Redpepper's journey

Hate on for poly post. Please take with a grain of salt. Just venting.

I saw Leo and his wife today for the first time in over a year. Mono and I happened to bump into them while we were eating lunch with a couple of my clients at a local mall. The wife went off to the bathroom and Leo was left talking to us. I sat back and took my lead from him, which didn't really amount to anything. I realized it might look like I didn't want to talk to him. Mono gave him a hug, so I decided to see if he wanted one from me too. He did.

They chatted. I sat behind Mono, nervously drinking my coffee and not knowing where to look. I managed to stutter out something to do with the vacation they were going on. After a time, the wife came back and hugged Mono also. I sat back again to see if there were an indication that she wanted one from me also. There was none, only the utterance of "Hello." Mono chatted with them both for a bit while I sat behind him. Whey they said their goodbyes to him, I got a nod and a "Bye."

I'm not sure what to make of it now. Mostly I felt bad that they had to see me and interact at all with me. I am reminded of how I was invited out of their lives and asked to fuck off, essentially. I was wishing I could become very small and run away so that I could indulge them in that request. If the situation had been different, I probably would've turned around and walked away, to help them (and me) avoid the situation. I am in no position to rise to the occasion of trying to fix anything right now. I have nothing to give.

I have heard rumors around the community of who they spend time with, who she is dating. This has meant that he has been on my mind for some time. I don't have anything to say, really, but I'm done with the silence also. It's a tricky thing. I have heard that there is not always the best stuff said about me by them (no details, just indications of attitude), but I trust that people will make up their own minds. They will experience what they experience and that is always going to be different than what I experience. No one is asking me, anyway, so I am off the hook as far as being put on the spot for giving out info on them.

I largely keep to myself. I don't spend time with anyone but my chosen family these days. So there is no one around me that wants to know what I think about things, anyway. There are a good number of people that are glad I am not around. It makes me feel rather content to know that I don't exist in people's minds, for the most part. As long as I don't find out I am missing or going to miss out on something I might like to do, I could stay this way for a very long time. Everyone is moving on and I am just going to hover here while they do.

I am content to sit on my bed and play video games right now. It's just way too complicated to be involved with anyone or in anything. Simple is best right now. That means scaling poly back to a relationship with myself. I am monogamous with myself. ;) I have a hate on for poly at the moment. and a hate on for anything that keeps me from time to myself.

I am pretty sure that monogamy was built on the backs of some very hurt and damaged individuals who thought it best to just buckle down to taking in the crops from the fields, rather than dealing with the bullshit that comes along with having to deal with many partners and the responsibility that comes with that. Monogamy seems easier. Who needs all this relationship/communication bullshit anyway? Viva monogamy! :p

Really, I think that many poly people are only poly to stay in their marriages because of the kids, house, car, debts. Really, I think many people are better off divorced and moving on to another mono relationship, as I highly doubt that many people (including myself) can handle the pain that poly inflicts.

I also think that many poly people are in it because they can't find someone who will commit to them. Or they fear commitment themselves. Why not have lots of people to do this with rather than one? Then you will be too busy to notice.

Somehow it seems that self-indulgence means no one gets hurt. Not fully connecting with others and not being completely vulnerable means that distance keeps a person from getting hurt.

Same with the sex-- just keep it unemotional. Keep people at arm's length, have fun and everyone will be okay.

Funny, the hurt comes just the same anyway.

Really, it's all irrelevant because life just sucks the life out of you sometimes.

Man, am I burnt out! And premenstrual. :p
 
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I saw Leo and his wife today for the first time in over a year . . . I am reminded of how I was invited out of their lives and asked to fuck off, essentially, and I was wishing I could be very small and run away so that I could indulge them in that request.
Aww, shit. You have no reason to make yourself small for anyone else, RP. You did nothing wrong, unless caring about, loving, and enjoying the company of a person is wrong. If you ever run into them again, I hope you can hold your head up high and meet their gazes with confidence about who you are. Let them be the ones to shrink and run away. Bah!

Monogamy seems easier. Who needs all this relationship/communication bullshit anyway? Viva monogamy! :p
Having spent most of my life as a monogamist, I can tell you that the only difference I see between monogamy and polyamory is how to manage your time. A monogamous relationship requires the same effort and amount of communication as a poly situation does, and although the challenges are different (of course) monogamy is just as challenging. Just think of all the self-help books on relationships there are out there. Most of them are written for monogamous couples. Do you think if monogamy were easy, those authors would be as rich as they are or that the relationships section at Barnes & Noble would be as big as it is? Hahaha
 
Aww, shit. You have no reason to make yourself small for anyone else, RP. You did nothing wrong, unless caring about, loving, and enjoying the company of a person is wrong. If you ever run into them again, I hope you can hold your head up high and meet their gazes with confidence about who you are. Let them be the ones to shrink and run away. Bah!

This!
 
You're right. I have no need to hide. It isn't out of shame at all. It's out of not really wanting to be involved again, having nothing to say and out of respect for their possible need to make me disappear from their lives.

It's kind of like when you see people you knew years ago walking by, and neither of you strikes up a conversation. That happens a lot in my small city. I used to make a point of saying hi to everyone I know and knew. But I now realize that I am the minority where that kind of thing is concerned. People just don't want to say hi all the time.

I was trying to respect that we were in an awkward situation, where we were all forced into being face to face. While I don't mind that sort of thing, because of previous experience with people that DO mind, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

Besides, they are friends with Mono, not with me. I am just someone they used to be friends with. He and they deserved the chance to chat far more than I did.

You're right, though. Standing tall and owning my own space would've been just fine. I think it was a matter of how we were positioned. I was sitting behind Mono and no one moved to allow me into the circle to talk. So I didn't fight it and stayed behind him. If that makes sense.

One of the things that was said about me by them was that I was a show-off, arrogant (I think that was the word), and liked to be the centre of attention. I didn't want to make myself the centre of attention, or make anything happen, really. So I just let the whole thing unfold without my input. That is just how it unfolded, as it turned out, and it fit what I wanted to offer them in the moment.
 
Sometimes reading your words is very peculiar, like reading someone else's interpretation of my diary.

Anyway, hugs. Enjoy yourself, your videogames and your kiddo. Having dropped out of all of my social circles, I find I have a great deal more cuddle time with my kids, and I'm enjoying it... a lot.
 
I can understand why you've stopped organizing events in your poly community, but I get a little smile when you talk about being "mono with myself" since, as far as I know you've still got a husband, two boyfriends, and a girlfriend. That is two more partners than I've got, and I've felt overwhelmed with their needs lately! lol
 
I can understand where you've stopped organizing events in your poly community, but I get a little smile when you talk about being "mono with myself" since, as far as I know you've still got a husband, two boyfriends and a girlfriend. That is two more partners than I've got, and I've felt overwhelmed with their needs lately! lol
It's my idea of a joke. :p A sick one maybe and, yes, highly sarcastic, but a joke, nonetheless.
 
I emailed Leo. It seems that we are heading on a path of healing, maybe?

I now know that I don't need to be distant. It seems I was always in a position of being a friend and he was not able to fulfill a partnership with me. I got to hear an apology about the emails I got back then, and I now know that they were sent out of hurt. I also heard that he had been glad to see me and was glad to get my email.

I wrote back and explained that I was unable to meet as friends back then, but had not intended that to be a lifelong thing. I didn't know that he wanted to be friends because of the emails he wrote. I'd understood that we were done, in every sense of the word.

I thanked him for the apology and the information.

Today I went to a Chinese New Year lunch with a group of people that are all linked to him in some way. I found it mildly humorous that I was scolded for writing about him here anonymously, while he and his wife are known by many people in the community, by their own accord. Nothing to do with me. They leave their own trail and that trail has names attached. Mine doesn't. I don't link the connections up for anyone. I don't pass on their info or anyone else's when I spend time with others. Believe me, I would love to. There have been times when I have stopped myself from saying "Yeah, that's not what I heard." But I don't. :p
 
I have a fear that I will not looked after when I am ill. Its irrational and tied up with bullshit that is not my own, I think. I have a friend who is cheating on his wife with other women because he is not getting the love he needs, as she has an illness and is unable to fully be with him.

Somehow, this has transferred to my life. I think it's been merged with reminders of when I was sick in the fall and how Derby came to take care of me. PN took care of the house and child. Brad sent loving texts of support.

Mono wasn't taking my illness seriously and was off in la-la land concerning his dilemma about telling me about the women he was courting. He seemed to not care or get how sick I was, until he got the same illness. I have somehow merged the cheating thing with the illness thing and suddenly have this feeling that I will be left and cheated on if I ever get sick.

I know. I know. Irrational and stupid... I should take care of myself, worry about myself, not worry about what others are doing. Of course he will be there to help. Of course I have others in my life that are, and will be there for me. Yeah, I get all that.

One more thing to add to the abandonment issue that haunts me. Gah, that fucker is a tough one.

Working on it.
 
PN is off visiting a friend on a neighboring island this weekend. It's the second trip of the year for him. He visited his ex-girlfriend a few weeks ago. That's a lot of travel for him! He seems to be embracing his life and seeking out what he needs. I'm happy for him and encouraging him to do what he wants by staying back and looking after the boy and life at home more.

We had our annual RP kick-in-the-butt talk about the garden again. It seems every year I need to remind them that we have a garden and that we need to be responsible for it. This year, Mono wants to build up the garden and PN wants to move some things around. I am excited about my own garden project, too. We await an arborist to come and deal with our fruit trees and then plan to get going. I am hoping this year we can keep it up until the fall. We decided to break the week down into chunks that we are responsible for individually. Hopefully that will help.

Brad comes home from China and Thailand today. Yippee. I missed our coffee dates the most. Its been awhile that we have gone to our favourite coffee shop hang out. I am hoping he wants to go there this week.

Derby and I went for a hot tub this week and then to one of our favourite restaurants. She has been very busy and it was nice to catch up. We seem to be in a position where we are concentrating on entirely different things. She is out and about, doing tons of exercise things and socializing lots. I seem to be a homebody, a recluse who gets overwhelmed by crowds. It's made it hard to relate on some level. We are good together, in that we just let go of all that and enjoy each other's company.

Mono and I are doing really well. We seem to have some understanding of each other and are moving forward. I continue to work on letting my mind and being get into grips with the possibility that he could find another woman to love. I find that the time I now have is helping me adjust.

I put my mind into the space where I might have to welcome another metamour into my life through him and work on a plan that will sustain me. My plan revolves around going out and doing my own thing and leaving him to it. I will use that time to enjoy a level of freedom that I haven't had or wanted. It will mean I will be in a state of being alone on a level that I have not experienced yet. Mono and I are by far the closest of all my partners. We are bonded to each other's side in ways that I am not with the others. I intend to break that bond at that time and move in a different way than I have in a long time.

At some point, I will talk to him about that reality. We have, in bits, but a full-on conversation seems to be in order, once I have thought it all through thoroughly.
 
Why would you break the bond with Mono if he found another girlfriend? Pixi and I are bonded, and this doesn't change, no matter whom I date or whom she dates. We've been together four years. Men have come and gone from my life in those years. She's stayed consistent. It would've served no purpose to break or even lessen our bond.

Ginger has been with me a year now; it's the real deal, love, and still Pixi and I are deeply bonded.

Unless you mean you are codependent with Mono and it is unhealthy, the bond or dependence. In that case, you can change things now. You don't need to wait until if and when he finds another serious girlfriend.
 
Why would you break the bond with Mono if he found another girlfriend?

Unless you mean you are codependent with Mono and it is unhealthy, the bond or dependence. In that case, you can change things now. You don't need to wait until if and when he finds another serious girlfriend.
Our bond would be lessened for me, for a time, while we adjust to someone new in our lives. I guess I figure it might be a way for me to cope and would give me an opportunity to do some of my own things. Kind of a "putting on hold" and waiting to see if he can accomplish two relationships at once.

I will endeavour to follow the lead of those who have gone before me and remind myself that just because his fascination is elsewhere does not mean he doesn't love me and want me in his life. I've not had to experience this with Mono before, and haven't had to with my other loves for quite some time. It's making me feel that I won't be capable of handling that kind of change, so I guess I am preparing.

People don't come and go in and out of our lives very often. I am completely out of practice with that and it has meant that yeah, I have a level of dependence that has developed over time. I'm not sure if that is a bad thing. It is a comfortable thing. I worry that I am too comfortable. Being comfortable is uncomfortable, as it usually follows with being off my guard and slammed into discomfort by something I had not considered.

Maybe its stupid to "prepare," as it could very well be that the discomfort that comes in life might come from something unrelated to anything I am thinking it will, anyway.

It feels strange to talk about it, as I am experiencing a second round of NRE with Mono at the moment (I've not really lost it, just lessened in time) and it seems to be something that could very well be far into the future. I am not being naive this time though, and opting for the less co-dependent monogamous-within-a-poly-relationship version. If that makes sense.

Thanks for writing, Mags. You always make me think and point out stuff about my life that others are likely thinking and not mentioning. I'm glad for the opportunity to think more deeply, even if sometimes that is uncomfortable.
 
I have a few things to write about, but little time, these days, or desire. One is about poly people being like musicians and sex between people being anything from a jam session to a well-rehearsed symphony. The differences in poly people are as vast as types of music.

The other is about recent thoughts on hierarchy and how it is possible to own the word, and associated words such as primary and secondary, without the negative connotations associated with them.

I've also been thinking of following Derby's lead and creating my "Me Manual," a list of things about me that would aid a new relationship or even remind and inform an old one.

There isn't much to note right now, other than lots of settling and readjusting. I'm finding myself thinking about Mono possibly dating and have noted the shift in how I feel about him and our relationship. It's not necessarily negative or less than what I thought before. but I am separate from him in a way I wasn't before.

I seem to have drifted. I try not to think about it and find, in some moments, that I am quite happy getting out of our relationship what I will. Often I simply exist with him. That feeling of a magic connection gone. I am glad we had that for a long time. I'm fine still. I am happy, but I have my moments of missing it and anger at him that he took it away.

He says I took it from him long ago, and he has been wondering why he has been with me ever since.

That makes me feel sad and ashamed of my nature. He doesn't put it on me. I do that. I am just hard on myself sometimes because of it.

I think that this winter has been about depression, as a result. I am struggling to connect with anyone and finding I don't care. Introspection can do that, I suppose. It also comes from a state of feeling that I would be better off hibernating than connecting. I have noticed that in not caring what people think of me, or not caring if I am liked, that quite often I am able to rise above that and feel the freedom of being vulnerable and on my own, without care. It's a feeling that has manifested in much self-love and coziness within myself. But it doesn't last, as I feel very disconnected that way.

Spring plans abound for the garden this year. We've had the arborist in and the men have dug up a new plot for veggies. The compost is turned and ready to go. We just need some seaweed and horse manure to dig in and let that decompose. I'm very excited.

This weekend we are going to a local ski hill to relax, as a family. We thought of inviting Brad and his family, but the place is small, and even though they might have only one kid, we thought it might be too much. A family vacation sounds about perfect to me, anyway.
 
De-Attaching

Have been reading your posts with a mix of admiration and sadness these days; going through this seems to be so hard on you, and I see you really struggling to find peace with feelings of abandoment and betrayal. It's mind-blowingly hard to try and let go of someone that you love as deeply as you seem to love Mono, and I can really identify with the anger and sadness that you appear to be experiencing. You are such a generous and vivacious soul from everything that I can see, and it makes me sad to see you struggling. Despite the fact that it isn't easy, I also see you doing your best to find joy, make peace within yourself, reconnect with self, and be present to yourself. I have a lot of respect for you RP, and just wanted to let you know that.
 
Of course, we only know what you tell us, but this latest development:

That feeling of a magic connection gone. I am glad we had that for a long time. I'm fine still and I am happy. But I have my moments of missing it and anger with him that he took it away. He says I took it from him long ago and he has been wondering why he is with me ever since.

...sounds like just the NRE has worn off and things have gotten real at last. It's been what, four years for you two? And this "magic connection" has been in flux for what, a year or so? That sounds about right for NRE. Perhaps yours lasted longer than most (6 months - 2 years average, they say). To me, as an observer who doesn't spend time with the two of you and cannot observe your body language, etc., your mood comes across as someone who just ran out of happy pills and is going through a post-drug-withdrawal depression. That is what it is, isn't it? NRE gives you the "high" of endorphins and when it's taken away you feel pretty shitty. I don't know what your brain chemistry is like, but maybe you can transfer that effect from person to person, maybe not. It doesn't seem like you have/had that same intensity with your other recent partners, but perhaps you did and I just didn't read up on that part.
 
I think, in part, you have it right, BoringGuy. No more happy pills for me. What I am finding, however, is that the happiness is coming from within me again, and it makes me want to be alone and on my own-- a scary prospect with several relationships on the go.

I seem to have this, "I don't care what people think and therefore am able to make myself more vulnerable as a result" thing going on lately. It's easier to be out there and authentic when I don't care what others think! I'm loving it. It's given me courage to be me and accept that I don't know anything and neither does anyone else. I am living in the moment and leaning into my emotions within that.

I did have a relapse this weekend, though. We had a great time away on our family vacation. But we went and visited Mono's friend before we left. She got me so many treats from her trip and was really glad to see me. I sorta felt like she was trying to win me over, somehow, and I didn't know why. Of course, I read into that, but I now think that she just likes me and wants to be my friend. Mono got nothing. :p

I got triggered because, as we were leaving, she said to him she'd see him next week, and I wasn't aware of the pland they had. It brought me back to last fall, when he was making plans with women behind my back. I managed to talk myself out of this trigger, and told myself that it isn't my business what his plans are and that I can trust he will tell me if something is getting romantic for him.

It took a while for me to do this. I aim to get better than that. But my newfound, "I don't care what people think" thing helped me through to no end. I managed to use some of the skills I taught myself last fall: grounded myself, went inward and focused on me and what I am doing. It made me able to see that it doesn't matter what anyone does or thinks. All that matters is what I do and think. It really is true, perspective is everything. Sometimes it feels like detachment. Sometimes it feels HEALTHY.

Thanks for your kind words, BaggagePatrol. I am grateful to hear them. I feel like a battered warrior, but I will be okay. *hugs* :)
 
Last week, Brad didn't tell me that he had been spending time with someone we both know in our community. They were getting their kids together regularly and he wasn't letting me know. Last I heard, he was going with his wife, for the first time, to visit with her and her husband and their kids.

Derby was the first to tell me that I might like to know that he was going on a date with her. He had been waiting to tell me on our coffee date, but the cat got out of the bag when this woman spread the news to everyone she knew that he had asked her out for dinner. Derby, bless her, was worried that it was all getting out of control, took it into her own hands, and told him he better get around to telling me, that I would lose my mind if I heard it anywhere else than from him. He explained his plan to her. She disagreed with his approach and told me.

I was grateful to know and empathized with how that might've made her feel to have to not only hold on to that, but to have to tell me, when he wasn't. I don't know how their conversation went, but I imagine it might've been a bit awkward. Maybe they will tell me about that one day, but for now I don't know how that went down.

So I texted him and got right to it: "What happened that you got to this point and I am hearing about it now?!"

It turned out that he thought she was interesting and had been wondering about her. He wanted to see what she was like alone and thought nothing more of it, other than, "Hmm, perhaps?" He thought he would tell me when I got home from the short trip I was on, in person.

I don't like "in person" stuff. I prefer to get a text or a phone call so that I can gather myself and find some composure when faced with hard emotional stuff. I am not one of those that like to be dumped in person. I would rather know it's coming and then meet. He's got that now. :D

So what was at the bottom of this is that we need to spend more time working on us, that he is completely happy with his two lovely ladies and that he doesn't want a third.

I complained that I don't get asked out to dinner. I actually make most, if not all of our plans together. I would like to be asked to participate in his life! I was feeling left out when he and my gf went to Crossfit together. Their kids have sleepovers. They go out to dinner and do stuff with all kinds of people in our community, and I don't seem to be on the radar.

Yes, I've been leading a quiet life. I've been quite self-absorbed lately. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be asked! This has happened before and now it's happened again. It's happened a lot, actually, in my life. I'm an oversight, somehow. I guess I'm a bit of a challenge. That is what I am guessing. ;)

So now he isn't going on "the date" and asked me to spend time with him and his family and go out for dinner. Yay me! I'm thrilled on many levels. I didn't really want to deal with this woman as a metamour. I'll get lots of lovin' time. :D And I've been considered. All I need to remember to do in return is tell him I care, I love him, I am available to him and that I intend to be in his life, when he asks, for a very long time. He needed to know that, trust that, and in our reconnecting and making up, he had lots of that. :)
 
I was concerned that the woman Brad asked out would think that I vetoed her. I figured she would be hurt that he changed his mind but I wondered if she would be hurt and possibly pissed off at the assumption that she was vetoed by me and my metamour. It turned out she was.

I spent some time with her last night at a social event and it seemed evident that she was hurt and apprehensive about where she stands with me and my metamour. Thankfully Brad went and saw her today armed with the knowledge that I was concerned about how she would feel and that I was concerned that she didn't have a place in our community and especially the women's community here. He did a great job of reassuring her and letting her know that he made the decision and that we had not done it for him. He decided what he would do and let her know that the two of us would of rose to the occasion to welcome and accept her as best we could. He hadn't brought it up with us first and he let her know that he should of planned his asking her out better.

I am hoping that she felt more confident after that and understands that it wasn't a personal thing towards her. He got a bit of a scolding from her for not having talked to us first. Something he also added that he let her know he dropped the ball on.

I feel as if we got over a hump lately because of this situation. I wasn't feeling connected or that he understood his importance in my life and now I see that he does. I am not entirely sure that he is finished with the whole thing forever, but at least I feel confident that he will let me know if his feelings start up for her.
 
I took some time off from writing, as there wasn't much going on. But wouldn't you know it? Just when I thought that, lots of stuff happened and I didn't have time. I tried to take a week off from the forum too, and the same thing happened. Ha!:p

Mono started in with his flirting with women, again, and I lost my mind, again. I guess the wounds are too fresh and I think that every woman he is seeing behind my back still or engaging in sexting conversations. At the same time, with this going on, he went on a long coffee date with his female friend. He was supposed to be back at a certain time to do an errand and he wasn't. I went on the errand instead. I was angry and felt as if the boundaries were pushed again. It took me right back to where I was a few months ago about the women he has in his life.

I wish I could let it go. I know I will, with time. He asks me to let it go and reassures me that nothing is going on and he is sticking to our agreements, but I am uncomfortable with his words and think he is lying. I don't want to, but I am not over it all yet, I guess.

When he tells me what he says to the women in his life, I cringe with the creepiness of it all. I own that. It's me who sees his flirtations as creepy, because I would be creeped out if I got that from a guy online. I am uncomfortable with him having confirmed his position with his friend too, even if she's not free and he isn't interested in being fully poly. I just wonder where it's going, try not to wonder, get wrapped up in my lingering pain, try to let it go. I just cycle like that constantly.

PN asked someone out! Its been almost two years and he has found someone he would like to invest time in. She asked if she could meet all of us first. I thought this was an interesting way of going about dating, but was touched by the gesture that she was considering all of us as people she could have in her life.

So she came to dinner. It was a night of nervous tension and laughter, but it went well, according to PN. He seemed to think that it was a smooth night and that a date would follow. We all wait with anticipation of their planning a date. To me, the night was odd. I think I am not used to just sitting there while he does all the work. It's usually me, or all of us, as it's usually my partners that come over, or our guests together.
 
I am finding myself immersed in the poly world online again, these days, and it's crossing over into my personal life. Life seems full of poly these days, at a time when I have lost a sense of what poly is. I am finding myself pushing the parameters of what poly is, online and in my mind. The lines are particularly blurry for me these days and I realize that there might be a shift going on for me from what I used to feel was my poly and what new insights are doing to make a change in me. I guess that's life and I will see where it all goes. My concern is that I will lose some friends and create some enemies, as I am being more open with my point of view and less concerned with what people think.

Along with the shift of what my poly means to me, I find that I have been shifting in other ways too. I am having realizations about myself and have noticed that I am coming into a new phase with what I do in my work life, also. I took shop-steward training with the union at work, and it seems to be one more open door of possibility. I am shifting slowly into what I hope will be work as a mediator, counselor, mentor, relationship counselor or something. I feel something coming and each step and door that opens towards it, I am taking.

In my mind, I am working on my abandonment issues intently. I am done with feeling as if I will never find a heart home and modifying my cognitive pathways to go against this belief. I have explained to my partners that they and their families are my heart home. I have thought and talked about them as having their own heart homes, and that each of us overlaps, but has a different experience of that. All of the people who are my heart home are important and come first, and it's those relationships I nurture above others.

I am also beginning to re-tell myself the history of my childhood, in order to move past the lack of trust I have around being abandoned. Along with really sinking my teeth into trusting my heart home, I am choosing to believe that I really wasn't abandoned at all.

Story: When I was about 5 months old I was left with some neighbors for six weeks. My dad was away working, as he did every summer, and my mum had to go into hospital. My parents were immigrants and had no family around. My mum had no choice other than to leave me with a neighbor friend she trusted. I was breastfed at the time (unusually long time for the early '70s). I was taken off the breast, put on a bottle, left to cry it out in a crib in a bedroom with the door shut, in an apartment of people I didn't know. I was never the same again after the experience, according to my mother.

Years passed and the experience faded, but left its mark. What made it worse, I have come to realize lately, is that my parents, especially my mother, drilled into my head that we were an immigrant family and only had each other. We weren't able to fully trust anyone to be there for us and had to be self -sustaining. Add this, to my having abandoned (in my baby mind) and it settled in that I would never be able to fully trust anyone to stay with me. And if I did find someone, they would leave me. So, I must protect myself at all cost and pull away at any sign of being left.

My friend just came back from being a volunteer at an orphanage in an African country. I was heartbroken looking at her photographs and found I couldn't keep looking, while my other friends were fine with it. She explained to me that in that culture they see orphans differently. Everyone raises them. It takes the whole community to fill them with love and belonging and to make them feel secure. I realized that I have to start thinking of myself this way. The little girl inside of me has to realize that I can be loved and belong to the whole of my heart home family and it will be okay. If that changes, then others will fold in, and I will always be loved and belong.

I am working from these thoughts to create a whole new brain inside my head, one that will not allow me to be afraid and traumatized when I find myself alone for too long. Cross your fingers for me?!

I feel as if my polyamory is based entirely upon my insecurity, my need to belong, my fear. I hoard partners in order to maintain my fucked-up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall if one person walked away, simply to carry on with their lives.

How's that for being fucked up?

At least I admit it.

The thing is, I love my partners with all my heart, and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stuck by me through the work I have to do, only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do, in its entirety.
 
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