Newbie ethical issue

VeronicaE

New member
Hi there

I've been researching the files, but I couldn't find one on this specifically.
It's kind of difficult to for me ask, silly as it is.

I know I love my husband. We've been discussing poly/open marriage for a year now.
I know who my other romantic interest is, and so does my husband.

Still, I met someone whom I would happily have recreational sex with (I had very few sexual partners in my life, so it's kind of thrilling for me). I don't think that's wrong in itself. My husband is also aware of this.

The question is he's married and cheating. If I go ahead, I would be his accomplice, so to speak. And I don't like that. But I'm talking recreational sex here. Should be held responsible for the way he handles his relationship with his wife? Still, I would be part of it, somehow, so I can't make up my mind...

I would very much like to hear you views on this.

Warm regards,

Veronica
 
I'm sure you'll get a variety of responses on this one. And everybody seems to have their own take on it.

For ME... I won't date somebody who is married and is not in an open relationship, in that his wife knows he's seeing ME, and hopefully I would talk to her before anything happened to make sure she's REALLY on the same page.

In my opinion, someone who is cheating on their spouse is being dishonest, disrespectful and selfish. These are qualities they are expressing to the one person that supposedly means so much to them. Why would I think they would not at some point express those same qualities to me? If someone is dishonest with their spouse, they are comfortable being dishonest and secretive and I can only expect they will be the same way with me and that's not something I want or need in my life.

The whole "well he lies to HER, but not to me", or "he cheated on HER, but won't on me" pattern that sometimes women (not implying YOU) get into is just nonsensical.

That's the selfish reason. The other reason is that I just don't think I can separate myself from being a part of somebody else's humiliation, misery, suffering and drama, if I'm playing an active part in the scenario that creates that. No, it's not up to you to handle his relationship with his wife, but if you knowingly go into that relationship KNOWING she is being lied to, cheated on and disrespected you ARE playing a part.

Some people have no issues with that, or are better able to separate their responsibilities from others'. I can't.

And lastly... it will blow up on him at some point, and when it does, how much of the blowback do you want to be caught up in?

Again... just my opinion on the matter...
 
I've been that person and have written a lot about it on here. Over two and a half years after the affair and I still can't forgive myself for hurting someone I didn't even know (her husband).

It's not worth it...it damages you.
 
What Minxxa and Mono said...

And my two cents.

For me, it's moral to have responsible, ethical casual or recreational sex. But those two words are critical. I would not be involved sexually with someone who would be cheating on a partner. I meet the significant others at some point, openly, as a potential interest, and they meet my SOs, particularly my wife who is my primary relationship.

You are certainly not responsible for how he handles his relationship with his wife. However you are responsible for any relationship you have with him. Even for a casual fling, this is a terrible foundation. I would lose respect for myself. Would you? What about your husband? Being perfectly ok with non-monogamy may not extend to approving of you helping another man cheat. I would be concerned about losing the respect of my spouse.

And even if your prospective fling never tells her, never gets 'caught' - you would be in a relationship with her too. She just doesn't know it. Why in the world would you want such drama in your life? I urge you to run, not walk, from this situation.

As someone who's dated men and women, I've learned that men, bless their hearts, are easy. There are scores and scores of men out there who would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to be your recreational plaything who are not married or committed, or, if they are, their wife/SO is hip, onboard, and totally down with the situation. In fact, she would love to have you over for tea and girl talk. (Ok, I exaggerate about the tea part.) In fact, to get interest, all you have to do is sign up on an online dating site as "female". Seriously, that's it. You will have no trouble finding potential casual sex partners among men. (Women-different story but cheating still not a good idea.) So, again, run, do not walk, away from this man. There is no upside for you.
 
Do you really want to be the reason a man lies to his wife, someone he supposedly loves? Turn the tables - how would you feel if you found out your husband had lied to you, covered up his actions and desires, and manipulated situations so he could go stick his dick in someone else's slit?

Personally, I could not be a party to such dishonesty.
 
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I'll echo the other posters. Not a good idea. Not worth it.
 
I just don't think I can separate myself from being a part of somebody else's humiliation, misery, suffering and drama, if I'm playing an active part in the scenario that creates that.

No, I don't want that on my conscience, actually.
 
Hi VeronicaE,

It's not that an uncommon experience I think what you are going through. My brother is going through the exact same thing at the moment. He is single, but has developed an attraction to a married woman and she is really keen to move ahead with him, but he is uncomfortable with the secrecy etc and so is slowing things down and encouraging her to talk to her husband. They are virtually separated but living under the one roof. She comes from a strong religious family and it is very difficult for her to talk to her husband and family, but ideally this would be best...

But it is not a black and white situation.

Does the guy who you are interested in want to be with his wife? Are they married but essentially separated? Does he actually love both of you?

The healthiest scenario for all concerned is openness and honesty. But that is not always possible for all concerned for many different reasons. Only you know your situation in all its complexities - trust your gut instinct and let it lead you...
 
Thank you all for taking the time to answer.
It's what I needed to hear to make up my mind and nip it in the bud. I consider myself somewhat repressed, so I though maybe I was overreacting or something. I guess I have to trust myself more on these matters.
Mono, I'll search your posts.
Opalescent, you made me laugh :). But you also reminded me the sea is full of fish, thanks!
 
*ahem* I've had some luck with plenty of fish.com. It's not a website that I would recommend if you wanted a serious relationship, and you will have to be very clear that you do not want to help someone cheat. However, I did meet Oil Man there and have gone on some fun dates. It's free too.
 
I have to say, too... that I understand the disappointment. I don't get attracted to people very easily and over the past 10ish years, I've only had some "I wanna" feelings for a few people. None of them were in the position to move forward and it was disappointing because yes, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but for some reason I don't connect that way very often.

Still, I feel better about it in the long run. Disappointed, but able to live with myself! LOL
 
Well, my opinion is pretty much covered here. Really destructive idea. If I were you I would tell this person why I wouldn't involve myself with him as a heads up that he has major work to do and life changes to make. He is on a path to major destruction, pain, cruelty and a whole lot of craziness. Why not change it up and take the healthy root and get about fixing his relationship or leaving.

You might want to do a tag search for "cheating" there are some really good stories and discussions here that could help him and you.
 
I have to say, too... that I understand the disappointment. I don't get attracted to people very easily and over the past 10ish years, I've only had some "I wanna" feelings for a few people. None of them were in the position to move forward and it was disappointing because yes, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but for some reason I don't connect that way very often.

Yeah... when I wrote here, I thought "maybe there's a viewpoint, an aspect of it that makes it alright to go ahead, and I'm just failing to see it". But it seems there wasn't, darn! :D
 
You might want to do a tag search for "cheating" there are some really good stories and discussions here that could help him and you.

I will.
I do not feel like talking him into anything, though (meaning poly). I don't intend to be a poly-activist (except for translating to Spanish some books on the subject, maybe, which would benefit a lot of people who don't speak English).
 
I will.
I do not feel like talking him into anything, though (meaning poly). I don't intend to be a poly-activist (except for translating to Spanish some books on the subject, maybe, which would benefit a lot of people who don't speak English).

I don't think you'd be talking him into anything. It might be helpful to him to have that conversation with you and actually consider why he was thinking about cheating in the first place. If he has feelings that can't be contained by an exclusive monogamous relationship, they're not going to go away just because you do. You both shouldn't presume how his girlfriend will react either. Vale la pena!

I am involved with someone who passed through that scenario once before we met and have worked with him quite a bit on honestly and seeing that there are other options outside of the mono/cheating model. It's really not self-evident in this culture.
 
I'm with polyexplorer on this one. I fell in love with my married neighbor (and his wife and I were friends). Do I feel guilty about our affair? Not one bit. She was horrible to him. I saw it first hand. The way I see it? I did her a FAVOR. She has tried to turn around and blame it all on me -- interesting, as she is with someone new and appears to be very happy with him...

Anyway, true -- it's not black and white. Follow your own conscience.
 
Thanks to everybody for responding.
I basically sent him away on the grounds that he was cheating on his wife.

Still, I have this uneasy feeling about myself now.
I feel it's patronizing to tell someone how to live their life. And I feel I kind of placed myself above him, in a way, by implying: "I'm superior because I'm honest and you're a cheater". And I don't like that... :(

Well, just that. I guess this is no black or white subject.
 
It's not patronizing to take care of yourself. You are not holding yourself as superior - just saying 'This situation is not for me.' He can go do whatever he wants. Don't be uneasy over putting your ethics first. It's what an adult has to do to be authentic and loving.
 
^^ I agree.

You weren't telling him what to do with his life (as if he'd listen anyway, if you were); you were only saying what works for you. It's not saying you're superior as much as it's saying you're ethical. You might even have done him a favor by it and made him think some more about it, perhaps have him look inward a bit and come to terms with his choices, who knows? But you can hold your head high knowing you did what's right for YOU. Good for you. You don't owe him anything.
 
I know you've already come to your decision, but just needed to say this: Don't ever be anyone else's dirty little secret. Been there. done that. got the t-shirt. Not worth the demoralization to your self worth in the end. I finally ended things with him a few months ago and ahve never been happier.
 
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