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Old 04-18-2011, 06:51 PM
LadyRaven LadyRaven is offline
New Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 3
Default He wants to be poly; I don't

Hello all. I'm new here and hoping for some advice.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly three years, living together for just over two. In the past year, he's rekindled an interest in S&M that he had before we met. He wants to be whipped and spanked. It's not something I've done before, but I'm willing to learn.

The problem is, he doesn't seem to want me to be the one whipping him. A few months ago, he told me he wants to try polyamory. I'd be his Primary, he assures me, but he wants a Secondary girlfriend (one who already knows her way around a flogger), and maybe to play around at S&M parties.

I have no problem with the concept of polyamory in general - many of our friends live that lifestyle and seem perfectly happy - but it's not something I have any interest in bringing into my own relationship. I don't want him canoodling with someone else, I don't want to be sitting home alone while he's out on a date (nor am I really interested in engaging in another relationship of my own), and I simply don't want a time-share boyfriend. I want to be the one sexually satisfying him. I'm willing to engage in the S&M that he wants, but he keeps holding me at arm's length from it.

In addition, he originally told me he wanted to try poly to "experience the different energies" that other people bring. Did he want to have sex with others? He didn't know. Did he want another girlfriend? He didn't know. A few months later, he confessed that he'd had a specific girl in mind for his Secondary all along. For me, it then turned from "I want to experience different people" to "I want to get it on with this girl and still keep my girlfriend". So on top of dealing with his new desires, I have to get past having been misled and essentially lied to.

We love each other and want to spend our lives together, but he really wants this and I really don't. How can we get past this situation? Does a compromise exist?
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