can a poly love a mono?

Kraven

New member
I'm polyamorous. Does that mean I have to date other polyamorous women, or should I broaden my horizon? Can I date a mono and still live my lifestyle. or am I doomed to resort to like-minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so, then what has your experience been like?
 
I'm polyamorous. Does that mean I have to date other polyamorous women, or should I broaden my horizon? Can I date a mono and still live my lifestyle, or am I doomed to resort to like-minded individuals?

Is there anyone out there living this way, loving a mono? If so, then what has your experience been like?

Great question! I love two monos. The thing is that you and they must accept that what is needed for you isn't what is needed for them, and vice versa. But yes, you can love a monogamous person if you are poly, and a mono person can quite certainly love a poly person, as well. It just requires a great deal of respect, understanding and acceptance of one another's differences.
 
Simply put, yes, a poly can love a mono. That doesn't mean that the mono will accept their love living a poly lifestyle, or that they will join a poly family (as I am learning the hard way). But basically, a V relationship is just that, one poly with two monos. Otherwise, it becomes a W or a tangle, or some other form.

If you want to have a truly poly relationship and a truly healthy relationship then you will have to at least have your partners,' whether mono or poly, acceptance of your poly ways.

If you've read any of the forum you may have noticed that Redpepper loves a mono man, MonoV, in fact.
 
Are you serious? Have you read anything on this forum? Of course you can. Not without tons of work, but then, poly is work anyway.
 
Is it just me, or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals, or two different gangsm or something like that? The Polys vs. The Monos.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)
 
Is it just me, or does using words like "a poly" and "a mono" make it sound like two different species of animals, or two different gangs, or something like that? The Polys vs. The Monos.

We're people! Being poly or mono is about how we have relationships!

(taking my tongue out of my cheek now)

In a way it does, Ceolo. But so do primary and secondary, etc. The thing is, words are just pictures that describe what we are talking about. For some people it's more than just how they have a relationship, it's more than even just a lifestyle, it's how they define themselves.

My "second" (another description that makes me ill) doesn't just live a mono relationship. He is in love with one person, not even one person at a time, just flat-out one person. Since he was 17 years old he's been in love with one person. His heart is wired for only one person ever.

Now, for me, that concept isn't just "foreign," it's so completely impossible it's like someone telling me that ET really landed and is waiting on my doorstep to come in! But the fact that I can and do love him, my husband and my ex-girlfriend deeply and permanently isn't just a foreign concept, it's impossible for him.

So, sometimes those words help us understand intrinsic parts of a person that, without being close to them, we otherwise wouldn't comprehend at all. Even with the words, we only grasp them peripherally.
 
(LR, I was being tongue in cheek with what I posted, meaning I wasn't being terribly serious about it. :) ) There are all sorts of conversations that have been had and will be had about the relationships that exist between our identities and our lifestyles and everything in between, I get that. I was just remarking about how funny it sounded in general, that's all.
 
Sorry, Ceoli! I have issues getting nuances in text at times! But I wasn't offended. :)

I've really enjoyed the last week of reading your posts. Feel like I'm really learning a lot!
 
I am totally new to this understanding of my life as it stands. I really didn't have a definition of how my relationship functioned. My wife is poly. She loves many ppl at the same time, some near to us, some very distant. I have always considered myself mono. Once I REALLY accepted my wife for who she is, and has to be, in order to be true to herself, I realised I was only scared and worried about how I would look to outside ppl.

Seeing her grow and thrive, seeing her become a joy to the world, I mean, wow, it blows my mind, forces me to look at love in a whole new light.

So, to give my opinion, I think a poly can love a mono and vice versa, but all involved need to understand and accept the others. If they can do that, REALLY do that, then anything is possible.
 
I hope so.

Sustainability is the bigger question. Can a poly exist healthily in love with a mono, and vice a versa, for a long time? That is the question! And yes, I intend to answer it! But that's the only question I am answering. I am mono, after all. One at a time for this cracker.
 
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In regards to your original question though, Kraven, I think polys would do better to stick with polys, and monos with monos. I think it is rare for the union to work, and it is a mountain of work!! But if you get there-- WOW!
 
I am quite interested in this distinction between mono and poly, since I am quite new to this whole concept of poly (my husband brought it into our marriage), and would consider myself mono, so far.

Some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way. What does this mean or imply?
It is not actually a decision?
It is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning) or educational/societal conditioning?
It is very hard, or almost impossible, to be undone?

Some say it is a decision, the way you want to live your relationship. This means that anyone open-minded and courageous enough can live it. I can see both possibilities. So far, I haven't figured it out, for myself, where being/living one or the other way comes from. All I can say is, my husband does love me, and I am rather mono. Whereas he has recently found out that he has a rather poly way of loving people and building relationship.

I can also say there is a LOT of work for both sides. And it is important that the poly partner does that work, as well, even though it feels that poly is so natural to him/her. The accompanying and giving space to the mono partner's fears and worries is a very important point, imho.

A crucial point in the beginning might be (was for us, at least) that the mono partner's worries might threaten one of the relationships. They might be understood as: "If she/he worries about all this, this might mean that he/she wants me to give up the other relationship." And it is obvious that if you love someone, and you are about to build a relationship, this kind of worry is a sort of threat to the other relationship. In these circumstances it is very hard for the poly partner to REALLY listen the mono partner's worries, etc. At least, for us beginners this was an understanding that helped calm some discussions.
 
Some people on this forum say that we are "wired" in a certain way. What does this mean or imply? It is not actually a decision? It is your nature (some sort of biological conditioning)?

For me, being wired mono or poly is as natural as being gay or straight. It's a black or white thing for me, biological, for sure. But this is me. Others are conditioned. It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me. It's been proven.
 
The question of mono/poly relationships is so broad, really. A poly relationship may be continually open to new relationships, creating a very fluid dynamic. Other poly relationships may be closed, consisting of three or four people who are committed in a poly-fidelitous union.

Some dynamics will be more challenging for mono natures to accept, and for poly natures to be healthy in. The key is to determine if the relationship is worth getting through the initial work in order to achieve positivity in everyone's life and heart.

Drop the labels if you want, and just accept that everyone of us is an individual. Every relationship will be shaped according to many aspects of each individual.
 
Check out Mono's threads and posts from the early days. He wrote a lot and discovered a lot during that time. That might help you in your quest for truth.
 
It most definitely is not a decision for me. I simply love one romantic partner at a time. This is not a guess for me. It's been proven.

What do you mean by proven? Has any research been done on this? Where? Any literature, studies I can read about that?
 
What do you mean by proven?

You missed my point: "for me," not for anyone else. It's been proven through my life experiences and relationships. Although there is a study on mice that River mentioned, which was interesting and pointed to a genetic link to mono and poly natures.

Whether you are wired a certain way, conditioned in a certain way, or whatever, it comes down to you as an individual. People aren't that simple internally.

Why the need for scientific proof of human nature things, anyway? What are you really looking for?
 
moonandstars,

Some people, like me, just know they are poly and have operated that way from early childhood. I always loved more than one person and regularly dated in twos and threes.

Other people, like my boyfriend, are flat-out mono. They never fall for more than one person at a time. In his case, there has only been one person EVER in his life. He's not even one who loves one person at a time, but one person, period. He's been in love with me since he was 17 years old.

Still others are like my dear husband, who were taught that monogamy is the RIGHT way to be during marriage and that any experience with more than one person needed to be had prior to saying "I do." He has poly "tendencies" and can be happy and enjoy sexual experiences in controlled-group situations, he can love more than one person to a degree, but he's conditioned for a monogamous relationship.

My boyfriend is not likely to change. Like Mono on here, he doesn't see the point. He would rather be alone than try to be with someone else.

I am not likely to change either. Despite trying, I simply DO love more than one person at a time, and when I try to block the emotions for one, what I accomplish is simply shutting down all of my emotions across the board.

My husband flip/flops. He MUST have security that he IS loved and that no one is going to leave him. He CAN be happy in a monogamous relationship, but he also can enjoy having more then one relationship. So, it's really a matter of ensuring that he's TREATED right, his needs are met and that he's happy, not what type of relationship it is. Does that make sense?

I think you are asking, "Is it this or that?" The answer is, it is both. Some people are wired one way or another, and some people are trained to be one way or the other.
 
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