End of Relationships

PolyBlargh

New member
Hi ya'll,

I have read the forums here for ages, never signed up. I'm not one for posting lots on the internet and tend to be wildly private. However, seeing another post and having just starting going through something very hard, I thought I would share, because I don't really have any where else to look for support on this one particular issue.

I'm poly, I was involved with 3 ladies, things have been great, 1 for 8 years (8) , 1 for 3 year (3) and one for 6 months (.5). 3 years lady (3) started to look for a guy to date a little while back, well for the past year. We did/do love each other a lot. We were well past the NRE and all that. Last year before she started looking though, she did say she wanted to be exclusive with me, or at least live with me primary and displacing (8). I told her that wouldn't happen, but did offer her cohabitation and her own room in my house. She declined. Things continued after that on a positive note. She met some guys none of which were a fit, and she tended toward guys that were a bit, manipulative boarderline abusive, much like her marriage prior to me was. However I digress. She has recently been talking to another guy that seems to be a VERY good fit for her, and because of this and because she's decided that "mono" is the way to be, we broke up, today. She didn't even want to consider discussing her continuing our relationship with the new guy that's she's not even "officially" dating yet. She just figures it'll be easier.

So I love her and she's made her choice. However she says and I feel the same way that we are "best friends" I don't want to lose that and neither does she, but 1. she doesn't want to disclose our previous relationship to the guy for fear he won't be comfortable with us doing stuff together. 2. I'm really hurt by all this. I feel a little used, I feel like a lot of time has been spent in vain. and 3. I feel like she continues to want the benefits of me as a boyfriend with out the girlfriend duties and my little 14 year old boy inside screams "screw that, not my problem anymore, why would i want to do fun things with her, she made her choice" Along with a host of other feelings that go along with the end of a relationship.

I've lost a very special lover in my life today, and I fear I'm going to lose someone who is truly my best friend in a very short amount of time, and I don't know how to deal with it. Every other break up i've had has been so much different and so much easier to deal with. I know I'm not supposed to have some of the feelings I have but I do.

Well thanks for listening random internet people. I know my post/story is incomplete, but I've been up for like 30 hours or something now and this is how it came out.
 
I'm sorry for your loss, PB. Any feelings you are having are the feelings you are supposed to be having!

It is truly too bad your gf has such a mono mindset that she broke up with you after 3 years just because she is newly interested in some new guy. Sadly, it sounds like she really just wanted a mono boyfriend the whole time. :( And she doesnt plan to tell anyone she might date that she was in a V for several years... No wonder you feel so hurt and disrespected and can't picture continuing to be friends with her.

*hugs*
 
I think that's a pretty fair assessment Magdlyn. I don't want to not picture being friends with her though, and I really hate some of the anger feelings. Honestly just don't know how to resolve or deal with them. I've never had to suddenly move from one dynamic to the next in quite the same fashion.
 
I'm so sorry. It's hard to not feel like you were wasting your time when things don't work out. I know. Believe me, I know. It really is okay to be hurt and angry. Continue to be true to yourself. (hugs)
 
A poly person shouldn't be used as a fun diversion until the opportunity for a "real" relationship comes along. Or, at least, it should be said up front that that's what's happening. I suppose you can give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't realize quite how she felt... but yeah, that's a shitty way to be broken up with.

I think you could beak up and stay friends. But I don't know about pretending your relationship never existed and staying friends. That desire to rewrite the past to smooth the way for the present, to put this new guy's potential feelings in every way over yours... that just seems kinda callous and cowardly. I would say no to that part.
 
Well a couple things changed in her life. She finished grad school and had more freetime with her new job and all then she ever had. I think the fact i wasn't able to be there as much that lead really to wanting a guy to herself, but no excuse.

Thank you AnnabelMore I needed to hear that. I was thinking that, like for V-day i gave her a picture frame and a photo of use at the beach kissing, very cute/pretty picture, but she might as well throw it away, especially since he attitude is that she couldn't still be friends with me if he knew our history, so she's always said to him i'm just her best friend. I thought I was being unreasonable and was thinking oh, this way yeah maybe we can still go do stuff, just not sex stuff. Now I'm just more pissed. After being there for EVERYTHING for three years to have it just marginalized for some new guy.
 
Tell her that you are hurt and angry and why you are so hurt at her dismissal of three years of love and support. She has decided that she would prefer a mono relationship - that happens and she cannot be blamed for wanting what she feels is best for her. But that does not mean she gets to rewrite history, pretend you and she never happened. Tell her you will not hide the truth from future boyfriends. You can't stop her from lying or shading the truth but do not help her do so. If they ask, you will tell.

Also start thinking about how you will handle it if her relationship fails - and the odds on new relationships tend towards failure. Do not be surprised if she wants to come back to you. How will you handle that?

Best of luck.
 
Thank you all. Her and I are going to have lunch on Monday, and I've asked her to bring me all my stuff. I lived there part time really so it's not just a couple trinkets. I think this might make what she's decided more real for her. There have been times when i've take stuff for one reason or the other and it always freaked her out and lead to "are you breaking up with me?" questions. So I don't know if that's relevant at all, but at least in my messed up mind i'll maybe get to see her hurt as much as I am.

As far as what will happen when/if the relationship she's starting fails, I don't know. I've been wrestling with this myself. I want to tell her in no uncertain terms that if/when it does, her and I will continue to be what she's decided we're going to be now, not what we were before. Problem is of course, I don't really feel that way and would probably take her back in a heartbeat. The problem I see with that is I'm left basically as a safety net. It lets her not have to worry about things, or worry about what's going to happen if it fails because she know good 'ol bill will be there for her to pick up the pieces.

Thanks again everyone, a little bit of validation can go a long way. I know as poly I'm not supposed to be jealous and I'm supposed to be hurt when I help someone get better and they move on.
 
As a mono in a poly relationship, I'm wondering if she's been mono all along. I know I fell in love with a poly guy, but when I found someone else, I totally broke his heart and left for the new person, which was a jerk move, similar to what she seems to be doing. I wonder how much experience has she had in dating, poly or otherwise, because I had very little, and I thought because my partner was poly, I had to be as well. Now, having gotten to know myself a little better, it kills me that I did that to him.

I have to say, I would have trouble being a secondary as a mono person. I am the primary in my current relationship, and I am mostly very happy.

Just giving you an alternate perspective. It sucks, and I hope you guys can find a good balance.
 
I'm so sorry that happened. :( Have you and she discussed taking some time apart to facilitate the transition to friendship? Or does she want it to be an immediate change?

It could help in the long run to take a break now, if only to have a more solid handle on your feelings and wants. If you really want to be able to be close friends with her in the future, you might not want to jump into the role she wants from you while you're still dealing with your hurt.

Best of luck.
 
Thanks quite, she was not and has never claimed to be Poly, she fell in love with a Poly guy. But we've always communicated well and I expected a lot different of her at this point.

Grey, she says she'll be me all the time and space I want. I told her I didn't want to hang out at her house if we hang out, it'll be in public and stuff like that. However, just today the new guy was like 2 hours late even getting back to her about plans they were supposed to have and she was immediately texting me saying she was lonely and mad and wished I was there. So ... yeah ... I honestly don't want to call her on it because I don't want to lose her or piss her off, but, I kind of need to don't i :(

Wow i've become one of those people that over shares on the internet! I really needed it though.
 
Yeah, you really do need to. If you ever want to be someone she truly respects, not someone she treats as a disposable safety net, she needs to see that what she's doing is not ok and that you have your limits. What's the use of her coming back to you if she just dumps you and pretends to the world to never have loved you AGAIN the next time a guy says he'll take her out some time? Sorry to be harsh, I feel for you. :/
 
I don't understand all this judgment you have about your own feelings. Twice in this thread you've said you "shouldn't" be feeling what you are feeling. Why is that? Who is telling you which feelings you are and are not supposed to have? There is no law decreed that when one engages in polyamorous relationships, one is not allowed to feel jealousy or anger or anything else. Are you not human? The more you fight or judge a feeling, the more it will keep coming up and growing in intensity until you let it be, accept how you feel, and deal with it. So, I say, be gentle with yourself and stop judging what you're going through. A break-up is a grieving process, and will have its highs and lows. When emotions rise, ride them through and they will dissipate by virtue of your simply allowing yourself to be what you are.
 
PolyBlargh, I feel for you. I just recently came to the end of a relationship I had for three years. His reasons for dumping me were because he was more interested in his business and other areas of his life than in me (amongst other things). I supported him through his life changes and through his buying the business and the result was that he didn't want me any more. It was and is hard. I feel used and thrown away.

I have a lot of anger still after a month. It is just something one has to go through I think. I haven't seen him in a month and I have to say, it was the best thing I did. He is slowly becoming someone I used to know because of our separation I think. His presence in my life becomes less and less to the point that I am angry still, but have moved on.

If he asked me now to spend time with him I think I would say no. Later maybe I would be able to be a friend. These things take time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Time.... let it happen and let your self feel what you feel. I allowed myself to feel everything that came up and did my best to allow my feelings presence in my life. The hardest part has been not taking it out on others and isolating myself. I am not so good at that, but I try.
 
Well why I would talking about "Shouldn't" feel that way, is because they are selfish feelings, they are jealous feelings and I've always felt that poly people should be able to better deal and address a lot of that stuff.

So after taking what a lot of you folks said into account I talked to her. I told her in no uncertain terms that I was hurt by what she did and how she did it. I explained "hey, even if we're not together we were, and we were big parts of each other lives, you can't erase that for the sake of some guy that just walked into your life"

I asked her about why she couldn't just be up front with this guy, and let relationships happen naturally because it would happen if she wanted a mono relationship with him, I would back of and move in to a support role, that's ok. She basically said the last time she was trying to date a guy and told him about our stuff the guy basically told her she was "a fat attention wanting slut" and a lot of other things. So as broken as girls can sometimes be she assumed all guys would think that of her, even if they didn't state it. She got some similar disparaging comments about her choice in boyfriend from friends and family over the years too.

So we talked a lot, and she talked to this new boy and we talked to him together. She's realizing that if someone truely cares about you and wants to love you, they will do what they can to let you be happy. So we're "back" together for now. The new guy is still dating her and really seems like a nice guy. Might even turn into another guy I can go have a beer with.

It's frustrating though ... having to go through all that to get to someplace I feel it should have started. I hate that guys have to be like that. You know just because it's not your choice doesn't mean you have to be a *** about it. I had no idea some of the stuff she dealt with happened even, she didn't want me to worry about ... or kill the guy that called her the above thing.

Thank you everyone for forcing me to face this rather then being upset and "alone" with it.
 
I am glad it worked out. I think most problems in relationships come from miscommunication or lack of communication. She didn't want to upset you and kept important stuff she was wrangling with to herself. Now you know that this is an issue for you both to deal with, moving forward.


Well why I would talking about "Shouldn't" feel that way, is because they are selfish feelings, they are jealous feelings and I've always felt that poly people should be able to better deal and address a lot of that stuff.

People who are in poly relationships are not above being human. Poly people are not more evolved than anyone else. They may be more practiced at dealing with certain issues, over time, but when feelings come up, the best thing to do is own them and face them, not belittle yourself for having them and try to pretend you're not feeling them.
 
I feel for you both. I wish she would have talked to you the whole way through the process of meeting the new guy. You may have been able to help her introduce the topic and transition. Since she threw you and poly under the bus, now you have some healing to do and some trust to regain.

I feel for her because the longer I am poly, the less I anticipate people's negative reactions. But they still happen. I'm only seeing 1 guy, but he has other girlfriends. I usually call it non-monogamy, then follow it with "everyone has full knowledge!" Still, among the few people I have now told, their reactions weren't, "Congratulations, that's great!" I haven't gotten a single one of those. LOL. The misconceptions and leaps are mind boggling.

I told a friend who is usually interested in my love life. She no longer asks me about who I'm seeing. My best friend from highschool who is a doctor immediately asked if I was practicing safe sex and getting tested. Not, "is he cute?" The first and only guy I have had to make aware of my relationship status thought non-monogamy meant I was promiscuous - and tried to take advantage of me as a casual sex partner when I specifically said that was not was I was looking for. I later found out he also assumed that meant I regularly had group sex. Huh? I talked to him for hours. How he got there, I don't know.

I hope everyone is communicating better in your group. Sometimes the tough learning experiences pay off more dividends in the long run. Best of luck to all.
 
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