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Old 11-15-2013, 04:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 7,076

Originally Posted by HapaxLegomena View Post
I'm not sure if I belong here.
You do. Welcome, Hapax. It took me a while to see if you were a formerly gay IDed man, or a formerly straight IDed, now acting bisexual woman. But it must be the latter!

But I've had to start asking myself, is it "normal" (apologies, I know that's not really the right word) to be completely in love with more than one person at a time?
It's normal, it's common, to feel love for another person other than your spouse/SO. Or to just feel attracted, aroused, a crush, an infatuation. A few people are so mono they never stray in any way. Most others do have a bit of a roving eye, whether to a mild or strong degree. Some admit it, some repress it. Some act on it, some don't. Some work out the jealousy aspect with their SO, come to terms with the topic and live happily. Some argue, can't or won't get over feeling jealous and threatened, and live with a huge angry elephant in the room, or... split up.

Am I assuming that I prefer monogamy because it's what society expects and I've never tried anything else? Is it simply that I selfishly want to stay with K but have the chance to be with V as well? V, I should add, has denounced relationships altogether and seems to prefer keeping things casual with her partners.
It is society's norm right now, and has been since Yahweh decreed a woman should have lust only for her man. (Genesis in the Bible).

In other words, men who wrote the Bible wanted to ensure the kids they were raising were their own genetic material.

So maybe I'm only wondering about this because she (inadvertently) put the idea in my head? Is it just that because V was the first woman I fell for, and my feelings for her were never resolved, I'm not able to let go of them? Or if I did manage to get over her, would I just end up falling for someone else eventually and find myself in the same conundrum?
Depends how easily you fall in love. For me, it was quite often, until recently, when I finally feel like I have the two partners who meet so many of my needs. I still ogle cute boys and girls, but I've stopped dating. It's an informal decision, but I am just not motivated.

Is it true that humans aren't "meant" to be monogamous? Or is this something that lots of monogamous people go through, and I should just suck it up and learn how to make a real commitment?
Never suck anything up! It's a short time we have on this planet. Why not be true to oneself? Why live a lie? But, since you're already in a relationship, you must learn to negotiate opening up with K, or be ready to split up and live your authentic life.

But if it turns out I am polyamorous by nature - if that's a thing - isn't that something I should share with my partner?

And can people be poly but still be happy in a mono relationship? None of my previous relationships lasted this long, and most were quite dysfunctional, so it's not like I can look to them for clues either.
Just like you could be bi, but be content being mono with one gender or another, so you could be poly by nature but content being in a closed relationship with one person. It could depend on life circumstances, and be open to renegotiation. But it shouldnt be hidden you ARE poly by nature. I tried that. I tried to deny it to my ex but he always could tell. I felt bad, sinful, evil, to be so "faithless." Now, I know it's just my nature! Not immoral, and completely ethical if done properly.

I am confused, as you can see. And I know nobody can really answer these questions for me. But I am desperate to figure this out, and I thought maybe someone could give me some insight into the whole concept of being polyamorous, or whether any of this jumble of thoughts and feelings sounds familiar. Thank you to anyone who actually takes the time to read this all the way through, you rock.
Carry on talking and reading around the boards. There are lots of poly resources online and a few good books. You might especually enjoy Sex at Dawn, an anthropological study going back to prehistory, of human mating practices.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63)
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my partner since January 2009, living together full time 6 years
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's bf since April 2013
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