A life alien to your own (Our Blog)

Well-- looks like for the time being we are back to just us.
It seems she DOES care about me too much to do the alone thing.
So while I am happy that she feels that way, I feel guilt that I could not deal well with it in time.
And I am afraid I have lost all hope of maintaining a friendship with her.

UUUGGGHHH I am so ready to stop feeling bad. Am I paying 10 fold for the heaven we had? I just want that happiness again. For both or even just one of us- I could deal in time. I just want everyone to be happy.
 
lost

I still cant believe we lost, & im still dying inside.

I wonder if she even realizes what she threw away today...

I don't see her growing up enough to fight for what she wants before it's too late.

But every time I try to do ANYTHING with her now, she will say yes, then not show up, or have an excuse why she can't or won't..

Today was the last day I could take of it, it just hurts too much each time...
 
a note

heather sent her a letter today I had to share...

Hi Sweetie.
If it is ok I would like to talk. I owe it to you to tell you the truth and not hide anything, and all i ask is that you listen. No more than that, ok? I will not push you into anything- I am not looking to change your mind or bring you back. As a friend, I just want to talk. That's all.

First let me start by saying that i DO miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss my friend. But you know that already. You were a good friend to me. And you still are. And I do and always will consider you part of our family, and I take care of my family. That will never change. And I CAN love you as a friend, and as family. And I believe that you can understand that because I know you care for me. Lets keep in mind here that there are many kinds of love. Perhaps when I said I love you, That is what I meant. I love LOTS of people. And when I say I love you it can mean many different things. I never meant to scare you away when i said that to you.

I have been doing A LOT of soul searching in the last week and I would like you to know and understand WHY I changed my mind about alone time, if that is ok. Just so you understand. I am not going to try and change your mind or push you into anything you do not want to do.

It is in my nature to FIX people.

I was grieving for the loss of what you brought to our lives, and yes. I was sad when it was over. For the most part I keep sadness to myself and deal with it on my own.
My sadness ended and changed into "fix" mode when I knew kris was feeling the same sadness I was. We held each other and I did everything I could to try and fix the problem on my own. I can not STAND seeing him sad or unhappy in ANY way.
I became desperate to make his hurt go away, and even though you and I had not been talking, I know you are sad and hurt over all this as well. And while it is NOT the same as the love I have for Kris- the love I have for you is stronger than I have for most friends, and the need I felt to fix YOU was almost as strong as the need to fix kris.
So I re-evaluated myself. I re-evaluated the situation.
In all honesty, I really do not mind if you guys have alone time. I never REALLY did. What scared me most was that I would push myself out completely of both of your lives by allowing that.
But I know better. I know you both love me just as much as I love you, and that even if alone time was allowed- YOU guys would never allow me to be pushed out. And I was silly to ever doubt that.
That being said I COULD never allow that to happen with anyone else. I trust the both of you. I trust that you both care about and love me, and That is what I was afraid of loosing.
Once I realized I would not be loosing anything, I was ok. I realize it more and more with each day. And alone time for you guys seems more like a beautiful thing for the two people I care so much for rather than a death sentence now.
I EVEN, even though I doubt that either of you would allow it to happen, would understand, and I have said this before, but I do not think anyone really HEARS me- Love can change and there are MANY ways to love someone, and I would step away if the love between you to ever got to that point... I would give you guys my blessing, and I would stay in your lives and I would be ok. I know you do not want that to happen- I know He does not want that to happen, But it happens sometimes.
AND I also know that I am awesome enough that I would not be alone for long. I DO have a lot to offer, and if I have offered all I can in this relationship, it simply means I have done my job and fulfilled the purpose that God put me here to complete. How could I have a problem with that?
Love is a blessing. All the many variations of it. And I am very very loved, and I am lucky. Too lucky to be selfish with it.

Sooooooooo-- If you are only holding back because you are worried you will hurt me, know that can not happen. The dynamic of the triangle can change and still be beautiful.

As long as I still have my friend through all of this I will be ok... And THAT is the truth. THAT is why I changed my mind, and whether it changes anything or not, I wanted to let you know.
Every thing will be ok, sweetie. And I want to say thankyou for caring me and loving me in your way.

:)
So stop being a stranger and txt me sometime, ok? And do not run away from Kris, please. Even he would rather be friends than nothing else and while it wil take him time, I will help him, if that is the way you would prefer it. But it hurts him that you guys can not talk anymore. I can understand that. Do not make it harder for him by pushing away completely, please. What we all had was far far to beautiful to let it end badly. If it has to end- let's do it right.
 
Truthfully, there's something in your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, which make me a bit squeamish.
I wonder if she even realizes what she threw away today...

I don't see her growing up enough to fight for what she wants before it's too late.

But every time I try to do ANYTHING with her now, she will say yes, then not show up, or have an excuse why she can't or won't..

Maybe she's acquiescing to your requests and then backing out of it because perhaps you're coming across like you're guilt-tripping her? And isn't it a bit... hmm, arrogant or disrespectful in a way, for lack of better words, sorry... to assume that she doesn't realize what she is walking away from just because she is walking away? Perhaps she knows full well and is making the choice anyway.

To me, it sounds like she has given her actions much thought and from a mature perspective:

. . . She was so attentive to my feelings. She never did anything without making sure I was 100% ok with it first. We would make jokes that we were going to run away together just me and her. . . . Obviously at this point our view of her as being a fun new toy had changed into one of pure love and adoration. We were willing to give her our lives.

Then rather suddenly after a few months of heaven something changed. . . . She did tell me then she was having feelings for him and she was just trying to deal with jealousy of her own . . . She loved me enough to not want these feelings that were arising in her for him. . . . She assured me that she was NOT here to take him away from me and she had no intention of ever allowing that to happen. . . . She cared enough about me to step out of the picture in the end. . . . She was not Bi. She was young.


It seems she was being very considerate when she chose to leave the relationship. I know you all had feelings of love for each other, but the sentence I bolded above stood out for me, and when I read your posts, I just get the sense that there is still an element somewhere in you of losing a toy or possession. She is standing up for yourself and you two seem rather offended as well as hurt.

If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I hope you don't mind my honest feedback. I am offering it in the spirit of helpfulness.
 
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I see what you mean, and I will speak for myself:

See when we started this it really was- FOR ALL OF US- nothing more than sex. A fun threesome, and I myself (seeing as I was SOOOOO MONO) HAD to think of her as nothing more than a toy to make myself ok with it. I did not know her at all before we started this, so I was easily able to view her as some stranger coming in just for sex, because to me that is all she was.

Then that did change.
I started to hang out with her and we developed a friendship, and above all else that is what I miss the most. We became each others shoulders to cry on and I want to say there were, with the bond that we created between her and I things we could share with each other that we felt we could not tell anyone else.

When I mourn for her, I mourn for the friendship, not the sex.
And that is what makes the best relationships, after all- being able to be a friend to your lover. I tend to think that had we started as friends INSTEAD of lovers this would have ended quite differently- at least on better terms where we may still continue to talk.

Well, it was our first go at it, and we learned a lot and I do not regret any of it. My main hope at this point is that SHE not regret any of it either because there was something magic there.

And in any future ventures into a unicorn search WILL start differently, and you are right- The view I had of her in the start was very very wrong, and I am very disappointed in myself that I ever allowed myself to view anyone in that manner. I never had before, and I swear to every God everywhere I will never ever allow myself to think of another person so shallowly again.
 
Truthfully, there's something in your posts that I can't quite put my finger on, which make me a bit squeamish.


Maybe she's acquiescing to your requests and then backing out of it because perhaps you're coming across like you're guilt-tripping her? And isn't it a bit... hmm, arrogant or disrespectful in a way, for lack of better words, sorry... to assume that she doesn't realize what she is walking away from just because she is walking away? Perhaps she knows full well and is making the choice anyway.

To me, it sounds like she has given her actions much thought and from a mature perspective:



It seems she was being very considerate when she chose to leave the relationship. I know you all had feelings of love for each other, but the sentence I bolded above stood out for me, and when I read your posts, I just get the sense that there is still an element somewhere in you of losing a toy or possession. She is standing up for yourself and you two seem rather offended as well as hurt.

If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I hope you don't mind my honest feedback. I am offering it in the spirit of helpfulness.

I agree, & I know Im fucked up & not thinking right now, & I dont mind the honest feedback at all.
So I am leaving her alone, still being friends, I just keep what I think to myself now because I know im not thinking rationally.

& Im not really offended at all, more surprised than anything else. But She DID care enough to move away & Everyone cared enough to not cause a scene.

I also agree with Heather, its the relationship I miss, not the sex.

But Thank you nycindie for your thoughts, I will think on them more for sure.
 
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If I were you two, I'd leave her alone for a while. That big long letter was a bit much, IMHO. And I am someone who has written letters like that and realized that they tend to be overkill, or rub salt in the wound, or add drama to a situation. Be with your feelings of loss, examine them, and give yourselves some time before jumping into something with a third again. You don't need to "replace" her right away.

I agree, and I have been ok with stepping back. I thought we should have given her space after we had our group talk that ended it, and new that over time I could still have a friendship with her and it would not have been odd.

Then I saw how badly kris was handling it, and I started to wonder... All she had asked for was alone time with him, and I had been selfish, and afraid to allow that. I KNEW it would cut me out of something I wanted to share with her too. I had not really thought out my response on that issue and been able to weigh all options before I answered to that. Then after it was all said and done, I was able to clear my mind, get over the feelings and fear i was having, and make myself ok with all possibilities that could come of the choice to say yes. Then i told kris, and I felt like she needed to hear it from me with explanations as to WHY I would say ok now after I was so dead set on NO WAY. She was owed an explanation, so she could make her choice herself.

And I HAVE been able to talk with her some after all this mess, Nothing about the letter, but I know she read it. She has also read our blog. It all involves her as well, so she has the right to know it all.

I cant help thinking we should have done what we said we would do and let her go when she was ready.
We have to let her go.
I CAN let her go, because I love her. Just like I CAN let him go if I ever was asked to.
 
I agree, & I know Im fucked up & not thinking right now, & I dont mind the honest feedback at all.
So I am leaving her alone, still being friends, I just keep what I think to myself now because I know im not thinking rationally.

I also agree with Heather, its the relationship I miss, not the sex.


Do NOT keep your feelings to yourself. That is what I am here for and everyone else here too... We can help you sort out those thoughts.

Love can mess up a persons rational mind quite a bit, and that is NOT a bad thing!!!
 
Update

So we did slowly begin to search again, expecting it to be a forever long search. But we did get several replies from OKcupid (2 seem serious) & we looked at a couple of girls at work, even went on a date with one.

One of the girls is pushing for a decision already & is somewhat hurt we are talking to more than one person. We did explain that we sent out a lot of messages at first, expecting NO replies & that we were not contacting any new people. And we never hid the fact we were talking to more than one person.

But it still got odd there for a couple of days, until we told them both we were not at all ready for it to move that fast yet. And that we were not looking for just playtime, we were looking for a relationship.

Oddly enough that same day, the girlfriend I had before heather sent me a message out of the blue to let me know that I had "broke her heart" & that when I told her Heather was pregnant that it crushed her. But all of that was SO MANY years ago that it struck me as odd she would pick that day to say something about it.

M is slowly beginning to be able to talk to me again & I still enjoy spending time with her, but it's not the same now & it will never be again... She looks so sad & sounds so hollow sometimes, but it is good to spend time with her again.

This weekend we plan to go to Austin to meet one of these girls, then in about 10 days another will be moving here from New York & we will meet her too...

Just kinda drifting for now, like we got in a car without knowing where it's going & were just along for the ride now...

All in all, life is good now...
 
FINALLY catching up on your story and just want to comment on how impressive the progress you've made and the frankness with which you are willing to gauge your emotions and expectations are.

PM me your okc profile name if you will so we can check out that Match % :p.
 
Sigh... Im so confused.

@ BlackUnicorn- I am so happy you got a chance to join our little universe! LOL. Advice from someone on your side of the triads would be very helpful.



So new developments and my thoughts on them...

We are no longer talking to one of our "serious" prospects from OKc. She was the one pushing so hard to be the only one we were talking to and it turns out she is just not "soft" enough for us. She was alot of fun to talk to, and might make a fun shopping buddy, but that is about it. And I am ok with that. I did not feel the pull for her.

Our other new buddy and I have been getting closer through txts and messages. She calls in the middle of the night when she has had a bad dream, and she makes me feel better. Almost happy. Our oldest sees me checking my phone for the latest text and when i giggle she shakes her head and mumbles mom must be chatting with one of her many girlfriends again.
her life is VERY different from the one we lead though and that worries me a little. I wonder how well she will fit in with our lives. But she is super sweet and when i get sad about something or frustrated I find myself grabbing my phone to txt her again so she can make me feel better.

BUT.. all those great things considered... I still miss our "M". Even though she still will not talk to me at all. Kris has been able to go out with her... take her out for ice cream, which I am trying VERY hard not to be jealous over... The trust for her is gone, and so jealousy is harder to keep at bay.I find myself wondering what her motives are. Why, when she knows how much we hurt over her, would she out of the blue txt kris and ask HIM to go to a pool party. Not US.. HIM. And while I encourage Kris and tell him it is ok. Go ahead. She wants you to be there. She misses you and you miss her.. Go... it is like fresh rejection for me every time. She sends him good morning and good night txts like she used to again, but I get nothing.
But when I try to picture me kissing and being held by our new friend, the image always changes to her. When my new girlie asks me what kind of things should we do when i come down I start spouting out things, not even realizing until it is out that I am mentioning things I did with "M" when times were good.

But what is extra great about New girlie... She knows all this, and she is patient enough to wait for healing to happen. She does not rush or push us. She seems to genuinely care, and is willing to go as slow as we need or even just remain friends if that is all it becomes. And that may very well be all that is in the cards for her... Its hard to tell right yet.

We did not expect when we started looking again that it would not be a lack of people willing to try, (or even ue us as an experiment to see what this strange lifestyle is so appealing to us) but the search for the right chemistry with someone.. times 3. And now I truly understand why they are called unicorns. Its not at all the lack of Bi girls looking for fun or even romance, it's the lack of the right girl to fit perfectly in the mix with us together.

Who ever you are out there.. we will find you, and I apologize for all the fixing and mending of broken hearts you will have set before you! But we know you are out there, and perhaps you are already closer than we may think.
 
Why I think vees are less stressful at first is that you don't have to spend extra time thinking 'OMG is someone feeling excluded?' Seriously, you are cuddling with one on the sofa and then the other comes and sits on the sofa right next to you. What do you? Cuddle both? Time cuddle moments so that everyone is cuddled an equal amount of time? That's why I prefer one-on-one time so much more, because you can totally focus on the person you are with. Family time is less stressful too when you are not expected to date both at the same time.
 
Im in desperate need for someone to slap me right now.

It's taking every ounce of my being to NOT text her and tell her I love her. I can't seem to get her off my mind today.

I HAVE to find a way to stop loving her. But I did.. I do.. I always will, regardless of everything. I MUST find a way to stop wanting her. Stop the dreams I have so often of her holding me and telling me she loves me..
Stop trying to imagine someone else in HER place and make it someone else's place now.

Sigh...

How do you stop loving someone when you do not even know WHY you love them in the first place?
 
How do you stop loving someone when you do not even know WHY you love them in the first place?
There is no reason why. Love is like gravity; it's an attraction that pulls one toward another simply because they exist, just like gravity keeps planets and moons in orbit, in relation to each other for no other reason than that they exist.

It's futile to try to stop loving someone. Love is inside you and always there and that person just forged a path to your heart. Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.
 
Why I think vees are less stressful at first is that you don't have to spend extra time thinking 'OMG is someone feeling excluded?' Seriously, you are cuddling with one on the sofa and then the other comes and sits on the sofa right next to you. What do you? Cuddle both? Time cuddle moments so that everyone is cuddled an equal amount of time? That's why I prefer one-on-one time so much more, because you can totally focus on the person you are with. Family time is less stressful too when you are not expected to date both at the same time.


Group cuddles were the the best though. It's one of the things I miss the most. Because being held by 2 sets of arms.. being smothered in the safe loving feeling was intoxicating.
But separate, when there are 3 and not 4.. someone will always get left out, and that is the truth of it. As long as everyone takes turns being the odd man out it all gets canceled out and things even out nicely. It's only when it becomes the same person to get left out, and has no arms around them anymore that hurt starts to happen.. That the alone feeling sets in, and becomes so intensified by the nature of the triad....

I am really seeing the error in my own ways by not allowing them to have alone time when they wanted it. By not being able to see beyond the fear of loosing everything I had. If I could go back right this min there would be no tears shed. All she wanted was what I got everynight after she went home. I was very selfish.
 
There is no reason why. Love is like gravity; it's an attraction that pulls one toward another simply because they exist, just like gravity keeps planets and moons in orbit, in relation to each other for no other reason than that they exist.

It's futile to try to stop loving someone. Love is inside you and always there and that person just forged a path to your heart. Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.

I ADORE this and I will carry this with me forever. Thankyou. :)
 
Eventually that path will become overgrown with wildflowers and weeds, and won't feel so present, but it will still be there. All you can do is be grateful for what you had, and for the memories, and move forward in your life. Eventually, others will come along and create their own paths to your heart.

In the middle of the journey of our lives, I came to a dark forest, where the clear path had been lost...
--Dante
 
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