BDsm

OK, Cindie, you've given me permission to say here that you own a pair of handcuffs and one time (at least) you cuffed a lover to your bed and tortured him by licking all around his hard cock, barely brushing it from time to time with your lips, as he writhed and quivered on the bed.

You're kinky.

You're not vanilla. You're not "non-kinky." You both got off on the power exchange.

No, you didn't tie his balls up with bands or rope til they were tight and purple. No, you didn't take a small flogger and whip his cock while he laid there helpless. Yet, you still tortured him.

You didn't sit and watch TV. You did something even more extreme than canoeing on a calm lake. You enjoyed the power. He enjoyed being under your control.

Some people might think you and L are perverts. Some people are asexual. Some only like 10 mins of missionary style sex. It's all a matter of personal preference and desire for this or that limit to be pushed.
 
At least give me credit for being curious, asking questions, and wanting to understand.

Good clarifications on all points above. And after I reread what I'd posted above, I thought to myself, maybe I should have said something like that's great that you're continuing to read and learn, there's some good stuff in those articles you quoted, etcetc. But at that point I just didn't have the energy to go back and add anything.
 
OK, Cindie, you've given me permission to say here that you own a pair of handcuffs and one time (at least) you cuffed a lover to your bed and tortured him by licking all around his hard cock, barely brushing it from time to time with your lips, as he writhed and quivered on the bed.

You're kinky.

You're not vanilla. You're not "non-kinky." You both got off on the power exchange.

Got me. But he told me that he knew he could very easily break the chain on those cuffs (which are feather-lined so as not to hurt!) and so he didn't feel threatened by my doing that, so I didn't really think that I dominated him (the funniest part was when I put the blindfold on him and he whined, about three times, "Does it have to have a ruffle on it?").

Okay, so I'm not TOTALLY non-kinky. But let's say I meet someone new. If he asked me if I'm kinky and I said "yes," he would most likely be sorely disappointed when I got him home because I only play around with some light kinky stuff on occasion. Yes, I've been spanked, tied up, handcuffed (a long time ago), and have bitten and spanked and handcuffed lovers. I love dressing up in catsuits or corsets with stockings, garters, and fuck-me shoes, and I like having my hair pulled during sex. I'll even admit I enjoyed it when Shorty slapped my face on occasion (with my permission). At least now you kinksters know that I am not asking questions from a completely ignorant perspective. But I am so mild, I don't think much of it. Hmm, I guess the people who think it's kinky just to leave the lights on during sex would think it's weird if a lover of mine wants to cum on my boobs.

Yet, I don't think I could qualify to ID as kinky or into BDSM, as it's definitely not something I need to get off or to feel satisfied. Nor would I want it to extend to anywhere else in my life beyond the bedroom. To me, I see what I do as dabbling a little, once in a while. For example, I enjoy being restrained, but not if I can't really get out of it easily myself. I would never want to be so tied up I couldn't move, but pin me down a little, that's okay. The things that freak me out are the 24/7 psychological submissive stuff, and the really pinchy-hurty-drawing blood stuff. And I guess I didn't think of kissing, licking, and nibbling as torture. The cock torture that disturbs me is when they bend it in a cage or like what you described, Mags. How do you even trust someone who nails body parts to a board? And no one's sticking a needle anywhere near my pussy that isn't a medical doctor! But I guess I am beginning to understand more about this world.
 
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Why does it have to be a dichotomy of kinky or non-kinky, black and white? You could always say to your new lover "I'm just a tiny little bit kinky, nothing remotely serious or hard." But some people would definitely consider a slap to the face in bed kinky! So admitting to a mild shade of gray would actually be more accurate. Alternately, you could say "I'm vanilla with just a sprinkling of cinnamon... and then only in the bedroom. ;) "
 
When you put it that way, the word vanilla sounds nice to me! A tasty treat!

I could even see someone who's normally a die-hard rocky road fan saying, "Hmm, that sounds refreshing actually, I think I could go for a little of that, especially presented in such an attractive dish." :D
 
Sorry for my late entry into this thread. BrigidsDaughter sent me over here because she said I might be able to help out, as I'm most certainly the kinkier of the two of us. So you know where I'm coming from, I'm a Dominant sadist adrenaline junkie. I'm not a "professional" by any stretch of the imagination, but I have had one long term BDSM relationship, as well as done more then my fair share of homework. I also have some rather strong views on the topic, but I'll get into those as we go. Also, these are my views and not representative of this house or it's other members. ;)

I use the term "vanillia" in regards to "average". I have never met someone who didn't like something "kinky" in the bedroom. So "vanillia" for me is someone who likes perhaps a little light play along the lines of hair pulling, scratching, or even dirty talking. Nothing most people would consider kinky, and the use of the term is in no way a show of disrespect. Vanillia is one of the most popular ice cream flavors, and everyone is entitled to whatever toppings they like on it. I just happen to prefer something else. My something else is no better or worse. Just different.

Now, what kind of pleasure can one get from masochistic play? Well, from what I've read it has a lot to do with brain chemicals. When hurt the brain releases endorphins to help deal with the pain. They cause a feeling of well being when the body is under exercise, stress, pain, excitement, orgasm, or love. Yep, that same stuff that gives you that high during NRE is the same stuff that's released during pain play. Now what people don't often see is that during masocist play, the person doing the beating works their way up to the heavier stuff. Start off light to build up the release of those endorphins, and as they get flowing work their way up from there to cause the release of more and more of those sweet little chemicals. Some people are okay with starting harder then others. It's a matter of learning limits, both for starting and where to build up with. Everyone has a limit, it's just a matter of finding where it is.

Now note that in above there was no mention of sadism or D/s. I know a few masochists that are not into D/s play, at least in a traditional way. I also know a few that have non-sadist partners who, because it pleases the other half, have learned how to "beat" the masochist half.

Now on to submission! Now I'll admit as a dominant I don't totally understand the appeal of submission 100%. I mean, I can understand it on an intellectual level, but I'll never just get it like some people do. However I do have several submissive friends and had many many long talks about this topic. What it boils down to is the reason people submit to another is deeply personal. Some do it because they enjoy the feeling of having someone stronger then them over them, some do it because they get off of it in the bedroom, some do it simply because it feels natural.

I've seen talk of BDSM relationships come up on the thread so I'm going to touch on my perspective on those as well. They are relationships. All relationships, even BDSM ones revolve around communication and, often, a little give and take from both sides. Only in Total Power Exchange relationships does it go one way (and I have very strong, negative views on those 97% of the time). Communication is also a key part of play, no matter the type.

Communication is VITAL to anything BDSM related. I can not stress this enough. From expectations, to limits, to turn-ons, to kinks, to the safe-word. All of it needs to be communicated and understood. Communication getting to know each other. Communication during play (especially early in the relationship). Post play communication. Communication between sessions. All of it is vital to keeping it alive and moving in a positive and healthy direction. Of course, the same could be said of any relationship, but in my experience BDSM acts as a forge for emotions, amplifying them and honing them to an edge, so communication in my mind is a lot more vital.

Of course, that's just scratching the surface of it all, and from the side I don't personally do. I'm not a masochist, nor am I a submissive, but I've done homework and I hope it helped even a little. Don't be afraid to ask anything. Only by learning do we improve understanding. I'll leave off with some final, short thoughts.

The submissive holds the ultimate power. The power of No. In a healthy BDSM relationship if the submissive says no, that's where it stops.

It's not about abuse, it's about love. The love two people share when they give fully and completely of themselves to the other person.
 
@ Indie, Thanks! :) I enjoyed your recent long post. See, you've done "kinky" things that i'd be terrified to try. Cum freaks me out, hardcore lol. It's one of those things I'm not really sure how I'll integrate into sex happily. Guess i'll figure it out eventually. Perhaps because i've never actually seen it. ;) But still, the idea of it makes me anxious. Yet, I've been tied up, beat till I'm black and blue and electrocuted (not all on the same night!) lol. I like floggers and takedown/capture scenes and interrogation. I don't think that being kinky is a contest where one of us gets to be more kinky. There is a whole spectrum. You don't have to be a masochist or a sadist to be kinky. You don't have to like needles or floggers or leather. There is one girl I know and the main thing she likes to be a puppy. You really can pick and choose what you like. And it's a lot about the creativity. It sounds like you're pretty creative in bed and i'm sure your partners love it!

And you certainly don't have to assume a "kinky" identity. Although if you did, any guy you take home would have no right to assume that he knows what you are and aren't into without asking you first just because you said you were kinky. I think many people are more kinky than they perceive themselves as being. I wish it didn't have to be so black and white where there are kinks and vanillas. I think it's more of a spectrum at the end of the day. I would be pretty hesitant to date a 10 mins with the lights off missionary kind of guy but that's because we're at very different places on the spectrum.
 
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I use the term "vanillia" in regards to "average". I have never met someone who didn't like something "kinky" in the bedroom.

Okay, I think I'm getting it.

It sounds like you're pretty creative in bed and i'm sure your partners love it!

Well, yes. *blush* Shorty used to say I was a "spirited lover."

I think many people are more kinky than they perceive themselves as being. I wish it didn't have to be so black and white where there are kinks and vanillas. I think it's more of a spectrum at the end of the day.

Okay, good way to think about it.

I think what I find off-putting, f'rinstance, is like on OKCupid -- when someone says in their profile that's what they're looking for right off the bat. I can only feel comfortable being "a little kinky" after I know someone and we have enough trust between us. So it makes me want to stay away from guys who are so out about it, because I don't want to be in a position of deflecting away any kinky advances I wouldn't want being directed toward me. I once made the mistake of getting a little kinky with a guy on our first date and it felt really shitty.

It just seems like during the 12 years or so that passed while I was with my ex, people have become so much more into labeling and defining and "specializing." I don't recall people announcing how kinky they were before going on a date with someone back when I was single. Oh, no doubt, I know the BDSM community was out there and I wasn't so naive not to know about dungeons back then, but back then (and I guess the internet being fairly "new" back then also plays a part in this), the "single ads" for "those kinds" of people had their own special page in the back of the Village Voice, if you know what I mean. Seeing it so often nowadays, I kind of take it as a warning, I guess. I don't want to be with someone who can't have plain old, vanilla sex at all, ever. I went to a party once and some guy introduced himself to me, "Hi, I'm a switch, my name is ___." When someone IDs a certain way, and informs me how he likes to have sex before he tells me his name (LOL), it would seem like that's the most important thing to them and I would rather be with people for whom a solid healthy relationship is most important.

But this thread has been pretty informative.
 
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Cum freaks me out, hardcore lol. It's one of those things I'm not really sure how I'll integrate into sex happily. Guess i'll figure it out eventually. Perhaps because i've never actually seen it. ;)

Well, I started having sex back in the 70s, before we had to worry about safe sex and condoms, and getting sticky with cum all over us was de rigueur. I feel such a sense of freedom when fluids are mingled together on each other's bodies. So cumming on my boobs, no big deal for me. I miss the days when we didn't have to be afraid of that and disease.
 
Even though I like my kink, I have more vanilla sex then kinky sex. Not every session in bed, for me anyways, needs to be full of BDSM. Sometimes all I want/need is a good old fashioned roll the hay.

Also, I would never push kinky sex on someone who didn't want it. It just might not be there thing. Respect for each others wishes is something I take seriously, especially in the bedroom.

Trust is an important thing. You can't rush it, and the best things in life are worth the wait.
 
Sorry for my late entry into this thread. BrigidsDaughter sent me over here because she said I might be able to help out, as I'm most certainly the kinkier of the two of us.

I wouldn't say that you are the kinkier of the two of us, but I would say that you are the more experienced of the two of us and that is really what I was hoping you could contribute.

As for myself, I am a masochist with a dominant personality who enjoys bondage. I play paintball, participate in boffer LARPS (full contact, but not full force with lightweight foam weapons), and Dagorhir (full contact and full force, but with heavier padded weapons). Outside of the bedroom, pain invigorates me, energizes me, lifts my mood, and just makes me feel alive. Inside the bedroom, I've I've heard it referred to as having my batteries in backwards; as in the more/ longer/ harder you beat me, the more turned on I get and the more orgasmic I get. Intercourse after that leaves me "fuck drunk". :D I love teeth and nails in the bedroom and my guys love the noises I make. I enjoy when they draw blood; I love how my skin stings in the scalding hot showers I take for days after and will often experience "after shock" orgasms when my clothes rub on the marks they leave on my skin or from just looking at my reflection. I'm not to the point where I NEED pain to orgasm, but if I don't have some element of pain either before or during sex, it isn't quite as satisfying as when I do.

I'm definitely not naturally inclined to be submissive, but as a gamer, I can roll play just about anything so I have been working on teaching myself to slip into the roll of submissive.... why? Well, in part because two of my lovers are Dominants and if they are willing to beat me silly, than why shouldn't I at least make the effort to give them something that they need, even if it doesn't come naturally and my instinct is to fight it? I mean, what else does one do when there are 4 people in a relationship and the make up is 1) Dominant sadist, 2) masochists (our other masochist is not interested in getting into D/s), and 1) Dominant who has learned how to beat their masochist partners out of love? If you can switch, why not?

Runic Wolf and I actually had a conversation in the car today where I asked if it was better for him when he accidentally sent me into subspace after hours of flogging or knowing that I was willingly submitting to him. He said that for him it didn't matter. But for the other Dominant in my life, I think it does. I don't know for sure, but perhaps I will ask tomorrow night. But for now, I'm going to sit here with my slightly stinging ass until our son goes to bed and I can go back down to the workshop.... I wonder if our friends suspect that any armor or leather goods that we make are tested out on my ass before they're sold? :D

As far as sex is concerned; while not every session in bed needs to be full BDSM, I'd rather have some kink than none at all. Which makes me wonder why we've been having so much vanilla sex lately, but then I remember that when you're a parent, you take whatever sex you can get. To me, if I'm going to make love, be sweet and tender, skip the dirty talk in favor of sweet talk, that's when I want vanilla sex.
 
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I've been thinking about kink a lot lately. I feel that I want to write about it, but I don't know what to write or where. This thread seemed like an appropriate place. I've had sub tendencies a long time, but I've suspected myself to be a switch for a while and confirmed it lately in exploring some of my dominant side. I definitely can enjoy pain, though it's complicated. Sometimes it's 100% enjoyment, the discomfort of pain is totally drowned into the pleasure of it. At other times pain can feel really.. well, painful. In a bad way. But still it also feels good.

Today I'm thinking that it's a strange head trip for me, to be under a person's domination. The mental experience is like nothing else. One minute I'm like "oh my god he really doesn't care if I hurt, he enjoys it, omg that's so HOT!"; and the next moment I'm "oh, he doesn't care if this feels uncomfortable to me :(". It is strange to have completely conflicted feelings (not at the same time but within a small amount of time and in quite similar situations), in that I'm first turned on and then turned off by the same excact thing, i.e. seeing the sadism in my partner. I feel that I genuinely enjoy it, it gives me such pleasure to see my partner enjoy hurting me. I think that there's simply an occasional event when I need to be reassured that it is still not true, i.e., that my partner does still actually care about how I feel and what I want. I guess it'll never stop surprisising me that my emotional reactions can be irrational...

Overall, I feel good about exploring these things with people I trust and am comfortable with. Yet, it's confusing sometimes, because it's hard to know what you want when part of you wants something and another doesn't and both are constantly changing. Sometimes, I want something physically so much but mentally not so much. Sometimes it's the other way around. Sometimes I want is physically and don't want it at the same time. Sometimes some part of my brain is totally for it but another is not.

Blending dominance/submission in with something I feel conflicted about will affect it to make it more simple, but sometimes more complex in other ways. If I'm told to do something, I need to spend less time thinking about how I feel about it since that's not the point anyway. Yet if it goes far off my comfort-zone, I get more conflicted since I don't know at what point I'm supposed to listen to the "don't want this" part of myself when I also have the "do want this" part in me simultaneously. Then, it might feel quite interesting to try some things that feel somewhat scary when I'm the one in power, since I can decide very specifically what I do want and what I don't, in a different manner. I haven't explored much to that direction, but I would like to. Yet, I wonder if I will be able to take much pain at all since I'll have to push myself into it instead of having somebody else do that dirty work. That will be seen.

There is a big part of me that craves extreme comfort in everything, including sexual intimacy. Yet that is not something that I can realistically have with another person for various reasons, mostly because of the fact that there really doesn't exist a physical body that would resemble my gender-identification. My feelings about that physicality and my sexuality are in continuous flux. That is why I don't think it would be realistic to aim for total comfort at all times except by never having sex with somebody else. I could try to maximise my comfort, which would likely include (among other things) not having sex with anybody male anymore. It is something I have considered, but have always concluded that in the larger scale of things what I want is not to aim for never feeling uncomfortable (which is not realistic as long as I want my sex life to include other people besides myself) but rather to balance discomfort and enjoyment. For me kink gets me in mental spaces where I can incorporate discomfort into my sexuality in various ways. For me sex is as much about what goes on mentally as what goes on physically.
 
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Wow this is a huge thread. I won't go through it all (I'm up late enough as is) but I will throw in my two cents, just on my experience...

I'm young enough and inexperienced enough to believe that I have metaphorically shot myself in the foot when it comes to what I'm wired for, which I've been exploring within the past year.

I am a male minded female (that is happy being female) who has been called 'tomboy' for lack of insight... I am attracted to both males and females, where the physical line is down the middle and the intellectual leans towards men, who I just understand better.

Along with being 'bisexual', which is a sort of fad that ppl don't take seriously, I am very interested in a poly relationship with a man and woman. To have my pie and eat it too (ahh puns...)

Finding my ideal relationship(s) is hard enough, but I have found I am also into some specific light BDSM. I am a sub who loves to please and be directed, and I enjoy light pain (pulling hair, gripping, holding down, spanking etc) and some bondage, though I don't like abrasive ties. Some people wouldn't consider these kinks, but a lot more people do.

So as well as wanting to be poly with a man and woman together as well as some one on one (staying within the three of us), I am into more than vanilla sex. I would have to compromise greatly or be extremely lucky to get what I want/need. =_=

I understand that a lot of people are into BDSM as well as polyamory but it just seems nigh impossible to find what you're looking for. Sometimes I hate the way I'm wired, it just seems I'm making it harder on myself.

Perhaps if I was more the mythical hot bisexual babe it would be easier, as least to try out. But I'm chunky on top of everything else as well as being nerdy.

I'M DOOMED.

So there's my two cents, for what they're worth.
 
This is a greatly interesting thread. G is into a bit of D/S, with me being the Dom. I'm still very new to it, so we're slowly trying new things. Right now he is most happy with slapping, spanking, biting, hair pulling, etc. Being told what to do and where/when. Not a lot of pain. It's what he craves and needs from me, sexually. I'm actually getting into it, it's a huge turn on to tell him what to do ;) I will read this more tomorrow once I have time. Thank you LR for starting this thread!
 
This is a greatly interesting thread. G is into a bit of D/S, with me being the Dom. I'm still very new to it, so we're slowly trying new things. Right now he is most happy with slapping, spanking, biting, hair pulling, etc. Being told what to do and where/when. Not a lot of pain. It's what he craves and needs from me, sexually. I'm actually getting into it, it's a huge turn on to tell him what to do ;) I will read this more tomorrow once I have time. Thank you LR for starting this thread!
I forgot to mention biting in my post! Shame on me.

Being a sub is very tricky because there's a lot of trust involved plus it's difficult to get what you need when someone isn't intially inclined to be your Dom... but it's great to hear you're getting into it! ^_^ Good for you!
 
Thank you! I trust him completely, and he the same with me. I told him to bluntly tell me if I am crossing the line, or close to it. I don't want to hurt him, so I rely on him to tell me honestly. And so far, he's told me when something is not pleasant, so I know to not do that. I do hope one day to learn from others in person, but for now we're going slowly on our own :)
 
Thank you! I trust him completely, and he the same with me. I told him to bluntly tell me if I am crossing the line, or close to it. I don't want to hurt him, so I rely on him to tell me honestly. And so far, he's told me when something is not pleasant, so I know to not do that. I do hope one day to learn from others in person, but for now we're going slowly on our own :)
Good communication is key. I also advise info like this http://en.allexperts.com/q/BDSM-2733/2011/6/tips-understanding.htm just to get ideas to slip more naturally into such things...
 
I'M DOOMED.

So there's my two cents, for what they're worth.
Naw, you aren't. My boyfriend couldn't be Dom to me if you paid him-in so many ways. But, my husband, he enjoys it. It's not likely to find every detail of what you want/need in one person-but actually, opening up to having more than one person raises the chances of getting all of your needs met.

I'm a switch-and I am actually my boyfriend's Dom and it works out well. With him it's almost ALL psychological. Hes not into pain or bondage at all.

But, with my husband I am the sub and there is a little bit of everything thrown in there-except outright humiliation. That is a hard limit I laid out-no blatant and intentional humiliation.

This is a greatly interesting thread. G is into a bit of D/S, with me being the Dom. I'm still very new to it, so we're slowly trying new things. Right now he is most happy with slapping, spanking, biting, hair pulling, etc. Being told what to do and where/when. Not a lot of pain. It's what he craves and needs from me, sexually. I'm actually getting into it, it's a huge turn on to tell him what to do ;) I will read this more tomorrow once I have time. Thank you LR for starting this thread!
You're welcome. ;) So long ago this thread was started! LMAO! I was surprised to see it pop up in the "todays posts" list!

Feel free to ask me anything if something comes up. there's LOTS LOTS LOTS I don't know-but I've managed to get a good collection of links to people or places who do. :)
 
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