Here goes.......
I love my wife first and foremost, she's my sun and stars (to refernce game of thrones) we have been married for 10 years, and together for 12. We have two children 6 and 17months. Like any relationship, we have had hard times, and we're still working on recovering from those together. Earlier this year she decided that monoagmy wasn't working for her, and that was a crushing blow to me.
I cried a lot, I questioned myself and my value and worth, I considered bailing totally. We did a few sessions of couple counseling, which she then decided she did not wish to continue, because I was crying a lot in there, and she couldn't take it. I started reading online and in books, both about open relationships, specifically, and relationships in general, trying to help myself and heal this wound.
I recall I said "If this is what you want, I can't stop you, but I don't know if I can handle it, and what the consequences to our relationship might be"
It seems she took that as a threat. Maybe I said it wrong. we've talked about it since, and I asked that we get our own heads and relationship into a good and solid place before this can of worms got opened completely. We are still trying to recover from both of having depression issues, and losing a big part of our emotional intimacy, and trying to get it back when you have children, work, school and all the things that take up time, getting that time for each other is hard.
So anyway, it appears that we were making progress, then last night it all exploded. She has been visiting family out of town for the summer, looking for job opportunities, etc. She got involved with a poly support group, which she said was really good for her, and I am glad for that.
At any rate she calls me last night after a blow-up with her family and said "I refuse to accept Monagamy, and if you can't accept that then we are done."
I was crushed. I've been trying to educate myself, to get there, to be as understanding as I can be while working through my own fear and insecurity about it. Now it's "you decide RIGHT NOW, because I'm going to do what I want, and you can either deal with it or go to hell" Not the exact words, but certainly what was implied. Well, I love her, I love my children, so here's what I am going to ask for in negotiation.
1. I want us to remain exclusive for 3-6 months (time frame to be discussed)
2. I want us to engage in counseling together during that time frame, as well as continuing the individual work we've been doing.
3. I do not wish to open the relationship until we BOTH agree that it can withstand the additional stresses that this will create.
I also want to make it clear that I acknowledge and respect her views, and that I do not expect her to hide them from me, only that we are honest, and that we will care for each other.
I sincerely hope we can make it work.
I have ideas for boundaries, but I think that is something we need to work through together.
I love my wife first and foremost, she's my sun and stars (to refernce game of thrones) we have been married for 10 years, and together for 12. We have two children 6 and 17months. Like any relationship, we have had hard times, and we're still working on recovering from those together. Earlier this year she decided that monoagmy wasn't working for her, and that was a crushing blow to me.
I cried a lot, I questioned myself and my value and worth, I considered bailing totally. We did a few sessions of couple counseling, which she then decided she did not wish to continue, because I was crying a lot in there, and she couldn't take it. I started reading online and in books, both about open relationships, specifically, and relationships in general, trying to help myself and heal this wound.
I recall I said "If this is what you want, I can't stop you, but I don't know if I can handle it, and what the consequences to our relationship might be"
It seems she took that as a threat. Maybe I said it wrong. we've talked about it since, and I asked that we get our own heads and relationship into a good and solid place before this can of worms got opened completely. We are still trying to recover from both of having depression issues, and losing a big part of our emotional intimacy, and trying to get it back when you have children, work, school and all the things that take up time, getting that time for each other is hard.
So anyway, it appears that we were making progress, then last night it all exploded. She has been visiting family out of town for the summer, looking for job opportunities, etc. She got involved with a poly support group, which she said was really good for her, and I am glad for that.
At any rate she calls me last night after a blow-up with her family and said "I refuse to accept Monagamy, and if you can't accept that then we are done."
I was crushed. I've been trying to educate myself, to get there, to be as understanding as I can be while working through my own fear and insecurity about it. Now it's "you decide RIGHT NOW, because I'm going to do what I want, and you can either deal with it or go to hell" Not the exact words, but certainly what was implied. Well, I love her, I love my children, so here's what I am going to ask for in negotiation.
1. I want us to remain exclusive for 3-6 months (time frame to be discussed)
2. I want us to engage in counseling together during that time frame, as well as continuing the individual work we've been doing.
3. I do not wish to open the relationship until we BOTH agree that it can withstand the additional stresses that this will create.
I also want to make it clear that I acknowledge and respect her views, and that I do not expect her to hide them from me, only that we are honest, and that we will care for each other.
I sincerely hope we can make it work.
I have ideas for boundaries, but I think that is something we need to work through together.