothing wrong when all parties involved are fully informed and aware and desire it.

Nobody has any right to ownership over anybody, unless it is the will of they are "owned" and they are fully knowledgeable adults who explicitly consent to being owned.

I don't like it one form of love intentionally belittles another way to love in odere to feel justified in their own way of loving

I am well aware of the not so distant past when idiot men took it upon themselves to frame their minds that they had ownership of their wives and girlfriends, and it does not matter how much a person thinks he owns another, the only thing it does if forfeit significant ownership of his self. And if he is dumb enough to do so ten times, the whole ten tenths of his own, which he was previously in charge of, is lost , and likely forever.
 
I would say it depends.... We all grew up in the same mono dominant society, and many of those terms are associated with mono mindsets. I find that if using a term seems to trigger a default mindset / emotional reaction, then I may try to use other terminology for my own sense of clarification.

Using the term my husband *could* be utilized as a form of ownership, but it also describes a legally recognized relationship. I would say only you can determine which you mean.

I, myself, have often wished to invent new words to more accurately describe poly. I tend to look at all relationships as "one individual who loves another individual (or more than one)" regardless of format - unless one is defining her / his self identity on the relationship. But that's all rather arduous to say. :p
 
When you think of someone special in your life as "my husband", "my boyfriend", "my wife", "my girlfriend", "my lover", (insert appropriate label) does it elicit feelings of possessiveness, as in "s/he's mine," or connectivity, as in this person is someone of value in my life and I am connected to them in this special way?

If you feel possessiveness due to these labels, do you chose to use other terms that carry less meaning to change your perspective? Such as, "the wo/man that I'm married to" or "the person I'm dating"?

I recently had someone tell me I should ponder this as he felt I was using the term "my husband" possessively in my thinking which made me feel bad and has led to this examination.

I use the term "my husband" because it's convention, and "the man to whom I'm married" is 3 times as many words and therefore inefficient.

Does this someone believe that to be the case whenever anyone uses the term my so-and-so? Or are you a special case? Context is important. If you were saying something like "How could that woman have the audacity to speak to my husband?!??" then yeah that would come off sounding a little possessive. But if it was like, "my husband is the most amazing person on the planet" then Someone was likely colouring your words with their own prejudices.

I suspect that meaning elicits labels more than labels elicit meaning. i.e. Either someone feels possessive about their husband, or they don't. They're unlikely to become possessive just by virtue of using the term "my husband." Just like how Vix and her husband have chosen to change their language to reflect their feelings, rather than for example saying "well, you are my husband, so I must possess you, because that's what 'my' means."
 
Two ways around it off the top of my head (which, indeed, is mine :D) :

"XYZ and I are friends/partners/whatevs, and he/she/they..."
"XYZ, who is friends/in a partrnership/whatevs with me,..."

Takes a bit longer, sure. For me, the few extra words are well worth avoiding the possessive/ownership connotation, though. :)

Do you actually do that, though? Man, is that ever cumbersome. I can't even begin to imagine replacing "my friend" with "this person who is friends with me" on a regular basis. Humans are lazy, and that usually means saying things the quickest way possible. That's why people constantly end sentences with prepositions. "The man to whom I'm married" is like 3 times as many words as "my husband." That's just inefficient!

As a side note, I'm pretty certain my mom would be mortified if I started referring to her as "the woman who is in a mother-daughter relationship with me." In fact, to me, that whole approach seems to actually take away from the connectedness. My husband is no longer special, he's just some guy who happens to have his name listed on the same marriage certificate as mine.
 
And there isn't anything wrong with it

as if the people who are involved in your life have a hard time hearing anyone be referred to as "my such and such" then whether or not anyone chooses to be respectful in their presence is up to them.

And it depends on the situation as I see labels which signify your relationship in regards to the person (such as saying "My husband") as a completely different scenario than using the term "My so and so" or "My + (person's first name)"

but again, it depends how life was experienced by those people who are involved in your life, and what the terms symbolize or the meaning they carry for you and your loved ones in your life together. If the people in your life, live a life where those terms have deeper meaning, then it may be necessary for you all to be more conscious of specific words than others, especially in the words used among those involved in BDSM, which as others have noted it would very appropriate to use specific words to denote specific meaning, but to expect it from an outsider or else consider said outsider disrespectful when you they are not of the same life lived is a foolish way to understand the world and the people in it. As it will be seen as abusive

Which is why I do not have very much respect for sticklers or grammar, as so little of it is is used as the standard for clarity which was the purpose behind it as it is used today. Today it is used in ways that dishonored language, as language serves the purpose to communicate so that others besides yourself, can understand

So when grammar is enforced for reasons other than written law, as a framework to distinguish what is and what is not within the bounds of said written rules without addressing each and every possible act, when grammar serves the purpose that places rules and restrictions where one meaning is more easily understood and more precise, it is deleterious and creates problems within the form of language is was meant to solve.

there is nothing wrong with having your own way of communicating, no matter what rules you choose to abide by, so long as they are not used in abusive ways, as anytime preference is enforced over those who don't prefer it, my experience is the truth in the reason is not straightly admitted, and when it is, it is rarely a problem
 
I don't like possessiveness in general but I think being too mindful of it in speech could take away from the connection to people. I am a lot more mindful of using hierarchal terms and avoiding using them in that way.
 
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