Re-start after potential metamour talks smack...

Glitter-yes, there were some expectations for me to do what I consider "other people's emotional work" for her. I don't intend to change.

I think it is reasonable for me to meet with her, clear up the conflict and let her know what she can expect from me (not "what will I do for her"-but what she can expect I normally behave like).

Thank you for the reminder not to let myself be challenged to do other people's self-care.
 
Sigh.
I feel like a moron.
Maca told me she felt like she couldnt talk to me because in Jan I told her to stop emailing me (after she tried to tell me she knew the 'real' him and I didnt).

So, I broke my agreement to self, and wrote her a very short note telling her she could contact me, that my feelings had been hurt and that i had expectations for how to be treated which needed relayed to her.

She didnt take it well. They had drama, which rolled into drama here and pressure for me to fix it. I flipped out and walked out.

Should have stuck by my boundary of not going to her. She's not taking any responsibility for their relationship or her and mine. Im tired of being asked to 'step up' so she can flake out.

Im so angry i just dont have words.
 
She must have some fabulous redeeming qualities if your husband keeps wanting to preserve a connection with her despite all the grief and drama she packs. I'm half serious and half sarcastic when i say that.
 
I'm totally serious when I say I have been thinking the same shit. I am sure she does have some redeeming qualities. But her immaturity and inability to deal with her own responsibilities in building new relationships is infuriating to me.

The 'I want our families to be friends and hang out' repetition gets VERY OLD when combined with her avoiding me and avoiding dealing with the one thing standing in the way of that supposed desire SHE has. If she wants that, she has a really funny way of showing it.
And
Of course its all my fault because I am too intimidating. Why? Because I'm not groveling on my knees begging to fuck her?!?!? That just might be because I dont want to fuck her and her physical beauty doesn't trigger in me a desire to get to know her.
I guess when you are used to people throwing themselves at your feet, begging for your attention, it might be intimidating to reach out and get to know someone who isn't desperate for your attention.
 
I don't know what to say.

It's like she wants you guys to be tighter than it is. All you owe your meta is basic polite. You cannot force fit it into friends or best friends or lover if those types of sparks are just not there for you.

Baffling. :confused:

You sound like this on friendship -- If she wants to put forth effort, yay. If not, yay.

If she comes to family shindig things it's on MACA isn't it? To tend to her needs as her SO?

Even if you were being the hostess for the whole party, you can't have her as a clingon -- your obligations are to see to ALL the guests comfort/needs. (within reason) Not just one guest.

Weird.

GG
 
Thanks GG.
I'm calming down, working through my feelings and thoughts after a nap.

I'll post what I come up with later on (along with what I came up with regarding my expectations for treatment from metamours)
 
Processing Frustration, anger, hurt over this mess

I worked to process my feelings today-I'm not done. But, here are some of the thoughts.

In my world, if a person wants a “restart” on our relationship after they have harmed me (regardless of circumstance), the following steps are necessary:

request a restart
acknowledge the harm you did to me
make amends for the harm (depending on circumstance they may be simple or complicated)
respect the current limitation of my trust
take concrete actions to show me the situation has changed, in order to built trust
not play avoidy games
not play 3rd party communication-communicate clearly and directly to me
accept that restart comes with limited privileges due to breach of trust
Finally, accept and understand that at no point, ever, does your closeness with someone else in my life automatically extend to you the privileges I extend to people I am personally close to. You can not ever get those privileges without doing the work to get to know me personally and build a trusting relationship with me personally.
 
Expectations of Metamours-unfinished

I expect metamours to

respect our boundaries
communicate directly to me on issues regarding me
treat my children with kindness and respect
never talk bad about myself, GG or Maca in front of our children
respect my personal space
treat me kindly
not talk negatively about me behind my back
consider the consequences of their actions upon me
consider the consequences of their actions on M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their words upon me
consider the consequences of their words upon M & I's relationship
consider the consequences of their actions on GG
consider the consequences of their actions on our children
consider the consequences of their words on GG
consider the consequences of their words on our children
NOT discipline my children
NOT undermine my, GG or Maca's authority with our children
NOT attempt to get in the middle of any of my other relationships
NOT attempt to undermine any of my other relationships
NOT treat me or my relationships with disdain
Be understanding of the limitations on our time for social activities


*every one of these is also an expectation I have for my friends and for Maca and GG's friends.
 
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Well-they are continuing to bicker back and forth via text.

He and I have agreed that its wasting my time, energy and emotional resources for him to keep me updated about it. If/when she is ready to meet (the three of us) to go over the boundaries and apologize, he will let me know.

In the meantime, I'm not interested in the ongoing ranting and "muppet" behavior.

I did tell him, that between me and him, he can make plans as he see's fit-but I'm not ok with spending time with her OR having the kids spend time with her until the above listed steps are taken. I explained that its my job to protect my boundaries-and this is my CLEAR COMMUNICATION.

Her turn.
 
Thanks. :eek:
I'm really trying to take Galagirls example and put it to good use. :)
I've written out a lot of my own thoughts/needs and limits in my diary and shared much of it with him. He's getting a heavy dose of "wow, that's who my wife is" I think. But, its been good.

Now, it's just a matter of upholding those limits. It does help (a lot) when he's backing me up. I hope he sticks to that. It's hard when he's upset with me over my limits and the two of them gang up on me. Especially when I'm trying to hard to be clear with myself about where *I* end and where *HE* begins, and keep my boundaries and limits about me.
 
Good for you!

That's disgusting if they gang up on you, seriously. Not nice at all. Your limits are your limits, nothing more, nothing less.

I'd being telling him to suck it up buttercup (aka deal with it, lol) :p
 
I very much felt I was being ganged up on before. He appears to have surpassed the nre stage and is being much more his normal
Self. So hopefully it wont happen again. It didnt go well the first time, i flew off the handle.
 
I figured I should update. I realized I posted in my blog thread-but not here. However, there are limits on what we're supposed to write in other people's blogs. I want everyone's authentic two cents. So I figured it was best to copy-paste it here in case anyone felt they wanted to say something but thought it might not be appropriate over there.
 
9/27

With no agreement to meet or talk with me continuing to be the circumstance,

Quote:
I think there is something wrong with me. I read your post today and my heart started pounding in my ears so loud, I thought it was going to explode. It's not like I don't know that you have sex with him, but it just fucks me up to read or hear about it. I feel like a hypocrit. And I hate it. I don't want to make a big deal out of this, I don't even think I want to talk about it. I just wanted you to know, incase I act...out of sorts. It's not you, and I'm just trying to work through it.
That was the text I got tonight as a result of writing about GG in my poly blog today.

This, only a couple hours after telling me he would like to go to the now 25 yo's derby event next month.

Chick who has a conflict with me that started with her telling me he has no issues with poly any more and I am the one who needs to let go of all of the unnecessary boundary restrictions because he doesn't need them, and I'm just being vindictively possessive so he can't be with her. Uh huh.

Right. Same chick who thinks that she knows him so much better than I do and that I just don't understand how much he has changed that he totally understands and accepts my relationship with GG and that he just wants and needs me to give him the opportunity to build the same type of relationship. (as if i am stopping him).
Same chick who refuses to sit down with me face to face and resolve the conflict between us which escalated with her tash talking of me, and instead has convinced him to sweep it all under the carpet and they can go on with their little social life together and pretend nothing happened and that I dont exist.

To say my blood is boiling would be putting it mildly. I'm seething. Grow the fuck up! Oh my lord. Venomous fury.

What the fuck is so hard to understand about taking time to develop at least a friendly, respectful metamour relationship? What the fuck is so hard to understand About clear and direct communication with metamours is NECESSARY to ensure a safe trip thru their fucking airspace?

She is a self righteous, self centered bitch.
He is a fucking moron.
I am fucking caught in a game of Muppet bullshit and I cant get calm enough to find the fucking appropriate exit.
God DAMN IT.

I texted back that he should forward the message to her. Let her rationalize out what the fuck I am supposed to do with it.
__________________
 
9/28 Clarification of my frustrations with Maca and her

I'm furious with both of them. Mostly (at this point) for dragging this shit out over SO MANY FUCKING MONTHS. Not once (and I've been asking since the first week of January) has she agreed to sit down with both of us to discuss OUR boundaries. HE continues to talk to her.
In my personal world-that is BULLSHIT on both of their parts.
I didn't have time to write out my WHOLE thought process last night-but believe me, I am definitely addressing my anger towards him-to him. I can't address my anger to her (except here) because she fucking won't allow me to have her email, phone number or mailing address. So, I have no way of contacting her directly. (which is ANOTHER of my bitches regarding her).

BUT-yes, in the heat of the moment-it all just mixes into one ball of fury and like gala girl said-I needed to go take some time for me, because I just couldn't even deal with any of it-much less piece it all out one at a time.

As for Muppets-I like them too. But, I also get her point, which is that they function like spoiled children much of the time, and while it's hilarious on tv-it's NOT hilarious when people behave that way in relationships. It's a royal pain in the ass.
As I tell my kids, just because a (pick a child 3-5 year younger than them) does that and its cute-does NOT mean its cute when someone your age does it-because by the time you reach your age, you should know better.
This remains an ongoing issue-as she continues to contact him and he contacts her and there remains no agreement on her part to meet with me.
They are texting back and forth-he's an emotional basketcase over the conversations with her to the point that he isn't spending any time with the family.
So, the continued contact, without forward progress is taking a huge toll on everyone else in the household.
 
9/28 update upon what she wants and where things are

They've been talking all day-we've been talking all day (all via text).

I don't even know where it stands at this point.

She told him she thought everything was fine, based upon something he told her I said-which never should have been said to her, because it was personal between us.

Now he tells her, well no not really, you still need to resolve things with LR and of course that sets her off.
Ironically-the whole thing is stupid-because
SHE is the one who wanted the WHOLE FAMILIES to be friends-but
SHE is the one who is avoiding even TALKING TO ME (or anyone but Maca).
How the fuck is THAT supposed to work?
Obviously, it hasn't worked for 9 months because IT ISN'T GOING TO FUCKING WORK. (rolling my eyes).

I KNOW a large part of the issue is his less than stellar communication skills.
But DAMN-how long can you drag it out before you say "look fuck this, I need to talk to your wife cause this shit isn't making sense?"
I mean really-ESPECIALLY when said wife is CONTINUOUSLY requesting to talk to YOU?

Ongoing "avoidy" and ongoing failure to address any tier of the poly-math but their own.
 
9/30-a weekend of drama, he "just wants someone"

It's been a frightfullly long and frustrating weekend. I don't know what he understands or what he doesn't. I'm flat exhausted from trying. I feel much the same as I did after my surgeries, except instead of it being purely physical exhuastion from my body needing to heal, it's emotional and psychological exhaustion.

I did try to institute the no talking about me rule. It hasn't gone well. I don't know.

He told me today that the reason he wants someone "so bad" is because "I don't want to be alone". I stopped talking because there is nothing good I can say in reply to that.
If I were a "potential" and I found that out-he'd be off of my list of possible dates immediately. I'd be so damn offended his head would spin with my exit. I feel much the same even though it's not me he's chasing.
I can't find appropriate words to explain my reaction of complete and utter disgust-so I haven't tried to say a word about it.

It's disturbing to think about because it takes me all the way back 15 years, to when our relationship started, wondering if that's the reason he hooked up with me? Sure, NOW I've "earned my keep" so to speak and we have all sorts of combined responsibilities. But, was the key first reason just so he wouldn't be alone?
I'm not sure I want to follow that train of thought, because frankly, it makes my stomach churn considering the possibility of being used just to fill the empty space in someone's life. Fucking disgusts me.

I continue to find the whole ideology of JUST wanting someone *anyone* vs finding *that special* someone that fits-disturbing.
 
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