Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Well, the chaos is over and life is trying to get back into the groove around here. I cannot say enough positive things about how wonderful it was to have a lover and helpmate with me while DarkKnight was gone. PunkRock really showed me a huge positive with this type of poly. He promised, followed through and kept things ticking.

The funeral was very stressful for everyone, but it went as well as one does, I suppose. My youngest daughter - who is almost 17 - had diarrhea that night while we all went to the local donut shop. Poor PunkRock - he waited in my minivan with her while I and my other two children went in to get donuts, and went we came back, the smell hit us. My daughter was horribly embarrassed, but we got her home and in the shower. She wasn't sick - I am sure it was just the stress of the last couple of weeks. Anyway, I came back outside to check where she had been sitting, and it looked as if she had SPRAYED a garden hose from her butt all over the back seat! It was horrendous. I have no idea how she got it so high! PunkRock was a trooper there too - I did the scrubbing, but he passed me wet wipes and cleaning spray. No complaints.

Gawd, I love this man!

DarkKnight is home and it feels so wonderful to have him back beside me.

Last night the three of us played trivia and today we all went to the local Amish market for lunch and some grocery shopping. I felt so much love from my guys - being all together with them, with them flirting with me, and smiling, rubbing my back - it's just wonderful!

What else? On Monday night my oldest daughter (23), PunkRock and I went to play trivia and C3 came and met us there. I hadn't seen him in a while at the game store, so I invited him out. I didn't notice, but my daughter said he was hella nervous - she said his hands were shaking a lot. He seemed perfectly fine to me. *shrugs* He looked cute, as always. He was actually pretty good at trivia! We invited him to play again with us at a later date.

He gave me a big hug before and after. I didn't feel any crazy sexual attraction like I did before. I wasn't generating any energy in that regard, actually. I still find him a very attractive man, but his continued rejection of me being married and now me being involved with PunkRock, well, it has dampened down that get up and go feeling.

He messaged me a bunch afterward, thanking me for inviting him, saying he'd love to play again, and saying that PunkRock and I were adorable together. It was a little bit much, actually.

I don't know. I didn't feel horny for him at all - like zip - but I have zero doubt that if he expressed interest that I would respond. I would definitely be interested. However, I have no real desire in having a third right now. I don't know if I will in the future. I do know that I would think about it though, if it were expressed.

He didn't though, so right now, we are friends and I am happy with that!
 
DarkKnight, PunkRock and I played trivia tonight and came in 2nd place. Whoo hoo! I was all over the both of them - sharing kisses, and touches, and smiles - even though I had just had incredible sex a few hours earlier with PunkRock - oh, they get me going with just their grins!

Tonight I had a real dilemma over who to invite into my bedroom. PunkRock had last night, but DarkKnight has to get up early for work tomorrow, and I am running short on sleep. I was REALLY torn, because it didn't seem fair to pick PunkRock, but yet I was super-dreading being woken at the asscrack of dawn by an alarm clock. I am not usually able to fall back asleep, no matter how tired!

So I picked PunkRock. DarkKnight was really cool with it - he said he knew it had everything to do with morning. :) He actually got teary after we talked a little bit - he told me he was truly glad to witness my happiness, day by day. Awwww.
 
Things have become more off-kilter for me this week. I got my period yesterday and when I told PunkRock, he gave me a big hug and said "So THAT'S why you've been so clingy lately!" I didn't say anything back, but I was confused, because if anything, I've been less emotionally needy, in my opinion. DarkKnight is home now, I have worked out a pretty good time schedule for both my guys, I feel good to be on track with writing curriculum for my Fall class and I am keeping my daughter moving along with her summer homeschool assignments. Honestly, I found his comment strange, but I chalked it up to weirdness and moved along with my day.

Then last night, he told me he felt like he wasn't getting enough alone time and it was frustrating him. I tried to keep calm because this triggered a great deal of anxiety with me. I asked him to explain but he couldn't. I asked him to think back to Tuesday (which would have been the previous day, then) and asked him to articulate when he thought I was taking up his time, because I couldn't.

He had slept in quite late, at which point I woke him up with a snuggle and a goodbye. I spent the entire day out and about with my daughter, returning around 5 pm. He then expressed interest in my trip to the art store, so he went with me for a 10 minute trip to pick up some canvases, and then back home. Everyone ate dinner together, and then we snuggled on the couch and watched the first new episode of Orange is the New Black, followed by an hour of sexual play. I then went to my room to spend the night with DarkKnight. PunkRock then stayed up til 4 am, reading and painting.

I was like, honestly, 2 hours of your time is too much? He was quiet and then said what he meant to say was that he doesn't feel like he is managing his other time well - that his time without me isn't fun free time.

So he spent his afternoon filling out applications and looking for a job, so he was disappointed not to have that time as fun time? So my 2 hours in the evening interfered with that down time, and so he was unable to paint until later than he'd like.

And that makes me clingy?

Exasperating.

I was really anxious about this, and told him I had no desire to micromanage his time during the day. I'm handling my responsibilities, and he has his. Hell, DarkKnight has his during the day - he worked, saw me briefly at dinner and then he snuggled me and we fell asleep. His fun alone time was the 2 hours I was with PunkRock!

Sigh. I told him I didn't think 2 hours was excessive. Today will be close to the same thing - only we were together this morning, sleeping in til 11, we had some sexy time, then I showered and left with my daughter for the day. He won't get one-on-one time later today though, because Thursdays we play trivia with DarkKnight in the evening, and then I am sleeping over with DarkKnight. So he has the afternoon and nighttime to handle his business and fun activities on his own.

I just don't know. Unless maybe he was having an emotional reaction to his brother coming over yesterday? We had invited him to dinner and we had donuts and a game of Zombicide afterward. So THAT certainly cut into his fun alone time, but uh, that was HIS brother. If anything, having LordTenderHeart over directly cut into DarkKnight's individual time with me. Meaning, DarkKnight traded out snuggle time with me for playing Zombicide with PunkRock's brother!

I am not really anxious about this anymore. I am more aggravated/irritated than anything this afternoon, thinking about it.

Tomorrow PunkRock will be going to visit his brother and to pick up a check he needs from the game store. He will be gone all morning and early afternoon. I don't care - again, I have stuff with my daughter and curriculum to write, and an orthodontic appointment. In the evening, my son is turning 25, so we are ordering pizza and having brownie sundaes. Which actually, again, DarkKnight will be trading his alone time with me for a family activity. I will have a sleepover with PunkRock though. I don't see where PunkRock will squeeze in painting time. However, I can't help that. I feel sort of put-upon thinking this out. If anything, I am sad for DarkKnight!

Maybe Saturday DarkKnight and I will have a one-on-one date during the day. Sunday I have a tea party with my mom friends in a nearby town, so I won't have time then.

Yeah, I am not sure where to go with this.
 
He felt safe enough to express a thought he had about what he needs, which is good - but that doesn't mean it's up to you to fix it. Don't dwell on it anymore. If he poses to you that there is a problem, try not to see it as an accusation that you are doing something wrong. Could be that he might not know what to do and is simply looking for suggestions. You are so hard on yourself!
 
Absolutely, I want him to feel safe about expressing things. I think I need to articulate that to him.

We talked more last night. You are correct that I need to not see his feelings as an accusation. I definitely took his statements as complaints about me, and it was not the case at all.

I believe he was still coming down from the hectic couple of weeks we had surrounding DarkKnight's dad's passing. He really was 110% invested in making sure everything was handled back home, to the detriment of his own priorities. He told me I could count on him to be there again in that way, if ever needed. But it is clear to me now that he needs some time to ramp down from that - he needs a transition. PunkRock still has piles and piles of boxes in the basement, his bedroom, the game room AND one side of the garage is completely full of his stuff. His room is functional and mostly sorted, but he is lacking a long, low bookcase under a bank of windows to unpack the last of his stuff there. Anyway, he is far behind on his self-generated schedule of how moved-in and unpacked he'd like to be by now. I think it's a bit overwhelming to him. So, after a couple of weeks of devoting himself to keeping me and the household ticking over, he had been hoping to get back on track with his unpacking, organizing, etc.

There just aren't enough hours in the day though. He's been catching up on sleep, and spending hours applying for jobs. Then, we have two family get-togethers this week, which further limit his focus time. Two nights of group trivia. When I think on this, this morning, yeah, I totally get his unhappiness. It isn't with me. He just needs more time!

Last night I was still feeling out of sorts and wasn't sure how to relate with him. I was definitely hard on myself! I imagined this distance between us, which wasn't there at all on his end. I really fuck things up sometimes.

DarkKnight said I should volunteer to help PunkRock unpack and organize. It's like, what I do. I think I will. My own days are fairly full right now, but I DO have the time to help him get settled. He's my love. I want him to feel at home and complete.

Edited to add - part of the issue was exacerbated by me combining two separate conversations into one. His statement about me being clingy had ZIP to do with PunkRock's time issue. When I realized that, things fell into place for me. By clingy, he didn't mean emotionally so, but physically. He was saying that I was all over him the night before, which I tend to be hornier and more grabby right before my period. This is not how I interpreted it initially, and the wrong interpretation bugged me, so when he later brought up feeling like he wasn't getting things accomplished, I married the ideas together. And his concern became a judgment of my time management and a desire to spend less time with me.

Yeah, I should not have done that.
 
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Heh. Mwah!
 
Thought I would update on my Invisalign braces and how that whole thing is going. Because, holy crap! When I was brushing my teeth this morning, I noticed I have a GAP between two of my lower teeth. It freaked me out royally!

I had a checkup on last Friday, and everything is progressing as it should. I just put on set 7 of the aligners (they get swapped every 2 weeks). It's interesting - whenever I swap, I take Advil the first night because it aches a lot. Then I have pressure and aches for a couple of days. After that, no worries. The pressure is usually very specific to certain teeth - I can feel which ones are being targeted by each set of aligners!

This most recent swap was also the first time, comparatively, I could see a difference between the first aligner and this one. They all looked the same because the changes are so minuscule. This time, however, I can see movement on both my front teeth and several other teeth. I think that's amazing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, then wow!

Anyway, the gap is kind of freaking me out. My teeth have been so crowded for so long, to suddenly have space is strange. It is going to get much wider too - I have a tooth on the bottom that never grew in as a child - it doesn't exist - so the braces are opening up the space where it should be so I can get an implant.

This whole process has been weird and painful but I am happy to be having it done. Finally! I will have straight teeth this time next year!

Bad news though - other health expenses have depleted our FLEX account, so starting in August we will be covering the monthly payment on these out of pocket and not being reimbursed. That sucks. $276 a month is a lot. Like, a car payment! Still, we made it a priority, so we will just suck it up, I suppose.
 
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I'm glad you're getting to see some of the effects of Invisalign working for you. I did it a few years back while I was in college and it really changed a lot of things about my dental experience. Visibly, my teeth weren't too crooked, but they were crowded enough on the bottom to make every dentist visit I had painful and traumatic because it didn't matter how much I flossed and brushed, it was too difficult to clean those crowded bottom teeth.

Now every single time I go to the dentist it is MUCH more pleasant and I don't dread it anymore. It's made a huge difference in my ability to keep up with my oral hygiene.
 
I am glad to hear Invisalign has worked for you. :) So far, so good for me.

Oh, I am so full of happiness today, and I can't even explain why. I will try.

DarkKnight and I had a lunch date on Saturday, and we stopped by a thrift store where I bought a new dress. I am wearing it today, so that is prolly part of the reason for my good mood. It's the perfect length, so no alterations were needed - I wear all my skirts and dresses above the knee, but not hootchie-high - and it has a cute hippy-paisley-flower pattern with lots of purple. It's got a low cut halter sort of top, which is really the best for for me. My boobs look ginormous and fabulous, which is good because, well, the word is they're glorious, so showing them off is always great then, right? :) Anyway, it only cost $7 and I feel amazing in it, even though it's a simple sort of cotton sundress.

I had lunch with DarkKnight again today, and we stopped by the post office where I grabbed a new portal. See, he tricked me into playing this silly game called Ingress on my phone - a few days ago I downloaded the app and now I think about it more often than I should. Lol Anyway, I love sharing goofy, nerdy activities with him.

Last night PunkRock and I had a sleepover and we had a long talk about our sex compatibility. It was a good conversation, I suppose. That's another entry here, for later! Anyway, any time we talk about our future together it gives me the smiles, because well, we have a future! He is just so wonderful. And cute! Holy crap, his eyes are this light watery blue that I absolutely HAVE to keep focused on me, because well, when he's really looking at me, there's this sparking energy that just sets my nerve endings to all over squee! Sigh.

Yeah, today is a good day. All is right in my world.
 
6 months! So very happy! I think we are going to grill burgers tonight and then play the FireFly board game as a family. PunkRock bought it as a gift for me quite a while ago, but we've not had time to play it because it looks so complicated.

I am so in love!!!

I cut off all my hair and now DarkKnight can't stop saying "Jinkies!" I apparently look like Velma from Scooby Doo when my hair doesn't have any product in it. I will post a picture in my album.
 
My best friend in NY came down to stay with us this weekend, and it was a lot of fun. I've missed her like crazy. She's going through a divorce right now and I think this break helped her. One night she started crying, because my husband brought her a glass of milk. Honestly, she was amazed at how loving and supportive PunkRock and DarkKnight are with me, and she says she is searching for that herself. I got her signed up for OKCupid and she has commenced to cracking out on that. lol

We played trivia last night and won. That was fairly awesome. One of the questions was about cheerleaders, and I asked PunkRock - and yes, he had hooked up with a cheerleader while in college. At first I found this somewhat hilarious, but then I started feeling weird and self-conscious. I am nothing at all like a cheerleader or like many of his past relationships. Why would he want to be with me? I started having negative, judging thoughts about myself. :( He tried telling me I was beautiful and it made me cry. I still have such difficulty with compliments! (This was later, not at trivia!)

He looks at me with such love. I do not doubt his depth of feeling for me. I question though, why? He is monogamous. He does not have to settle for a married, middle-aged, overweight mom with terrible skin. Sigh. He is awesomesauce. It is difficult when I begin thinking about how great PunkRock is and how I am dating "up" and out of my league. He says I am crazy, but he is so amazingly incredible!

So, I try to stop thinking about it. I am very lucky, and I will just enjoy his care and company.
 
Why do I ever worry about my men? Both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce have been absolutely wonderful the last few days. Truly, I am loved. I am so very happy!

I posted a new photo of each of them in my albums. Holy crap, they are just so fucking yummy! I was sitting on the front patio the other night, and I had them trade off next to me so I could get a similar shot of each of them. They were so very smiley!
 
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We had DarkKnight's niece staying with us this weekend. She's 21, but presents as a 5 year old, mentally. At one point, around 8 years ago, she lived with us in Texas for an entire summer. We were actually hoping to get full custody of her at that point. I have a lot of experience with raising special needs children, as all of my kids were adopted older from the US foster care system and have varying issues. Plus, I've worked as a one-on-one aide in the school system to an autistic child. Anyway, we've always felt like DarkKnight's sister was not well equipped to deal with the needs of her daughter. It was sad to send her home at the end of the summer, knowing that the progress she had made would be lost.

A lot of the problem comes down to neglect. DarkKnight's sister is a terrible housekeeper and the smell is horrific. When my niece was dropped off on Friday morning, her clothes made me gag. Everything was immediately put into the washer, and I had her change into her bathing suit, since we were going tubing. I did have her keep on the shorts she was wearing, over her suit, but I gave her one of my Tshirts to use.

When we arrived at tubing, she stripped down to her bathing suit and along with everyone else's clothes, I put them in the van and then walked down to talk to some other people who were going into the water with us. When I returned to the closed vehicle, my daughter told me that it was starting to smell. Just having the shorts in there for less than 5 minutes - it was terrible. I had my niece put them back on, figuring having them sit in the van for 2 hours in the sun while we were on the creek would make it unbearable.

Anyway, I spent a half hour plus some on Friday night shaving her legs. She had a pelt. Her mom won't help her, saying it grosses her out. My niece was so excited to have her legs shaved. "I'm like a girl!" It makes me so sad. No toothbrush, no deodorant sent. The summer she stayed with us, she was able to self-care with supervision. If her mom took ten minutes every day, I am certain my niece would be able to do things on her own again. It's frustrating to me, and sad. I believe my niece will be moving to a facility soon though, so I am hoping she will get that attention.

DarkKnight is taking her home now, and then spending the rest of the day with our daughter, visiting his mom and then going to a family picnic. I'm not going, because I don't want to spend the day feeling like garbage. (His mom still hates me for being poly.) Instead, I'm staying home with PunkRock.

I did a lot of paperwork last night, focusing on my son's finances. I need to visit the social security office on Monday. I have a lot of phone calls to make too. I am really looking forward to not being his representative payee any more. I thought this job was over last year, but hopefully it will be for sure starting in 2015. I need to register him for his college class on Thursday. He says he wants to try and be independent, when we move out of state. That worries me. I think we will have to get him independent sooner, so we can have him in a routine before we leave, and be sure that there is a safety net for him. His last try at living alone resulted with him being homeless for a few months. He's 25 now, but his progress has been uneven. Anyway, I am not confident.

I've done a little more research about moving out of state. I've narrowed it down to three regions - the SouthWest (Arizona or New Mexico), the NorthWest (Oregon or Washington) and the Flyover States (Indiana or Kansas). In the groups, New Mexico came out as a clear winner, and I've been able to discount Kansas. My next step is to really compare Oregon and Washington.

I am still hung up on moving someplace with no snow, but I'm not the only person to get a vote. :) I do like the idea of southern Indiana, because it's more of a central location to have a home base. The plan still remains to rent a smaller, cheaper house (with a pool) and buy an RV or fifth wheel to go traveling in together. I figure a two week trip with DarkKnight, return home for two weeks, and then a two week trip with PunkRock, returning home for two weeks...rinse and repeat. If that is too frequent, we can certainly adjust.

I want a small motorhome with a small car to tow, or a big truck pulling the 5th wheel. I really don't want anything large though. Keeping the fuel costs down is a huge concern. The hope is that the savings in our rent by moving to a smaller house can fund the fuel on the motorhome. Right now, in Maryland, we pay $1625 a month on rent. We should be able to locate a 3/4 bedroom house for $1000, hopefully a little less, when we move. A friend in Indiana rents a whole 3 bedroom house for $650! We plan to look in areas that are in an economic downturn, but are still safe. Since DarkKnight works from home, the local job market isn't a huge concern, as long as there is a place for PunkRock to transfer to, when the time comes.

This is all contingent on my youngest daughter getting her own apartment while in college, coming home on school breaks.

So, planning is ongoing. It might not work out, but I like having a goal in mind.
 
My son took me out to breakfast this morning, and the plan was for the two of us to donate blood together this afternoon. I had forgotten, however, that a recent tattoo disqualifies me. Drat. The Red Cross still gave me cookies though, so whoo hoo!

It's been a little over 8 years since my son and I started donating blood together - I took him right after he turned of age to do so. I've actually made sure to involve all of my kiddos, so they see this as a regular, helping activity that all adults do, though we have talked about how not everyone does. Now that I think about it, my youngest could begin donating now, with my permission. I will talk to her about it tonight.
 
What a great thing to do with your kids! I only recently re-qualified (after removing an ancient deferral for a thing they don't defer for anymore), and here I am pregnant. They got one pint from me in between! Woof donates regularly, and donates platelets even more frequently. I think it's a great way to give. Good on you!!
 
PunkRockAwesomesauce has been kinda clingy lately. It's actually sweet. At least, he's been spending lots of his down time talking with me, snuggling me, asking me if I need anything. Tonight he made dinner, since DarkKnight is working a 3 pm to 11 pm shift at work this week.

Yeah, DarkKnight is training someone who works a later shift, so he had to adjust. He will work tomorrow too, but that's bonus overtime. We need the money, so yay! Anyway, now that I think about it, maybe that's why PunkRock has been so attentive - worried that the schedule change might affect me emotionally. It hasn't so far though - DarkKnight works from home, and we've gotten plenty of together time. Still, it'd be just like PunkRock to make sure I'm boosted.

Tomorrow PunkRock & I are taking my daughter and a friend of hers whitewater tubing. It should be fun.

Last night I felt out of sorts because I had plans that didn't work out with DarkKnight. I was at a self-help book club meeting at Wegmans in Frederick and I thought it'd be nice to bring home some Brie and this black cherry topping they sell, to make a bedroom picnic for DarkKnight and I. Unfortunately, they were sold out and the ingredients to make it myself were WAY too expensive. So I went home feeling melancholy about it. Which was stupid, because it would have been a surprise, and so DarkKnight didn't even know I had planned anything. Anyway, it didn't happen and that was a bummer. I did buy him this packaged assortment of different chai flavors though, and that made him smiley.

We saw Guardians of the Galaxy as a family in the afternoon yesterday too, so that made the day great, otherwise. Plus, we've been playing this fun game - HexHex XL - and I hosted teen game club today, and that one went over really well.

Life is good.
 
OMG HexHex is a ton of fun. I'd look into a game called Love Letter as well. Quick moving and fairly simple, but fun. :)
 
Thanks for the recommendation. :)


Last night I had some unsettling feelings that I need to write about in order to get them sorted out. I mean, I did get them worked through, but it helps for me to have it written down. This is an issue that has been around for me, for a long time.

I feel unhappy whenever one of my partners masturbates. My immediate reaction of hearing that it happened is sadness and disappointment. Because I have such a high sex drive, I see it as a missed opportunity. I think I also feel a bit rejected.

Logically I can extrapolate that it is actually neither of these things - if I wasn't around, then I wasn't rejected! And I can definitely see the appeal of just getting the job done, even if I am around. That's a legitimate thing to want to do.

I guess some of the thoughts I have stem from my own personal distaste for my own solo time - I would rather be with a partner, and having to go it alone makes me feel depressed, even if I have awesome orgasms at the time. I do see it as a sad thing I had to do. It's enjoyable, but even as I am doing it, I feel lonely. So I shift these thoughts over to my partner - poor guy, having to take care of himself all alone!

But it isn't always that! Sometimes guys just want a quick one off, or want to lose themselves in a particular fantasy, whatever. I get that. I do. But my negative feelings surrounding that persist.

I believe some of my negativity is also forward-thinking. If my guy masturbates, then he is less likely to be horny or want to initiate things with me later. What if he rejects my advances later, because he is all worn out from masturbating? These are fears that run through my head when I realize he has masturbated.

I am working on just letting these feelings come and go, and trying not to stress too much over them. It's particularly silly to be having to work on these feelings right now, because neither of my guys have masturbated in the last few days - and I had sex 3 times yesterday. Incredible sex, even! Oh wow, yeah, incredible sex, and all of the sessions were fulfilling and longer lasting. So why is this ridiculousness in my head, bothering me right now?!?

Course, I got my period today. Maybe I am just feeling these thoughts more keenly because of that.

Feh. It's not as if I don't have other things to worry about right now. My Astronomy class starts on Sept 2, but I have a half-hour "pre-class" next Tuesday to prepare for by then. Half of my semester-long curriculum is written, the other half is just outlined. Co-op also starts in two weeks, and I have outlines and ideas, but nothing ready to go. Same with my daughter's 11th grade plan - I have books and ideas but I haven't sat down and really hammered out what this year will look like.

I am also thinking about possibly attending the Loving More poly convention in Philadelphia, next February. Both DarkKnight and PunkRockAwesomesauce have expressed interest, so if we can get it together, we are going to order tickets and reserve our hotel room in November. Financially we are stretched all over the place at the moment - I have to cover the cost of my Invisalign braces out of pocket, and the Astronomy field trips I have planned are not inexpensive. Then there is Christmas to think about in the near future...

My plan of attack for today though is as follows :

Set up a payment plan for my son's college class & then order his textbook from Amazon. (Already registered him and researched the cheapest book.)

Pay the trash bill online.

Shower, shave and make myself look fabulous. Possibly paint my toenails. Probably paint my toenails.

Visit the Locked Door sex shop with PunkRock because we have a numbered ticket in their giveaway promotion this month - we've won something, but we don't know what. (I am hoping it's a gift card so we can buy me a ball gag.)

Lunch date with Punk Rock.

Figure out dinner for tonight and go grocery shopping for that.

Pick up my son from work at 2 pm.

Take my daughter out for a driving lesson. (Will more than likely have her take me to the grocery store & to pick up her brother.)

Sort out my homeschool cabinet and get my 11th grade curriculum need list written, as well as a plan of action for my daughter's schooling this year.

Watch an Astronomy DVD that I got from Netflix last week so I can decide if I'm using it in my class or not.

Fit in a nap, if possible.

Do laundry.

Date night with DarkKnight tonight - maybe take a walk and find some Ingress portals.

Gosh, I am tired writing and reading all of that. Maybe I will nap some now!
 
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The more I read, the more I am made aware of how difficult this is for many people. I have always lived my life avoiding drama. I never let someone else control my emotions, except my wife and girlfriend and even then, only to a certain point right before it became manipulation. I have only had bisexual girlfriends and was engaged to two of the three, marrying the third. My sex drive is much higher than my wife's plus I am into BDSM and she is not. We saw how open relationships destroyed our friend's marriage. Lets face it, we form emotional bonds with our sex partners and we tend to only share the fun times with them. They never nag us to do things and we usually see them on their best behavior. It is easy to fall in love with someone else. Just look at the divorce rate of those who try to be monogamous so imagine how much more dangerous it is in a poly relationship where both partners are not equally in love with the third person.

My wife recognized my need for more and different sex, so she set me up with her dominant best friend and then joined in. We were together for 38 years. We never had sex or dated anyone alone. It was always my wife and I together. We wife swapped in the same room but we mostly just put on a show for each other and could not wait to get home to have sex. Funny how neither of us can remember if we even had orgasms. I know we were bad at it as we hated it and were never invited back for a repeat. No matter, all the couples in our local wife swapping group got involved in all sorts of drama and eventually ran off with one of their lovers so we lost touch with them. It was kind of messed up when your friend marries another friend's wife whose husband married our friends wife and then they all have kids from each marriage.

We never had the internet or cable TV in our day so we had no idea of what others were doing outside of the couples we knew. We blissfully lived in the dark making our monogamous triad work for us without a single problem, insecurity or jealously. I could do anything with either my wife or girlfriend without either getting jealous.

However, when we were not able to be together anymore, I fell into a depression and am just coming off of treatment. When you live 38 years of a 45 year married with a third, living as a couple again was a hard thing to adjust too for both me and my wife.
 
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