willowstar
New member
Hello all
I am new to this board, but not new to poly. I would love to get some perspective on pushing a partner beyond a comfort zone, and about getting my needs met. I have two separate situations going on, but I realized that the common theme is me asking for what I need, and feeling like I have the right to ask for it and to get it.
I have been married for 17 years to a wonderful man and we have three kids. I was poly before we met, he knew that, but he was mono but open to learning about poly. For the most part, however, we have lived a mostly mono life because we found it challenging to pursue poly while having young children. We both have a fairly low tolerance for drama, so adding anyone into the mix would have been too much for our family. We have attended poly events for many years, and I have been online on poly sites for all our married life, but we just never put a whole lot of energy into finding partners. I have had a few one night stand type situations, but nothing like a real, longer term relationship.
About 3 months ago, I reconnected with an old boyfriend, and someone I consider a best friend. He and I have always had a deeply loving and trusting relationship. When we saw each other at a reunion party just after the holidays, we both found that our attraction for each other had returned and was through the roof crazy. So, we were immediately thrown into NRE, and said all the things we had never said to each other, etc. I should mention that he is not poly, and has never considered himself so, and is married with children as well. His wife does know that we have a relationship, but on a very limited level. She is probably more tolerant than accepting, but has not denied him spending time with me, as long as it doesnt interfere with their family needs. He, however, is very open to poly and wants to explore this relationship with me.
My DH is working very hard to be okay with me having this other relationship. He knows and has met this man over the years, knows he is trustworthy and safe. But he struggles with his feelings of insecurity over my being with another man. We have been talking almost daily, connecting a lot more than we have in years, and working on helping him to feel secure enough to let me do this. Currently, I am not sexual with my boyfriend, as neither spouses are ready for that. But we are affectionate, kissing, cuddling, touch, etc.
After three months of this over-the-top NRE where we cannot act on our sexual attraction for each other, I am finding myself in a place where I feel the need to push for more. More from my DH, to allow more contact, more time, etc. And more from BF, to get us more time together from his wife, and not just fit me in where it happens to be convenient and he isnt rocking the boat at home. Ultimately, I want the whole shebang, date nights, sex, everything. But I dont expect I will get that at this point. We also live about 75 miles apart, and we dont have permission to be at each others homes, so out contact is limited to public places right now.
So, is three months long enough? For me to tell both of these guys to just man up and make this happen? I feel very selfish even asking for that. I feel I have been very loving and supportive, have spent countless hours helping everyone else feel good, making sure that other people feel good and safe. But bottom line is, seeing my BF for a couple of hours once or twice a week is just not cutting it for me. I am a wreck in between, I miss him a lot. I know this is all NRE stuff, and it has just been so long since I've been "in" NRE at all, that I dont trust that what I feel is really in everyones best interests. I want to renegotiate the agreements, but BF is afraid if he pushes his wife too far she will just pull the plug on the relationship altogether. I feel like he can always ask, but make sure she knows its not an ultimatum, that we are just exploring the options available to us.
Thanks for any feedback!
Willow
I am new to this board, but not new to poly. I would love to get some perspective on pushing a partner beyond a comfort zone, and about getting my needs met. I have two separate situations going on, but I realized that the common theme is me asking for what I need, and feeling like I have the right to ask for it and to get it.
I have been married for 17 years to a wonderful man and we have three kids. I was poly before we met, he knew that, but he was mono but open to learning about poly. For the most part, however, we have lived a mostly mono life because we found it challenging to pursue poly while having young children. We both have a fairly low tolerance for drama, so adding anyone into the mix would have been too much for our family. We have attended poly events for many years, and I have been online on poly sites for all our married life, but we just never put a whole lot of energy into finding partners. I have had a few one night stand type situations, but nothing like a real, longer term relationship.
About 3 months ago, I reconnected with an old boyfriend, and someone I consider a best friend. He and I have always had a deeply loving and trusting relationship. When we saw each other at a reunion party just after the holidays, we both found that our attraction for each other had returned and was through the roof crazy. So, we were immediately thrown into NRE, and said all the things we had never said to each other, etc. I should mention that he is not poly, and has never considered himself so, and is married with children as well. His wife does know that we have a relationship, but on a very limited level. She is probably more tolerant than accepting, but has not denied him spending time with me, as long as it doesnt interfere with their family needs. He, however, is very open to poly and wants to explore this relationship with me.
My DH is working very hard to be okay with me having this other relationship. He knows and has met this man over the years, knows he is trustworthy and safe. But he struggles with his feelings of insecurity over my being with another man. We have been talking almost daily, connecting a lot more than we have in years, and working on helping him to feel secure enough to let me do this. Currently, I am not sexual with my boyfriend, as neither spouses are ready for that. But we are affectionate, kissing, cuddling, touch, etc.
After three months of this over-the-top NRE where we cannot act on our sexual attraction for each other, I am finding myself in a place where I feel the need to push for more. More from my DH, to allow more contact, more time, etc. And more from BF, to get us more time together from his wife, and not just fit me in where it happens to be convenient and he isnt rocking the boat at home. Ultimately, I want the whole shebang, date nights, sex, everything. But I dont expect I will get that at this point. We also live about 75 miles apart, and we dont have permission to be at each others homes, so out contact is limited to public places right now.
So, is three months long enough? For me to tell both of these guys to just man up and make this happen? I feel very selfish even asking for that. I feel I have been very loving and supportive, have spent countless hours helping everyone else feel good, making sure that other people feel good and safe. But bottom line is, seeing my BF for a couple of hours once or twice a week is just not cutting it for me. I am a wreck in between, I miss him a lot. I know this is all NRE stuff, and it has just been so long since I've been "in" NRE at all, that I dont trust that what I feel is really in everyones best interests. I want to renegotiate the agreements, but BF is afraid if he pushes his wife too far she will just pull the plug on the relationship altogether. I feel like he can always ask, but make sure she knows its not an ultimatum, that we are just exploring the options available to us.
Thanks for any feedback!
Willow