Right now I need a good sleep. I haven't slept and neither has he. Talking and laying there quietly awake all night. Over come with emotion.
Exactly, and yes, I have asked him to tell anyone who asks that this is my issue. Would I prefer she wasn't around at all? Hell yeah! I loved my mono bf being all mine. Stupid, huh? I feel like an idiot for falling for that bullshit. A victim of our cultural programming. Embarrassing. I feel stupid and embarrassed.So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust. Maybe if you explain it that way more people would understand.
He kept it from me, thought he could deal with it himself, thought he would get over her or it would just be hidden and I wouldn't notice.
Thing is I did and asked about it over and over... and he said nothing.
You should just suck it up and not address how it came about?
Oh please. That's ridiculous and not beneficial to anyone, not even Mono.
Well, as I understand, you had an agreement and he didn't hold to it, and if he had told you about it when it first happened you would have walked through it together. So the problem isn't the concept of him being with someone else but the idea that he went behind your back, and the breach of trust.
I am sorry to hear that you two have hit a rough patch.
Could this be the result of these hard ideological positions, mono vs poly? He's stated numerous times, in very clever way, his adamant belief in his own monogamy and what that meant. And you think, breathe, sleep (especially sleep ) poly, and identify as poly as part of your being.
What is soft cheating?
He is one of many, 3-5, if I do the math right. All are equal in love, but those are the numbers, right? Are you concerned you will get less love from him, less time, or both ?
In your second paragraph, are you trying to project outcomes from each ideological position? You could see yourself doing this, but for different reasons. What reasons?
Seems I'm not so poly minded after all. I should never of thought I could trust that he would not ever fall for someone else. He is not the type to get attach to others in thew way I do and I trusted that.
I have been around him for three plus years now and see how much of a loner he is, how independent. [...] and him, my rock solid love that was devoted to me. I relied on that for my grounding and anchor to home, comfort and letting myself go entirely after being out in the world. It felt like monogamy to me. PN is that to me as well but in a different way. In a poly way.
[...] He has caused me to doubt all I know about what we had. It was deception and a breaking of trust. Its cheating[...]
Hope that makes sense.
... it was emotional cheating that lead him to forget everything he knows about open honest communication, integrity and empathy... Everything I value and thought he did too. He choose to shut down rather than talk to me.