So new to this!!!

Please don't be so ...nice...

Your days are Thursdays? Then if she schedules stuff on your date night, she should be going to things by herself. He really needs to be putting his foot down and saying he has plans. One things that's a dealbreaker in my book is a partner breaking plans for reasons that aren't good. As she knows when his date nights with others are, she needs to be scheduling around that if she wants him along (really, I don't understand why, unless they are primary partners, that he would be going to her medical appointments?)

He doesn't sound like he has very good boundaries. If he hasn't already bought her ticket, I think I would ask him to not take her, and schedule a cruise with her a different time, as she seems to possibly be trying to interfere with your and his relationship. I'd probably ask him to stop talking about his relationship with her, cause nobody wants to hear somebody whine about how they feel sorry for somebody they are dating and want to dump them but wont cause...blah, really I think to be juggling that many relationships well you have to have a spine.

Really, if she goes on the cruise and DOESN'T cause drama, you could knock me over with a feather.
 
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I have debated on whether or not to cancel her ticket. I was the one who had to book them. I am glad to get all of the feedback. I thought I was being oversensitive about her behavior. i called him on it and he said it would never happen again. i was pretty pissed off. I am not always nice and he has been fairly warned of what could happen if she acts up. No, she is not the primary. I was not the primary but according to some of the others, I seem to have taken the postion. The ones who have been with hin the longest are unhappy to say the least. He and I are very good together and so at home with each other. In the relatively short time we have been together, he has already mentioned me meeting his kids and family and we discussed marriage. he is very good to me for the most part just sometimes oblivious to feelings in general as if he doesn't understand why it hurts my feelings. I may have a chat with him about cancelling the ticket for the cruise. I think I have been nice enough!
 
OK, I feel a bit mean cause of course I'd go to Doctor's appointments with friends and whatnot, but still, I wouldn't cancel plans with a partner on the ONLY day of the week they were free when it was known to everybody that it was our date night unless it was really important.

I am a bit concerned that (maybe more than a bit) about what you say about some of his other partners being unhappy. Have you heard this from them? Are you communicating with them? If you're hearing it from him, do his other partners say it's fine that he's discussing their private feelings with you? It also is possible he is handling his NRE with you so badly that he's not treating them as well as he has in the past, and that's why they aren't happy. I personally feel him talking to you about wanting to break up with the one woman is a red flag. How would you feel if you found out he was talking to his other partners about you like that some day?

Do you KNOW any of his other partners? I think that it is great you and he are happy together and all, but it seems that if you are discussing marriage when you haven't met his children or the other important people in his life, just may mean you two are living in a giddy cloud of NRE and not being realistic. (Maybe you have met them, but from your limited time you have free it seems like probably not - I've heard often that meeting metamours helps bad feelings from forming, when you've met this other person and know that they are nice and kind and not a threat).

I think since the tickets have been purchased, maybe you need to go ahead and go through with it. You DID ok the idea after all. Maybe seeing the realism of his life, and how he handles and juggles his partners, time and actions would give you a better idea what to expect if you end up building a life together.
 
Well, here goes. He now wants to bring another one on the cruise. I am really hurt by this. It completely nullifies anything that was supposed to happen in the beginning.

yes I communicate with one other whom he has gotten kind of mean about. She has been with him for over 3 yrs and is very unhappy. The NRE thing, is over. Hell, at this rate, the whole relationship may come apart quickly. His primary is very unhappy and so is the one I talk to. Its sad. I am sure at one time these women were very important to him. I wonder if it will happen to me and yes, i do wonder if he talks about me in a derogatory manner to the others. I know he doesn't to the one I talk to, he may to the others.


signed,
pretty fed up!
 
At least you seem to be more in reality now! There are tons of red flags here!
 
Yes, dear......the red flags have been a wavin!!! I just love the man so much that I don't want to leave. I think it is just a matter of how much shit I will take before I do. Its not a matter of "if" but "when". I deserve a really goos guy.....someone who respects my feelings as much as I do theirs.

thanks to everyone!!
 
I personally feel him talking to you about wanting to break up with the one woman is a red flag.

"Yeah baby, we can be together, just as soon as I leave my wife."

Poly or not, he sounds like one of "those" guys.

Well, here goes. He now wants to bring another one on the cruise. I am really hurt by this. It completely nullifies anything that was supposed to happen in the beginning.

Yeah. Hon? He's a capital Player. The way he treats the other women is 100% the way he will eventually treat you, and is already starting to. You're not a shiny new toy anymore.

I say: He wants to bring another woman on the cruise? Let her have your ticket, tell him you're done with this bullshit, and you spend Valentines with people who really care about you.
 
I'm just praying that by "You booked the tickets" you don't mean you used your own credit card, on some kind of promise of him paying you back?
 
no, I have his credit card and he paid for all of it but, because I am a frequent flyer on the cruise lines, the bookings are under my name. I booked them. I have already thought about just not going and letting him have them. I just know this is not the way I thought polyamorous relationships were supposed to be.
 
I just love the man so much that I don't want to leave. I think it is just a matter of how much shit I will take before I do.
Sometimes loving someone just ain't enough, hon. You can love him all you want but, at the end of the day, are you being treated with respect, kindness, and caring? Are your needs and feelings being considered? Are your communications honest?

And besides, where is your love for yourself? That should come first. When you are your own primary, you make choices that are based in self-respect and honor who you are and what you need.


I really wish I had someone to spend vday with.....
Oh, please don't buy into that bullshit. Valentine's Day is really not important. It's a fake holiday and only means what you want it to mean. Spend a day with good friends who love and care about you or give yourself a spa day.
 
If it's any consolation, I'm spending Valentine's evening writing a midterm, and my husband will be 800 km way.
 
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Does he feel sorry for all the other women in his life? Is this why there ae so many? Because he collects women that can't take care of themselves and he likes to take care of women that are kittens trapped up a tree? Is he just too much of a sucker that he can't say goodbye because he doesn't want to hurt their feelings? He is anyway isn't he, by stringing them all along? GAH, this is bizarre to me. What is it with this guy? Sorry dolphindream, I know you love him, but what is the story here?
 
Hi Redpepper,
Basically after my own analysis of him, he is not truly poly, he is a sex addict. As far as feeling sorry for S., she has medical issues and is broke because she can't work so he feels sorry for her. She begged to go on the cruise due to the fact that she could never afford one herself, to which I said Horseshit! I told him that most of the cruises I have been on I made less than 10 bucks an hour and we planned them in advance to save and pay for them. She is simply convenient. Her house is close to his office, he is a sex addict, you do the math. I spoke with him last night and he suggested to bring her friend along to entertain her.....good idea asI am not budging an inch on the deal that we have made. He agreed that she would need someone to hang out with. While I do believe he loves some of us and cares for the rest, he is not truly poly. It is much more of a sex addiction and he admitted to me last night that he just can't seem to go for that long having just one woman sexually. His true motivation for bringing her along.

Ain't love grand!!!!
 
Red Flags everywhere.....is this really love?? I'm probably older than you...not sure how old you are. But after a while, what happens in life, you can look back and realize that you've been "in love" so many times. Infatuation....new relationships energy....lust......love......it's easy to confuse these things. What I do know....now that I'm older is this. I don't care how much I LOVE someone. When I realize that they are unhealthy- I move away from them and go through the grieving process. There are 4 main issues that can not be overcome and when a person encounters one or more of these issues.....pretty much the relationship is doomed......Those issues are adultery (deceit), addiction, abuse and abandonment. Why would you want to make a conscious decision to pursue a relationship with an addict?? I can't believe you are moving forward with this. I suspect that if you really understood addiction, you would run not walk in the opposite direction. It might be a good idea to learn about addiction.
 
Basically, you've become like a drug for him. A sex addict is not going to be able to experience a healthy loving relationship. The question is; why would you settle for this? What is keeping you from pursuing something healthier?
 
From what I know, having done some research because of a thread here (maybe there is something in the tags? "Sex addiction" maybe?), sex addiction is more about being compelled to have sex so often that the person is not of interest. In fact, from what I have heard, people with sex addictions very rarely leave their on line porn. They don't want the relationship AT ALL, just to get off.

To me it doesn't sound like he has a sex addiction, he sounds like a man that sees sex and love separately maybe. He needs her (and others)for the sexual satisfaction and maybe you (and others) for the love. The two likely cross over sometimes. If that's his poly then that his poly. No one has a right to tell him otherwise, he just needs to be upfront about his game.

Can't fault him for getting his needs met. The thing is that you would have to agree to his boundaries and you don't seem to be. If this isn't working for you then I would be asking for some clear boundaries about when others are around and dividing time up better. If he can't/won't do that because it cuts into his feeling sorry for someone (a lie I suspect, as I bet he will deal out to fuck her) then maybe its time to move on.
 
Hi Red pepper,
thanks for the feedback. I think you may be right and too late. Yesterday Suzanne emailed me with all of this crap about fighting me for him. I lowered the boom and told him simply her or me. The gloves are off, I am tired of this bitch emailing me all the time with her shit. I told him I was through, he could choose. He asked if he could still take Tammy on the cruise, I said yes because she has never been anything but nice. I don't mind the 3some thing, just sick of Suzanne trying to control him and me. If he tries to change up on me. I am outta here. This has become too much shit for a nickel.

thanks everyone
 
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