Unicorns & Unicorn Hunters - Merged Threads, General Discussion

"Unicorn" is a metaphor for an unrealistic idealization.

Simply the desire to form a FFM triad does not a unicorn-hunter make.
 
Unicorn, aka Hot Bi Babe or HBB, is a single bisexual (and hot!) woman who is looking to form a polyfi triad with an existing male-female couple, most often a married one. Unicorns are easygoing partners because they don't have any needs of their own in what comes to a relationship. They are totally happy to hang on to whatever nuggets of love and affection the original couple fish out their way. They are not usually very old and hence might have economic issues, and they are only too happy to move in with the couple in very early stages of the relationship. And of course they are willing to help around the house and with kids and whatnots, after all, they are getting free room and board.

Should somebody ask, unicorn is the live-in nanny/struggling student renting a room. They are never introduced to the family, invited along on social outings or holidays. The original couple maintains primacy and social approval, whereas the unicorn has to face constant pity from people who don't know she isn't single and comtempt from people who equate her with a homewrecker. Unicorns don't have kids because that would seriously mess up the dynamics. They can help bring up the original couple's kids, of course with no legal rights to them whatsoever. Unicorns are also easily disposable should they become cumbersome or needy. If something goes wrong in the relationship, it is the unicorn who isn't emotionally mature enough/doesn't respect the original couple/doesn't know how to share/is needy/is clingy/is unavailable/isn't committed enough etc.

Unicorn care is easy as long as you remember a few easy rules;
1) Original couple goes first. Always.
2) Unicorns are not really people, they are emotional and sexual resources to the original couple. Sex is only allowed in threesomes, and no individual relationships between the unicorn and either member of the couple should ever develop as not to threaten the cohesion of the original couple (see point 1).
3) If something's not working, play the 'How can you not be grateful for all we have done for you?' card with your unicorn, and if that isn't enough to scare her off, call her a homewrecker.

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The above is a completely satirical account of what gives the term 'unicorn' or 'unicorn-hunting' such a bad aftertaste to some people in the poly community, and is in no way meant to reflect on what people seeking committed triads are actually like.
 
The above is a completely satirical account of what gives the term 'unicorn' or 'unicorn-hunting' such a bad aftertaste to some people in the poly community, and is in no way meant to reflect on what people seeking committed triads are actually like.

hahaha... that needs to be stickied somewhere. Quite funny BU hahaha
 
That's awesome BU, I akin unicorn to a dog most of the time. They are expected to sit at the feet of their owners and wait for scraps, get pets on the head, are left at home when the family goes out and if they are too much trouble they are taken to the pound. They aren't so much unicorns after they have been found... they turn into puppies.

:p;) again, sarcasm. :D
 
Lonely Unicorn

I recently discovered that being a single, bi, poly woman... and a young pretty one at that, can be an utter curse. You would think that the lineups of couples desperate to spice up their love life with a token bi girl.. that it would be at least pleasant. I find it utterly lonely, and a true testament to people's complete selfishness.

I am not a toy, or a hooker. I am not a sex therapist, or the solution to a failing marriage. I am a young woman, who wants a loving woman, and a loving man, in my life. I want to be treasured like the remarkable person I am.

Everybody wants a threesome but nobody wants to hear about how my day went, or what I want to do with my vacation.

Am I doing something wrong?
 
Maybe you should look for two separate individuals, rather than an already established couple. If you want a man and a woman in your life, find one first, build that relationship a little, and then be open to finding the other.

It seems that most couples out there looking for a bi women as a third, tend to be in open relationships or more invested in sport sex than poly. Of course, here on this forum you will find more actual poly peeps, but from what I've been coming across elsewhere, it's hard to find an already established relationship that isn't just looking for sex with a third, rather than a relationship. I was just reading (on a Meetup.com message board) some detestable guideline a couple has of only giving their unicorn (oh, how I have come to hate that term - it is so objectifying!) no more than 10% of the man's attention, while 90% should be for the wife. They said to "never go past 80/20" or to let the second woman "linger too long" because "you will wind up with a relationship" -- heaven forbid! For some reason, this is apparently the standard in those circles, mean to keep attachment at bay.

Try getting to know poly people -- do you have any groups that meet near you? Just relax the search a little and get to know folks who are more open to actually developing multiple relationships, and see what happens.
 
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My heart so goes out to you. *hugs* :'(

I had a similar experience when I was a unicorn. And it's heartbreaking to see yourself give love and get used in return.

Don't give up though. I really do believe that there is a couple out there for you. *hugs*

Tag my page anytime. :)
 
Sorry to hear you are experiencing that! I have like today realized that a lot of people seeking their mythical unicorn are motivated by the sex and not the relationship possibilities, and I'm like 'woot? threesomes are SOO over-rated!'. Besides, arranging a threesome isn't even that hard if you know the right people. Having a relationship is sometimes hard, but worth so much more than the occasional kicks you get out of group sex with random people.

The advice you have already received is really good. Don't build huge expectations about meeting the 'perfect couple' - date individuals instead for a while, and look for couples that already have some experience in poly (the local community is a good place to start). If you meet potentials, bring it up from the get go that you want to date and get to know them both individually before the sex, and make a commitment to yourself NOT to agree to anything you are not comfortable with. Triads can also happen when three single people get together, so don't limit your line of vision to established couples only.

Although group dates are fun, I prefer to get to know people and to have sex one-on-one. I don't know if you could benefit from seeking out more 'family-minded' polyfolks. They tend to have a bigger emphasis on seeking a 'good fit' to their family, and don't want to bring random people in to their children's life, but really prefer to get to know the person first.
 
Don't lose hope just yet; I can see where you are coming from and how you must feel. My wife and I are very new to this ourselves (like...been talking on it for months but have yet to put it into practice, still looking for OUR unicorn.) However, we both agreed early on that our intent isn't just to treat someone else as an object, or a third wheel. There ARE people out there that want you to share in all the same things they already have between the two of them; to simply find others to share in the happiness of life without treating you any different than they treat each other already. So...in short, keep your hopes up and keep looking, whether for couples or singles as suggested above; you'll find those that want you for you soon. Good luck.
 
thanks

Thank you for the encouragement! I am feeling rather discouraged, but I am hoping things turn around.

Where do you meet people? I am really quite shy about being poly, but I can't have a relationship with someone who does not feel the same way.. so the breaking the news thing is hard.

I have to say I stumbled upon the polyamory community by accident, out of being totally burned. It's only after a triad gone bad, after I was fought over and then discarded, that I realized there had to be another way!
 
You can look on dating sites like OKcupid to find like minded people to date, or who are meeting up in your area. If there is nothing near then start looking around for like minded people to create a meet and greet with. You could go to the closest meet up and see who is there that might of travelled to get there also. Or to put the word out that you want to create some community for yourself and others. Once you have some people together, go do something. Coffee shop that is fairly private, pub, whatever suits you or is acceptable in your area to do... peoples comfort is important, so make sure that is considered. Then just be and see who you meet and watch things blossom.... hopefully ;)
 
You could post a personal ad here to let the (potentially) more enlightened Unicorn Hunters know about you...
 
We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.
 
jealousy issues

I'm just courious to know how the females felt the first time they knew their guy was with another woman. My guy and I recently talked about bringing in another woman into the relationship for several reasons, one, he was a high sexual drive, and two, I can have a good friend to talk to and enjoy her company. We figured he could start by seeing another female once a week so that I could get used to it, however, I felt jealous after he was at her house for 5 hours and I thought he would be at her place for maybe 3 since it was my first time sharing him with someone else. I'm dealing with jealousy issues but am still open in trying to continue with him seeing this other woman as well as trying to understand how to get over my jealousy issue.

We are new to this and were not brought up with the idea of having a polyamory relationship.

Thank you.
 
In my very limited adventures, I've noticed a lot of people on OKCupid looking for what you're looking for. Try looking in your area and doing a search for "polyfidelity" or "polyamory" and see who's looking.
 
We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.
What you seek is near to impossible to find, yet it seems to land on peoples doorstep sometimes when they least expect it. Usually without looking.

It's almost impossible to find someone that will love both of you equally and whom you will love equally. Sex, sure, no problem, even at the beginning during NRE the going is good until the person, that is the cause of your relationship structure to become a triad, realizes they prefer one over the other, usually the male. Or they feel like a third wheel or are really a secondary in the whole arrangement.

There is a ton of potential for failure in unicorn hunting... why? because usually the original couple has not grasped the fact that they need to stop acting as a unit in the search and start being independent.

It's kind of a dichotomy. The couple seems to find they are interested in building their relationship and so want to add a woman. The idea is to fulfil what they are missing in some way and that she will do this FOR them. The woman of course is to be fulfilled also as that is only fair, but when the chips are down, she will usually be secondary and therefore not achieve the same rights as the couple to love, caring, closeness, consideration etc.

So, its important for the couple to be independent in the relationship that develops, yet how can they do that if they don't act independently in their search and in their lives ahead of time...how can they come together when it actually happens. It is likely not going to be as is thought when there is a whole lot of independent minded people all in it together, rather than a whole bunch of co-dependent people... if that makes sense... co-dependent triads are a very rare find.

My suggestion for this? Be independent and find your own paths in life and love while walking side by side... if you should be lucky enough to have a unicorn fall on your lap then you will be glad you did... if not, work on a vee relationship dynamic and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion vee! ;)


I also suggest doing a tag search for "unicorns" and/or "secondary" "seocndaries" so as to see what others have written before you. There is a really good thread called "a secondarie's bill of rights" that might help...
 
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I'm just courious to know how the females felt the first time they knew their guy was with another woman. My guy and I recently talked about bringing in another woman into the relationship for several reasons, one, he was a high sexual drive, and two, I can have a good friend to talk to and enjoy her company. We figured he could start by seeing another female once a week so that I could get used to it, however, I felt jealous after he was at her house for 5 hours and I thought he would be at her place for maybe 3 since it was my first time sharing him with someone else. I'm dealing with jealousy issues but am still open in trying to continue with him seeing this other woman as well as trying to understand how to get over my jealousy issue.

We are new to this and were not brought up with the idea of having a polyamory relationship.

Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason? Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.
 
Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason?

I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed.

Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.

Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.
 
Perhaps what you've experienced is envy more than jealousy. It sounds like you were envious of the time she got to spend with him, which you felt unfair for some reason?
I don't know, Cindie. It was her first try at sharing her bf and 5 hours can seem really long if you were expecting a 3 hour date at most. This is a boundary that can be discussed.
Also, what you're describing doesn't actually sound like polyamory to me. You sound like you're both just looking for someone to have sex with your boyfriend once a week, rather than attempting to develop multiple loving relationships.
Well, she did say she wants to become friends with the new woman. The guy wants sex, sure, but maybe he is not averse to feeling feelings as well! Emotions, not just orgasms, I mean.

You're right. I agree that the 3 hours vs. 5 hours issue is something they need to discuss and agree to boundaries on. Well, if it hadn't happened the way it did, eezeegoing and her bf wouldn't know what they need to discuss next. I think my response sounded harsh, which I didn't intend. I was just caught by how it sounded to me like, "we decided to bring in another woman once a week to service my boyfriend, and I'll get a friend, too." But there really wasn't enough info about the situation to draw any kind of conclusion. I think I've been influenced by seeing a lot of posts here lately from people who say they want poly but seem to be really focused more on recreational sex than developing relationships. Perhaps it's not how eezeegoing views how they are approaching poly; however, it certainly is in line with the OP's reason for beginning this thread.

Ah, human relationships can be so complex, even when we think it should be so simple!
 
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