This tiny life is making sense--travels by the CowleyRoad

CowleyRoad

New member
So how did a 36-year-old terribly shy straight male with only three sex partners ever (two of whom he was married to!) until last month decide together with his near-lesbian wife to embark on a swinging adventure that suddenly blossomed into something like a polyamorous relationship? Well, if you figure out, let me know, because I don't yet...

The back story: yes, I am terribly shy. I prefer writing because speaking is difficult for me--although I'm getting better at it. I love books and reading and literary discussion. And, as my wife will attest, while I'm not good at interaction with a lot of people, when I am close to someone my shell disappears. In other words, I prefer one to many. So on the face of it, I was never the greatest candidate to go swinging.

But at the same time my wife and I wanted to expand our sexuality. As I say my wife is closer to lesbian than even 50-50 bi. She has always been attracted to women more than men, even if she has never felt comfortable expressing that due to family and societal pressures. She came out to me about three years ago and I can't say I was surprised. There had been a lot of little hints dropped from time to time. I do not know why she has such an attraction to me. She says there is something very different about me in comparison with other men...that I do many things in a very womanly fashion. I don't see it myself but I can understand what she means.

After two years of discussion, we decided to try swinging to expand our sexuality. Really we didn't know from the outset what that would mean for us. Neither of us felt comfortable seeing a lot of people. We were both I think secretly hoping we would find a person or couple that we liked seeing more than once, who we could really get to know both in and out of bed. How fortunate, then, that the first couple we met were B and H.

You can read all about our first encounters with B and H and their own history in the earlier thread I started [url="http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3280]here[/url]. Let me just say here a few things about B and H which will help this life story make more sense. First off, B is a very sexually-charged woman. As I have said here before "nothing B does is completely non-sexual." And of course the four of us started as swinging partners so our first couple encounters were sexual. So a lot more of this life story is going to revolve around sex than the average story here. I apologize for that in advance but that's B's language and that's the place where we come from. I promise not to turn this into erotica, but I am going to reference it. Secondly, we're new at this and please take that into account. I worry about not using the language correctly. I'm not even sure what our relationship could be called right now or how to refer to B's relationship to me or my wife's relationship to H or whatever. H does not want this called poly, full stop. But it's definitely more than swinging or casual sex. I called B and H "our entanglement" here...that seems to work right now :)

Our understanding of B and H changes day-to-day as we learn more about them and about where we stand with them. But I'll try to describe a bit about them and us. The four of us come from pretty different worlds. My wife and I come from a very academic background, and although B and H are extremely intelligent, they have sold themselves short at times. I'm trying to draw that out of B in particular and I'll work on H next! They're more familiar with poly/swinging/sexual entanglements than us and have a lot of friends in the "scene" as it were. We have none and we'd probably be shunned if we were out about what we're doing. My dad would probably disown me, in fact.

Whew, that's a lot to start. To be continued...
 
Without brakes, then...?

It's fun to drive fast and feel the wind in your hair and watch the scenery slip by as you hurtle toward your destination. Last night was one of those hard-driving nights. We visited B and H at their home again. H announced early on that he was "out of commission" after a work-related accident to his, um, genitals. But he didn't want us to stop us from having fun, and he actually rather liked the idea, especially because the other three of us promised him some fun without me when things repaired themselves. The evening started slowly as we watched some things on TV and ate pizza and wings. H pulled the foldout couch out so the other three of us could relax, as it were. After a while I sat next to H and talked about a bunch of stuff while we let my wife and B kiss and talk.

An hour later, my wife and B were still kissing and talking, and H announced that, "Hey, if you want to start anything, be my guest." This was the equivalent of throwing a match on gasoline for B, and she started getting very intimate with my wife, eventually having sex with her while I held her. Then B turned her attentions to me, then back to her for a long while, then back to me again. All the while H was watching and smiling. Eventually, B and I were in a long naked embrace. We talked about our feelings towards each other, our goals and desires. She has fallen for me, that is very obvious. She spoke of love. I was honest with her that I was starting to fall in love with her as well, but I was nervous about the pace and the effect it might have on H and my wife. She said she had also fallen in love with my wife, although in a different way. Meanwhile, my wife and H were showing each other much affection. B was almost in tears, saying "that is not how H usually is, your wife is very special to him." We kissed and held each other until our bodies seemed fused.

But now the downside, when the car needs to have some brakes. My wife is starting to fear the intensity of the relationship between B and I. So am I. B can put on a very tough exterior but she is extremely vulnerable. She is used to men not showing her physical affection, and she is used to thinking of men as being pigs. H is not a pig but he has not always shown her the affection she wants, so I come along and, right. So she's fallen hard for that part of me. And I'm scared about the effect it's having on me. I want to help that vulnerable side of her, and that's the wrong thing to do. Patronizing to her, offensive to my wife, and dangerous for me. My wife says it is OK to love her. But I fear what the consequences of that are, for my wife and for H and for me. And I'm so scared. My wife is supporting me and letting me express how I feel toward B but at the same time she realizes that we could be in for a great crash.

B wants my love. But cars need brakes and sometimes love needs limits, for cars without brakes hurt people and sometimes love does as well.
 
To realize

Last night was difficult. My wife was very upset with B's attempt to go around her and H, and wanted to talk to her. She did and was surprised by the depth of her emotion...anger mostly but betrayal and hurt. She said to me she didn't want to be accusatory but it came out that way she admitted. B was kind of evasive with some of her answers
My wife was angry after that and we argued but we kept communicating. I got the sense this all might be over. I told my wife that "if you want to end this tell me to end it now, and we will get through it, but as it is we're getting very hurt
" She didn't want to. I got the sense she said it so I wouldn't get hurt. I wish she knew I am already hurting uncontrollably. I felt betrayed by B too. I told her in a text "you need to stop going around people or we will lose each other."

B wrote to both of us individually and also together. She spent all night writing by the look of the time stamps on the emails. She admitted she was going too fast with me, and was afraid she was scaring my wife. She said or claimed to be telling H everything about how she felt about us. She claimed he was already aware. I want to believe her but my wife isn't sure. She also says she wants to be polyfaithful to us but H isn't ready for that. My wife doesn't believe that. She also says she loves my wife and my wife REALLY doesn't believe that. I'm not sure she could ever regain my wife's trust after yesterday.

B also said she is planning to take a trip away at short notice, for a week or more. My wife and I think she's running away from her problems. I hope she takes the time to think about things. But her decision to do this is really demonstrating how vulnerable and damaged she is. I want to tell her no don't do this, but it's not my place to do it. So I sit here paralyzed in fear. Will she come back to change her mind? Will she come back at all?

Will my wife and I survive this? It's the only non-negotiable thing. She is worth more to me than anything. But I see emotions in her that are frightening and I can neither push B away nor get closer ... the first because she will always blame herself for ending it and breaking my and B's heart, the second because she will have the broken heart.

I read here that "the joys in polyamory are multiplied But the pain is exponential." Three people make me happy but their fears and multiple relationships are almost infinite. I wish I had a better realization.
 
No situation so bad it can't get worse

Last night I almost lost my marriage.

My wife came home in a furious mood over work. She and I fought back and forth for hours. Most of it revolved around work and her problems but when I suggested that maybe our problems with B might be making it worse things really got bad. She was mad that B was contacting me more than her and when I said that was not always true (and in fact H does not respond to me at all, which is troubling ) she got angrier. She said "B is just trying to get on my good side to get to you." When I said that I thought B's feelings towards her were genuine she disagreed. She intimated that part of the reason she was ok with B loving me was that she "didn't deserve me" and she felt B could give me things she couldn't. I said I would leave B if it would help her because my wife is the one I want to be with. She said if I left B she would leave me or worse because she "couldn't live with herself for "making me unhappy." We ended up fighting a lot more.

My wife has had self-esteem issues for many years. I thought things were getting better but I see a lot of problems reappearing since this started with B and H (she denies this). Last night made me realize that things are not ok. I feel stuck...feel like my relationship with B is hurting her and our marriage, but she will not let me leave B. It doesn't help that B is starting to tell me very personal things that make me realize leaving her will hurt her too.

So now what? We are looking at counseling, maybe too at slowing things down further. I'm not sure any amount of slowing down will work. My wife suggested not talking to B for two months, then B wrote (without knowing what was going on) "if you need to wait I can wait for ten years". So who knows? Then my wife suggested we meet B this weekend to discuss slowing things down "because maybe only if we're physically there will she get the message." Maybe. I don't think she's comfortable with B talking to me at all. When I got a text from B today she said "I thought all this was supposed to be about me, you are supposed to slow down" even though the text asked me what kind of jewelry my wife liked. One minute she says she's happy for B and I, the next she doesn't want me to contact her for weeks. She says we need to take a break, but she was the one suggesting the meetup this weekend.

Feel like my heart is shattered into ten thousand pieces
And it's probably going to get worse soon. I'm truly scared of losing my wife now but I have no idea how to fix things.
 
I don't have any advice but I feel for your situation and I think I know what that feels like. I'm not sure what you do with it though.

Good luck
 
The mountain / the handhold

Waiting now to talk to B. B called and spoke with my wife, then had to go for a while, but has promised to call back. They are meeting on Saturday--I guess I will not be there, but that is probably for the best. My wife didn't mention anything about how either of us were feeling, which is probably also for the best.

Because, in a nutshell, I'm feeling completely shattered. I told her that I can't go on much longer like this, not feeling there was a way out. I feel a bit like a mountain climber. If I could see where the next handhold was, where the next place I should put my foot, then I'd be...well not OK but a little better off. And I don't really know where that handhold might be, or when I might find it.

And it just continues. It feels as if the slightest bit of happiness is snuffed out in less than a day, that a great time with B and H is immediately followed by dread and doubt and fear, which then lasts until the next time with B and H, which is seemingly great but then followed again by another period of dread and doubt and fear. I want so much to talk to B and work things out but...it's not happening yet.

-------------------

I just got to talk to B. My wife said that she has not seen me smile like I did when I was on the phone with her. Although my wife talked to her for about three times as long as I did, and I know I'm probably not going to see B for the next three weeks, I feel...some measure of peace. B and my wife are going to meet on Saturday, and my wife is at last comfortable with giving us a little space to ourselves. She's agreed that we can talk on the phone for one night a week, for at least half an hour, without her there. It's going to be a long time before she will feel comfortable with more, and maybe she will never feel comfortable with us being alone (maybe H will never feel that way either).

But is this the first handhold? It seems that way. There is so, so much for my wife and I to work through, not just in relation to B and H but also with each other. And neither is this the last difficult day I'm going to go through. But...there is a way upwards.
 
So, about that other guy he wants you to sleep with

Everything was going really well yesterday. B and my wife were planning their day trip out. H was in a really good mood because he had gotten a new electronic toy, and he was texting my wife and me (!) all about it. B went to work around 7, and H started texting my wife again, then shyly asked if he could call. So, he did, and he and my wife ended up talking for an hour. It was all very sweet. My wife still insists that she doesn't think she can fall in love with him, but I don't think anyone is expecting or forcing her to. There is an obvious friendship and affection, though, and B and I both are enjoying watching it grow.

So then I was a little disappointed that I hadn't received a reply to a text I had sent B. My wife said, "well, there's no reason she can't text you," and let her know that. B sent me a few texts and things were going well. Then B started sending some very naughty texts to my wife and all was amusing and sexy for a while. But one of the last texts...well...opened up a real can of worms. B let it slip that while H was having his "genital injury troubles" he made her an offer: that really cute guy she knows who wants to bang her? The one that's obviously not me? Well, he doesn't mind if he sleeps with her while H watches! Now B made it clear that she was not interested in this offer...

But. H didn't want me to even talk to B on the phone alone, but it's OK for her to fuck some other guy she barely even knows? What. The. Fuck.

Yeah, that one called for a serious time out. I was pissed about that and my wife was completely on my side over that. I'm not even sure why B had to mention that. I know it was an attempt to show me that she was looking to abandon her formerly wild ways, but...seriously, did I need to know that?

So B called me. She warned me early on that her phone was dying. I admitted to her, look, I appreciate so much that you are turning down offers like that, and I know what this means, but on the other hand it's not easy to hear that H is OK with you sleeping with random guys but wants pretty serious restrictions on contacting me. She got that. I said, you know, I thought H was being pretty cool with my wife and I, talking to and texting us all day. And she's admitted to H that she's fallen in love with both of us, and he's totally cool with her spending the day with my wife. So, what up B? B admitted there was some other stuff going on. Mainly, that H isn't ready to settle down just yet. She's OK with abandoning the swinging lifestyle to settle into a poly relationship. He's not, because of a previous bad experience with poly, and, as she put it bluntly, there's a part of him that still wants to be a horndog. It's obvious he loves B and craves sex with my wife but maybe that's not enough for him now. I said I respected their lifestyle (this is something that B worries about me, that my lack of experience in this leads me to not respect them as people) and I understood that people needed to move at different paces.

Then her phone died. Shit.

Wife and I went to bed. I slept, sort of. Woke up at 6 and clutched her tightly. Finally around 8 I checked my phone. Nothing. My wife wanted to call off the day at first, said that I was the one who needed to talk to B, and she felt nervous talking to her. I said "you're the person that H trusts with B, I need you to talk to her." She wasn't sure, and her self-esteem was starting to ebb. I reminded her of how much B would like to see her. I kissed her to tell her it was OK. Then we had passionate, giggly, multiorgasmic sex, which I had wanted so badly from her. Around 9:30 we finally bothered to check my phone again. B had texted around 8:30. She said that she and H had talked a lot, and she would tell my wife about what they had discussed. She was afraid of losing me and said she hadn't slept all night. She reiterated that she loved me. I texted back to tell her I loved her too.

So I think today might actually go OK.
 
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H sounds way too much like my OSO. Power and control make him tick, and he isn't even aware of it.
 
Jade -- I wonder if it's that, or something a little more complex. My wife (who though analytical is very perceptive) thought H might be trying to slow down the relationship between B and I by introducing complications. Could be. Or he just wants to have sex with a lot of people and sees it all ending. B could end all that because she is typically the instigator of that for H. He sees B settling down and he doesn't want to.

I'll find out more when my wife gets back. They sent me pictures from the beach. They are both so beautiful. I do need to remind myself of how fortunate I am when things are not going so well.
 
Finally, there is clarity?

B's cell phone was not the only one which died over the weekend. I called my wife at 6 to see if she was on her way home. By 7 I was getting a little antsy, because there had been no response to either text or call. So I did something which I'd wanted to do but hadn't had the guts to. I called B. B told me my wife had left at quarter after 6 but that her cell had died, and she'd been trying to call her too. Then I asked B the question...what's going on with all this?

A long sigh. Apparently, that morning, she had talked to H about his offer from the previous night. She asked him point blank "why is it OK for me to sleep with random guy but not with CowleyRoad?" H said he felt nervous about me, and was afraid I would try to take B from him. B said that wasn't the case, but H was still concerned about that. B said she'd work slowly with him. B also admitted that, yes, H is not ready to settle down and commit to my wife and I, even though my wife intrigues him a lot. H has this list of things (OK people) he'd like to try. As it happens, my wife is top of that list (put there by B, but admitted to by H). H is rather infatuated with her, in fact...he has called her three nights in a row now. Anyway, B said, H will be OK with us being together at...some point. Maybe when his list is complete. Maybe in June. 2011.

So, sigh. After I hung up my wife came back. She was all thrilled about her time with B and I threw a turd on that, and I am sorry to her about that. She wasn't too happy with the time table, either, but we realized that we had to go at H's pace. She was especially a little confused that H felt OK to call her and talk for an hour or so, but that it wasn't OK for me to do that with B. After H talked to my wife last night, B sent me a text. She was willing to talk to my wife and H, and see whether it would be OK for me to have "supervised" calls with her, for about 15-20 minutes at a time, for a few days a week. It pained me a little that that was the best we could ask for, but we also realize we need to go slow. My wife agreed right away. H probably took some talking.

So tonight was the first night of the experiment. My wife and I agreed...keep the conversation light and not about "sappy stuff." First H called my wife, amusingly. He is a bit sappy himself I think even if he doesn't know it. Then B called my wife and talked for a bit. She handed the phone to me. Then, to her overwhelming credit and in a very loving display of trust, she left me alone to talk. B and I talked about some of the intellectual things we shared, and some books we'd both read. We actually ended up talking for 25 minutes. Then we wished each other well. I was rather sad not to hear an "I love you" from her.

But a few minutes later she texted back. "I know I'm not supposed to say it but I do love you. Overwhelmingly so." And I responded in kind.
 
Wandering around lost

Obviously it is not August 30.

Being busy at work and a computer down and just not knowing what to write has plagued me. Don't know what to write but must to get it off my chest.

The bottom line is that even though H agreed to let B go ahead with calling it poly, nothing really changed. B and I talk, but H is with B and she is self-censoring over the phone. She doesn't like it but puts up with it. On Thursday night she called from work and was able to say "I love you" over the phone for the first time in over a week. That felt nice. She was able to say it again from work last night, which also felt nice. For a while.

I can't say as I've felt either overwhelmingly happy or calm at all these last few days. "Scared" is the only emotion I've really felt for over a week. Scared because the relationship between me and my wife is hitting unbearable highs and lows. Either fighting or extreme closeness. Either hatred or incredible love.

And scared because I keep asking myself "what the fuck am I doing?" B has told me more about her past and her present. She is a very damaged woman. I'm used to that, my wife is a very damaged woman as well. Can I support both of them? Earlier this week I was able to support B and she cherished my caring nature. But then I wasn't able to support my wife later in the week. I collapsed in self-hatred. Why couldn't I be there for her at that point, when she needed me? The other night I had a nightmare, a friend handed me a box of broken glass and asked me to put the shattered pieces back together. Every piece of glass cut me, but as I put the pieces together I saw that the pieces composed a picture of my wife and a picture of B. Will I be able to put the pieces together? I worry.

It's almost as if I beg my wife to stop me from myself. But at the same time my wife is starting to fall for B. Maybe against her own better judgment, but all the same, there are feelings developing for her. And she doesn't want me to leave B. Is it because she will feel responsible for breaking up our relationship? Is it because she wants to be with B too? I don't think even she knows.

And in the midst of this maelstrom is H, who kind of rises above it all. Last night B told me she was very nervous about things, and I admitted my wife and I were too. She said "well H is just calm about everything." I asked her if she felt that H had a measure of control. "No H doesn't control me" she laughed. I believe that. But at the same time she's hinted at massive rifts in their relationship. I can't have that on my conscience. My ex-wife trusted me to be honest with her, then repaid my honesty by cheating on me and breaking up our marriage. I have been extremely careful to not allow B to go behind H's back at any time absolutely because of that. I don't know if their marriage will survive--not because of us necessarily, but because their marriage might not have survived anyway. But I can't feel responsible.

I want my marriage to survive too. For the first time my wife has told me things like "I will leave you if...", and not because I want to be with B, but because I ask to leave. To ease her pain. To stop all this. There are times I want to get off this rollercoaster, that I can't hang on any more, that my emotions are affecting my life and work and home life. But it seems nothing ever changes, that a few minutes of respite are then thrown against hours of worry. I feel stuck between B's "overwhelming" (her words) love and my wife's need for love and my own need for sanity. I worry that my wife's desire "not to hurt me" will lead to disaster. Because, honestly, I am hurting already.

And lastly there are times when I wake up at 4 in the morning and think to myself "how will this end?" I want to write a letter to B in case it all ends tonight. We are meeting, the four of us, and it could very well end if we can't negotiate all the logistics, how my wife and B can spend time together, how one day I can spend time with B (which H is seemingly not ready for yet). Where the lines are drawn. And there is a part of me, no matter how much I love B, no matter how my wife wants me to stay with her, that just wants to hand her that letter and say "I'm sorry. This is my fault." It might destroy her, or help her rebuild with H, or maybe she just shrugs her shoulders and finds another me. And then my wife and I are left wondering how we deal with all the things we've learned about each other...that maybe I really am poly, that this being "actively bi" thing is not so bad for my wife, that there are trust issues that we might never see eye to eye again.

So.
 
Something better, something brighter

Just before my wife and I left to meet up with B and H, weird thing #1 happened. H called me. To ask if I wanted to meet up later in the week. Seriously. I thought that was a good sign.

Weird thing #2 happened right when B came to the restaurant where we met up with them. She came in...and was wearing...OK you are going to start laughing now...a lobster suit. Seriously, again. B knows that I have a fear (ok, maybe not exactly a fear) of lobsters. She actually came into the restaurant wearing a lobster suit. I am going to tell you right now, when it comes to calming fears, B is an absolute genius. Who else could have done that? I laughed my butt off.

Could anything have gone badly after that? Well, no, but it went even better than I thought it could have. Actually, there were hiccups. H admitted that after he found the texts and e-mails between B and I he considered leaving her, and that there had been a “big” fight. That was scary. As I say I’ve already been in one marriage that broke up because of cheating and although I had gone out of my way to not cheat with B I don’t want to be involved in anything like that again. But apart from that…most everything went better than expected. Incredibly, even after H had considered leaving B over me, he considered whether B and I could meet in public on our own. Maybe we’re not ready for that. Maybe he’s not. But he’s considering it. And already H is OK with B and my wife and I meeting up on our own.

H opened up to us even more about why he is uncomfortable with B and my wife and I being poly. But he’s agreed to us going ahead with it. It’s admirable of him to admit that. But it’s also part and parcel of the fact that he is beginning to trust us more every day. The important thing is that we keep him part of the conversation and part of the relationship.

And, to that end, I did go meet up with him on Monday. And last night the four of us went to a bar/entertainment thing and had loads of fun. Yes, there was lots of snuggling and furtive kissing, but it was about being friendly too. We are starting to connect on a different level now. There is still nervousness, but there is also a determination to move forward. B is now openly calling me “boyfriend” and my wife “girlfriend.” And…somehow…H is OK. Maybe not leaping with joy. But OK. And B is talking quietly about meeting up with me one-on-one. My wife isn’t ready for that either, but…soon.

After we got home on Sunday night, B sent us a text. See, although there was much touching and holding and kissing, my wife had wanted us to keep things non-sexual. And we did…but B couldn’t help herself afterward…and something about 25 orgasms in 15 minutes. B is still B. We do love her for that!
 
At love's brilliant glow

Has it really been a month since I told B that I loved her? Sometimes it seems it just happened and other times it seems I've loved her forever. My God so much has happened since I last updated. A few highlights :

My wife admitted almost out of the blue that she loved B. That she was scared about it but she did...but over the last two weeks her fear has subsided.

B and I haven't spent time completely alone...but we did spend a beautiful evening in a separate room in her house, kissing and holding each other until she felt comfortable enough to share her secrets. And then we quietly made love...or at least brought each other to orgasm, her in a way she had never been able to from fear and damage. She expressed her love again and again...

B thought a misunderstanding was going to upset my wife. I found her crying...I kissed her tears and calmed her. Together we talked it out with my wife. More tears were shed...and yet at the end of it all, each of us declared our love for the other two. B said she had never felt such love. Neither have we.

More to follow ... hard to type on this phone...
 
Star Me Kitten

B has dubbed my wife "Kitten". It's rather a sweet name. My wife doesn't like her own name, and B has identified a feline streak in her. I've given B the pet name of "star", as she has a few star tattoos that she is rather fond of. In return B gave me a necklace with a star, which I wear all the time these days. I don't have a name yet. So the three of us are an REM song now...

The days when I wasn't sure how B felt about me, or my wife wasn't sure about B, or we didn't know where the three of us stood...gone. The three of us have no trouble vocalizing our love now. In fact I got off the phone with B just now (she's talking with my wife) and we ended the conversation with "I love you"...and it doesn't feel forced or wrong at all. These are wonderful days, in comparison with all the fear and worry of the first few weeks.

Not that there is no worry or fear. As I mentioned there was a misunderstanding which B was afraid would break us up. She told me she was afraid my wife would be angry and leave her...she was OK. The three of us were in tears but we were brought closer together. We talked about all of the things that had hurt us and nearly broken us apart in the past, and our heart-to-heart (to heart?) tore down more barriers. I've never been part of such love. And then last night B received some health news which upset her greatly...she told us that if we wanted to leave her she would understand. Of course we wouldn't want to leave! Perhaps in the past her partners left over some triviality. But our bond is stronger now.

Where is H in all of this? He is still nervous about things. When B and I were in separate rooms on Sunday night snuggling and kissing H admitted to my wife that he was very nervous. The friendly bond between the four of us continues though. For example tonight H called to talk my wife through trying to find something she'd lost, and thanked her for helping B through her medical worries of the previous night. His interest in being a friend to my wife and me does seem genuine, which is calming to us all.

The legs of our triangle seem to finally be taking some shape. B and I are somewhat more spiritual in our love, a bit more serious, a bit more passionate. My wife and B are more playful in their conversation, which does help B through the tough times of her life very well. The two haven't had much time to be physically affectionate, partly because of nerves of my wife's part, but some of that will happen next time we all meet up. Which I look forward to as well :) I'm learning a lot about my wife's sexuality these days, that she can be lusting after B one minute and craving me the next. B's been feeling that for her whole life, but it's a new experience for my wife. I am not complaining :)

We're still not completely free and we perhaps never will be. We don't have all the time in the world to be with B and we know that. A Sunday night here, a weekend there, an afternoon or evening date here or there. But we're talking every night, the three of us. It shows something about H's sweetness to us that he got us a webcam so we can talk to the two of them together and actually see their faces (and on one memorable occasion much more...B being B again ;) ). But we carry on. We're seeing them Sunday night, then next Sunday night. A month from now we'll have most of a weekend together...we can't wait. Then who knows? A month ago I told B I loved her then within hours I almost lost her. A month is a long time...and the days between the times we see her grow long...but we are surviving. Less than three days until the next time!
 
Feelings growing stronger with every embrace

And no, I'm not talking about me and B...but between me and my wife. I never thought we could love each other more than we already did. But it has happened, and we could not be happier.

Why has it happened, when we both are in love with B? I think part of it has been that B has calmed my wife's fears in a lot of ways...in the past my wife feared that she was undeserving of love. For some time she felt that B's love was ungenuine, that she was only saying things to get closer to me. It took some time but my wife has seen real love from her. And now she knows better what real love is. It feels as if weights have been lifted from her shoulders. My love for her grows every day as I see her lovely smile, whether it be after talking to me or talking to B. She told me the other day "I feel deserving of love at last."

And I love her more than the earth. It seems as if for every bit that I love B, I love my wife twice as much more. Our love multiplies every day.
 
Wow, its awesome to hear things are going so well! I just started reading this thread, and the early posts were so gut-wrenching, it seemed like a big crash-and-burn was coming fast. It keeps amazing me, the incredible ups and downs experienced by the people posting on this board!

Its especially gratifying to hear your wife is feeling so healed by B's love, and that yours keeps growing!

H seems to me to be the wild card in all this. I hope he can continue to deal.

Amazing journey so far, thank you for sharing!


Anotherbo :)
 
Tears roll down the face of the earth...I saw it with my own two blue eyes

Well it's been almost two months since I posted here. It's felt like two years. Up, down, tremendous highs, tremendous lows, fear, excitement, drama, comedy, passion, love, heartbreak...all of these sometimes in the same hour, let alone the same day. And now, the end I fear, the first time in my life I am going to have to turn a lover away. I am not looking forward to this at all but I don't see a way forward.

Let me go back to some happier times. When I stopped posting here (and I didn't do it because I wasn't being supported here...I feared that my wife or B were looking at my posts--I don't care about that now) the three of us were settling down into a routine. Not a rut by any means, but a fine routine. The three of us would talk on the phone on Monday through Thursday nights, then the four of us would meet, usually at their place, on Sunday evening. All the Sunday visits were wonderful. Sometimes the visits would be sexual, sometimes not. It didn't seem to matter...well, I didn't think it mattered. The relationship between B and I blossomed. She helped me through some difficult times, and I helped her in her words just by being there and showing her love. At times she said she had been waiting for my love forever, and she couldn't understand what she had done to win my heart.

Things were less settled between my wife and B. At times they seemed to be in love, but most of the time it seemed like B was in love but my wife wasn't. Sometimes things would go very well between them, and my wife would seem very happy about how things went, but then later on my wife would be extremely upset about some detail of their time together. She was seeming more and more nervous around B and H, sometimes drinking heavily and later admitting that she did it to calm herself.

My wife was also increasingly convinced that B was lying to her about loving her. She would grab my phone after she got home from work, and be upset if B told me something she didn't tell her, or if she thought that B had sent me too many texts during the day. I thought that she was exaggerating a bit of that, and she agreed with that at times. Just yesterday my wife admitted to me that although she still wasn't sure that B loved her, she was aware that she was holding back from her out of fear of getting hurt, and because she still didn't think she was worthy of love. The last time B talked to her, B ended the conversation with "I love you." My wife didn't respond to that.

So I was starting to think that my wife wanted this to end. At times she would say that B and I could continue our relationship without her. I said I didn't want that, that I didn't feel comfortable going behind her back and that I just could not do that. I asked her if she wanted me to break it off entirely. She said no, she couldn't do that, she would feel like it was her fault and she would never forgive herself for "depriving" me. At some points she threatened to harm herself if I broke up with her. So of course at that point I couldn't. I did tell her though, that I felt like I was between a rock and a hard place, that the relationship was hurting her (even if I know that that hurt was mostly self-inflicted by her) but I couldn't actually do anything about it.

This week though it became obvious she did want it to end. On one day, my wife suggested to B that she could "sext" me before a meeting if she cleared it with her first. The next morning I did have a meeting and B sexted me. I assumed she'd cleared it with my wife and I responded with her in kind. That night my wife took my phone and saw the text and was furious, and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm not seeing them on Sunday." And yesterday H, who over most of the last two months has been somewhere between a bystander and an occasional participant, hurt his back. The first thing my wife wrote to me about it was "Let's not see them on Sunday." When I asked her about it she said "well we need to give them a break"--but all the while she was extremely eager not to see them. It seemed to me like she wanted an excuse not to go.

So that was kind of where things stood until this morning.
 
Continued

You may remember that one of the things that we feared might be a barrier to our poly relationship was H's list of sexual activities that he wanted to do in his life before he would agree to the three of us having a relationship. We'd talked about it fairly extensively around late August, but the matter seemed to have dropped. B had agreed to polyfidelity with us, and the three of us got tested and eventually we fluid-bonded, and everything seemed just fine.

And thank goodness for that, because that "list" was a sword over our relationship. My wife has always had a deep-seated fear that she is not enough for her partner, or partners I guess. Because of B's background she was very concerned that B would go looking for someone else. I can't say she felt calm about things after B's declaration of polyfidelity and our agreement to fluid bond, but she was calmer. As for me, I have mentioned here that I was cheated on during my last marriage, and although it's not something I think about often I knew I would be very hurt if it happened again, and I did let B know that. One of the first things she promised me when we started this relationship was that she would not cheat on me.

From the very beginning, we'd agreed that if H did want to go forward with his "list", that all four of us would discuss it before anything happened. My wife pressed B more than once about exactly what might be on the list, and B told her a couple of things, but she never would admit exactly what was there. As I say it was something that was discussed about three months ago but not since. We'd assumed H had just decided that being around us was more valuable than needing to complete the list, which just seemed a little silly to us anyway. And anyway we assumed that if H did want to go ahead with the list, it'd be something that he would do on his own, and although yes that would mean that the three of us would have to go back on being fluid-bonded, at least B would continue to be faithful to us. Foolish us.

Well, this morning B texts us saying she and H are going to two swingers' parties, obviously without us. No explanation was given as to why H wasn't going on his own, other than the inference that H didn't think he could find what he wanted without B being there. And, of course, one would think that if B wanted to honor her polyfidelity to us, she'd put something in the text like "I am not going to be physically involved in anything at these events," but she was silent about that. She claimed that going to these parties would allow H to do something on the list, but again she was silent as to what those things were, whether they involved her and other people or not. Even when we asked her about it, she wouldn't give us an answer.

I am just so fucking mad about it I haven't been able to text her back. The worst thing is that B was texting my wife to say "I'm not even sure what you guys are so upset about," as if it wasn't obvious that she was going back on pretty much every ground rule we'd set for our relationship. She just seemed so oblivious that she'd made this promise to us that we needed for the relationship to go ahead, and that we'd promised her in return, and that she could just break that promise and we'd somehow be...almost glad that she was going to be cheating on us. Like it was the equivalent of winning some prize or something.

So, I feel betrayed, incredibly so. If anything it's worse than when my ex cheated because our marriage was dead anyway, and the cheating only ended it faster. I was still very much in love with B up until this morning...now, well, I don't know how to feel. Maybe stupid that I didn't see this coming. Mostly like I've been punched in the gut. And I'm furious at B that she hurt my wife. And that she broke her promise not to break my heart...or my wife's heart.

I suppose if there's a silver lining to this it's that I knew this was going to end somehow with my wife's concerns, but I feared that she would always think no matter what happened it would be her fault. Well this is manifestly not her fault, and we both know that.

I guess I'll let you know how this all ends.
 
So now my wife and I are meeting B tonight, probably for the last time. There are other issues that have come up over and above H's list. Mainly the fact that H wants sex from my wife but with none of the emotional entanglements, and my wife is very resentful that she has to "take one for the team" as she puts it. That, and that she does not have the relationship with B that she wants. She blames me for part of that, and I accept my failings. But for the most part she blames herself for not accepting B's advances, then being upset when B stopped advancing. Of course I'm summarizing but soon I will be able to speak more. But I am not confident anything will be resolved, based on B and H's reaction to her concerns, which they have waved away in the past, which made my wife even more upset.

I made a goodbye tape to B today. It was a very sad thing to do. I have never broken up with anybody in my life, and I didn't want things to end this way at all. There were so many things that I wanted to do along with B, and my wife wanted to do with B, and that the three of us wanted to do together. It's sad to think that none of those things will happen now. And what happens to us now?
 
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