This is so weird but also exciting lol

openbj

New member
Well, in the mean time of us finding a girlfriend for J, he would really like for me to step outside of my comfort zone and try either a spouse swap with a couple or a threesome (me with him and another guy or him with me and another girl) or me with another guy and him watching or him with another girl and me watching. I do want this too. We've been talking for quite a while now about doing something like this, but it has really become more realistic over the past few weeks. So, last night I made a post on CL looking for a MF couple or a girl that is interested in helping us fulfill some of these fantasies just for fun, NSA lol.

We've had a few replies already, two couples are possibilities but we're still receiving emails so we're waiting to have more options to choose from. In the meantime, a guy has contacted us (even though I didn't post about looking for just a single guy) about either him watching us or hubby watching he and I. He was nice enough to include pictures and he is quite attractive. So, I replied nicely back that we are really looking for a couple or a female, but also included a partial picture of me (no face in the pic) as a way of saying thank you for being kind enough to include pics in your email as we had requested. He immediately replied back with, "Sure your not up for watching me or watching you or both?" I replied back to him that I would discuss it with J to see how he felt (I'm pretty sure I already know his answer because he's already said that he would like to do this at some point). I also let him know that we are new to all of this and that this is especially new to me because I have only been with my husband ever in my life.

His reply:

")...thanks for sharing...on my end i am into quality and sensuality as well as tease...watching each other could be a great entry into this whole thiing"

Thoughts?? I'm thinking that he may have a point in that him watching us could be a slightly less stressful way to introduce myself to more adventures instead of just jumping in head first to a spouse swap or a threesome. This would also give J an opportunity to see how he feels about me being with another guy (if we decide to go that way). He says that he would like to think that he'd be okay with that, but I've never been interested in another guy or desired another guy before, so it's all new. I think that it could stir up a lot of emotions in J that he didn't realize were there. It's one thing for him to have extra relationships because that's just who he is and has always been. It's a whole different ballgame if I were to start having other relationships because it's territory we've never been in before.

Sorry for the ramble. Just trying to sort my thoughts.
 
Well, I'm not sure things are going to go poly with our friend that has been thinking about it. She hasn't said no. Actually, she hasn't said anything either way about joining us. But, she and J were talking the other day and he asked her if she had ever thought of him that way. She said that she hadn't. She has always just thought of him as a good friend, fun guy, and someone that she can talk to about anything, but that's it. So, we've pretty much dropped the conversation of polly, although he does flirt with her a bit. Maybe she'll think of him like that later, but right now, we're all still really good friends and that's it.

On the note of the guy that wants to meet up with us for some fun. He's still emailing me and really wants for this to happen. I'm going to talk to J tomorrow after he's had some sleep (he works nights) and this could possibly be happening either Monday or Tuesday. So nervous but also pretty excited! This guy is in town on business once a month for a few days, so he stays at a hotel. We'd meet him there and he said that we can start out in the hotel jacuzzi to ease the nervousness of the situation and get comfortable with one another before we head to the room. This sounds like a great idea to me!! Because as nervous as I am now, I can only imagine what I would be like when we got there lol.
 
I made a response on the "Which Way To Turn" blog that I thought would also be important to post in our own blog.

"That's awesome!! It really give me hope for our future. I really needed to hear that, because a girl that he had wanted to bring in and she didn't agree AT ALL, just sent me a message saying how messed up I was for letting him do this and that I was "NEVER AND I MEAN NEVER going to be happy with him". She followed that statement up with "I know that hurts to hear, but it's the truth". It didn't hurt to hear, because I know it's not truth and I won't accept those words into my heart. But, it did really piss me off lol.

Lies are the HARDEST!! I too hold honesty so dear and near to my heart. When people speak honestly to me, whether it hurts or not, it speaks love to me. So, I completely understand how it made you feel, because I feel those same things when J lies to me, and I always know when he's lying. I have told him, "I know you better than any other person out there, sometimes even better than you know yourself. You cannot expect to lie to me and me not know it." Yet, he still does it.

But!!! On a great note. He has been nothing but honest with me for the past week now. He has come clean about everything. There's a girl that he's been flirting around with for a couple of months now from work. I kept asking him, "What's going on? Where is this going?" And he would swear up and down that there was nothing going on, he just enjoyed talking to her, blah, blah, blah. Well last week I told him that it was okay to go ahead and see her, but we needed to bring her in. He finally opened up!! He told me that yes, they've already been seeing each other and sleeping together. He also said, "But, we can't bring her in." Why? Because he lied to her to get the relationship going. He told her that we were in the middle of a divorce, so as far as she's concerned, I'm not part of the picture. It hurt to hear that, but I loved it so much that he was being honest. I didn't even get upset with him. I've allowed him to go ahead and continue seeing her because it's not something that is going to last. She leaves for college in 2 weeks and we move from OK to NM not long after that (and he'll even be gone for 8 weeks for training for this new job in upstate KS). So, it's about to end very soon. I have a very hard time with him lying to her, but with all of us going separate ways very soon, I'm just letting it be. She can count it as her fun for the summer before college and not be destroyed by finding out that he's lied so much to her.

On our end though, he has told me every time he is going to meet up with her, what they are doing, where they are going, what they have done (even sexually) afterwards, etc. He even talks on the phone with her in front of me now. I LOVE IT!! Yes, I have moments where he does something for her or says something to her that I have jealousy rise up, but I beat it with a stick and kick it right out. It's mostly just silly NRE things that I tend to miss from when we first met and had NRE lol.

I look forward to the next girlfriend and being there from the beginning!! I just have this excitement about it that brings me peace to know that everything is going to be alright and wonderful.

I have worked very hard over the last year to make things comfortable enough for him to be honest. Admittedly, I have failed many times by trying to force him instead of inviting him, but it's getting better. I'm getting there. We're getting there."
 
I'm glad my blog gave you some hope. But please be careful. From what you are saying, I'd be very cautious. The women Karma was with knew he was married and knew that wasn't changing. It was only me he was lying to, not everyone.

I hope you both realize how hard it is and how much work it takes to rebuild trust. It's a hard road. And he needs to be completely on board with that for this to work. He needs to realize that his actions effect multiple people and he needs to be on the up and up with all involved. As well as take the time to work with you and fix what he broke.

I don't want you to think I just forgave Karma and we all lived happily ever after. The first few months he was only allowed to see Cricket if I was with them. No picking her up, no dropping her off, no going out with her, no talking on the phone with her, no IMing her NOTHING without me being there.

It didn't last long, but I needed to heal before I was going to be completely okay with things.

You matter and you deserve to be treated like you matter. He needs to do whatever it takes to fix things.
 
Thanks! Normally, I would step in and take control of a relationship he was having, actually ending the relationship is more like it because I wasn't open to poly at the time. I was more focused on trying to make him mono, which he's really not.

I've asked him why he told her that lie and he has said that it's because he was afraid she would reject him if he told her the truth (that we had an open marriage, mind you, we were only open when they met, not poly. Rule was no emotional attachments, just sex and done). But, he really liked her and said he couldn't just sleep with her and drop her like that, but he also couldn't find the words to explain that we were open either. So, he got nervous and told her that he was married but that we were getting divorced.

J does NOT do well with rejection. When people meet him, they think that he is this super confident guy that is so sure of himself. He puts on a good front that way and for the most part, he is (in most things). But rejection, especially when it comes to relationships and sex, just tears him to pieces. All of his affairs in the past knew he was married and that they weren't going to go anywhere and our relationship wasn't going to end over them. But this one, just messed him up. He couldn't tell her the truth. I think part of it is because he is now 31 and has been feeling the stress of "getting older", and she is almost 19. But, that's just my guess. Also, his co-workers are a major gossip wheel. He says he was also afraid that if he explained things properly to her, she would tell someone else at work, and then it would be around to everyone. Which he's a very private person, so that was not acceptable at all.

Whatever his reasons though, it will be over soon enough and we will be gone from here. I can say, he's not trying very hard to hide our marriage from her now that he's being honest with me. He has added her to his FB and he and I talk and flirt around on there all the time (our friends have even told us to go get a room on several occasions haha)! So, at this point, it's just a matter of time before she figures things out lol. If she doesn't, it's because she doesn't want to know the truth.
 
He couldn't tell her the truth.

Well, it seems you're giving him a free pass and laughing it off now, but make sure he knows that shit's not acceptable if poly is going to work for you. I'm afraid that in your excitement about "going poly," you are putting blinders on and avoiding some red flags here and there. Slow down, look around, keep your eyes open, take a deep breath, and be careful.
 
Deep breaths and caution have become a regular for me. I don't laugh it off with him. He knows how seriously I hold all of this. I'm sorry if seemed that I was laughing it off on here, but I'm really not. I hold keeping my husband's honor very highly, so you probably won't ever see me fully vent about him or bash him ever on here. That's just not how I work. We are really pretty private people, so even posting the little history that I have here, is outside of our norm. But we both understand that some things need to be shared if we truly want sound advice.

With him, our conversations go very deep and he knows exactly where I stand. In fact, I've probably asked him to just tell her the truth at least 5 times over the last week. But, he is two months into this lie and doesn't see the point in causing her pain over something that is just going to end in 2 weeks anyways.

Now, I'm also not naive enough to think that just because she goes to college and we move away, that all texting and phone calls will immediately cease. I realize that that's something that is going to have to taper off and settle on it's own because they are friends. And if they continue to talk as friends for quite a while, he knows that I fully expect him to either tell her the truth or at the very least tell her that he and I have worked things out and there will be no divorce or separation. But, I'm not sure that's going to happen. Their relationship is very shallow and I don't see her being too interested in what he's up to once she gets around all those college guys. He's also already making comments about, "She seemed so mature at first, but the more I'm around her, the more I realize just how young she is :(" "She's starting to get really whiny with me if I suggest doing something (like going to the casino) that she doesn't like." Stuff like that does not sit well with him.
 
We decided not to meet up with the guy that's been emailing me. J and I talked and we both came to the conclusion that we are just uncomfortable with meeting up with some random guy from online. J is very protective of me and really worries that another guy would cause me more pain during sex, without realizing that he's doing it, or that he just wouldn't care.

But, it looks like we are going to connect with a poly group here on the 4th for a free concert in the area. So, we're looking forward to that!! We are also taking a date night this Thursday. We're thinking dinner and a movie. There's a steak house nearby that he wants to try before we move away 'cause he's heard great things about it.
 
J is still really working on the NRE :) I love that man!!

Today, we took the boys to the lake down the road and had a great time. We didn't stay too long 'cause it was 113 degrees (F). Scorcher!! While we were there he really focused on family time and left his phone on the beach. I wondered if he would check it often to see if she had text, but he didn't check at all!! I was so proud of him! We followed that up with a trip to the sno cone stand in town (J's idea) and picked up some stuff for me to make homemade ice cream (no machine needed!). It is in the freezer now working on freezing (it's not going fast enough LOL). J had me send a pic to him while he was at work of the ice cream, 'cause he can't wait to dig in to it either.

I love days like this!!
 
Figured I should update a little. I haven't disappeared lol. After my last post about going to the lake, J got really sick with strep. Turns out, the lake has been tested and found to have toxic algae in it :( He's the only one that got sick though (literally by the next morning). The boys and I made out just fine. J is doing much better now that he's been on his antibiotics.

Since J and I started talking about poly several weeks ago, I have been doing a lot of thinking and searching my own heart. I've only been with J sexually. He's my first and only. But, I do have needs in my life (emotionally and yes, sexually) that just aren't being met by J. It's not his fault, he's not ignoring me or anything like that. He's just different from things that I enjoy. I'm more of a romantic, passionate, compassionate, quiet, loving person. J is a much more outgoing, loud, spontaneous, erotic, adventurous person. All things which I really love about him, because it helps bring those things out in me (and I in him). But, I also enjoy just being cuddled, caressed, talked to lovingly, etc. J does those things at times for me because he knows I enjoy them, but it's not really his nature. I enjoy the foreplay to build up to the passionate sex (deeply passionate make out sessions just rev my engine!!), J just wants to get straight to wild crazy sex lol.

I've been thinking about what it would be like for me to find a guy that could meet those needs for me, just as J is looking for a girl to meet his more wild needs for him. I've never even thought of myself actually being with another man until recently, and honestly, the idea brings me joy. I've always fantasized about what it would be like, but never thought that I could actually move forward with those fantasies and have all my needs met while still being with the love of my life. It's kind of a weird and foreign thought to me, but an enjoyable one at the same time. I'm not sure where this is going to take us, but it's something I'm talking about with J. I think it would be a huge stress relief off of him to know that I was being taken care of and loved in a way that I need while still getting my wilder side of needs met by him (yes, I do still have a wild side lol, don't we all??). I know that J identifies as poly, but I never thought that I would. Now, I'm not sure what to think.

Breaking down the walls of mono concerning J has really caused me to search myself. It's a pretty neat adventure so far. I'm learning things about myself that I had been to "spiritually brain washed" to even begin to pay mind to before. I can say with 100% confidence, that I could love J as well as another man. That part, I know.

Am I really mono as I have told myself all these years, or am I actually poly and have just been repressing it due to the church brain washing and past life events? This is a huge question that I am asking myself right now.

Ah, to be young again, I allowed myself so much more freedom in my relationships then (except the sexual end, I always said I would only have sex with my husband, mostly due to being raped at a very young age and having a skewed view of sex as a result). Now, things just seem so much more trivial than they should be!
 
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Well, the girl J has been seeing moves off for college on Thursday. I have to admit, I won't be sad about it. With it being based off of lies, I'm ready for it to be over.

Then, we move to NM sometime over the next 2 weeks. I can't wait for J to find a girl that he can really build a relationship with based off of honesty with all parties involved. I know I'll still struggle at times because this is all new, but it will be great to have honesty abound.

Me, I'm still trying to figure out if I'm poly or not. It's not something that I want to take lightly. The idea of having a boyfriend just thrills me, but I'm not sure quite yet. I've talked to J about it and he says that he would like to think that he would be okay with me having and being with another guy, but he doesn't know how he would actually react until it would happen. The idea of me sleeping with someone else excites him in talk, but he's never had to deal with it in reality. He has had 100% of my sex and love life for the past almost 14 years. It would be a big change. The last thing I want is for it to affect him in a way that causes him to lose respect for me. That's my biggest fear.
 
Our she devil drama queen is back from San Antonio :( J and I are both so stressed out with her presence. Only a couple more weeks and then we're in NM. It can't get here soon enough!!
 
Thanks! She's been behaving so far. But, I'm not holding my breath about it lasting very long.
 
The girlfriend left for college yesterday morning, which I'm happy about but J is struggling with a bit. They're still talking and texting and FBing, but he feels it will die off over the next month. He told me last night that she really sucks at communicating, so it probably won't last much longer. He's a person that has to talk to someone he's involved with. She's someone that will ignore his texts or phone calls nearly all day, but expect him to reply or pick up when she decides she's ready to talk to him :( I've told him that he deserves better than the way she treats him, but he's been too infatuated with her to see it. Now that they have some distance between them and she's going to be busy with school, work, party life, I really feel he's going to start seeing what I was talking about.

We went out and had an AMAZING night last night. Took the boys to the state park about 2 miles down the road to camp. The boys fished until about 10pm, they were in heaven! J and I did some drag net fishing earlier in the day and then settled in at the bench when it was time to start cooking dinner and getting the tent set up. We had some "alone" time in the dark at the bench while the boys were fishing by flashlight (where we could see them). Oh my goodness!!!! We kept going off an on for a couple of hours LOL. I am so sore today, which J is just ecstatic about :)

J and I had a lot of time to talk and it was great. We talked about all sorts of silly things with very few serious things thrown in. We were both more interested in just having fun and relaxing.

J and I woke up about 7 this am and went straight to the lake to sink some lines. When the boys woke up they came down and joined us. If we could live on a lake and do things like this as we please, we would be on Cloud 9!!

J only has 10 more days left at his current job and then we move to NM for his new job! Super excited :D

Bad thing about the camping trip, I didn't get much rest the night before because J and I had a Netflix night where we just chilled and ate a bunch of junk food. Then, I went all day getting ready for the camp out, went all afternoon with swimming and fishing and having fun, went all out on the sex, and then didn't get to bed until 1am to wake up at 7, and then have gone all day today with unpacking and cleaning up and getting some personal work done. All that leads to, one very exhausted chronic pain sufferer which is not a good thing at all. I'm already feeling it :( You would think that after 8 years I would know better and take more precautions, but I really slipped up on this one. I'm probably going to be in a lot of pain and completely drained of energy for the next few days to a week. Just when J needs me the most as he's dealing with the girlfriend leaving and the communication distance that is already showing itself.
 
Everything is just a mess right now. Hubby has to report to his first work site in Albuquerque on the 6th. We have had everything set to move to NM to work out of a home base there, but it turns out that it isn't so. They are going to have him working all over the district (LA to W NM and almost all of TX) for the first 4 months as a probationary period. So, the boys and I are no longer moving to NM, but will have to wait it out here in OK with only seeing J about 15 days over the next 4 months :(. After the probationary period he'll be able to put in for a home base and then we can move. But until then.....

I'm really not happy about all of this and not dealing with it well at all. It probably would be better, except the college girl called last night, started a fight with J, said she was breaking up with him, and instead of accepting it like he should have because we all know it's not going to work out, he stayed up all night talking her into not breaking up and has been on the phone for the past 3+ hours today (since he woke up) with her again. So, 5 hours last night and 3+ today so far. I'm a mess right now. I've been doing nothing but crying since about 4am. I feel like I'm drowning between everything.

And of course, all of this stress has got my pain in a major flair, leaving me wanting to rip my head off and leave it behind so I don't have to feel the pain (pain is from the left side of my face being crushed in a 4-wheeler accident 8 yrs. ago, had complete reconstructive surgery). I just ate some food (even though I didn't want to) so I'm going to go take some heavy duty pain meds so I can at least try to function for my children. If I don't throw the food up first, I'm hurting so much that I'm feeling nauseous.
 
Doing much better today. Found out why I was especially sensitive to all the stress and such. Thank you Mother Nature!! I really don't like you :(

Anyways, the evening and night ended much better than the day started yesterday and today has been nothing but family time, looking at houses, enrolling the boys in school, and taking care of some other stuff. So, it's been good. Our 7th grader has decided that he doesn't want to take the basic classes, but take Pre-Algebra and Pre-AP Life Science. He really wants to push himself academically. I couldn't be prouder of him!!!'

Tomorrow they will probably start classes. I don't know what I'm going to do with them being gone to school everyday. We've homeschooled the past two years, so this is going to be weird.

Now, time to relax with dinner and a movie. J and I stocked up on the movies for tonight, so it's gonna be a great night. :D
 
The boys' first day at school went well. Our oldest is an overachiever lol. So proud of him!! We got his classes set this morning and he is taking Pre-AP Life Science, Pre-AP Literature, Pre-Algebra, Geography, Spanish, and Basic Keyboarding. He is going to test to see if he can by pass Pre-Algebra and just move on to Algebra. Did I mention that he's only in 7th grade and 12 years old??
 
Hey there!

I had to sneak in a comment because if anybody knows about travelling hubbies it's me. :) Hubs is in the navy and has been gone about 19 months out of the past 36. It does kind of suck, but at least it's only 4 months, and you'll still get to see him a bit in there.

But... a few suggestions that might help. Make time to say good morning and good night every night-- whether it needs to be a text in the a.m. and a call at night or whatever. Even if it's five minutes-- that connection is super important. Figure out how to skype and set up a schedule. Hubs and I were doing once a week, but you can do more often than that if you have the time between the two of you. That way you can have a skype "date".

And last, make fun plans for when he's home so that you have that to look forward to.

And for you-- make sure you're taking time to take care of yourself. Being home with the kids alone can make it easy to overdo and end up sick or in pain-- even without the chronic pain you have. Remember, if you are down you can't be there for them as well, so if you need to do a little less than you think you should at times, DO IT! :)
 
Minxxa, THANK YOU!!

We have already been talking about the online talking and went and looked at some cameras for the computer so we can budget for it. The plan is to talk online every night. That way he can see the boys everyday, see how their day was at school, if they're behaving, see how I'm doing, etc. He's worked nights up until this point, so I'm already used to texting or calling him to say good night for the night. Good morning and Good Night are two bonds that I really want to keep in place. They mean a lot to both of us.

I've been really worried about the chronic pain end of things. I've been in a flair all week, making it hard for me to focus on even saying a simple sentence. I felt like a bumbling idiot when I was getting our boys registered in school. They'd ask me a very simple question and it would take me almost 5 minutes to come up with the answer. I hate this!!

J leaves on Monday and we probably won't get to see him for real for almost a month, maybe more :( We're both really hoping that he gets accepted on a bid for a home base as soon as his probationary period is up. That way we can get moved to where it is and have him home more often.

This is probably as close to being a military wife as I could handle getting. You guys are so awesome!! I don't know, I think that maybe I could do it with knowing that he would be doing something great for his country. But, it definitely wouldn't be easy. You wives have got a lot of strength and endurance to do what you do! Tell your hubby THANK YOU for all that he does and THANK YOU to you as well for being a wife that's willing to stand by her man!!!
 
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