Jealous behavior

I didn't say you are the neurotic one but you are putting your relationship before your kid

You said she interrupts your kid's time with their dad. or are you taking that back, now?
 
I didn't say you are the neurotic one but you are putting your relationship before your kid

You said she interrupts your kid's time with their dad. or are you taking that back, now?

I didn't say she was interrupting N's time. I said she was interrupting while he was with me, but I couldn't know about what goes on when I'm at work (5 days a week while G takes care of N). My concern is the interruption of my time with G. With our work schedules, we don't have much time together, so it's frustrating. Still don't see how I'm putting my relationship before N simply because I care about what happens to it. N's healthy, happy, and well loved.

Maybe I wasn't clear in my op about my issue, but it is not and never has been N's time with G. N is almost as bonded with G as she is with me.
 
Ok. This makes it clearer. Where is G and baby whilst you're at work? If they are at your home, 5 days a week away from his other partner on top of a work schedule is a lot of time away from his wife and other child. She probably sees that as you choosing for him to do his part of raising the baby when you're not there so if you don't get couple time as a result of that, that is your choice. All three of you know he is extremely stretched and needs to share his resources. If you had childcare, he would have more time to see his kid when you're there and you'd get couple time too
He could also take baby to his other home when you're working
The women could take both babies to allow couple time for others
 
Ok. This makes it clearer. Where is G and baby whilst you're at work? If they are at your home, 5 days a week away from his other partner on top of a work schedule is a lot of time away from his wife and other child. She probably sees that as you choosing for him to do his part of raising the baby when you're not there so if you don't get couple time as a result of that, that is your choice. All three of you know he is extremely stretched and needs to share his resources. If you had childcare, he would have more time to see his kid when you're there and you'd get couple time too
He could also take baby to his other home when you're working
The women could take both babies to allow couple time for others

He stays at my place, but sometimes he will take N to their place or bring L and J with him. I arranged for childcare to help him be at their home 4 days uninterrupted and at our home 3 days uninterrupted.

L couldn't watch N and J because she can barely handle J by herself (often calls G or texts me because he's upset and his crying stresses her out.) I can't watch J because L doesn't like pumping (bought her a really nice pump for date nights and when she goes back to work, but that was a huge waste of money) and doesn't want him to have formula. He's barely past his birth weight and he's 2 months old. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I couldn't make this up.

I have suggested these things and she's put up these obstacles, which is why I have concerns about her behavior. G complains that he doesn't get to see me much, but it's not my fault that he spends half of his visit on the phone. He got really upset with me when I canceled overnights for the foreseeable future because L calls him every time the baby wakes up. I get up at 6:45, so I think that's inconsiderate for her to do and him to allow.
 
I don't think it's ridiculous to not want to formula feed your infant. Quite the opposite. But is he being seen by a healthcare professional who monitors his weight? If he is active, alert, having wet and dirty diapers and waking for feeds, he is probably fine.

The only thing you can do is continue to protect your boundaries and health as well as your babies health. Your partner has to manage his responsibilities better and maintain his relationships. You can't force him to take steps to protect your relationship and sooner or later, if he doesn't change, you'll have to decide if you can live with the deal you're getting. If you can't, you'll have to break up & be active co parents
 
I don't think it's ridiculous to not want to formula feed your infant. Quite the opposite. But is he being seen by a healthcare professional who monitors his weight? If he is active, alert, having wet and dirty diapers and waking for feeds, he is probably fine.

The only thing you can do is continue to protect your boundaries and health as well as your babies health. Your partner has to manage his responsibilities better and maintain his relationships. You can't force him to take steps to protect your relationship and sooner or later, if he doesn't change, you'll have to decide if you can live with the deal you're getting. If you can't, you'll have to break up & be active co parents

I think that being unwilling to try everything is ridiculous. I exclusively breastfeed N I don't want to formula feed either, but I do as much as I can to keep my supply up and I pump so there are plenty of bottles. She whines that she never gets a break from J, but she doesn't want to pump. She doesn't like drinking water and she doesn't eat enough. J's doctor said she should supplement in the meantime because J is still so small and he isn't very active or alert, but she doesn't want to. G keeps asking me to help her, but I can only lead by example. I send articles and tell her what I'm doing that works and she brushes me off. I worry about J but there's nothing I can do, so I try not to let that be another stressor.

You're right. I'll just continue to take care of N and myself and if things don't get better, I'll have to reevaluate.
 
It's possible L is experiencing post-partum depression. I would bring this up to G. He's likely the only one that might be able to help her deal with it if that is the case. He could try talking to her OB about it and possibly the pediatrician if the OB is unavailable to him for some reason. I had post-partum deression for 2 years after my first child was born. I can't stress enough how irrational it can make you, and it could well put their baby at risk - already is if he's not thriving and she's not adjusting to take care of it. Please don't take it personally if that is what's going on, either. PP depression is a beast with a life of it's own and horrific to deal with. It doesn't care about anything and is very dangerous if left untreated. Please consider discussing this with G.
 
So I'm supposed to throw away our relationship because there's pregnancy and nowthat the baby is here that the baby is patchYuri our and we have kids? That's not very good advice. And a new mom's feofelings are very important. Anyone who says hi os otherwise has never dealt with post partum depression. I loveinvolved r than life, and I love G or N wouldn't ein rheir life en be here. But G told me I was co-primary not secondary and that L was on board with that. I simply need advice on how to deal with this the right way. I don't want bad feelings to fester among us. Obviously, I want what's best for N. Broken hearted parents is not high on the list.

I think you aren't being treated like a partner. He's shown preferences all through your pregnacy and now and now that the baby is here hes not giving your child equal time. I would step away and let him be a coparent instead of a romantic partner because it sounds like she is going to find any reason to interfere at least if you arrnt involved romantically your child could have a dad half the time instead of little snippets when the wife allows him to go over. I think a proper custody arrangement is a splendid idea.
 
If a baby is lethargic and underfed, a doctor would admit them to hospital if they wanted to keep their job
It is more likely the doctor is pro formula and wants to keep the charts happy
 
I think you aren't being treated like a partner. He's shown preferences all through your pregnacy and now and now that the baby is here hes not giving your child equal time. I would step away and let him be a coparent instead of a romantic partner because it sounds like she is going to find any reason to interfere at least if you arrnt involved romantically your child could have a dad half the time instead of little snippets when the wife allows him to go over. I think a proper custody arrangement is a splendid idea.
He has the kid 5x a week, on his own. It's couple time they struggle to find
 
If a baby is lethargic and underfed, a doctor would admit them to hospital if they wanted to keep their job.



I disagree. I once had a mom come to my breastfeeding support group with a failure to thrive baby, shrunken, wrinkled and with zero energy. 6 months old, the size of a 3 months old. She wasn't breastfeeding him enough (he was a very laid back child with big sisters eager to hold him, so mom would feed him for a few minutes and pass him to a sister). She didn't like doctors and refused to give her baby bottles of formula as he was recommending. Luckily she trusted the Leaders in my group. We set her up with a pump to get her supply up, and got her feeding that baby round the clock, breastfeeding directly, and supplementing with a dropper with her pumped milk or formula (until her supply increased) when baby got tired suckling at the breast. He doubled his weight in a couple months. Whew! It was a scary thing.

In this case, OP, I'd say your metamour has major problems. A failure to thrive baby, inablity to care for him, or for herself. Have some compassion and dump her husband. This sounds like a clusterfuck, and your need for romantic activity is overshadowed by the imminent risk to that baby's life.

If her husband is no longer so torn between the 2 of you, maybe he can get some bottles of formula and start feeding his child himself! Or talk his wife into breastfeeding longer and more often, and pumping. There is no time to waste here!

You could also call CPS on them if need be. Not feeding a newborn often enough is child abuse.
 
It's possible L is experiencing post-partum depression. I would bring this up to G. He's likely the only one that might be able to help her deal with it if that is the case. He could try talking to her OB about it and possibly the pediatrician if the OB is unavailable to him for some reason. I had post-partum deression for 2 years after my first child was born. I can't stress enough how irrational it can make you, and it could well put their baby at risk - already is if he's not thriving and she's not adjusting to take care of it. Please don't take it personally if that is what's going on, either. PP depression is a beast with a life of it's own and horrific to deal with. It doesn't care about anything and is very dangerous if left untreated. Please consider discussing this with G.

I will right away. That's a big deal. I had severe baby blues, but I can't imagine what true PPD is like.
 
Eta nevermind I kept reading. If she's not taking care of the baby then he shouldn't be leaving her alone with baby at all. Geez how scary. I wouldn't be able to enjoy any time with him knowing that poor baby could be in danger :( I do rhink giventhis new piece of info breaking up at least temporary is a good solution. The other mother needs to get help first
 
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This is why I specified a doctor who wants to keep their job

There are steps that hcp's have to take in such cases. Unfortunately, their practice is only critiqued after a child is harmed significantly
Basically a shit doctor
 
I think you aren't being treated like a partner. He's shown preferences all through your pregnacy and now and now that the baby is here hes not giving your child equal time. I would step away and let him be a coparent instead of a romantic partner because it sounds like she is going to find any reason to interfere at least if you arrnt involved romantically your child could have a dad half the time instead of little snippets when the wife allows him to go over. I think a proper custody arrangement is a splendid idea.

He has apologized repeatedly over his behavior during my pregnancy and I think he's trying to overcompensate. He spends plenty of time with N, so I'm not worried about that. I'm a healthy, upbeat person and L is not so oftentimes he assumes that I can handle myself and that I don't need emotional support. I've had to explain to him that that is not the case.
 
L has asked me several times what I did to get my supply up and she doesn't want to do what's necessary I.e. staying hydrated, pumping, and eating enough. I'm sitting down with G tonight to discuss L and J's health. I saw them today and I'm seriously worried about J. It's worse than I thought. I will also be discussing a temporary separation until L and J are out of harm's way. If she has PPD, I'm not the problem, but I can do my best to get a solution going. I don't want to give G up, but N and I can manage on our own for awhile.
 
I haven't read the whole thread-I read the first page.

But I wanted to say-it may be helpful if you could step out of the "dyad" thought and call her up. Ask her to meet you (babies in tow) someplace neutral and baby friendly.
If she agrees;
don't bring up the shared man.
Tell her you don't want to talk about him today. Today is about YOU, HER and the babies.
Let her know that you want to know how you can help foster a friendly relationship between YOU AND HER for the sake of your children. That you want the children to benefit from having siblings, not be hurt because their parents may have had some timing issues or other complications.

She may vent. Let her-don't rise to arguing. Her feelings may be completely irrational-but they are her feelings. Let her get that out.

But instead of going into the details of all of those things; bring it back to;
"I'm sorry you are hurt/angry/whatever; but I know you and I both have the same desire to make life for our children the best it can be and I want to work with you towards this goal."

Sometimes; if you can just refocus the attention on what is MOST important; some of the other stuff will resolve itself. You (and she) can't change him. He sounds like he isn't pulling his weight as the hinge in the dynamic or the father to BOTH children.
It may be the case that she is struggling with him not doing his share at home. Whereas you sound very independent and while he's not doing his share-you aren't fighting about it.
With my first child, I just let it go. My bf failed to step up to the plate. I ended up raising her alone the first 6 years. Then I got married.
I fought when it was my husband. My husband didn't pull his share (no poly dynamic at that time) when our son was a baby. I flipped my lid. I called him when he was out with friends because he SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME WITH HIS SON so I could get a break.
It may be that she isn't willing to let him get away with not doing his part. Even if she doesn't know a HEALTHY way of putting her foot down-she may have a legitimate reason for being upset.
He may have no idea HOW to do it. Any of it. One child is a learning curve. 2 at once is hard as hell. 2 at once in different homes with different moms who have different expectations. I can't imagine.

So-take it out of the romantic entanglement and put the topic of the kids best interests on the table. See if that helps?
 
You need to bow out OP...

G needs to take care of his children and L right now. You romantic needs are the last thing are the list.
 
Rreading the last page-definitely agree with backing up and promoting them getting help.
But I still think-if you can get her to meet with you; do it anyway. Sometimes; the oddest person can be help. You could even make the offer to go with her to the doctor. Ask her how you can be of help TO HER.
 
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