Isn't this poly behavior?

onoma

New member
I'll try to keep this short... basically I realized I was poly a couple years ago. My girlfriend, my first real girlfriend ever, was not happy about that development. We stayed together monogamously anyway, because she was in a bad place in her life and I still loved her and figured the rest could wait. The plan was to break up when she was ready to move on.

It's been two years since we decided that. A few months ago we got into a big fight, and basically she cut me off from sex. For almost two months she kept acting like we'd be having sex soon, she was just wasn't over the fight. Then a few weeks ago she claimed that she doesn't want to have sex, claiming she believes sex should only happen in the context of a relationship with a future.

Now, since then she still treats me basically like a boyfriend. Lots of "love yous," hugging, kissing at night and cuddling on the couch.

But something interesting came up over the weekend: Apparently she had dates lined up, and was starting to look for a new relationship. She was also planning to start having one-night stands in order to just get pregnant on her own.

So... if she's in love with me but dating to find someone else, let alone having sex with other people, isn't that kind of a polyamorous behavior?

The other thing bothering me is she wasn't planning on any sex with me. So maybe she's mono only in terms of sex itself? Or, and I've suspected this for a while, she just wants me to marry her so she can be married... rather than because she really thinks I'm "the one."

So figured I'd get some interpretations from you guys. It just seems odd to me, for a monogamous person to cuddle up on the couch with me, tell me she loves me, then go out on a date.
 
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It seems that she is seeking to swap you with someone she can have a monogamous relationship with. Maybe she's scared to be single inbetween relationships. I don't think this is a good foundation to consensually open your relationship and i'm not sure the people who care about you would be happy with you in a relationship with someone with those kind of morals and values. Especially concerning get getting pregnant in that fashion.
 
So... if she's in love with me but dating to find someone else, let alone having sex with other people, isn't that kind of a polyamorous behavior?

It looks like she is making her stance pretty clear, what is it exactly you are confused about? Is it that you need to give her behavior a proper title?

What does she tell you when you have an unambiguous and adult conversation with her about her plans?
 
It looks like she is making her stance pretty clear, what is it exactly you are confused about? Is it that you need to give her behavior a proper title?

I'm confused that she's telling me should could never have an open relationship, yet she's dating while she tells me she loves me.

What does she tell you when you have an unambiguous and adult conversation with her about her plans?

We have serious communication issues, but she has told me she could never have an open relationship. Yet, I feel like right now she considers herself my girlfriend and is dating other people.
 
So what if it's "poly behaviour" or not? You said you two broke up... how did you say it?
The plan was to break up when she was ready to move on.

There's your answer right there.

Of what use it is to you to take this situation you helped create and are continuing to enable and put it in a box and call it "poly"? If it helps keep you in your comfortable denial that your partner "really is poly after all" despite the fact that SHE TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT REPEATEDLY YET YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT (did I say that or just think it out loud?), then you have my permission to say this is "poly behaviour". After all, I heard that "language is fluid", words can mean anything we want them to mean anytime we want, and no one owns the word "polyamory", "my poly is not your poly", "there is no one true poly", "there is no one right way to do poly", etc. etc. etc.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

There was an old couple in New Jersey who decided to drive cross-country in their car. Both were almost legally deaf. About 10 miles away from home, the burglar alarm for their car door got stuck in the "on" position. They drove all the way to San Francisco like this. You could hear them coming for miles. The alarm didn't seem to bother the woman at all; she thought it was sort of pleasant. Near Chicago, she said to her husband, "It sounds like faraway bees on a summer day."

Her husband said, "WHAT???"
 
It seems to me (from what you've said) that perhaps she feels that even though she loves you, your relationship is over - or a dead man walking. Don't hang your hat too much on semantics. If she can't have an open relationship (and she's been clear on that), and she's looking, then she's probably pretty much done.
 
whoa i missed the part about trying to get knocked-up when i read it the first time!

I'll tell you what she's doing. She is trying to trap someone into a relationship with an "oops" baby. Be glad she won't fuck you, unless you want that yourself. But it won't fix your poly problem.

To be completely honest - and you are not going to like this - but I have little patience with this sort of thing. It looks from here like you know EXACTLY what is going on and what you need to do, but you like the way it looks from inside your ass instead. I predict that this thread is going to go round and round in circles with people giving you the same advice and every time they do you will post some rebuttal about how "welllll if it was THAT way then why is my girlfriend THIS way?" and before too long there will be hidden messages in the way she brushes her teeth and blows her nose. "Does anyone think that the way she blows her nose could be considered poly behaviour?"

Get real with yourself.
 
So what if it's "poly behaviour" or not? You said you two broke up... how did you say it?

There's your answer right there.

Technically, by "move on" I meant leave this city for a different one. I guess I worded that badly.

Of what use it is to you to take this situation you helped create and are continuing to enable and put it in a box and call it "poly"? If it helps keep you in your comfortable denial that your partner "really is poly after all" despite the fact that SHE TOLD YOU SHE IS NOT REPEATEDLY YET YOU REFUSE TO ACCEPT IT (did I say that or just think it out loud?),

So you think it's monogamous behavior to truthfully tell someone you love them while you're dating other people?

YouAreHere

It seems to me (from what you've said) that perhaps she feels that even though she loves you, your relationship is over - or a dead man walking. Don't hang your hat too much on semantics. If she can't have an open relationship (and she's been clear on that), and she's looking, then she's probably pretty much done.

If she's done, though, why is she holding on? The struggle for me has been that she acts exactly like my girlfriend of three years, right up until bedtime. I can even envision her kissing her date good night, then coming home and kissing me good night.

That's the thing here... I wonder if she's poly because then maybe we stay together. If not, I wonder if she's just using me for comfort. Either way, she doesn't seem at all inclined to let go. Several times I've told her being in this pseudo-relationship is too hard for me and I need space... but that just turns into a fight, which ends with her spending all her time with me and me hoping things will go back to where they were before.
 
I wonder if she's just using me for comfort. Either way, she doesn't seem at all inclined to let go. Several times I've told her being in this pseudo-relationship is too hard for me and I need space... but that just turns into a fight, which ends with her spending all her time with me and me hoping things will go back to where they were before.

Change is scary. I can't read your GF's mind. Maybe she does really love you while she's dating. However, I know from my own experience that my ex-husband wanted to separate, wanted to be closer with his GF, wanted to not have to deal with therapy, or being my friend, or doing anything that would help our relationship, but he sure as heck didn't want me to divorce him and move out. He was afraid of change.

Oh well.

It hurt. It sucked. But I was through being used.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you're not there yet, but it reads to me like she's holding on to you until she finds something else.
 
She doesn't want to be alone
 
So you think it's monogamous behavior to truthfully tell someone you love them while you're dating other people?


It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?

THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.

I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go
"AHA! Eureka! YES! That which I did not realize before is now crystal clear to me before my very eyes! You are RIGHT, my darling! I AM "poly" after all! THank you, thank you THANK you for patiently staying by my side and enduring the roller-coaster ride I put us through. It shall be WORTH all the wait, confusion, and hardship we have been through, for now we are together and stronger for the duration! I now look forward to this new journey we are about to take TOGETHER, and with whomever else shall manifest to journey with us... blah,blah,etc.etc."

That IS what you would prefer, is it not?
 
It's just behaviour.

You didn't even answer my question. The question was, what difference does it make which adjective you put before the word "behaviour"?

If adjectives don't make a difference, why do we have them? Do you think no one ever acts differently than they profess? There are women out there who think open relationships are disgusting, but only sleep with married men! Wouldn't it suck to break up, run into her 5 years from now and find out she's in an open relationship? That maybe she just reacted badly because I didn't follow the guide, on this very site, for how to bring it up to your partner?

THE TWO OF YOU ARE FUNDAMENTALLY INCOMPATIBLE AS PARTNERS.

THe sooner you realize that, the better off you both will be.

Yet she's dating other people while in a relationship with me...

I've read your other threads. You aren't going to get an answer from here that you can go and use on your girlfriend and make her go

That IS what you would prefer, is it not?

I wouldn't expect that sudden of a transition. But basically, I'd like to see her at least say it could be a discussion. There are people on this forum who didn't immediately realize or accept they were poly, aren't there? Also monogamous people who have open relationships for their poly partners?

But you might be right, and I feel like YouAreHere is probably close to the truth.
 
Sounds more like she needs to have someone new lined up before she's willing to give up the security of having you at home. Either that or shes trying to call your bluff on this whole open relationship thing and get you to marry her before she lets someone else knock her up.

Frankly the whole relationship sounds terribly manipulative on both sides. You both knew there was a dealbreaker between you and figured you'd just wait it out until one of you changed. Maybe she'll withhold sex, maybe you'll find some revolutionary book to teach her her beliefs have been invalid all along. Why are we sitting here trying to figure her out? If you don't believe what she tells you (whether its her being dishonest or denial or your part) what's the point? This isn't going anywhere. The sooner you move on the sooner you could find someone who actually wants to go in the same direction with you.
 
Sounds more like she needs to have someone new lined up before she's willing to give up the security of having you at home. Either that or shes trying to call your bluff on this whole open relationship thing and get you to marry her before she lets someone else knock her up.

I've also been worrying that she was trying to force me to marry her. Withholding sex for months, spending all her time with me, telling me she can only have sex in terms of a permanent relationship.

Here's the scary part, I kind of fell for it. We had a fight (over text message) on Friday, because I was feeling lonely and asked her to sleep with me. (Sleep, not necessarily sex.)

I had been thinking of just doing it, mostly to make her happy, and then just worrying about the open relationship thing later. I think partly out of loneliness, partly because we are always together, partly because I do love her and want her to be happy. So at like 2 in the morning I just texted her that she'd won, we can start working on kids right away... blah blah blah. Saturday morning she asked me if I was serious, and the thing is that I was serious when I said it...

...but that's also when she told me she had started dating. She hadn't told me before, or honestly I'd have been out looking for my own date on Friday instead of texting her and feeling lonely. So while I was ok with it and trying to figure out how to work things out, I couldn't resolve being told "sex is only for a permanent relationship" vs. "I'm going to have a bunch of one-night stands to get pregnant." I also wondered why she could break her morals, since she's never had a ONS before because she thinks it's immoral, in order to have a baby but wouldn't break them in order to have a baby with me.

So yeah, now I'm scared and confused and maybe grasping at straws.

Frankly the whole relationship sounds terribly manipulative on both sides. You both knew there was a dealbreaker between you and figured you'd just wait it out until one of you changed.

Well, I wasn't waiting for her to change. I just figured I'd have a girlfriend for a few months (she was supposed to find a job/move away relatively fast, but it never happened) then move on. If that had happened, I'd probably be ok... but she didn't move. She didn't break up with me. She stayed with me, but cut me off from most physical intimacy.


On her end she kept telling me we were together just because her life wasn't in order yet. One time when I said we should break up, she actually broke down crying about not having anything else in her life... so we stayed together. She's only recently admitted she kept hoping for me to change...

So yeah... I'm kinda screwed now.
 
Onoma, you are on the right track. Keep communicating with your girlfriend and make sure you both understand each other's wants, needs, and limits in the polyship. Get all your buckets in a row and keep a jar of spoons within easy reach all the time. Have her read "morethantwo.com", "The Ethical Slut",, "Opening up" by Tristan Taormino, and "Sex at Dawn". Join OK Cupid. See if there are any poly groups in your area. Tell her that just because people have a second kid, they don't love their first kid any less,, and poly is the same way except with romantic relationships. If that doesn't work beccause she is not a mother yet and can't possibly understand how mothers feel about their children, then try the food comparison. "JUst because I love pizza, doesn't mean I love ice-cream any less. So you could be the pizza and if i got another girlfriend, she would be the ice-cream. See?"

Try all of these things, and if nothing helps, let me know and I'll see what else I can dig out of the upholstery around here for you to try.

Oh, and remember - communicate,, communicate, COMMUNICATE! :)
 
Oh, and remember - communicate,, communicate, COMMUNICATE! :)

Great, way to go, onoma, you broke BoringGuy.

kkxvlv called it. This is a manipulative relationship and you guys both sound like you're content to just keep playing cat and mouse with each other until one of you grows up enough to actually end it.

Seriously onoma, is this really the kind of relationship you want? This sounds just awful to me man. Surely there is a higher potential for happiness with someone who doesn't have fundamentally different views on how to relate romantically.
 
I have to agree with kkxvlv. Some people will not leave a relationship until they have someone else lined up. Your ex - and that is who she is even if neither of you acknowledge it - is looking for her next partner. There is not much to discuss or wonder about - except maybe why both of you were willing to accept this for so long.
 
I have to agree with kkxvlv. Some people will not leave a relationship until they have someone else lined up. Your ex - and that is who she is even if neither of you acknowledge it - is looking for her next partner. There is not much to discuss or wonder about - except maybe why both of you were willing to accept this for so long.



Lots of people do this as a form of "serial monogamy". I had one or two relationships where we "broke up" but would still see each other for sex until one of us found something or someone that captured their interest to a greater degree. And mine had nothing to do with issues over nonmonogamy.
 
I don't doubt that she loves you. I don't doubt that you love her. But you two each want something fundamentally different. She wants to be your one and only. Nothing wrong with wanting to have that type of relationship. However, that is not the type of relationship that you want. So the basis of the relationship between you is that you are both doing all of this manipulative shit in order to get the other to fit into the mold you have each designed for the other.

And your are both doing this in the name of love. Sheesh! Show each other some true love by respecting each other's personal choices. Yes, it may mean you can't be together as lovers, but it might keep you from destroying one another.

I shudder to think of a baby being brought into this unstable situation.
 
Lots of people do this as a form of "serial monogamy". I had one or two relationships where we "broke up" but would still see each other for sex


Haha... I should be so lucky. Instead she's been spending time with me, and acting loving right up until things turn sexual.
 
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