Redpepper's journey

Enjoyed the lovin' today for my birthday. :D I'm a happy and tired lady. I relaxed for the first time in weeks today, as a result. Back to the grind tomorrow. But I arranged to take three days off at the end of next week and into the following week so as to recoup.
 
I did it! I sang and it went well and I can breathe easy for a sec until I start to panic about how much time left until the show on Saturday for burlesque! Off to practice my tassel twirling. I made some holiday ones with bells on the end. Gotta be a kink for that! :p

Leo was in the paper this week for the opening of his new store. So proud of him. I see him much more often on the fly as his store is near my job.

Derby has been busy and occupied with her life, but we talk daily and last night got some smooching in, with the help of a lime and prompting by an audience at a party we went to.

PN is in thick with his university course, but we spend time together daily chatting and taking a moment to connect.

Mono and I are spending our time in each other's company, but doing our own thing more: me burlesque, him, well, who knows what he does? lol. Something online and to do with his computer.

LB got his report card and aced everything. He is one happy boy, so loved and supported. Our efforts are paying off in terms of the time we have taken to ensure he gets the attention he needs.

Poly family rocks! :)
 
I did it! I sang and it went well and I can breath easy for a sec until I start to panic about how much time left until the show on Saturday for burlesque! Off to practice my tassel twirling. I made some holiday ones with bells on the end. Gotta be a kink for that! :p

You sang incredibly, beautiful, and based on my sneak peek of your show it's going to be a great night of tassel-spinning burlesque!
 
I'm having balancing act issues lately. I managed to sort some of them out as I got to spend a little time with PN last night (*wink, wink), but I haven't had a proper date with Derby in awhile and the dates I have with Mono are kinda, well, fun, but rushed and consumed with other things sometimes. PN has been busy with his course, its a busy time of year and no one is benefiting from my having two shows within the space of a week. I'm totally consumed.

I have seen Leo at his store, but our once a month dates are turning into every six weeks. I also am concerned that now he owns a store that he won't be available for our camping trips and that his wife is bored of them anyway and would prefer not to go. LB asked the other day if it is possible to go to a local ski mountain with them this winter, but it isn't. We used to do so much together as a family and now we are slowly not. It makes me sad.

I have also been missing my old intimate friend lately. I drove by his place a few days ago and a week or so before that... not on purpose, but as its on a regular route for me. I think of him at least once a week still. I always have. I feel used by him now and really hurt. I know I need to let it go. He was not invested in me and has sex for sex sake whereas I do not... but I am attached now and that is always going to be.

I also heard from another ex a couple of weeks ago. I talked about him a lot when I first came here as he has a different view of communication than I do and his idea of strength has nothing to do with emotion whereas mine is almost entirely based on that. He saw me on line on FB and said hi. After a conversation of about an hour he came out as female now. He's going through hormone therapy and is getting involved with local groups. I was excited for her, because I know a few of the people she is now meeting. This time I will keep my mouth shut about the communication differences we had as last time I discovered a friend of mine was chatting to her I mentioned this difference between us and it blew up in my face. Lesson learned.. let people find their own path with people I have experienced. ;) It was great to be in touch again and I am honoured that they would share something so meaningful. It has made it so I can let go of the residual feelings I had of hurt from that situation.
 
What a crazy weekend. :) I'm home free until vaca time. All stressful performances are out of the way. I did it! :) Feeling proud and relieved. I was so thankful to be on stage last night looking out over my dear loves and a great group of friends. We all went out for poutine afterwards and chatted and laughed into the night. I woke up today still tired and achy and feeling the come down of all the work I have done.

Next up is crazy celebrations and events. Friday started it up with a surprise birthday party for me put on by my friend who bought me all the fixin's for eggnog martinis. 1oz vodka, 1oz amaretto, 2oz eggnog. So good and goes down way too easy. We ended up putting all her clothes on and doing a little catwalk dance.

I tugged along this woman that I only met once at a friend's party whose husband takes no interest in her anymore. I gave her a lesson on walking with confidence and we all dolled her up and put some body enhancing clothing on her. She looked fantastic! She walked out with confidence and sure enough, he didn't look once! Later I told Mono that her husband hates her and is only with her because he is afraid of losing everything. Very sad. It made me very sad, the whole thing. I came out to her and told her about how she could be loved and cherished, and so could he, and that it's all possible. But really, was it? All I saw was doom and for no good reason other than they are both very damaged by now.

Tonight I went out with PN to his childhood best friend's birthday party. I swear PN married the female version of his friend when he married me. We are so alike. PN wanted to leave about a half hour after we got there, but I kept at it. We never hang out with this guy anymore and he was so thrilled that we were there. As we left, he complained to PN that he never returns his calls and that it was me who got him there. He told me to keep kicking his butt. He never did understand how introverted PN is and how uninterested in social events such as that he is.

Today we had a family meeting, had coffee in the living room and discussed the week's plans. I am at work and the men and boy are off on holidays. We got the Google calendar out, and our to-do lists, and set a plan whereby everyone had their part. I was grateful because I was feeling the pressure to do a lot of tasks, planning, cooking, baking, and present wrapping for the season.

Mono has just put a new floor in in our kitchen. It's beautiful. He has been such a great help and we all love him. :) PN is as grateful as I am, even though it was like pulling teeth to get him to commit to spending some money. I got us a huge deal and Mono did the work. It was well worth it.

This week will be hard. It's all work-related and confidential for now. I look forward to next Friday already. I will need the break by then.
 
Onwards to the holidays. Week from hell just ended and all I want is family, friends and lots of laughs. I hope I can pull that off with my sister in law coming and a whole lot of expectations placed on me. I wish my men understood the latter part of that more. Alas they don't. They think I should shrug it off, walk away and do what I want. Sometimes I feel entirely misunderstood and alone. Sometimes so under appreciated. Sometimes I just want to be alone, pack my bag and leave them all.... work included. This caregiver has officially reached compassion fatigue. :( The only thing left to do is help myself... right after this stupid Christmas thing. I'm hoping it won't use me up completely. BAH, I've been here before, I don't let that happen.
 
Oh Red... I feel for you. That seems to be a common train of thought among men: they usually just pick up and do whatever it is no matter what people will think or say.

That is something I have finally tapped into after years and years of holding my tongue and holding back so I don't hurt anybody. I got to a breaking point though. You will too.

*hugs*
 
Arrowbound- I am going by what my co-worker is doing. She is faced with the same issue and she decided to just ignore all the stuff that hasn't been done and do what she needed to do. I admire her ability to ride above it. I see it like shovelling snow. If I don't get on it it overwhelms and I am unable to push the shovel any more. But who says I can't just walk on top of it... it eventually packs down. Trying to be lighter and walk on top of the snow today. So far so good.

Here is PN's new article on his website. So proud of him. Maybe someone here will find it interesting? Total spam here, but whatever, I'm posting anyway :D;)

loss and transformation
 
This is a bit of a vent as I have a need to get it out.

Christmas Day was a challenge for me as I organized a brunch and no one showed up (besides my immediate family) because they were all Skyping my Welsh relatives at my parents' house a few houses down. They didn't think to call me over or call and tell me that they wouldn't be showing up. I was hurt and angry for most of the day. This kind of lack of consideration is common in my family and I have had many issues created over my lifetime because of it. I dealt with those Christmas Day. It affirmed to me that the value I place on consideration, empathy, compassion (in all forms) is a big one for me, as is my need to feel as if I "belong." Lots of thoughts around all that in the last few days.

I had many emails, texts and further communications, though, from people who do consider me and love me. I was overwhelmed with love from people and finally got to have a long chat with my aunt on Boxing Day.

I had a really great conversation yesterday with my Christian father about Pagan and Christian tradition. We have been having an ongoing conversation for years now and this was the first one where he stopped and really listened to what I was saying (another family issue; not being listened to). I was thrilled that we could communicate about all of it without his face being blank and my becoming frustrated and walking away because of what I consider his lack of interest in my life. It was a deep topic and a difficult one for him and he stayed present and we both contributed. Like adults. ;)

Ah, family.

Onwards into the New Year!

I spent lots of time with my men and my ex-wife this Christmas. It was thoroughly enjoyable and filled with much laughter, love and fun. LB had a great time too. Lots of loving family around him. I felt truly blessed. :)
 
PN just sent me this link that is not poly-related but Redpepper-related. :D

Happy New Year to those that follow along with that kinda thing.

Off to Derby's tonight for some Jell-O shot fun and frivolity. As if I need more gluttony. I am so ready to stop eating and drinking so much. Next week its back on the wagon and eating well. I am looking forward to that. I think it might take some time to curb my well-established addiction to shortbread though. Baby steps. I saved some for those downfall moments so I can ease off gradually.

This month is full of busy times, as usual. I feel rested and ready to make a move. I had a great visit this season with my ex-wife and we had some good moments while helping her figure out what is going on in her life. She wasn't very open to talking about her concerns, though, and it made me feel a bit sad that she held back. Still, she knows that I am here to talk to and to be close to and if she wants to open up more, then she can. If not, then that is fine, too. I will always be here.

I think I need to bite the bullet and go and visit this spring. The nearest city to her is Vegas. It would be an adventure for me and I think she might need me to go. She hasn't said it straight out, but I got a few hints that this is the last year of schooling for her and that she doesn't know where she will be after that.

I am missing my loves right now. I have been in the same house as them, well, half of them, but with Christmas guests and family around I haven't had any moments of closeness with anyone, not even myself. I need some me time, some PN time, some Mono time, some Derby time and some Leo time. LB time has been plentiful, thankfully. :)

Off to get the house clean, the groceries done and the partying started for the last night. After that, lock and load on two shows, two workshops, dealing with work issues, and planning a women's retreat, not to mention getting out in the garden to prepare for spring planting (daf's are up, if you can believe it, on Jan 1st?!) and getting rid of bags of fall leaves.

Lots of dates to plan too. :)
 
What I learned on the forum today:

"Secrets and uncertainty are often like invisible chains wrapped around us."

And the expression: "It's like a turd in a punch bowl, it poisons everything."

I love this place some days. :D

Had an awesome New Years with two of my partners and a whole lotta poly and non-poly friends. This year I intend to end reaching out to people and reach in. I am hoping that by doing so people will come to me and ask me to do fun stuff. I am one tired organizer. :) I will at least slow down on that anyway. There are a lot of changes coming up for most people close to me and I have a need to be present and available to them this year.
 
I had a wonderful afternoon with Derby yesterday, lunch in a neighboring town, and then wandered through thrift stores for a while. I talked her ear off. It was nice to hang out, just the two of us. We don't get to do that often. We held each other's arms and it felt nice to be close.

Leo's wife had a date with someone I met on FB. For some reason it's consuming my mind. I have no interest in the guy, but we have been chatting for awhile and trying to get together to meet over coffee. I met him in November and both our schedules have been super busy so we haven't found an opportunity to meet until now. We'll meet next week.

Its kind of anticlimactic, at this point, somehow, and I don't get why I feel that way. I think it has something to do with that she met him in mid-December. He went over to their house to hang out, met Leo and they mused over his van. Then Leo's wife and he went out and they got sexual almost immediately. I have known Leo for three years, dating him once a month, have been through the ringer over sex and intimacy with him and Mono and now my interactions with Leo are few and far between because of the business he bought. Here am I hanging on by a thread after having done a shit load of patient work and putting in tons of time to get to a place where we could be as close as I have wanted to be. Then this guy comes along, says he only has sex for connection's sake and fucks my bf's wife on their first date, putting him, in my eyes, in a place that I haven't even reached yet.

I'm jealous/envious. Not only did he hang out with Leo, when I haven't in over six weeks, but he went to a place that I haven't been with Leo in three years, with his wife, in a matter of hours.

It's bugging me that I care so much about it that I only got 4 hours sleep just before my first day back to work. Now I'm a wreck and feel a fool.

There is also a matter of the story not lining up, as this guy hasn't told me he has even met them face to face, just met her on OKC, while the story I get from Leo is that they met and had sex already. Leo likes to show off about his wife having sex with others for some reason, so he was quick to say so. I suspect this guy thought I was meeting him for a date actually and didn't tell me what he got into as a result. It makes me feel icky on another level.

Ah well, off to drag my sorry ass to work and beat myself up about it all day. :p
 
Date with Leo this week. :) That usually puts me in a tail spin. I guess I will see what comes up. I am in kind of a "fuck it" mood these days. I don't feel like processing or "considering" anyone but myself. That is dangerous place to be when there is a very constricted relationship to consider. I kind of just want to end it at this point. I know, I do this every week before our date and then see him and am all gooshy again. Okay, I will shut up and do the whole process over again. :eek:

We had our women's group meeting today and, as usual, I was blown away and filled with love and gratitude for the ladies. That group fills such a huge need for me. :) I am so honoured to host it.

I'm looking forward to the women's retreat that I am hosting at the end of February. It turns out that about 14 women are going and still more have said they would like to. There is no agenda except to walk on beaches, drink and eat a lot, talk and laugh and get to know some new women. Just what I need.

I decided to take a couple of months off of doing burlesque. Next show is the end of March. I have been going hard for a year now and need a break. Besides, I am getting Lasik eye surgery soon and am not convinced that I will have eyes that work. :rolleyes: :p

Yesterday Mono took me on a really lovely date to a Japanese restaurant for sushi. (I saw Imaginary's ex there.) After that, we went to a movie and then home early for some lovin'. It was a great night of closeness and remembering where we came from and how we got here. He gave me a sentimental card that I cherish. I looked at him all night with such happiness at our being together.

This week was the poly dinner I host. It was a quiet group of introverts that showed up, so I did a lot of talking :eek: at least at my end of the table. It was great to start the new year with friends. I haven't been feeling very sociable, but the whole experience reminded me that I love being in the presence of great poly people.

PN and I have been talking about how our relationship is doing fine, but not in terms of the monogamy we used to have. He is totally off on his own course and loving it. I am off on mine. I love him and we get along well, but I don't fill his needs for closeness, sex and companionship. I know that and I feel bad about that. I apologized to him, but I don't really know what to do with it. I wish he'd go out and find himself another partner at this point. We have always done better when he is looking for or engaged in a relationship with someone else. Even if some of them have been hard to deal with, it is better for us. He has lost his mojo, somehow. In my present mood I am having a hard time kicking him in the butt, as I usually do. We are good together, in the "kicking each other's butt" way.

I'm looking forward to reading Derby's tarot soon and having a date night movie night at my house. I have read Mono, PN, my ex wife's cards and would like to do hers next. I got a new deck this Christmas and it got me right back into it again. I should do mine too, at some point.

Derby is super cute in her new glasses and hair growing in. ;) Just sayin.' She also cooks good dumplings and is a bit of a one herself. Heh. :D *poke* *tease*
 
Leo broke up with me because I had a coffee date with a man that his wife has just started seeing. I had been chatting with him online and trying to get together with him since November. She is apparently head over heels for this guy and was very hurt that I would have coffee with him.

Leo is pleased as punch that she is with him because it takes the burden of spending time with her away from him. I have made her hurt and angry and jeopardized that. My bad apparently, so I am made to pay.

Unfortunately, this guy thought we were on a "date," not just hanging out for coffee, and wants to pursue something more, or at least leave that door open. I have coffee with new-to-poly and new-to-me poly people upwards of 6 times a month. Apparently, this was different, in Leo's mind. He seems to think I had an agenda and has now dumped me.
 
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