I'm Not Stupid--So Why Can't I Be Smart?

PassionFlower

New member
I've been monogamously, heterosexually married for 10 years. A few years ago I identified and accepted that I am bi-sexual, and that a polyamorous lifestyle would work for me. I am interested in staying married and having both men and women as lovers.

My husband has consistently rejected polyamory, first with disgust and contempt, and now, 2 1/2 years later, with just the statement that it's impossible for him.

The past 6 months he has allowed a few threesomes, feels that even this is violating who he is, but that he is okay with it because 1) if we are with a woman together it is still in the context of the 'sacred union' of marriage and 2) he gets a benefit and still has some control.

I knew I was bi-sexual, but since having a threesome with a woman who is a good friend, I have realized how strongly I can feel sexually with a woman, and I want to have a lover, in particular her, but that's quite complicated because she lives with us (as a roommate).

My husband keeps repeating that it is impossible for him to be married to me if I have outside relationships. He has read "Opening Up". We have 3 children together, all under the age of 6 years old, and the thought of separating is awful. I love him, I want to be with him. I have been monogamous even while thinking about polyamory, except that six months ago I got drunk and cheated on him, which is not part of my value system and I do not want to happen again. I value honesty and not keeping secrets. I told him about what happened 2 days after it happened, and I have not seen or talked to the guys since (I did not know them before that night).

I just don't know if I can keep being monogamous. Right now, I want to be with my friend who lives in our house, and I know she wants to be with me, and the agony of not being able to fulfill that is tremendous for me. Beyond that, I don't want to betray myself by being with someone else when I have told my husband I won't, but I am so afraid that I will do it anyway, someday, somehow, even if it is not in this context. She will be living with us for the next few months--her leaving is not an option for at least 5 weeks, so even if she leaves I have to deal with this situation for a month.

So, advice welcomed on
1) How to deal with the current situation, for the next 5 weeks
2) I am pretty convinced that polyamory is for me, and scared that by trying to be monogamous so my husband and I will stay together that I will end up betraying myself and my husband (i.e. cheating). BUT I have not lived a polyamorous lifestyle, so I might be wrong, it might be too hard and not worth the trade-off of not being with my husband. Any insights?
3) Anyone have any experience with identifying as polyamorous but choosing monogamy because you love someone and want to be with them? Long-term?

Thanks.
 
1. I think you know the correct answer is to not act on those impulses, even though it's going to suck and you're probably just going to smolder. Have you talked to her and maybe worked out a situation/schedule where you can avoid each other as much as is practical, if you really think you are going to need help giving in to your desires?

2. Have you tried couples counseling yet? Are there any poly-aware professionals in your area?

3. No. (I've only figured myself out and identified as poly in the last five months and haven't worked up the courage to come out yet.) :(
 
We have been to couples counselling to talk about polyamory and other relational issues, but stopped last January, before I cheated. We haven't been back. The counselor was not against polyamory, which was good, and helped my husband work through some of his feelings and thoughts about it. So my husband now accepts that I am bi-sexual and polyamorous, although he cannot accept behaviours or me living a lifestyle that is bi-sexual and polyamorous. We may have to re-visit counselling at some point, but I think we will need to see someone new, and our town is very small. We are moving in a few months, which will open up counselling options.

Thanks for your reply :)
 
Mono/poly dynamics are a hot topic on this forum... try doing a tag search and see. There are a lot of people that come here to get some insight on how to make it work. It isn't easy but it is doable.

First of all there is no reason why you can't have other lovers and your husband not. It will take huge responsibility to manage your time. Especially with kids involved. It would take a huge amount of his ability and desire to let go of you being around all the time and he starting in on some of his own projects and life goals by himself. That could be a good thing for him... I know it has been for my husband since I started dating Mono, Derby and Leo. He has taken his life into his own hands and made some significant life changing alterations as a result. He is far happier for doing so.

There is not going to be a way to convince your husband that you should be poly. Someone will always draw the shorter stick on this one. That is just how it is. There will always be compromises, and you likely will find it hard to find any way to reach and agreement on boundaries, but you can keep at it and keep trying. I have for almost three years. I have found a way that is good for me right now. Maybe you might also...

If I were you I would keep being patient. I can tell you one thing that I have noted for sure... rushing and letting your desire get ahead of you will set you back big time... maybe you already know that since you have cheated once already. I would keep breathing, think of your kids first and note that life changes in its own sweet time.
 
The past 6 months he has allowed a few threesomes, feels that even this is violating who he is, but that he is okay with it because 1) if we are with a woman together it is still in the context of the 'sacred union' of marriage and 2) he gets a benefit and still has some control.
This part I find somewhat alarming. What is it he wishes to control? You? What you do? This smacks of a sense of ownership over you and a complete disregard or disrespect for you as an individual.

This will be a tough road, no doubt. I think there is more going on here than being at odds with your husband because you feel you identify as poly while he is steadfastly mono. That you got drunk and cheated indicates a deeper problem in your relationship, something you are avoiding looking at, so you used alcohol and a fling to submerge whatever it is. There seems to be some discontent or unhappiness lurking there.

I think you have to bring your focus away from sex. The threesomes, the lure of being with the woman who is living with you, and cheating are all easy escapes. But it would behoove you to really do the work needed to feel enriched by and stable in your primary relationship before going elsewhere for physical intimacy. If I were you, I wouldn't wait until you move to go to counseling again. And if he won't go with you, go alone. You already know you will be leaving and will have to find a new counselor, so you are prepared. Just know that the time you have is finite and cover what you can. The foundation has to be strong in your relationship before you can expect any movement toward polyamory to be fruitful in any way. If I were you, I would start by examining how his attitude about marriage and his need to be controlling affect you. Start digging.
 
I think you getting drunk and getting tag teamed by a couple of strange guy might of set you back with your husband. The control that cindie found troubling ....replace that word with ...dick ...penis....the number of dicks is what he's trying to control ....or being apart of this a sexual outlet with you ....without any other dicks involved.....not excluded from it.

After the tag team incident does he have trust issues ??
 
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with someone you want but can't have. I know how you feel about mono partners as well, mine is trying to see the poly side of things, but I end up feeling like he is my keeper, something that really irks me. I hate having to ask permission about things, but I am doing it to make it easier on him. He knows that I could stray whenever I choose. Does your husband get this? You are taking it easy on him, trying to help him deal. You could always just sleep with your friend and tell him to deal. I know it is hard for him too and that I don't know his side as well, but you are already making a huge sacrifice here. I would just ask that he try to understand your feelings as well as his own.

Counseling is a great idea, keep with it. Communication is paramount. Unfortunately, that is all of the insights I posses at this point. Hang in there!
 
While I certainly can see your frustration, I think there's a point that tends to get lost on this board a lot (since most people coming here are poly). And that is that there is nothing wrong with your partner choosing monogamy, being monogamous and NOT wanting to have polyamory involved in their relationship.

While I agree with NYCINDIE that nobody gets to tell you what you can do or try to control your actions... the flip side of that is that since you ARE involved in a couple you don't necessarily just get to do whatever you want whenever you want and expect your partner to be okay with that.

The gist is... you need to define who you are and what you really want, and of course, stand up for that. But you also need to accept that if your partner's wants and needs are the polar opposite, you will need to accept that you are not compatible relationship-wise.

I see tons of people coming here to try to "convince" their partner that poly is the way to go and how to "show them that it's doable". Well, for some people it really isn't doable. And to me not accepting that is just as disrespectful of the other person as if your partner were to go to a "mono" board asking for advice to "convince" you that monogamy was the best way to go and try to get you to agree to that even though it wasn't who you are.

If bisexuality and polyamory really are necessary parts of you that you need to have integrated into your life to be truly happy, then you need to express that to your partner and expect that they will either choose to live in a way that is most likely NOT rewarding for them, or choose to leave. The "I want to do it my way and have my partner be okay with it" is what everybody wants, I know... but that's not reality. And it's not really taking the OTHER person into consideration.

Basically, it's tons of selfish.

I think often people come here thinking if the other person just "reads the right stuff and tries it" that they'll agree it's fabulous. And that's just not the case for a lot of people. And that's all right. There is nothing wrong with being monogamous if that's who you are. And nobody should try to "convince" someone to act differently than who they are.
 
I second Minxxa on this. And just going ahead and sleeping with her anyway as Iris suggests is a sure way to end your marriage in the worst way possible.
 
Wah? Minxxa I don't know of any threads where people have come here to ask about ways to convince their mono partners to be poly. People come here distraught about their situations and wish their partners were into what they are, but I haven't seen any blatantly obvious threads about frustration on not being able to convince them or asking how to go about doing that.... Did I miss something? Have I beenm reading stuff wrong? *confused*
 
Wah? Minxxa I don't know of any threads where people have come here to ask about ways to convince their mono partners to be poly. People come here distraught about their situations and wish their partners were into what they are, but I haven't seen any blatantly obvious threads about frustration on not being able to convince them or asking how to go about doing that.... Did I miss something? Have I beenm reading stuff wrong? *confused*


Sorry, I'm sure I'm being unclear, but I do see a lot of threads where the basic question is "I met someone and want to be poly and told my partner but my husband/wife/partner is upset/distraught/angry, how do I make this work?" Also, I see more than a few threads where people are investigating poly, or starting out and one partner is "trying it for their partner" usually with a lot of reservations, and the whole goal seems to be to get them to go with it. And what follows is lots of angst, jealousy, insecurity, and unhappiness for the partner who is going with it for their partner, and not because they think it sounds like a good idea.

Maybe it was the wording I used... "convince". To me asking how to "make poly work with a mono partner who is not into it" is the same as trying to convince them. :)

I think that anytime you try to do something specifically for someone else when it goes against your basic beliefs/wants/goals, then it's not going to work. But I see a lot of people TRYING to make it work because they don't want to lose their partner or make them unhappy or resentful of them.

I do think that if someone who is monogamous has a certain openness in them, they can definitely learn a lot of skills here and come to terms with a poly/mono relationship that can work for them and their partner. I also think that sometimes people realize that they were only mono because they thought they HAD to be and it opens up a new world for them.

But I also see people that are definitely monogamous setting aside their wants/needs/beliefs so as not to lose their partner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is while I do think people can open their minds to a new way of living/relationships, there are some people that are going to be miserable in poly relationships because that's how they're built, not due to them not having the right skills to deal with issues. They just are monogamous. And I think that while exploring a concept to see if it might be doable is great, there has to be the thought in there somewhere that it might NOT be. That the other person, who entered into a monogamous relationship, might NOT want to change that and that's perfectly acceptable. That doesn't mean something's wrong with the mono person, or they just haven't "gotten it" yet.

If someone is going to try to have a poly relationship with a monogamous person, there has to be some thought that it might not work out, and it might not be the best thing for the monogamous person. I do see that pointed out from a few people, definitely, but I think sometimes as poly people we can get into a bubble of how "lovely" it is, and forget that for a monogamous person to try to be poly might be as miserable and as bad of a fit as it would be for a polyamorous person to have to be mono. :)
 
Wah? Minxxa I don't know of any threads where people have come here to ask about ways to convince their mono partners to be poly. People come here distraught about their situations and wish their partners were into what they are . . .

Omigosh, I do! I think most of the threads in the New to Poly forum center on trying to get a non-poly partner to get onboard.

. . . I do see a lot of threads where the basic question is "I met someone and want to be poly and told my partner but my husband/wife/partner is upset/distraught/angry, how do I make this work?" Also, I see more than a few threads where people are investigating poly, or starting out and one partner is "trying it for their partner" usually with a lot of reservations, and the whole goal seems to be to get them to go with it. And what follows is lots of angst, jealousy, insecurity, and unhappiness for the partner who is going with it for their partner, and not because they think it sounds like a good idea.

Maybe it was the wording I used... "convince". To me asking how to "make poly work with a mono partner who is not into it" is the same as trying to convince them.

Yeah, this is what we see here nearly every day. Maybe it's unfair to generalize, though. In some instances you can see that people do struggle with the concept of poly and then can actually embrace it, others it's a more healthy curiosity and willingness (of the mono partner), but many of the predicaments people come here and write about look like minefields between poly and mono opponents!
 
Yeah, this is what we see here nearly every day. Maybe it's unfair to generalize, though. In some instances you can see that people do struggle with the concept of poly and then can actually embrace it, others it's a more healthy curiosity and willingness (of the mono partner), but many of the predicaments people come here and write about look like minefields between poly and mono opponents!


Oh, I most certainly think you see people who are fearful at first, but then do some soul searching and stepping outside their original box to find it fits them! :)

I think struggling with a concept is good-- it means you're looking it over and doing some soul-searching and questioning your beliefs. I always think that's a good thing.

I just think that sometimes you do all of that and realize it's not for you (like swinging or more recreational sex in my own case), and that's okay too.
 
My hat goes off to anyone who tries on poly; whether it be for their partner or to see what its all about. A lot of people believe in it in theory but struggle in practice or just can't do it. I applaud anyone on either side of the coin who entertains the notion that they could "share" someone near and dear to them... I just don't see that as "convincing." "Inviting" maybe? To me convincing is not consent and boarders on an ultimatum... I don't think we get much of that here. I'm often surprised that it is not prevalent actually. I always thought people were more selfish and self centered. Its renewed my respect for humankind actually. There are some damn good people out there just trying to figure out how to love and live better :)
 
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