Redpepper's journey

Wrap it in a cover, call it "The Natural Monogamist" and leave it where Mono can find it.

Shhh! He'll never know!

ETA: No wait! "Motorcycles and Me"

It's actually on my dining room table. I feel like a priest walking around Satan's bible, scratching his chin and thinking "Do I look, or don't I?"

Honestly, there is only one reason reason I would read this book and it is not for the sake of possibly expanding my mind. Therefore, it's better I refrain.
 
I'm feeling kinda sad lately. I think it's due to many things, but included in that is my upcoming date with Leo. Its still a rollercoaster of emotions around choosing to keep control of how much depth I create with him, so as to not be indulgent in my need to show physical attention toward him, around his request to only meet once a month and me wanting more, around his swinging, in terms of his expression of caring and love for others that I am not part of; even if it's sport for him, not love. *breathe* This list of confusion and sadness continues.

He is good. Mono is good. Leo's wife is good, as she doesn't have to deal with his physically loving another. Everyone is good with this situation but me. If I were to approach changing it to be better for me, it would mean discomfort for everyone else. Again with the giving giving giving and not feeling I receive in return, except that it all makes everyone else happy. *Sigh*

Its okay. It's a monthly thing. At least I don't have to deal with this on an ongoing basis, as he only wants to see me once a month.

I got a lovely letter from Derby this week, which made me smile. I don't think I have ever received a hand-written, "You're awesome" letter before.

(Plenty of hate mail, even one that resulted in the person taking me to court.)

I soaked in what she wrote. There were bits and pieces in there about not enough time, etc. But I don't let any of that take hold. I am not missing out. I think she is, more than me. Perhaps another partner who is more available? There was other stuff too, but the big thing was the words of affirmation that I need so much. I thrive on that and don't often get it. I feel loved that way. It's definitely my love language.

Words of affirmation... Hmm... I hadn't really realized how important it is to me to be acknowledged for what I do and who I am. It's really big for me. How does one ask for that? Why do I feel that others have a scarcity view on this with me? Why do I not receive words of affirmation and gratitude and appreciation for who I am more often? What can I do create abundance in this area of my life? I will think on that some.

I know it causes distress for me when I am ignored and am not included. Is that related somehow? I have developed some great skills in dealing with that, in terms of pulling back and going in a different direction, compared to the past, where I would whine and complain about it. I wonder if words of affirmation are part of that?

Just questioning my "self."
 
I have an observation RP.....
Do you think that the loves in your life that you have a more "intense" level of love for are the ones that give you the "words of affirmation"?
 
RP, sit them down and talk to them. Tell them that this is what makes YOU feel good. I bet you'd be surprised at how quickly you'll start hearing the words of appreciation :). I know I've seen some on here from both Derby and Mono.
 
Words of affirmation... Hmmmm... I hadn't really realized how important it is to me to be acknowedge for what I do and for who I am.

You're not alone in this. It is a HUGE need for me. I can honestly say that 90% of the damage from my previous relationship comes from a combination of lack of acknowledgement and, how do I put it? the opposite of being acknowledged? Being told that everything I did was bad/harmful/self centered. Is there even a word for that? Whatever, off topic.

My point is, some people need this a LOT more than others do. It took me forever to realize that it was something I needed. I think (at least for me, not saying this neccessarily applies to you) that it has to do with a damaged sense/ability to perceive self worth. In other words, for me, It's one part knowing that the person appreciated me doing X, and one part knowing that I don't suck because I am doing X. :)

Figure out why you need it, and expressing that need should become easier.
 
I asked my client today what she did to help out around the program I work in. Her goal is to offer to help out with things like putting the dishes in the dish washer, carrying the bag we take on outings, pushing the shopping cart, that sort of thing. This is what I was expecting her to say she had done. With a big grin on her face, she said that she had given various people hugs. :)

This is why people with cognitive disabilities have so much to teach us "normal" people. *tear* I gave her a hug and thanked her for being awesome. If people with cognitive and developmental disabilities can take on the job of caring for others including their caregivers, imagine what other lessons we can learn from them! To me, that is more advanced than most people I know.

In regards to words of affirmation, I think I just need to be appreciated. Not in a big way, just daily, with words of thanks, love and acknowledgement of what I do for others. I am pretty good with the self-love, self-worth and self-esteem stuff. Just a quiet "thank you" would suffice. :) I do get that, just not from those that take the most. Ain't that just how it is? ;)

I had a date with Leo last night. It has left me feeling loved and appreciated and cherished. I'm grateful for that being created in me because of him. :) This is what makes it worth fighting for.
 
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RP, I just want to thank you for all you do for your clients. My aunt was able to be independent and live on her own for many years because there were people like you willing to provide help and support when and where it was truly needed. Thank you!
 
Had a date with Leo last night. It has left me feeling loved and appreciated and cherished.... I'm grateful for that being created in me because of him :) This is what makes it worth fighting for.

I'm glad it was a good date and that he makes you happy. :)
 
We spent hours working on our workshop last night. Lots came out of it that really was productive, even if we are doing a workshop. It seems to have gone from "mono/poly relationships" to "everyone is the same," and that we should drop the labels and view each other as having a whole set of boundaries that either work for us, or don't. That was the result of the night.

Off I go. Wish us luck. :) Maybe I will post what we talked about later.
 
Sounds great - are you giving it tonight? Break a leg!
Thanks! :)

Mono and I have been busy. We decided to create a Google site with calendars on it so that everyone everywhere can see what events are happening in our area. Here is the link to the site. I posted the link in the events section, if anyone wants to see. Here is the link to the thread. Potentially anyone anywhere can add their own calendar from anywhere in the world if they want to. It could get quite large. FUN!
 
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San Fran Bay Area, North West Washington, Vancouver, Victoria, Nanaimo and growing!! Great idea Lilo!!
 
I have so much to catch up on, I can't even begin. So I will leave it for a bit.

Here is the list, in case I forget later:

burlesque
my co-worker reading Sex at Dawn
plans for the rest of the summer
thanking the goddess I listened to my gut and didn't do some stuff this summer
the house, the garden, the joy of just being at home :)
the dawn of organization
events abound
compassion fatigue
sex in the woods and other fuckery
realizing I am full, content, don't need anyone else, and have enough
 
I think my list says it all, really, so I will leave it there.

Last night I was leaving with Mono to go and see an outside movie at a local park. He was standing with me at the door as PN was getting LB ready for bed and I was lost in my own world. I said "Bye" loudly down the hall to PN and LB and in my stupor, I kissed Mono and said "good-bye!" Then I turned to go and said, "Wait a minute! Wrong partner!" :eek:

Yeah, I need a break. That was part of the "compassion fatigue" on the list there. The rest is really just about my whole life these days, between modding on here, writing on here, my job I, hosting and being a part of my community and balancing the plates of my lovelife. I'm happy but fatigued right now.
 
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