disagreeing vs. "you're wrong and here's why"

Karma

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So, what's the difference between telling someone that you disagree with them on something and why that is, or why it offends or bothers you, and telling them that they are wrong about something?

Apparently, I lack the ability to disagree without making someone feel like they are wrong for their views/opinions/feelings/whatever.
 
Wow...interesting question. Are you overbearing when you disagree? Or you disagreeing with things that are personal opinion?

S - I believe in God
A- You are wrong

is a douche bag move. I don't believe in God, but to tell someone they are wrong because they do. Not good form.

This depends solely on context. In debate, you rarely tell someone they are wrong. It will get you beat like a floundering fish. You lay out your arguments and counters and a consensus is discussed.

Also, for the record "you're wrong" can be very abbrasive. If thats the wording you use, you may just have to work on your approach :D
 
Looking forward to hearing all the responses here and actually learning something.:D

My husband and I will be having a discussion and when he has a different opinion, he will say "No, ...", which immediately puts me on the defensive and what I hear is "YOU ARE WRONG!". He claims he wasn't tossing aside my opinion or trying to tell me that I'm wrong, but was just voicing his opinion, but that's the way it made me feel. Tone of voice and intensity of the statement can also trigger automatic defenses. I'm still working to get him to qualify his opinions as such. If I know upfront that he is just voicing his view and not trying to tell me I'm wrong, I can have a much more rational discussion.

I need explanations for almost everything. So when I ask him "Why are you doing it that way?" He hears "That's not the way to do that!" He immediately thinks I'm trying to criticize him. Truth is that most of the time I really want to know his reasons behind something, because I might be missing something or I just want to learn something.
 
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I think, in it's simplest form, saying that you disagree and explaining how you think or feel about something is offering information for consideration. Telling someone, however, "you're wrong," whether intended or not, is a verbal dismissal. It provokes a defensive response. When we're in defensive mode, we are not listening, we're usually rehearsing our next line. In the end, unless you're talking something concrete like, oh... 2+2=4, it's a poor communication process. We're creatures of feeling. Working through difficulties requires validation of those feelings (even if they're wrong... sometimes especially if they're wrong).

Reflective listening can be a good way of getting through the "no" or "you're wrong" communication. Purposing to first listen, understand, and communicate back to your partner what you perceive... "I hear you saying xyz. Am I understanding you correctly?" goes a long way toward dissipating rapid communication fire and escalation of bad feelings.
 
It depends whether they are wrong as to if you're able to say it. If it is something liek the existence of God which cannot be proven, to say they are wrong would be just idiotic. But there's also to way you tell them. Just being straight up and saying "you're wrong" means nothing without proof. So giving your knowedge on why it is wrong, then gives them the evidence they need to change their mind. If they still believe after that, well that's entirely up to them. You know what the real answer is and can be happy in that. I tend not to tell people they are wrong unless I know definitely, no doubt about it, that I know the real answer and have an explanation why. Otherwise, I just treat it as another opinion and respect it.
 
It helps to remember that sometimes (or often times), no matter how carefully you word it, the person to whom you are speaking is listening through their own filters of "I'm always wrong." You could treat the topic as gingerly and respectfully as possible, but if someone always sees themselves as victimized and made wrong by others, that's just their own shit. Your responsibility is to be as clear, direct, honest, and gentle as possible, acknowledging your views without pointing fingers, but you won't be heard if the other person isn't truly listening. So you really have no control over how your words are taken, just over how you communicate them. It's up to the other person to stop their internal dialogue and HEAR you.
 
Repeat what you think that they meant and ask them if it's what they meant.

Then ask if they wanted your opinion before giving it.

I think it's a good practice to ask if someone wants your opinion before giving it, often times, they don't want it.
 
Well think of it this way, if you can agree to disagree...can you agree with your debate adversary that he/she is wrong? No you can't. A debate cannot end with "well you are wrong and that is it." So I would say-and my love
2Rings argues a point to death. There is no simple, agree to disagree with him- if it is an important issue, and you and your SO are not seeing eye to eye, and compromise is your best bet...YOUR mannerism should be more diplomatic. You should never go into a negotiation without good faith or respect for the other side's opinion. Just because you have a different perspective, does not make another's POV wrong. SHouting, demeaning an emotion or POV is not productive. As amatter of fact, I have learned recently to change my tactics in an argument. Not necessarily to win (although that is ALWAYS bonus:D) but rather to minimize the discord. I HATE for an argument to linger and fester all kinds of other relationship viruses!
 
Repeat what you think that they meant and ask them if it's what they meant.

Then ask if they wanted your opinion before giving it.

I think it's a good practice to ask if someone wants your opinion before giving it, often times, they don't want it.
The way I see that is, if you don't want people having an opinion on a subject, don't start discussing that subject with them. There are people who just want to vent their frustration, but there are also those who just want to help. =]
 
if someone is being a douchebag, i'll tell them so, whether or not i agree with their opinion on a topic or issue.
 
OK, I seem to have a habit of trying to "convince" people that they are wrong when I believe they are, particularly when I think they are over-reacting or I don't understand why they are having certain feelings towards something. Telling someone who is over-reacting that they ARE over-reacting is never a good plan, and apparently neither is telling someone "you have no reason to feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way".

So, how do you guys handle those situations?
 
OK, I seem to have a habit of trying to "convince" people that they are wrong when I believe they are, particularly when I think they are over-reacting or I don't understand why they are having certain feelings towards something. Telling someone who is over-reacting that they ARE over-reacting is never a good plan, and apparently neither is telling someone "you have no reason to feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way".

So, how do you guys handle those situations?

i tell them to suck my dildo.
 
From the wifely side of this. I hear " I don't respect what you have to say. Your feelings aren't valid, so I don't care that you are having them. I am the one true way, seek salvation through me.:D"

It's more how you are saying things, not what you are saying. I can respect that you have a difference of opinion. But I feel like you don't give the same respect.

If it's a situation where health or life can be badly affected, then yes you need to stand up and tell me or whoever else we are wrong. But you need to back that up with why. " I understand you see it this way, but I feel if it goes on this way, or you choose that option something bad will happen. I think a better option may be to go about it this way. Can you see where I am coming from?"

When you immediatly come across with "You're over reacting, you're not thinking straight " I go on the defensive. And so do most people you talk with. You've set a stage for "I don't really care to hear why you feel that way, because you're an over reactive idiot"

A little respect and compassion go a long way.

One of things Cricket and I have in common, and one of the reasons your attacks bother us so much, is that when we are first upset, or first experiencing something, we need to vent. We probably aren't being rational. And at that point in time we don't care. We don't want to hear the many reasons we are wrong, we want you to listen.

I like what was said about asking if the person you are talking with wants to hear your opinion. "I hear what you're saying, would you like my take on things?" To me, in the few times you've done that, it puts me in a place where I can seperate my feelings and hear some logic. If I'm already full of emotion and now the one person I go to to vent all that out to is telling me he doesn't care, and I'm wrong, and over reacting, I'm not going to be all that receptive to what you have to say.
 
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OK, I seem to have a habit of trying to "convince" people that they are wrong when I believe they are, particularly when I think they are over-reacting or I don't understand why they are having certain feelings towards something. Telling someone who is over-reacting that they ARE over-reacting is never a good plan, and apparently neither is telling someone "you have no reason to feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way".

So, how do you guys handle those situations?

Differently everytime. I wish it could be a cookie cutter answer, but it isn't.
 
I'm not sure it would matter unless i needed the other person to do something for me. Then, as long as they do what I need or want, whether or not they think I'm wrong and how they convey that is pretty much irrelevant. You can argue about style till the cows come home, but at the end of the day if what needs to be done is done, it's all good.
 
OK, I seem to have a habit of trying to "convince" people that they are wrong when I believe they are, particularly when I think they are over-reacting or I don't understand why they are having certain feelings towards something. Telling someone who is over-reacting that they ARE over-reacting is never a good plan, and apparently neither is telling someone "you have no reason to feel that way" or "you shouldn't feel that way".

So, how do you guys handle those situations?

If I am responding to something my husband said or did, a simple "I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention" will calm me down enough that I can be logical and I willing listen to his explaination of what he was really trying to say or his thoughts behind his actions. The thing to remember, is that "feelings" can't be dictated or controled. Our actions and how we handle the feelings is another story.

If I'm on a rant or such about someone or something else, that's a little tougher. In this case, if I'm immediately told I'm wrong, then nothing anyone else says will even be heard. However, if someone offers "This is how I see the situation", I'm usually more willing to listen, even if I still don't agree fully. However, my opinon may change after a few more hours to think about what was said.
 
I think this is a really good topic of discussion on this forum because it is on line. Its hard to know someone's intent when they right and I definitely think that telling someone they are wrong or that you disagree can really get peoples backs up.

On line I think its important to respect people even more because we really don't know them. Its far more likely to open further discussion by respecting their point of view and then beginning to say what your opinion is I think. That can be really hard sometimes for me because I sometimes sit here and think that what they have said is complete and utter bullshit and am fuming that they would say such things... but I have found in my life and on here that there is no way I am going to facilitate them opening up to my opinion and possibly encourage them to change their mind if I say "you are wrong."

Of course I can debate and discuss until the cows come home sometimes and the person can still think they are right. I get that. I am the same sometimes... but I like to think that if I am able to put the bug in their ears and make them think, then I have done all I can do.
 
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