How would you feel if your ex told you something disillusioning about your SO?

AlbertaBea

New member
Hey Poly Peeps :)

A good friend and ex, Tim, told me last week during a catching up session that he doesn't want to be poly anymore, and he's happy with his current girlfriend, Erika, and wants to focus exclusively on her. He told me that neither of them are seeing anyone else (except she's in an inactive marriage), and they have a great connection.

Fast forward to last night! I was with with another friend who is close with Erika. My friend was telling me some light hearted gossip about Erika's boyfriend, Ned. Apparently Ned is Erika's primary boyfriend, but Tim doesn't know about him. Erika and Ned spend most of their time together and have a public relationship, but Ned is in an active marriage that he is committed to.

Tim loves the chase and tends to go for women who are already strongly paired with another man, but this time he is under the impression he is the only man and he's stoked. He isn't the quickest to pick up on interpersonal cues and he's not very communicative. How would you feel if your friend/ex told you something this disillusioning about your primary partner? I know they haven't discussed the boundaries of their relationship. I'm thinking about suggesting that he have a discussion with Erika about his new feelings about her and polyamory, but I know it won't go well for him.
 
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Myob....
 

You know, this isn't helpful or even a response to my query so next time you should take your own advice! Thanks.
 
You asked advice on a PUBLIC forum.

If you cannot handle advice which you do not want to hear don't air your dirty laundry.

I could have phrased it as stop being a meddling gossip and mind your own business.
 
Apparently Ned is Erika's primary boyfriend, but Tim doesn't know about him

This is the only part which would get my attention. The other stuff just sounds like drama to me.

If one of my good friends is dating someone who they think is monogamous with them but I know this not to be true - I'm probably going to say something. It would be the same if they were in a business deal which I learned was shifty and would recommend they look more closely.
 
You know, this isn't helpful or even a response to my query so next time you should take your own advice! Thanks.

"Mind your own business" is a perfectly cogent and on topic response to your original post.

The fact that you don't personally take anything from it is your issue.

Thanks.
 
You asked advice on a PUBLIC forum.

If you cannot handle advice which you do not want to hear don't air your dirty laundry.

I could have phrased it as stop being a meddling gossip and mind your own business.

Sorry, in the past I've actually encountered thoughtful and considerate advice in this forum. Hopefully there are other members with more awareness of the intricacies of an incestuous community, who can weigh the benefits and consequences of gossip as a social function.

To clarify, my relationship with Tim has always embraced the role of our community. Erika is someone outside the community that no one knows very well. I want to make sure my friend isn't putting all his eggs in a broken basket, or at least that he is aware of the baskets flaws.
 
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This is the only part which would get my attention. The other stuff just sounds like drama to me.

If one of my good friends is dating someone who they think is monogamous with them but I know this not to be true - I'm probably going to say something. It would be the same if they were in a business deal which I learned was shifty and would recommend they look more closely.

I did make it all sound like he said/she said. My mistake there. But it's more spiritual and caring and full of love <3 I wasn't gushing to my friend that Tim doesn't know about Ned, but now I have this information and it pains me to know.

I might just mention it to my boyfriend, who has a bromance with Tim. He'll probably be more comfortable breaching the subject.
 
Everyone who's telling me to mind my own business, I feel like you've never cared about someone enough to want what's best for them. I think you'd all be in the same quandary I'm in if you were in my shoes, and you'd be offended by short, insulting responses from people who haven't put two thoughts into something you're very sad about.

If it were something lame, like "she said he's fat", sure MYOB. But this is something someone I'm intimately close to is really invested in and making decisions in his life around. No one deserves that and a community about polyamory should have some sympathy for this situation. I'm sure you've all had issues communicating with partners about boundaries and been hurt by details you found out too late.
 
I would rather not get involved with other people's business however if my BFF was involved with a liar she would bloomin well know about it.

Edited to add: If I ever heard that a good friend with held that sort of information from me because 'It wasn't (her) business" She would lose a friend.
 
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I might just mention it to my boyfriend, who has a bromance with Tim. He'll probably be more comfortable breaching the subject.

I dig that you want to make the realization of this possible new info as painless as possible for Tim. However, I'm of the opinion that if you decide to involve yourself in this drama at all, you should own it.

Personally I'd discourage you from putting it off and certainly from furthering the propagation of this apparent rumor mill. If you decide he should know, I say you call him right now and just clear the air. Leave out your assumptions and opinions and just tell him "Hey, I know you are really excited about this new gal but I heard _this_ from _so and so_, is that bullshit? I just didn't want you getting caught in a storm if it *isn't* bullshit".
 
I feel like you've never cared about someone enough to want what's best for them.

You're really not helping yourself here AB.

Just because you don't personally agree with an opinion doesn't make it invalid, nor does it make it inappropriate or incorrect.
 
You're running the risk as being seen as a jealous ex.

Why not confront Erika with the info.. Your friend could be wrong and you could be passing along false info.
 
Why not confront Erika with the info.. Your friend could be wrong and you could be passing along false info.

Now you see that would seem like creating drama to me because were I Erika I would tell you to sod right off, who are you to question me? I don't know you?

Fact is Erika doesn't owe the OP an explanation. Erika does owe her partners one though and it is he who should be confronting her if anyone.
The OPs loyalty is to her friend, if she tells him bluntly and plainly without emotion or embellishment than I don't see why she would be seen as jealous?
 
I would invite the two of them to coffee/dinner etc.
I would throw it on the table that I was hearing rumors that there was some lying going on the in their dynamic-I wasn't comfortable with it because I didn't want to hold either of them responsible for something that wasn't true.
Then I would point blank say "So and so told me that Erika you are seeing Ned and (Ted? I can't keep these names straight sorry) you made it clear to me that you believe the two of you are monogamous.
So I felt it was best for ME if I got you two together to clear it up so that I don't get dragged into the middle position of "keeping secrets" for one person from the other or believing bad things about one of you that are incorrect.

Then shut the fuck up and take a drink of your coffee. Let them go from there.
 
I learned the hard way to butt out. I lost a very good friend. When shit hits the fan, you are the one who's going to take the heat. The term "dont kill the messenger" came from somewhere.
 
I learned the hard way to butt out. I lost a very good friend. When shit hits the fan, you are the one who's going to take the heat. The term "dont kill the messenger" came from somewhere.

Oh yes, I can understand that too, I have had friends who would rather cut you out than believe you, I know exactly who they are, it really depends on the intimacy of their relationship and no one is in a better place to know that than the OP.
 
Before doing anything I would advise you to check your motives.
Not saying your wrong or right, just make sure you really check what your motives are for doing whatever you choose to do.
 
it really depends on the intimacy of their relationship and no one is in a better place to know that than the OP.

This is a valuable addition to the conversation, Natja.

There is also a difference between relaying a concern and trying to convince someone of a point of view. In my world, I would just say it and not interject myself personally. There is a big difference in my reporting the details of what I have been told and making a persuasive argument that "that girl is trash and you need to dump her".

All of this is, of course, assuming I actually know this friend intimately and have some reasonable expectation that they aren't going to freak out and excommunicate me from their life.

Before doing anything I would advise you to check your motives.

Very astute. /not sarcasm
 
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