Advice or guidance

And maybe what we are looking for is that unicorn, I don't know. I get what she wants, just not so sure we can provide.....

You and several thousand others, it is a pretty futile hunt to be honest, you had the third, most of those couples would kill for that opportunity but because not all boxes were ticked you threw something that could have been good and long lasting away (for all you know this other guy may not have lasted) what you have now is the benefit of experience, you have seen exactly how you both can ruin this type of relationship, now you have the opportunity to start anew with that experience, you can go forward with a better grasp of polyamory or you can fall back to fantasyland looking for your new Golden Unicorn, the choice is yours.
 
You and several thousand others, it is a pretty futile hunt to be honest, you had the third, most of those couples would kill for that opportunity but because not all boxes were ticked you threw something that could have been good and long lasting away (for all you know this other guy may not have lasted) what you have now is the benefit of experience, you have seen exactly how you both can ruin this type of relationship, now you have the opportunity to start anew with that experience, you can go forward with a better grasp of polyamory or you can fall back to fantasyland looking for your new Golden Unicorn, the choice is yours.


Blunt but honest. Thank you

I don't know if we can do it (or if we want to) but moving forward at least I have an idea from the other view point

Thanks
 
I am still reading the thread, but if your initial fear was that through sharing you *might* see less of her, it seems that now you have assured it. In essence you gave her an ultimatum. Most people do not respond kindly to such behavior. And now you are heartbroken because you forced her to choose.

I am sincerely sorry you and your wife are so hurt. I imagine your gf is too.
 
I am still reading the thread, but if your initial fear was that through sharing you *might* see less of her, it seems that now you have assured it. In essence you gave her an ultimatum. Most people do not respond kindly to such behavior. And now you are heartbroken because you forced her to choose.

I am sincerely sorry you and your wife are so hurt. I imagine your gf is too.

But wouldn't it be worse to lie to her and ourselves and pretend that we are happy she is off seeing another.

Like I said before, maybe we aren't 100% poly (whatever that means) I don't know if she is hurt or not and this isn't the ending my wife and I wanted but we had to be honest
 
But wouldn't it be worse to lie to her and ourselves and pretend that we are happy she is off seeing another.

Depending on what your soft and hard limits are, couldn't you negotiate with her rather than just give her the ultimatum that she can't see anyone else?

If your problem is time, why not go to her with "we're worried that we won't see you enough when you start dating," and then work through it - maybe work out a plan where you see her x nights a week or something that seems manageable, or even give her a night a week away to herself for some time frame and see how that feels before negotiating more? It's time to not only date, but maybe do other activities that she'd like to do on her own.

Would a night a week have been a good start for her? Would it have been workable for you? You'll never know.
 
But wouldn't it be worse to lie to her and ourselves and pretend that we are happy she is off seeing another.

Like I said before, maybe we aren't 100% poly (whatever that means) I don't know if she is hurt or not and this isn't the ending my wife and I wanted but we had to be honest

I think what disturbs me (and it might be niggling others, I am not sure) is it appears that instead of making an effort to confront the reasons why your gf having a partner may disturb you, instead of coming here and talking that particular issue over, getting all the varied opinions and points of view regarding why this is an issue, instead of you fall back into 'but we can't do that it is too (emotionally) hard'.

I don't mean to be harsh but it seems SO weak minded and defeatist, as if you have no real desire to grow as people, as individuals, you just want to create a box and find someone to fill it and have it all the same.

No maybe you are not really 'Poly' maybe you would be better off going back to monogamy, I don't know, at least you wouldn't need to challenge yourself, but it is quite frustrating to read

But wouldn't it be worse to lie to her and ourselves and pretend that we are happy she is off seeing another.

No, it is not her job to make you happy! Only you can do that. I am pretty sure she would be as happy as a clam if you pretended you were happy whilst at the same time dealing with your issues!!! What is wrong with being unhappy anyway? When your unhappiness is a by-product of misplaced expectation? If my (mythical) husband is not a doctor and that makes me unhappy because I wanted to marry a doctor, is my husband wrong? Or is my expectation?

You are the cause of this pain, yourself and your wife because your Unicorn turned out to be a real woman with real needs, you will find this with any woman who agrees (however briefly) to a triad.
 
I think what disturbs me (and it might be niggling others, I am not sure) is it appears that instead of making an effort to confront the reasons why your gf having a partner may disturb you, instead of coming here and talking that particular issue over, getting all the varied opinions and points of view regarding why this is an issue, instead of you fall back into 'but we can't do that it is too (emotionally) hard'.

I don't mean to be harsh but it seems SO weak minded and defeatist, as if you have no real desire to grow as people, as individuals, you just want to create a box and find someone to fill it and have it all the same.

No maybe you are not really 'Poly' maybe you would be better off going back to monogamy, I don't know, at least you wouldn't need to challenge yourself, but it is quite frustrating to read



No, it is not her job to make you happy! Only you can do that. I am pretty sure she would be as happy as a clam if you pretended you were happy whilst at the same time dealing with your issues!!! What is wrong with being unhappy anyway? When your unhappiness is a by-product of misplaced expectation? If my (mythical) husband is not a doctor and that makes me unhappy because I wanted to marry a doctor, is my husband wrong? Or is my expectation?

You are the cause of this pain, yourself and your wife because your Unicorn turned out to be a real woman with real needs, you will find this with any woman who agrees (however briefly) to a triad.

I appreciate your honesty but I am surprised at the amount of venom in your post. This is new to me and my wife and maybe we don't have the same ideas on what a perfect relationship is. I came here to get some different perspectives on my situation so that I could maybe understand. Some people have provided that and others have attacked me and called me week minded and defeatist. I am sorry I don't fit into your idea of what poly is.

Thank you people for some of your posts. I will seek understanding elsewhere
 
No doubt that honesty is incredibly important. But in my experience honesty is the starting point - the starting point for discussions to increase mutual understanding.

For example, do you know what needs your gf hopes to have met by this new guy? Simply a chance to explore? Maybe a chance at marriage like you and your wife? Maybe some other need that a conversation might have elucidated - a need that if understood perhaps you and your wife could have met.

Having been that proverbial unicorn twice - I have some perspective. In one relationship, I was a full-fledged member of the family. We held joint bank accounts. It lasted nearly 2 decades and ended when one of my partners died. In the other, it was presented to me as if I would be a full-fledged member of the family, and one of my partners treated me as such, and the other began excluding so that they could be a couple.

Now, it could be that your gf really just wants the traditional marriage and kids. And if that is the case, sadly ther is nothing traditional about a triad. Nothing you and your wife could have done to change it. However if your triad, instead of being three equal individuals was in fact composed of your coupledom and your gf, that begets any number of stings, knowing you are always excluded at the core. Frankly, I found it unbearable.
 
She had her own place but would be over between 3-5 times a week. I should also add that there is an age difference (she is younger) and I think she was afraid of commitment at this stage in her life

I think it's easy to assume it's commitment that is the problem but it's more likely to be that she wants what you had, a chance to establish her own family. You attempted to prevent her from doing that and she, rightly, ended things.

The above two quotes could work in either order. But let me just make sure I have this right.

You and your wife have a marriage, a joint home, joint bank accounts. You support each other, you presumably provide things like insurance and retirement for your wife, along with the ability to have a nicer home and cars based on your joint income. Your wife either has children with you or has the opportunity to have children with you. You are there for each other 24/7 and spend any evening together that you want to, and presumably every night together. You go to events and family functions together.

Your girlfriend gets to work two, three, maybe ten times as hard to provide all of this for herself. Because she has only her income, she will be unable to provide herself as much as if she was with the two of you or with a primary partner. She has to sleep alone 2 to 4 times per week at least, compared to yours and your wife's NEVER. She gets to see the two of you...when the two of you are not having couple time? Does she get the opportunity to have children with you? If not, she gives that up. She gets to keep the people she loves in secret and not have anyone to bring to family functions. She gives up ever having a primary partner or husband of her own.

And in return, she gets....what? To have hot threesomes with you and your wife when the two of you want them? Or does she get one on one time with either of you...when the two of you have time for her?

Do I have that right? If so, the exchange rate would have to be pretty incredible for that to be a sufficient trade-off.
 
I appreciate your honesty but I am surprised at the amount of venom in your post.

Trust me, this is not venom.

This is new to me and my wife and maybe we don't have the same ideas on what a perfect relationship is.

You have to understand, this line is one of the things that might cause frustration. Perfect relationships have not yet been discussed but surely a "perfect" relationship is one which exists where everyone gets their needs met in it?

I am sorry I don't fit into your idea of what poly is.

Don't do this mock apology thing we aren't (I hope) teenagers. I never said what my idea of poly is, what I have done is tell you where I think you went wrong with your relationship, which I hoped to move you from a 'she did us wrong' pov. To a 'perhaps we could have handled this better' mindset.

others have attacked me and called me week minded and defeatist.

I will seek understanding elsewhere

No. 'I' called you that, what is the point of the general "others have" when responding directly to me? Does that last line prove me wrong? Is swanning off a sign of strength or a passive aggressive move? I am not attacking you, I disagree with the way your mindset and I am telling you my perspectives on it.

You have had sympathy for your pain on this thread but you did not ask for "understanding" you asked for different perspectives, advice and guidance of which you have had loads.

Or are you using "understanding" as in 'people who think you made the right choice'? Well that might be hard to find anywhere on the net Wouldn't it be better to keep with the current discussion, talk about 'why' you feel you made the right choice and why the other suggestions offered will not work for you instead of going to find people who will just tell you what you want to hear?
 
Hello


I am writing to you because I don't know who else to talk to.


My wife and I have been seeing another girl for about 8 months and this last Friday she told us that she wants to keep seeing us while dating other people (she was asked out by a friend who didn't know about us). We said that it wasn't something we could foresee us accommodating and that the issue was a time one and not a love one. She chose to leave us saying that she wasn't able to commit to us exclusively. This has devastated my wife and me and to be honest we are both kind of a wreck. I truly believe that we have the capacity to love multiple people but I also don't think a relationship can work without seeing someone on a regular basis. My wife and I aren't looking for a casual sex partner who we see every now and then and I am worried that if we let her see other people our relationship will just come down to opportune moments that work on her schedule. Am I wrong in feeling this way? We never told anyone about our relationship and we don't have anyone to talk to. I don't know what poly really is and I don't think it is the same to everyone. I don't even know what I am looking for from you but I just need to at least get someone else's perspective on this


Thank you for your time

There is absolutely nothing wrong with "closed" polyamorous relationships, where the people involved are exclusive to one another. Also known as polyfidelity. The thing is though, like anything in life, it's much better if the people involved actually choose to be in that arrangement rather than you enforce it as part of building a relationship with you.

This concept extends to cover some of your insecurities about whether this potential person will consider you in their schedule; someone who will make time for you to build something that could be long term. The thing is, they will if it's right for them. You don't want someone who has no other option but to spend time with you two, you want someone who actively chooses to spend time with you. What better way to guarantee that than to be secure in the fact that they have other options but they have chosen you?

From my understanding, the successful polyfidelious triads occur when people have the option to date others, but really don't need to. Often, there is no official rule, no agreements, it just is.
 
The bottom line is, unless a partner, friend, loved one, spouse, etc... is not treating you like someone they genuinely care about, or hurting others, why would want them to be bound by the way to live that works for you, but not necessarily her?

Believe me I have been in your shoes, Duck, and it is totally natural to want them to desire the same things that you do, but you don't ever want them to forced to do something they do not want to do, or not allowed to do what makes them happy.

I do think it is always good to be honest, so no, it wouldn't be good to pretend you are OK with it, you could tell her that you don't know if that is something you can ever be OK with but desire to try. The problem most people have in these situations is that it is they cannot be honest with themselves and end up attempting to coerce the partner into doing what they want them to do

What I have found helps people, is trying to think about her relationships without sex and completely platonic -- NOT as an exercise in sticking your head in the sand and pretending there is no sex if there is -- but rather because most people have no trouble seeing how telling a partner they are not allowed to have close friends crosses the line into abusive control. Because there are strong emotions involved it is all but impossible to place restrictions on a loved one without your true motives becoming blurred and having an element of manipulation or coercion and the only way to ensure you are not controlling a loved one in abusive ways is to have full disclosure and honesty being the only restrictions.

It sounds like that is what you are doing, so keep doing that, esp if you know you wouldn't be able to handle her seeing others, people can get mad at you all they want, but so long as you are not misleading or attempting to manipulate your partners or influence them according to your desires, who cares.

Just know that when you are involved with honest, respectful people, love can conquer all and you would be surprised at the rewards it can bring into your life with compatible people. Caring compassionate relationships with respect for all involved never detracts from one's life and sex has nothing to do with it, though when sex is the aspect that prevents a relationship from continuing when all other facets of a healthy relationship are present it will hurt, but it would hurt for any reason that it ends.

It hurts, but because you all know your boundaries and have the courage to be honest about it and communicate it without ambiguity, you are preventing a much worse heart ache,

no body has a flawed outlook on life as far as I can see your situation, having the courage to communicate how you feel is an important aspect to healthy successful relationship
 
Last edited:
Hmmmmm

Upon further reflection, I change my mind about this being you wanting too much and giving too little.

I think this is simply a case of "She's not that into you." It hurts, but I think that's probably all there is to it.

In other words, it's not you, it's her. :p
 
Well, my wife and I talked and we went back to her saying we were wrong to not allow her to date others and that we wanted her in our lives. She declined and has said that she doesn't want to go through the process again and that it is too much for her.

In the end, our initial inability to see things from her persepective (although in fairness we didn't know how she felt because she didn't tell us) ment that we lost out on this relationship. We both spoke with her and she has said we are done. I feel pretty bad both that we lost her and from the fact that if I knew more, maybe this wouldn't have happened.

Life lesson I guess.....I wish I could turn back time or say the right thing to convience her but that isn't my decision.
 
In the end, our initial inability to see things from her persepective (although in fairness we didn't know how she felt because she didn't tell us)....

You needed to be told? You're unable to put yourself in another person's shoes even enough to see how they might feel being told you and your wife get to share life and take care of one another, and she gets to take care of herself, have no one else to really depend on, spend lots of time alone, and be forbidden to see anyone else and search for what you and your wife have together??? :( Empathy 101.
 
You needed to be told? You're unable to put yourself in another person's shoes even enough to see how they might feel being told you and your wife get to share life and take care of one another, and she gets to take care of herself, have no one else to really depend on, spend lots of time alone, and be forbidden to see anyone else and search for what you and your wife have together??? :( Empathy 101.

I again maybe used the wrong terms. When she was around us she said we were all she needed and that she was happy. She never mentioned dating others and when she did it was out of the blue and a shock. That is why we reacted the way we did. I honestly thought she enjoyed the relationship as it was and didn't know she wanted more. When we spoke she said that I should have known and perhaps she was right. I just didn't see it.
 
Omfg

OH MY FUCKING GOD

I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am not, flame away should you feel, if you got smokes, light em, cause I will gladly leave another forum rather than suffer the unspoken rules of taking it upon yourself to influence others by going out of your way to spread a little poison under the fallacy of justification that you are somehow doing somebody a favor or preventing some bi babes abuse in some unknown person's future, it's complete and utter bullshit and failure to recognize it is one of the failures of most poly communities.

But like NASA claiming they put a person on the moon, like "professional" wrestling isn't scripted acting albeit a little more violent or any other occurrence where something is blatantly obvious yet under know circumstances will it ever be admitted, by whatever lame rule of whatever hopelessly flawed set of beliefs "there is no fight club"

what fucking ever, fuck you

I don't give a fuck, my name is Dusty and I and don't give fuck, there is something wrong when you cannot openly discuss or are forced to abide by laws which dictate the "TRUTH" that you are allowed to believe. The same as it is abusive, nay one of the fundamentally worst ways you can infringe upon another persons Rights by dictating a persons religion or allowance to publicly no believe in God, this falls right in line of the level of wrongness perpetrated when you dictate who a person is allowed to LOVE, in my mind it is a serious offense, one that unfortunately there can never be a law against because no matter what laws you write against wrongful discrimination, the only way you can completely stop it would be to commit and equal level of crime, and that is just plain fucking deleterious

and just like the fatally flawed bullshit philosophy of the lesser of two evils amounts to nothing but terrorism because you can always choose neither evil and let them that will do evil, do evil, as you are NOT responsible for another person's actions and such threats are empty

In case you haven't Duckshoes, some places where polyamorous people hang out, whether it be online or in real life, have taken it upon themselves to believe they are more qualified than you are to make decisions in your life if it looks like it may cross the line that divides monogamy and any form of non-monogamy. So rather than risk that your girlfriend is capable enough to decide for herself that she will not let a couple manipulate her, if your relationships are not "bomb-proof" they take it upon themselves to sling the literal (with words) equivalent to ensure your mind can handle every worst thought that could possibly enter your mind, and that is a fucked up thing to do. And I have never once, not ever witnessed people ever admitting it so when denial is rampant, you can't even discuss the problem, hence it will always be a problem.

fuck that, you did nothing wrong, you were honest, I don't give a fuck if you cannot bring yourself to letting a lover see other people, that is not my right to interfere and I fully remember the reason why I severed all contact with certain people in my life due to "poly" related reasons, and if you are too stupid to admit it, well fuck you too, there are people who are not afraid of the truth, and who fully understand that denial of the TRUTH doesn't mean you have to infringe upon others' rights to know the truth, and it is NOT right for any of you to set the bar on how "thick skinned" a persons psyche need be, and should you still feel the need to scratch your head and say "huh?" let me save you the trouble

fuck you too

Just so you know Duckshoes, my words are not directed at you
 
Last edited:
OH MY FUCKING GOD

I wish I could say I was sorry, but I am not, flame away should you feel, if you got smokes, light em, cause I will gladly leave another forum rather than suffer the unspoken rules of taking it upon yourself to influence others by going out of your way to spread a little poison under the fallacy of justification that you are somehow doing somebody a favor or preventing some bi babes abuse in some unknown person's future, it's complete and utter bullshit and failure to recognize it is one of the failures of most poly communities.

But like NASA claiming they put a person on the moon, like "professional" wrestling isn't scripted acting albeit a little more violent or any other occurrence where something is blatantly obvious yet under know circumstances will it ever be admitted, by whatever lame rule of whatever hopelessly flawed set of beliefs "there is no fight club"

what fucking ever, fuck you

I don't give a fuck, my name is Dusty and I and don't give fuck, there is something wrong when you cannot openly discuss or are forced to abide by laws which dictate the "TRUTH" that you are allowed to believe. The same as it is abusive, nay one of the fundamentally worst ways you can infringe upon another persons Rights by dictating a persons religion or allowance to publicly no believe in God, this falls right in line of the level of wrongness perpetrated when you dictate who a person is allowed to LOVE, in my mind it is a serious offense, one that unfortunately there can never be a law against because no matter what laws you write against wrongful discrimination, the only way you can completely stop it would be to commit and equal level of crime, and that is just plain fucking deleterious

and just like the fatally flawed bullshit philosophy of the lesser of two evils amounts to nothing but terrorism because you can always choose neither evil and let them that will do evil, do evil, as you are NOT responsible for another person's actions and such threats are empty

In case you haven't Duckshoes, some places where polyamorous people hang out, whether it be online or in real life, have taken it upon themselves to believe they are more qualified than you are to make decisions in your life if it looks like it may cross the line that divides monogamy and any form of non-monogamy. So rather than risk that your girlfriend is capable enough to decide for herself that she will not let a couple manipulate her, if your relationships are not "bomb-proof" they take it upon themselves to sling the literal (with words) equivalent to ensure your mind can handle every worst thought that could possibly enter your mind, and that is a fucked up thing to do. And I have never once, not ever witnessed people ever admitting it so when denial is rampant, you can't even discuss the problem, hence it will always be a problem.

fuck that, you did nothing wrong, you were honest, I don't give a fuck if you cannot bring yourself to letting a lover see other people, that is not my right to interfere and I fully remember the reason why I severed all contact with certain people in my life due to "poly" related reasons, and if you are too stupid to admit it, well fuck you too, there are people who are not afraid of the truth, and who fully understand that denial of the TRUTH doesn't mean you have to infringe upon others' rights to know the truth, and it is NOT right for any of you to set the bar on how "thick skinned" a persons psyche need be, and should you still feel the need to scratch your head and say "huh?" let me save you the trouble

fuck you too

Just so you know Duckshoes, my words are not directed at you

Okay. I must admitt I am a little confused and feel like there is a back story I am unaware of here (which is fine, I don't really care to be honest)
 
I again maybe used the wrong terms. When she was around us she said we were all she needed and that she was happy. She never mentioned dating others and when she did it was out of the blue and a shock. That is why we reacted the way we did. I honestly thought she enjoyed the relationship as it was and didn't know she wanted more. When we spoke she said that I should have known and perhaps she was right. I just didn't see it.

Communication and honesty go both ways, and if she's guilty of scotch-taping the unicorn horn to her forehead, then I can see why you're shocked when it falls off.

At least now you know what to talk about proactively when you meet someone new. Hard lesson to learn, but it looks like you're working on understanding, and I hope it'll serve you all well the next time.

And DC, I heard your brain explode from here... Your F-bomb laden post made me think of this song, and now that the earworm has taken hold, it's not going away. So, of course, I'm sharing with everyone coz that's how I roll. You're welcome. :p
 
Duck-

Dirt is venting over his/her being pissed off that so many people on this board are of the attitude that you should be a mind reader and know that there is a "right" and "wrong" in your dynamic without the other person stating their need/preferences
BECAUSE
so many of the people believe there is a right/wrong way to do poly.

It's an ongoing conflict that "ethics" change from person to person, place to place, etc (some disagree and feel that there is strictly ethical or nonethical behavior) and in that conflict-especially-is what is or is not "ethical" behavior regarding a relationship when it is with a person who is being "added" to a current existing relationship.

I'm not stating an opinion in any direction-just saying-if you were confused-that was what Dirt was going off about-and wasn't directed at you, but probably at a variety of people replying to your thread.

DIRT-it would still be helpful you if you use the "quote" feature to reference what on earth you are replying to so people don't sit around wondering what on earth you are writing about. Ya know?
 
Back
Top