Wide Awake

Hi Ry,

Thanks for keeping this blog, and it'll be fine to me if sometimes in the future you want to add something, although I respect your decision to close that chapter.

I have found it valuable in hearing the perspective of someone who was poly, and has switched over to monogamy. I guess that's just my own opinion, but it's how I feel. All your writings have seemed relevant to me.

In any case, I wish you the best with your renewed vows and hope you'll have a marriage filled with happiness from now on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I know you may not read this but possible others may so I still want to make this post.

Did you really learn anything from what happened? Two of the things I noticed with Matt as his problems with the poly has two aspects.


1) The time away from him and the kids. So you don't have a girlfriend but you are active in 10 charities. That sill really doesn't allow you to be a good wife or mother.

2) Not caring about his input and requests. He doesn't want the beachside house, that is clear as day. But you so so "who cares about him, I'll buy it anyways."

While your ex isn't in the picture anymore you are still seeming to do the same things.
 
Wow ?...that's putting your money where your mouth is :D. His reaction ?

His only request was to make it fair, it must go both ways. I have no objections to that because the stakes are equally high now. It will balance it out, and it makes it so that I would not be the only one putting my money where my mouth is.

Have you talked with the family attorney ?.?? Anyone try to talk you out of this ? Not that it's not a nice gesture but you got a 12 yr history the other way .

Yes, we have. Our attorneys said this in mild in comparison to certain agreements they have negotiated on, and they understand why I need to do this. They have husbands who request that their wives maintain a certain weight during the marriage, and if they are in breach of the agreement, they have to pay over x amount. There have been wives who wanted to forbid how much contact mother-in-law dearest had with the family. These are agreements that both parties signed. Ours is pale in comparison.

Our UK attorneys knew about the other relationship, so we had to bring the new ones up to speed. Once they heard the sordid history, I know their wheels were spinning thinking about all the different civil angles he could have hit me from if he had divorced me. These clauses will be protection for both of us. Our attorneys also asked if we wanted a sunset clause. Basically a sunset clause states that after x years, the agreement can be lifted. I do not want that. The only thing I want to do is renew it and modify it annually or bi-annually.

Quite a few people have tried to talk me out of it. "So if you decide you want another relationship, you will have to either risk losing everything, pay him for being the scorned spouse, try to get him to change the agreement, or just divorce?" Pretty much.

The more poly minded individuals who believe it is an orientation/wiring as opposed to my belief of it being more of a want/option/choice for myself, have tried to talk me out of it. At the end of the day, I am doing what is best for me and what feels right. I am confident in this because it is not one person making all the terms, and if there was something I disagreed with, there is no law that says I have to sign it. In that aspect, I am glad that we are taking the time to sit down and negotiate. I know myself, and I need something iron clad to serve as a reminder that what happened before cannot and will not happen again. I have something binding to make sure of that now.

So you discuss this vacation home with your husband/ life partner he's not super sold ....he's more conservative ....his pockets aren't as deep so he says no.

We did discuss it in great detail, and we decided to split the costs. The owner slashed a nice amount off the asking price, so we are buying it. I guess they thought the price was the hesitation point. The price was never an issue, but I am not complaining.

We both presented solid cases when we discussed it. He did independent research and his own inspection of the home. He talked to the realtor and the owners. He priced other homes in the area. I was impressed with the delivery. It was like a debate with counterarguments and all. He was able to present his concerns. Namely that we just bought this house last year, spent a nick chunk on renovations, and still have two other investment properties. Like I pointed out to him, out of all the properties we have, there is only one mortgage (the house we live in now). We were way under budget with the reno. When we finished paying on our London home, we decided to put the money up as if we were still paying on it. In addition to those funds, the rental price per week is the equivalent of one month's mortgage, and thus far, we have had someone renting the home every week since we left. My best friend and her family will be taking up residence in our villa from the last week of August to the first week of November. However much we spend on this new holiday home, will be earned back before the end of the year.

Matt's pockets are deeper than mine. He is frugal. I have no qualms about spending money. He looks at price tags. I find out the amount as the cashier is ringing it up. When it comes to vehicles, he finds incentives and deals. He was able to wheel and deal on his last vehicle. He researched for almost three months. He saved so much that the dealership owed him a cheque after the purchase. He is the more practical one. He will never go broke because money management and financial planing are his niche. If he ever decided to enter the finance world, he would knock it out of the park.

You say fine fuck it I'll do it on my own ya cheap prick :D ( joking ) ... I see that going 2 ways.... A definant end run ....or great I don't have to pay or deal with it. What was his reaction.

At first, he was like, "You are good." I think he was surprised by my relentlessness and willingness to foot all the costs. Then, it changed to, "Independence is sexy and a turn-on. My lady is a boss and a go-getter. I respect that."

Unfortunately, now he now thinks he has a place to go with those idiotic friends of his. Ha. They are not turning it in to a stag house. Some of his friends could be basis for the characters from The Hangover. Unexplained tattoos, forgotten nights, and just antics galore. He is the sane one of the bunch.

What are the speed laws there ? A freind of mine just got the fx very nice car ....however I don't see this as an either problem ....personally. I have my own little fleet. I got the big suv ... Pickup truck ...vintage convertible ....and a supercharged mini cooper to do pretend racing :D....oh yeah and my had/ has sedan luxury car.

The speed laws are very broad because they depend on where you are within the region. In a more rural area, it could be upwards of 110 km/h, whereas in a school zone, it might be 40 km/h. On the freeways, it depends upon the flow of traffic.

Pretend racing? Haha. I like speed, so I prefer cars that are designed for it. My need for speed is why DH is hesitant to ever give me any of his keys.

How many vehicles do you need? I thought we were bad! We have too many vehicles. Four alone belong to DH. One belongs to our nanny. I have an SUV and two cars. It has become an either or thing because I just bought my car. The last payment for my SUV will be taken out this week. The only thing we will have left on it is insurance.

We never wanted more than two notes at a time, and we have stuck to that. Three out of four of his vehicles are paid off. Nanny J's vehicle was bought outright to avoid a note. We have decided to pay off his last few in advance. We are not trying to drag it out until 2014. If we do that, we will only have one note, insurance on the vehicles, and there will be room for another note. I am hoping that he will offer to trade in one of his vehicles and apply the value to the new purchase. I would offer to do it, but the SUV was a push gift from him last year and the other car was a gift from my daddy for completing my fellowship this year. Seeing as how I do not really need another car, I am siding with him on the car issue. We are going to look at a larger SUV. The art of compromise.
 
Holy crap! Eight cars for three drivers?!?

I like to have 2 roadworthy cars for all three of us - since I ALWAYS need access to a car. The boys stay at home so they can coordinate their car needs. Sometimes 1 of the 2 is down while the boys are doing repairs (unsurprising as one is 10 years old and the other is 12 years old) - which is just annoying but do-able. We also have one broken down "fun" car for them to fix up and "play race" with in the future (not going to be street-legal). In a pinch, MrS has one working motorcycle and another that could be fixed up for Dude if he wants. All of those, plus the little tractor, make me feel like I am surrounded by vehicles I don't want or need (albeit with zero loans).

As the current cars inevitably die - I would like to replace them to look more like:

One daily driver all-wheel drive mini SUV - so I can always get to work.
One 4 wheel drive pick-up for the property - so the boys can get work done and go to town if needed.
One fun/pretend racing car - that is ALSO street legal - so everyone can use a car if needed
One motorcycle (possibly 2 - if Dude takes it up)
Upgrade the little tractor to something more versatile.
(And even THAT seems excessive.)

JaneQ
 
I know you may not read this but possible others may so I still want to make this post.

Did you really learn anything from what happened? Two of the things I noticed with Matt as his problems with the poly has two aspects.


1) The time away from him and the kids. So you don't have a girlfriend but you are active in 10 charities. That sill really doesn't allow you to be a good wife or mother.

2) Not caring about his input and requests. He doesn't want the beachside house, that is clear as day. But you so so "who cares about him, I'll buy it anyways."

While your ex isn't in the picture anymore you are still seeming to do the same things.

I did learn, and we are still in counselling. Communication was an issue. Tuning him out was an issue. His concerns were later proved to be valid as my ex confirmed every single fear he had ever had and tried to bring to my attention. Time was the worst of all. It was too much for one person to handle. I just could not do everything in the 24 hours. Most days, I worked 12 hours. That left 12 hours divided amongst two small children, a husband, a girlfriend, and sleep. With sleep, that time had to be further divided. Point blank and simple: I should have done two or three things: 1) Ended the relationship with her before we started a family. 2) Gave up the idea of having a co-primary and co-parent when their bio parent was not in support of the idea. 3) Listened to him when he was voicing his concerns and worries about that unnecessary third parent.

I do not have a demanding relationship or career now. Nothing keeps me away from my family. We both have our respective interests, but I schedule them so that I am doing them while he is at work or on nights where he has plans. Generally, I do things after my children are in bed. I never want them to have to worry about why I am not there when they need me or just want me. Thus far, there has been no point where I have missed breakfast because of an overnight/date with someone else (there have been none and will never be any more), dinner, the bedtime ritual, or had to reschedule a date with him because I was just too tired to stay awake for a date.

I am no longer worried about, "Oh shoot. After my baby's recital, I have a date with Si and an overnight on the schedule." I have one person's needs to tend to, and my ability to relax because of that is delightful. I am not worried about living in the same house and seeing the person I am married to maybe 15 minutes out of the day. There were days like that I remember one morning like it was yesterday. He was coming in from work, and I was leaving to get to work. I saw him that day from 7:30-7:45, and do you know that I did not see him again until the next day? When I got home, he was back at work again.

I am not involved in 10. DH and I attended two different events Saturday night. Our children were with their grandparents, and we made sure we got home in time for the bedtime ritual. We did go back out once they were in the bed and sleeping peacefully. We had a froyo and Reggae date. I am making sure to only be involved in charities that will not detract time or attention away from my family. School has been in session since mid-July, and I needed something to do with my days while they are at school and DH is at work. I chose charity work.

Seeing as how I am only working 12 hours a week at this point, I have all the time in the world to do what I want these days. I work on Mon/Tues/Thurs. Usually 9-12 or 10-1. DH works Mon-Thurs. He is off every weekend, so that is automatically family time. He has cookie cutter and flexible hours. I have a lunch date with him at least twice times a week. Sometimes more. My daughter is in school from 9-3:00 Mon-Thurs and from 9-12:30 on Fri. At her school, 8:30-9, it is parent/child bonding time. We alternate spending that time with her. My son is in a nursery. Due to their regulations, he has to be there a minimum of three days a week. On my days off, he is with me.

I care about what he says and wants, but I am also a very strong-willed person. He knew that there was nothing he could say or do if I was using my personal funds for the beach house. I could have chosen to spin it like I needed something to call my own, and it would have had nothing to do with him. Instead of acting first, I listened to his concerns and arguments against it, presented my arguments in favour of it, and we came to an agreement after a lengthy discussion. I was not going to go over his head or do it behind his back. In the past, I would have and told him about it after. My ethical and honest efforts worked much better than my questionable tactics.
 
Hi Ry,

Thanks for keeping this blog, and it'll be fine to me if sometimes in the future you want to add something, although I respect your decision to close that chapter.

I have found it valuable in hearing the perspective of someone who was poly, and has switched over to monogamy. I guess that's just my own opinion, but it's how I feel. All your writings have seemed relevant to me.

In any case, I wish you the best with your renewed vows and hope you'll have a marriage filled with happiness from now on.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Thank you, Kevin. I have removed myself so far from poly that I feel shame to have ever been associated with it. As sad as that sounds, it is what has been going on behind the scenes. I do not want to talk about that side of my life. Our therapist said it is like my ex never existed in my world despite playing an integral role for over a decade. Tis true. That is how detached I have become. There are no pictures of her in our home. Her name is never said by us or anyone we know. Everyone has just kind of moved on and is following some unwritten code to never mention her again.

My recent remarks have left my therapist wanting to meet one-on-one with me. Our therapist asked why I felt the need to be so hard on myself, and I could not explain it. I was sitting at the airport with my mum and dad yesterday, and I was thinking, "I broke my vows for that bullshit? I am ashamed of myself. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel like a fool. My parents raised me to be something more than a floozy and a sugar coated cheater." I am being incredibly hard on myself. She seems to think it is because I have walked on the other side of the line, felt some of the very things my husband has been feeling, and now the guilt and empathy have set in. She could be right. Eventually, we will discuss it, but for now, I have no desire to do so. I would rather just continue moving forward and never looking back.

Either way it goes, I will be okay. Thank you for your support and advice. I am glad my nightmare was able to help someone. :)

Ry
 
I'm sorry, but I have to say this. You invited your ex to move half way across the world with you and the minute that she did, you break up with her and never speak to her again. Don't allow your children to speak her name, or have any photos of her in your home. That is some very cruel and cold kinda fucked up shit if I ever heard it.
 
I'm sorry, but I have to say this. You invited your ex to move half way across the world with you and the minute that she did, you break up with her and never speak to her again. Don't allow your children to speak her name, or have any photos of her in your home. That is some very cruel and cold kinda fucked up shit if I ever heard it.

We broke up back in March and moved in late June. We never got back together, and it was clear as the day is long that she did not need to move for me or even under the pretences that we would ever be one big family again. I made no promises because day to day I never knew what was going to happen. DH's feelings towards her were clear, too. She knew his endless list of boundaries to ever tolerate poly again. I addressed those on here, too. I think I listed 20 of them. She knew the odds of him backing down and ever allowing her to have contact again were non-existent. He made it crystal clear that poly was never to be part of their lives and that my ex would have no business being involved in parenting or seeing them. None of this was a secret.

No, I do not have pictures of her hanging up in our home. She is my ex and someone that I am no longer in contact with.

She and I were friendly until she confronted my husband in a public place, made a fool of herself, embarrassed us in front of our friends, and the whole truth came out. From that moment on, I decided that she had no place in my life. Perhaps if she had respected our marriage, his role in my life, and kept the dramatics, we would still be friends. That just happened a few weeks ago.

My child turned on her months ago. I have not heard her say her name since Lord knows when? I have asked her about my ex, and I have gotten no response whatsoever. Just silence. She stopped acknowledging her long before all of the recent decisions came about. At no point have we ever flat out told her that she could not see my ex. She never asked us. I mentioned that on here because it struck me as odd.

Our counsellor talked to her. My child told our counsellor that she did not want to see my ex or be around her. Our counsellor asked her why she felt the way she did, and she told her because she hurt her and was taking her mummy away from her. Yes, she started viewing my ex as a threat and blaming her for being the reason I was gone. I am sorry, but my child's feelings deserve to be respected. My child is not forgiving like me. I am not ignoring her to please anyone. Including my ex. It might make me cold, but my child comes first. My ex was informed of this, so it was not hidden from her either.

To respect my marriage and my husband's request, yes, I kept my children away from her. Since we have been here, she has not seen them. My child's feelings have everything to do with that. Could I have went against him? That would not have been too wise considering we are still rebuilding. Would I set out to hurt my child intentionally and force her to be around someone she distrusts? No.

It cannot go both ways. I cannot be told to listen to him on everything else and in the same breath go against him on the very thing he has made clear that he does not want and is not willing to roll over on. My hands were tied.
 
I admit I feel bad about how things turned out for Si, but she did know things were on shaky ground. From Matt's writings, I could tell it just wasn't going to work out to have Si in your life. Plus her recent outburst and purposely pushing Matt's buttons doesn't help her cause.

I think it is counterproductive to try to figure out whose fault this was. No one was at fault or everyone played their own role in the situation. Mostly, I just think it was an unfortunate situation for all concerned.

Si is her own person, and can make her own decisions about how to live her own life from here on forward. Perhaps she will find it best to move back to the London area, if she has a support system of family and friends there.

You found that you had made an error in carrying the poly thing on for too long and too far. But it was not an error made maliciously; you did not mean to hurt Matt; you were just caught up in something and not realizing the extent of damage it was doing. As you came to realize it, you withdrew from the poly situation. We can't go back and fix the past, we have to focus on the present and do our best there. No doubt we will always have errors we become aware of as time goes on. Hopefully we correct the errors when we become aware of them.

Things did not work out perfectly but they seldom or never do in life. I have no ill will toward Si or Matt or you or your daughter or anyone else in this story. I just hope everyone can move forward and find happiness in life.
 
I feel bad about what happened with Si as well, but it was no secret that things were not levelled out and that as time progressed, the further I drifted away and abandoned the notion of ever having another relationship out of my marriage. I knew that with certainty the weekend we attended the wedding in Alnwick that the odds of a romantic relationship with her were not in my favour. I left it be and moved towards it being strictly platonic. My behaviour and conduct from that point on were indicative of it. Including the one day I spent with her after we moved here. We were together the entire day but never alone at any point. It was solely in public places, and there was no physical contact. Not even a hug. I treated her like an old friend. How I acted before she/we left was exactly the same.

It makes no sense to figure out whose fault it was. We all played a role in this. Obviously things could have been different.

She is her own person and made her own decision after being well informed of the reality of the situation. I have not talked to her, so I have no idea what her plans are. She might stay here, or she might move back to the UK. I have washed my hands of it all, and I am not backtracking. I wish her well.

I was stretched entirely too far beyond my means. I saw other people doing it and thought it would work equally as wonderfully for me. Not so much. The same people I looked at did not have the same type of career or half of what I had on my plate. That was the difference. Motherhood alone requires me to be on my toes 24 hours a day. There is nothing predictable about it. Everything from the child who wakes up at 2:30 AM to play with his feet to the rebellious child who does not want to wear the shoes that were picked out and feels the need to try on every pair in her closet making us late for church to the child who refuses to eat breakfast. I am seeing some things now that I am at home.

You are right. None of it was done in malice to either side. It was never my intent to hurt him or hurt her with the recent events. I am apologetic and empathetic to both. It was wanting to hold on to certain ideals and believing that things could stay the same when my priorities and responsibilities changed. Motherhood, a busy career, and just the basic functionality of life were proof that an additional relationship was not logical. In my career of choice, 80% of people I worked with were divorced or on marriages 2-4. If they could not handle a single marriage with the demanding nature of our careers, what made me think I could two relationships, two small children, and maintain sanity? Everything in my life took a hit which is why I am doing things so differently now.

In this case, I believe they worked out perfectly and the way they were supposed to. Was it the original intended path? No, but it is working out the way it was meant to. I have no ill will towards her. I am happy and at peace with every decision I have made so far, though. I am confident that I did what was right for myself, and I think that is one of the most important things.
 
I agree with all of that post.
 
"To err is human, to forgive is divine?"

Eh. I am still a work in progress so not posting within my blog is probably not the best idea.

Our schedule is balanced right now. My parenting skills keep coming in to question, and it annoys me. I am not the perfect mum. I do not spend every waking hour with my children, and I do have a right to have interests of my own. At the end of the day, they are not missing out on anything. The latest I am out is on Monday nights when I have a workout and toning class. The class ends at 9. I make sure homework is done, and that we have had dinner and spent time as a family before I leave at 7.

What my schedule looked like this week:

6:30-7:30 Cuddling with DH (One hour block of uninterrupted QT time.)
7:30-8:15 - Morning baths, getting them dressed for school, talking to Nanny J, and/or fixing breakfast for the little ones.
8:20 Out of the house and driving to duckie #1's school
8:25 Parking, getting duckie #'2 pram, and walking her in to the school.
8:30-9 Parent/child time in her classroom.
9:00 Driving to Brighton to take duckie #2 to his nursery
9:15 Dropped duckie #2 off and heading to meet DH
9:20-9:50 Breakfast or morning tea with DH before we start our days. No discussing our children. (On Friday's he has a music class.)
10:00-1:00 (work for me) and 10-5:30 (work for him)
1:15-2:15 Lunch with DH, grocery shopping, or home to do laundry, unload the dishwasher, or pick up toys
2:15-2:45 Dinner preparation.
2:55 Leaving home to pick up duckie #1.
3:00-3:05 In the line to pick her up.
3:10-3:40 A run to Frolic to chat about her day and to spend some one-on-one time with her.
3:55 Picked up Duckie #2 and heading to Bentleigh for duckie #1's ballet class. (Tuesday - ballet and Wednesday hip hop)
4:15 Arrive at the dance studio.
4:30-5:00 Watch her practise.
5:05-5:15 Driving home
5:20 Duckie #2 wants a snack.
5:30 Put the already prepared dinner in the oven or on the stove.
5:45 While dinner is in the oven/on the stove, I help duckie #1 with any homework. If she has none, I play with her, my son, or both of them. She likes to play with Barbies, paint, and go over routines again.
6:00 DH gets home. Talk to him in the kitchen, ask how his day was, and he goes upstairs to take a shower.
6:20 DH plays with the little ones and sets the table.
6:25 Washing up for dinner.
6:30-7:00 Dinner and clean-up
7:05-7:20 Being entertained by my 1 year old while duckie #1 works on wrapping DH around her finger.
7:30-8:30 Nanny J watches them for an hour while we take salsa lessons on Tuesdays.
8:45-9:30 Light snack for my little guy--usually fruit or something really soft like the melts and cuddling with my princess while we watch Disney Jr. or Nick Jr. as a family.
9:30-10 Bath time, duckie #'s last feeding while we read him a story, French braid my baby's hair while talking with her, pyjamas, prayers, story time, singing, or cuddling with my son until they fall asleep. By 10, they are in dream land.
10:05-11:05 Bubble bath, massages, catching up on texts, phone calls, e-mails before we shut it down for the night.

The rest of the night is spent with DH. Usually we eat junk food or make a froyo run, have a glass of wine, cuddle in front of the fireplace, watch CSI: Miami (love Horatio), L&O: Criminal Intent (Goren and Eames were the best), or Four Weddings Canada, or make love. Often we just talk and laugh at the most random things. The time is free time, so no two nights are the same. For example, last night, I went out after he went to bed. I told him before, and he just told me to be careful. I just had some bonding time with my female friends. We listened to music at a jazz club, had cocktails, and I was home by 12:30. He went out with some of his friends earlier in the week, so it was no issue. Every one was still sleeping peacefully.

For once, there is nothing but peace in my life. My children are beaming with happiness. DH is relaxed. I have no stress. I wake up with a smile on my face every day. Spring is almost here, and Father's Day Part II is 1st September. I am still trying to figure out what to get DH.

I talked to my bestie's girlfriend, who is a great friend of mine, and she informed me of a few things. Si is heavily considering moving back to the UK. Apparently, she was in London earlier this week and left for Ibiza the night she returned. She is there with a group of our mutual friends. I am not in contact with her, so all of that was a surprise to me. I am glad that she is surrounded by loved ones and hopefully taking care of herself.

I am having an issue of sorts within myself, and it is why I felt the urge to post again. I miss having my ex in my life as a friend. Generally, I am a terribly forgiving person, but I just do not have it in my heart to forgive her. After the most recent argument with Matt, she sent me an e-mail that was a confessional of sorts. To say it left me flabbergasted and with my jaw permanently smashed in to the ground would be the understatement of the century. In not so many words, she confirmed Matt's fears of her trying to replace him, refusing to respect boundaries, and doing whatever it took to push him out. She admitted to revelling in the fact that he left in March and wanted a divorce. She was overconfident in thinking that I would not fight for my marriage and that she had accomplished her goal. This is no different than a poly spouse who encounters a cowgirl. Only Si did not say she wanted to be exclusive. Oh no. That would not have accomplished anything. She implemented actions to get it done.

As soon as I told her that he would be returning and that we had committed to working our arses off to save it, she went cold. If you have been following this for the past six months, this is the point when Si stopped calling and returning calls. She ignored texts. She ignored my daughter's calls. Bailed on ballet recitals, days at the park, and doing things with the children she claimed she loved as her own. As a result of her behaviour and inability to be the only one investing in our relationship, I ended it at the very end of March. I realise she had a lot to work through internally, but that was no excuse for her to shut my children out. I ended up forgiving her for that in the weeks after, but my DH and even daughter have not done so.

Now that I know the full truth, I cannot even get mad. I appreciate it, but I am disappointed because it makes me feel like she did not respect our marriage or his place in my life. It makes me feel used. It also makes me question her commitment to my children and if they were also pawns or props in a sick, twisted game to one-up DH because she was jealous and envious of him and what he had with me. I seriously wonder if she only wanted to become a third parent to piss him off.

Everything she did was with the intention of driving him away and setting him off, and I am just not sure I can ever respect someone like that or allow them back in to my world. If so, I will never trust her again and question her every step of the way. What did she do? Everything from taking a job at the same place and knowing that he would be forced to see her at work and then at our home (causing him to get tired of seeing her every damn day) to knowing that she was cutting into his time with our children to saying that she did not want to move after we had purchased a home, started extensive renovations, etc. She knew that I would ask him to reconsider because of her and viewing her as part of "my" family. It was all part of it.

DH may have had his issues with her, but he always respected her and made accommodations for our relationship. At no point did he ever ask me to end it or isolate her like he probably wanted to. DH tried to tell me all these things, and I dismissed him like he was overreacting. Maybe if I had listened all of this could have been avoided. Oh well. The sad part is that her e-mail did not contain a single apology. Why would I want someone like that around me? I may forgive her for myself, but I need to let go of this idea of her ever being friend material again. Letting her back into my life spells trouble, and it would be disrespectful to my husband's feelings to have someone around who clearly does not respect him. I need to stick to what I said about no contact and follow through.

Anywho, I hope everyone is well. I am off to get some pampering in. We have a gala to attend tonight. :D
 
I suppose it is okay to be polite towards Si. An occasional email to say hi might not be too much, if she wants to send one. I'd be wary of investing much more into it than that. Whatever her motives and whatever happened in the past, it seems apparent that you and she are now traveling on divergent roads; your interests have diverged and your goals in life don't seem to be compatible. She is free to choose her own goals and live her own life.

I see no harm in forgiveness, and I'm sure it will come in time. It just doesn't need to be accompanied by an attempt to re-form close ties; you can be reasonably friendly without trying to pretend that things haven't changed a lot.

Hopefully Si will learn from this and be honest about her intentions in the future. That's up to her now. In the meantime, you have a husband and children and a good balance in your life that seems to be satisfactory to all within your household. As the old saying goes, if it ain't broke, there's no need to fix it. That's my take on it anyway.
 
Right. I do not even feel like feigning politeness, and I do not need someone around that I cannot trust. It is better with no contact. I have no doubt that our paths will cross; the unfortunate side of having mutual friends. I know how to avoid people I wish to have no contact with, so even those situations will not pose a problem. The next time will be my bestie's vow renewal in October, and I am not overshadowing her special day with the dramatics. *shrug*

The level of balance is satisfactory to those in my household. Naturally, I have people who bitch about us having a nanny, claim I need to spend more time with my children, and basically lose my identity in being a wife and mother. That may have worked in the 1950s, but it is 2013. I am a hands on and modern mother. I can treat myself to a blowout and mani/pedi and still take my daughter to the park. I can find time to take a yoga class and still be at ballet recitals. I can take salsa lessons and still be around for homework, dinner, and bedtime routines. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have an identity outside of my children.

I encounter people every day whose lives revolve around their children. What they ate, what they said, what kind of marks they made at school, and they lack the ability to hold a grown-up and stimulating conversation. They have no interests, hobbies, or anything outside of being someone's wife and mother. I do not want to be like that. It is possible to strike a balance amongst my interests, my career, and my family life. I have done it, and this formula is working. I find that the most judgemental people tend to be childless or have not had a dependent child in 15-20 years. No two parenting styles are the same, and I have carved out my own style. I am confident in how I am raising my children.
 
There doesn't seem to me to be any problem with the way your kids are being raised. They are still getting a fair share of your time and attention.
 
Family Stuff

I am doing quite wonderfully. I am off today, so my little guy is spending the day with me. We had breakfast at this bakery in South Yarra with DH after he dropped our daughter off at school. I love spending time with my son. It takes very little to make him happy. Cuddling with him is enough to keep a smile on his face. He is easygoing just like his daddy.

DH and I are doing well. We are still a work in progress. We are scheduled for a lunch date with our son in a couple of hours. 3/4 of the family but still family time. Father's Day is Sunday, and duckie #1's class is hosting a Father's Day breakfast, on Friday, which is really sweet. So all in all, everything in our lives is going as well as can be expected.

Now for the heavier stuff.

My nephew is finally getting the help he needs that stems from Parental Alienation Syndrome. Backstory: he was alienated from my sister for three months during the summer of 2012. His paternal grandparents kidnapped him. Sordid situation that still makes my blood boil. His sister is with the father, but she needs treatment, too. My sister talks to her on his whim. 99% of the time, she has no idea where her daughter is because he refuses to allow her to have contact. That was the second time he had kidnapped my niece and legally got away with it. The first time was in March 2005. My sister was leaving him, and he took her in a public place. He had already had plans in place and secured physical and sole custody in the following weeks.

From March 2005 to December 2010, she might have seen her daughter a handful of times. In 2010, he had his parents drop her off at my sister's home because he was tired of caring for her. My sister had her from December 2010 to June 2012, which was when he decided to take her back. The grandparents asked to see her and her brother. My sister being the sweet person she is agreed because they are his parents. She had no idea that the sperm donor was part of it and orchestrated it all. They told my sister they would be back at x time. The time came and went. When she called them repeatedly, they informed her that they were not bringing them back. They proceeded to cut off their phones and disappeared. The police were immediately involved, and they basically dismissed it because she told them they could visit. It took getting the man from the Tiffany Rubin case involved, and once he got involved, progress was made. My sister's life became a movie last summer. The police gave them less than 24 hours to get back and surrender them, or they would be arrested and charged with enough crimes to never see the light of day again. Obviously, they surrendered.

They brought them back, but the damage was done. They had been indoctrinated, brainwashed, spoon fed information like they had been abused by my sister's partner. This is common in alienation. The daughter was saying things like malnourished and something about the cells in her body. No child old I know talks about that. They were like little zombies and robots. In lieu of the allegations, my niece and nephew were placed with my parents. The allegations were later unfounded. The daughter was devoid of empathy, and she admitted to lying about everything in this very satanic-like prayer. It scared me enough to fear leaving my daughter and newborn son close to her for fear that she would do something to them. My mother refused to let my baby brother stay at the house when she was there.

My niece is a pawn in her father's sick and very messed up game to get back at my sister for leaving him. He actually leaves her with his parents to raise. He has drug abuse issues, and he has been behind bars since the last custody hearing. He is an unfit parent, and it is like no one wants to acknowledge it. He managed to sustain custody because of a technicality, and she has been fighting since last year to try to get her daughter back. Honestly, I believe there might be sexual abuse because he is a little too obsessed with her. It was something my niece asked me that just seemed odd for a then 9 y/o. There is something not right with her paternal relatives. Starting from the grandmother to the mother to her father to her uncles, aunts, and cousins. That family is not right. As far as my niece, she reminds me of a bipolar schizophrenic.

My nephew has anger issues severe enough that a child psychiatrist felt that he needs to be on mood stabilisers. He is 8, and he threatened another child's life. There is a complex dynamic there. His father wants nothing to do with him, and he cannot wrap his head around that. After 7 years of no contact by the sperm donor's own choosing, he finally had some of his attention and love. Sadly, that love was only temporary and lasted long enough for him to get his sister back. He only wanted my niece. As messed up as it sounds, my nephew has been left with that, and he is angry at my sister because he thinks she is keeping him away from his sperm donor. When in reality, she could not even get him to call my nephew on his birthday last year, and he refuses to support him. It makes me mad because he desperately wants his father to love him, but he just acts like he was never born.

I have to get the little one ready for lunch, and I need to think about all of this. As with anything, I hope it works out, and I am glad my nephew is in therapy. They say everything happens for a reason. Hope everyone is doing well.

Ry
 
Complicated situation; sounds like the kids have really suffered because of it. I think it will take them many years to (partially) recover. :(
 
I could not be better. Today is Father's Day, and DH gave up "his" day for me. It is really sweet because when Mothering Day rolled around in March, the aftermath was just beginning. I actually took him to Heathrow the morning of the day. I spent M-Day with my children, and it was a sad one. I had to keep my spirits up, but it was rough. It was a period of uncertainty because it was the start of a separation, the height of an emotional few days, and the pain of not knowing what was going to happen next. My, how things have changed.

Mothering Day was 10 March, and that was a short three days after the hell had broken loose. I was the last person he wanted to be around or spend time with, and he put thousands of kilometres and continents in between us. Many people called him selfish and told him he was wrong for leaving on my day. I do not know if there is a hell, but if there was, our house was surrounded in flames. We were arguing constantly and at one point, we just shut down all communication. Being in the same room was painful. We were just sharing space. I understood why he left. I was mad that he left on that particular day, but I understood and respected his need for space.

Today has been quite the opposite, and I cannot thank him enough. He did not have to make amends, but I admire him for doing so. This time 6 months ago, I was on the verge of tears of sadness, but the tears today have been nothing but happy.

How I found out about the additional plans started because of a conversation about how me met. The conversation was really light-hearted and true to us:

Me: "13 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days."
Him: "Where is my medal? I survived Camp [insert my given name.]"
Me: "Only the strong survive this camp."
Him: "Who are you telling? I had to prove myself to you for over a year to get in to your heart."
Me: *side eye* "Was I worth it?"
Him: "Yeah. I was blown because you friend zoned me from night one."
Me: "Aww. I was a lesbian, and you were the first and only man I had ever been attracted to. I was like what is going on?"
Him: "I respected that because it gave me the time to get to know you and become best friends with the woman who would later agree to be my wife and mother of my kids."
Me: "Aww. That is so sweet."
Him: "Feel free to chill with the aww'ing. Can I tell you something?"
Me: "Sure."
Him: "I owe you a Mothering Day. I left on yours, and you deserved better than that. Without you, I wouldn't be a father or have those two kids down the hall. Do you mind if we honour you today?"
Me: "Are you serious?"
Him: "Yeah, it's your day, sweetheart. We can keep any plans you made, but I'd rather be in the background and treat you like my leading lady. I took yours away from you, and its bothered me. I just want to make it up and give you what is owed to you."
Me: "You do not have to do this."
Him: "I want to."
Me: "Aww. I love you."
Him: "I love you. Show me?"
Me: "Ooh. Problem. Kind of ovulating, and unless you are ready for #3?"
Him: "Not yet. Practice for our next big production couldn't hurt."
Me: "Unless a star is born in 9 months." *sings Fame* Remember my name. I am going to live forever. I am going to learn how to fly. I feel it coming together.
Him: "I'd like to feel us coming together."
Me: "You suck."
Him: "Not as well as you."
Me: "I so do not like you."
Him: "But you still love me."
Me: "Always."

Now, every time I hear "Fame," that will cross my mind. I appreciate our silly moments and ability to have fun with one another. You cannot always be serious and solemn.

I hope everyone is doing well. Off to wake the little duckies up from their naps and get ready for lunch.
 
What a wonderful day for the both of you. It sounds like just being together will be ample reward for you both.
 
I have got to reply about the parenting thing.
I totally agree with not losing yourself in it. I know I am a better parent when I have had a little time to take care of myself, to still be the person I was before I had 2 great kids and be able to grow intellectually physically and emotionally. I got a mani today after spending most of the weekend cleaning, shopping, paying bills... Does this make me a bad person?

I have to take my kids to the gym with me and put them in the on-site daycare. They love going to play and I come out refreshed, energized and physically strong enough to keep up with them. I see you get that from your yoga.

I love my job, but I don't get to be me there, more kids. So I have to squeeze adult time in where I can, pay sitters or wait till the ex takes them. Would I love to have a nanny to help? Oh yes. Are my kids getting ripped off, no way.

They have an active, participating mum, who knows she needs a little down-time to function at her best for them, seems to be similar for you.

Props to those who can do it 24/7 but I know I struggle when it is relentless.
Mums deserve to enjoy their life too, Ry.
 
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