Beginning my Poly life

lola

New member
Hi all. I've only realized that I am Poly in the last couple of years. Now, I'm beginning a possible poly journey. Married to my Mono husband who is allowing me this venture. He has his bad days, which seem to spark severe guilt in me.

I actually was searching here looking for discussions about guilt. It seems easy to say "don't live it" but not so easy to figure out how to not take it upon one's self.

I realized that part of why I feel such guilt is because I don't understand myself and what it means to be Poly. I am not choosing this, even tho' I am choosing to live it now...I am poly. I am made this way. But, being raised in our mono world, I do find that I get trapped by my own self criticism.

I'm hoping by having other poly folks to talk to that I will start to get more comfortable in this skin and realize that I needn't feel guilty for what I am.

Lola
 
Welcome to the boards.

I'm at a loss as to how to help right now. It's been so long since I dealt with that sort of guilt that I suspect it'll take a while to recall how I worked through it--what worked for me and what didn't. Somebody else is likely to have more recent experience to share, though.

I'll suggest starting a discussion on the New to Poly board about this.
 
I understand what you are saying-still going through the same things here.
I'm finding that just getting to know people here on the board helps A LOT. Read read read! ;)
 
Welcome!

Guilt... Is like jealousy. Neither one is real, they are both symptoms of an underlying issue asking for resolution. It's strange how hard that is to grasp at first, and how AMAZINGLY easy it is to practive once you decide to be honest with yourself. When you feel guilty, ask yourself WHY, and LISTEN to your own answer. It probably won't be something you want to hear, or that will be easy to hear. If it was, you wouldn't have left it unaddressed in the first place!!! ;-)
 
Welcome!

Guilt... Is like jealousy. Neither one is real,

I totally get the intention of your reply HMA and I mean no disrespect, but I have no idea how you dismiss the existance of two human emotions so easily. If they weren't real we wouldn't be talking about them or pay people to help us deal with them in some cases. That's like saying Love and hate aren't real? I'm honestly puzzled.

Great advice about getting to the issues though.
 
Jealousy, I have learned, is spawned from that fear of losing something, of not getting what you need or want...very basic description...but what is Guilt born of? More fear, obviously, but of what? Is it also linked to loss? Fear that you will lose the object of your guilt?

Much worth pondering, thank you all, but there are so many possibilities. I've seen plenty on jealousy, but not so much on guilt.
 
First: Welcome!

Interesting discussion already Iola. :)
Jealousy & Guilt...ah yes.
Not that I'm any kind of expert...well maybe in the jealousy department, haha.

I am the husband of a poly girl who has very recently started a relationship with a really great man. She feels lots of guilt. I think guilt stems from perceived disappointment you feel others will have towards your actions. Or at least that's been our experience.

When the three of us (our V) are alone, we're perfectly content, but when we start thinking of our families, our "moral upbringings", etc we start having doubts and feeling guilt about "what are getting ourselves into", "what will people think", etc.

I'm sure my wife (Gem) would have better feedback to give, hopefully she can put in her 2 cents.

Again, welcome to the boards and good luck on your own adventures!
 
" I think guilt stems from perceived disappointment you feel others will have towards your actions. Or at least that's been our experience."

Excellent statement, imho. Thank you, and I hope Gem pipes in. : )
 
Ask and ye shall receive... :D

From my perspective, what I’ve come to understand of guilt (which is plenty) is this: guilt stems from feeling as though we are doing something (or someone) wrong. My question is this: why do we feel that what we are doing is wrong? Is it because (1) someone else has told us it is wrong, (2) society as a whole makes us feel it is wrong, or (3) deep down, we personally believe that it is wrong?

Who determines what is right and/or wrong for us as individuals (and why do we give others that power)? I try to discern between these three causes and react as follows:

1. If someone else has told me I am doing something wrong, I determine if they are directly involved (or if my actions affect them directly). If not, their opinion really doesn’t matter. I’ll listen, I’ll consider all data presented…but I won’t feel guilt because I’m “not living MY life by someone else’s rules.” If they ARE directly involved, then we (together) need to figure out where the problems lie and try to address them. This is where open communication is essential. Did the person actually TELL me that I’m doing something wrong, or am I picking up on signals the other person is giving off indicating their unhappiness, resulting in me feeling guilty? Basically, at this point, it’s time to sit down and talk about whatever is bothering both of you, holding NOTHING back, and striving for resolution.

2. If it’s society as a whole that is the cause of the guilt, I try to toss that guilt right out the window. There is no one-size-fits-all in this world. And what works for some may not work for others. We all have to make our own way in life. Life is short. I don’t want to have any regrets or wonder “what if”…all because I wasn’t true to myself. Again, I’m not going to live MY life by someone else’s rules.

3. If I personally believe I am feeling guilt because I feel like I’m doing something wrong, then I clearly need to do some soul-searching to figure out what the problem is, talk it out with the person involved/affected, make amends if necessary, and adjust my actions accordingly.

Oh yes, I’ve struggled with guilt. :) The good news is that it CAN be overcome!

Oh, and jealousy, from my perspective, stems from one of two things: (1) needs not being met, or (2) fear of losing something. Again, both can be addressed and overcome. It will just take lots of time (proven experience) and LOTS of reassurance.
 
Thank you, Gem. Very thoughtful reply and very helpful. Causing another pain is so hard to deal with sometimes, even if unintentional. Mono spouses don't always understand everything, no matter how supportive they try to be.

The best thing I think I can do is to learn to be comfortable with what I am and then perhaps some of that guilt will fade away. Having kind people like all of you who have replied to help me is certainly reassuring that I'm not alone on this journey.

Thank you.
 
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