Is a diagnosable mental illness a red flag for you?

RP-I beg to differ (only becuase I love you so!).
I think it would be a red flag for you IF the person wasn't doing anything about it and wasn't interested, because it would mean that they weren't interested in caring for themselves-which is just as dangerous as someone who mistreats their pets, children, metamours, spouses etc. ;)

That said-I do agree with the thoughts that RED flag might be overstating it.

It's something that I would only concern myself with if they weren't concerned about their own self-care. Because if a person isn't interested in caring for themself-they can't possibly care for me. Which isn't to say that they are responsible for me-but I like mutual care-taking in a relationship. ;)
 
I wouldn't think of it as a red flag (to me, a red flag is something to watch for and avoid the person) but I would see it as something to keep in mind, and treat the partner accordingly.

Some conditions, mental or physical, might mean that it wouldn't really work between us, for whatever reason. If that happens, it's too bad but things happen.
However, it wouldn't affect my desire to date them. I simply would want to learn more about it to see how to help, and I would give it a try either way. Unless it's something that's potentially dangerous for me or my other partners.
 
My ex girlfriend is a border line schizophrenic. Most of the time she was great, but every once and a while, she would have an episode and things turned really ugly, including violence. after one of those, she was committed by her family. So, yea, definitely a red flag for me.
 
ahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahaha

is it a red flag? Naw in my mind its probably a green flag, especially if they are NOT treated. Treated people on meds and counciling tend to be more unbalanaced, more dramatic, and more crazy than untreated ones.


I know if Im attracted to someone, and they are attracted to me, that there is a good fuckin chance they are absolutly nuts in some form or another.

I love crazy people
 
It might be a red flag for me, depending on the illness.

Someone very close to me is involved with a man who is bi polar. His MEDS have a very adverse effect on him sometimes and he tires of the side effects so he's been known to 'go off' his MEDS.
There have been times when that happens that he is quite deranged, violent.
It's a sad situation as when he is medicated, he's a wonderful man. We just fear that one day that wonderful man will do something he can't take back.
So, I'd be weary of it for sure, based on my own personal experience.

That, in a nutshell, it's why my answer is "runaway FAST!" I had a partner that was bi-polar, with schizophrenic added, it was rough. I tried hard, he didn't.
I *can* be open to other mental health problems, but if I heard the words bi-polar, I'm checking out.
 
I babysat two little girls full time for ten years. The youngest is bipolar and ADHD. Her mom is bipolar as well. To be honest, it was never an issue. Before meds it required more hands on attentive care, but either way was manageable.
 
Short answer, yes. Long answer, yes but with huge qualifiers.

My last relationship was with someone who had very severe problems with a mental illness that was poorly managed and caused an extreme level of stress in those around her. It sucked two years of my life away trying to deal with it and it took A LOT away from me, negatively effected my own mental health, and is still an ongoing problem.

On that basis, I would be extremely hesitant to get into a relationship with someone who had some form of mental illness.

That said, a quarter of the US population has some kind of mental illness and with proper management and care, it doesn't have to be a major issue.
 
Not really. My primary has depression and anxiety issues and I had to push him to see a DR, but he's doing better all the time and it doesn't make me love him less. If anything it's nice to know WHY he's in a mood.
 
Me being with someone who has a mental illness DX? Not likely. It is a red flag.<snip> I can date, and best of all, maintain a loving relationship whenever I am in one.

I hope you get what I'm trying to say.

Nope. I understand what you're saying about the importance of being on and staying on the appropriate meds, but the other thing I'm getting from this post is that you would not date someone with a mental illness diagnosis, but want others to be willing to date you.

Unless you mean it's a "red flag" for yourself, in that you know you would not be able to deal with it due to dealing will all your own stuff. That's fair, but the way you say it makes it sound like a mental illness diagnosis is something you see as a bad thing, which makes me question how you plan on finding relationships, seeing as how those people will have to be okay with your diagnosis.

For myself, it's something to consider and be cautious about. I have to protect not only myself but my children, so if someone I date has a mental illness I need to know how they cope with it and how I need to cope with it in order keep everyone safe. But I've known LOTS of people with one degree of mental illness or another, and most of them function well enough in everyday life most of the time, so it's certainly not an automatic reason to cut them out of my life.
 
tl;dr

Definitely not a red flag for me. Most of my friends EVER in my life have either had diagnosed or most likely COULD have been diagnosed with some form of mental illness. Especially since I'm demisexual and rarely am interested in people I'm not friends with, it's unlikely that I would ever fall in love with someone who didn't.

While I definitely think there are things that might prove to be problems -- I don't think I would necessarily be capable myself of emotionally knowing how to cope with severe dissociative episodes, or might be triggered by someone with severe body dysmorphia, for example, that is my problem and not theirs. And also something I haven't TRIED to do!

Mental illness isn't fun to deal with anyway and I find it really problematic that we even have this thread to pile on how undatable people with a psychiatric DX are. It seems kind of ablist and it's definitely depressing for those of us who do. I also think it's sort of generic to have a red flag over that diagnosis. There are some neurotypical people who are just not capable of handling a poly relationship, and there are some people with diagnosed mental disorders (or otherwise neuroatypical) who are better than average. If you asked "hey, are wheelchairs a red flag for you?" you'd be unlikely to get one answer and you might get looked at a little funny and this isn't much different.

In my relationship we ALL have depression and anxiety. We've experienced many of the same stressors in one form or another. While it can be stressful at times for J to not be able to make her girlfriend feel better, or for me to want both of them to be happy, or whatever, we all understand each other.

Honestly being poly (in the particular configuration we're in, in which I'm friends with my metamour and we keep very little from eachother, and also in which we all run on different schedules) seems to be less stressful because there are more people to talk about anxieties with. J might miss me having a panic attack because she's sleeping, but N will be awake for it. If N is having a problem both J and I might be around to talk her through it from different perspectives.

I think my red flag is not for mental illness but for using those illnesses as a means of manipulation. When I was younger for example, I definitely was guilty of using people's concern for me against them -- scaring them to elicit some proof of love. I've had it done to me as well. That's absolutely not acceptable behavior either from me or from a partner and I would never do it or accept it these days. Someone purposefully not treating themselves or being self destructive purely to elict a reaction from me wouldn't be handled very well.
 
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Mental illness isn't fun to deal with anyway and I find it really problematic that we even have this thread to pile on how undatable people with a psychiatric DX are. It seems kind of ablist and it's definitely depressing for those of us who do. I also think it's sort of generic to have a red flag over that diagnosis. There are some neurotypical people who are just not capable of handling a poly relationship, and there are some people with diagnosed mental disorders (or otherwise neuroatypical) who are better than average. If you asked "hey, are wheelchairs a red flag for you?" you'd be unlikely to get one answer and you might get looked at a little funny and this isn't much different.
It has to be said that not everyone is equipped to deal with a partner who has a mental illness and that shouldn't be looked down on. It can be intensely draining to deal with a partner, even just one, who has a mental illness and there are people out there who simply dont want to get involved in something like that.

As I mentioned before, I was with a woman for five years and for three of those five she was experiencing very severe mental health problems. She was dealing with PTSD, suicide attempts, crippling depression, and a number of other problems. It was absolutely exhausting to deal with that for two years and its part of why our relationship crumbled.

I wouldn't fault anyone for not wanting to get involved in something like that. I'm certainly not in any hurry to jump back on that train. Its the same as someone with an extremely high-strung other partner or an intolerable family or a drinking habit or a high-stress job that leaves them a mess when they're at home; regardless of whose fault it is or what it is, there is something that makes being around that person onerous to someone's emotional and mental well-being.

I think we also need to differentiate between someone who has something that is well-managed and relatively unobtrusive in a person's life, something they may only need occasional outside help to deal with, and someone who has an untreated mental illness that significantly interferes with their life and the lives of those around them.

I would think that most people here would be alright with the former and far less so with the latter.
 
I think we also need to differentiate between someone who has something that is well-managed and relatively unobtrusive in a person's life, something they may only need occasional outside help to deal with, and someone who has an untreated mental illness that significantly interferes with their life and the lives of those around them.

I would think that most people here would be alright with the former and far less so with the latter.

I think that this is my main issue with the thread title. There are many, many people who have diagnosable mental illnesses. Many of them are well-managed in some way; many of them are not. Lots of them can't even be compared. Someone with depression and someone with OCD and someone with Asperger's aren't at all the same and won't have the same problems with relationships but they all have diagnosable mental illnesses.

I don't look down on ANYONE who can't handle a situation, who knows their own boundaries or who steps away from something that isn't going well. That's GOOD.

My point is more that get any two people - even two people with the same diagnosis and similar upbringing - in a room and they'll handle a relationship differently, so generalizing isn't particularly fair. And sometimes it even helps to know that their fears or anger are caused by an irrational source.

Obviously I'm biased and it makes me sad to see people go "oh yeah, I would never date someone with a diagnosable problem", being very diagnosable myself. But it's less that someone might have an issue with that and more that by itself, being ill doesn't prevent someone from being a loving trusting partner, especially since 'mental illness' is pretty encompassing.
 
Mental illness isn't fun to deal with anyway and I find it really problematic that we even have this thread to pile on how undatable people with a psychiatric DX are. It seems kind of ablist and it's definitely depressing for those of us who do. I also think it's sort of generic to have a red flag over that diagnosis. There are some neurotypical people who are just not capable of handling a poly relationship, and there are some people with diagnosed mental disorders (or otherwise neuroatypical) who are better than average. If you asked "hey, are wheelchairs a red flag for you?" you'd be unlikely to get one answer and you might get looked at a little funny and this isn't much different.

This.

Well, and a lot of the rest. But... yeah. I'm not NT, but I've learned how to manage mine. I see no reason why I shouldn't date someone similar. Key word: managing.

I can imagine there are people for whom physical infirmity is a red flag, however. Lots of outdoorsy types wanting their partner in rock-climbing or some such. I wince whenever I read an otherwise lovely profile -- sorry, I can't hike with you! But I'm happy to wait back at shelter with hot drinks and a roaring fire going! :)
 
My point is more that get any two people - even two people with the same diagnosis and similar upbringing - in a room and they'll handle a relationship differently, so generalizing isn't particularly fair.
In the totality of things, it may very well be unfair but we humans tend to communicate in generalities (zing!) and I don't see a better and less horrendously awkward way to ask the question.

As a side note, this is always something that bothers me. People get upset about generalities being used because they're not 100% accurate but spelling things out exactly is extremely laborious and hinders communication. If logical sense should tell you that a person doesn't mean to be horribly offensive with the use of a generalization, then chances are very good they didn't intend to be. Getting offended by it really does no one any good because you're upset with someone who probably agrees with you already.
 
Well, point well taken, we do tend to communicate in generalities ;P

I do think there are ways -lots!- to generalize on this subject that are more specific - 'is noncompliant mental illness a red flag?' 'is depression a problem for you?' "is serious mental illness a red flag?" "could you cope with severe mental illness in a partner?" - and closer to what the OP and you have issues with. The word "diagnosable" implies 'undiagnosed' far more than it does 'intractable', so while it does stir up discussion to ask something that goes beyond what you yourself have an issue with, it's also grouping a lot of people in together (I bet most people have had a diagnosable partner that they didn't even realize) and inviting blanket statements.

Obviously, also, not everyone agrees with me (or you) on this subject or there wouldn't have been outright yeses or nos on this thread.

I mostly agree that people DO have to speak in generalities, but I don't think it's only the offended party that needs to be careful about WHAT generalities. Regardless of intent, sometimes words hurt feelings or perpetuate stereotypes and that's not wrong of someone to say. Discussions can be had without getting upset.
 
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. . . I find it really problematic that we even have this thread to pile on how undatable people with a psychiatric DX are. It seems kind of ablist and it's definitely depressing for those of us who do.

I highly doubt that BlackUnicorn, the OP, started this thread to talk about "how undatable" mentally ill people are. She was simply conducting a "reality check." I believe her question and purpose of this discussion was based on her struggles with her own mental health issues and that of her partners, and she wanted to know if other people would see it as a red flag to be involved with her and/or the people she's been involved with. If you click on her profile and read her other threads, including her blog thread, you might see that she really is not the type to point fingers and she was sincerely asking the question as a way to sort stuff out for herself in the process of self-discovery and recovery from what she's been going through. So, while you were seeing some kind of negativity or judgment coming across in the topic, you yourself may have been a little quick to judge as well.

Furthermore, regarding the point about the word "diagnosable" as more problematic than other possible word choices, remember that this is an international message board. English is not the OP's first language. Although she is rather fluent in English, she probably chose the word that made the most sense to her in its translation to her native Finnish.
 
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It is a red flag/deal-breaker for me, if the mental disability manifests as violence/rage/anger oriented. No exceptions.
 
It's my sense of the thread that most posters would date someone with a mental illness but there were certain conditions that had to be present as well. For me, I won't date someone with a mental illness who is not taking responsiblity for their treatment and doing what they can to treat and manage their disorder. And I certainly agree with SG that violence is a complete full stop, red flag. Other folks have other considerations, conditions.
 
The only time I think I would see mental illness as a red flag is if the person is in denial about it and/or refusing treatment.
 
To answer my own question:

Yes, IF
A the person afflicted has not sought any treatment or kept up with treatment in the last year
B us being together and/or being poly has for the last two years objectively made them worse
C if their condition is very similar to mine, involves a lot of mood swings and shifts in identity
D they are using drugs and alcohol to self-medicate

I cared solely for someone with Paranoid delusions and Schizophrenia for 7yrs. It was an abusive and dangerous environment. I stayed with them because, as the disease developed all her friends left her and found herself increasingly isolated and avoided. I was a major support in her life. This experience has shaped me more that I would care to admit. I have only the greatest concern for mental illness and understanding just how deadly they can ultimately be.
 
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