Phy's story - As you like it

It's all about the baby right now :) Even though I went and got my books for my homework and papers I spend most of my days reading about children, pregnancies and conception. As always I need as much information as possible to get my brain thinking and on track. Sward and Lin just shake their heads and listen to all the input I discover. And they are so sweet with me or with each other, it's so heartwarming and encouraging.

As I have been on the pill and before the pill I never cared about this stuff, that's why I had no idea what my natural cycle looked like 'in practice'. In a way I am discovering my body from scratch in this department. Quite interesting ^.^ If I am reading myself correctly, we have used the crucial phase just fine and will see if everything went successfully in about 2 weeks time. So excited and feeling giddy about all this new stuff.

And the greatest part of it is, that I am not alone. Sward is all in as well, I didn't expect any difficulties there, but yesterday something happened that put a big happy smile on my lips in regard to Lin. We were cuddling on the sofa (hm well, a bit more than just cuddling, but the main time was spend with that) and Lin noticed that I wasn't quite satisfied. He looked at me and suddenly asked: “Should I go and get Sward for you?” (Sward was working in the garden of my godmother who is our neighbor.) I was a bit astonished and asked why. “If I remember all that stuff you told us correctly and combining it with the way you are today, it should be just the right time to feather our nest in regard to the baby project.” He was really pleased with his thought and got up even though I wasn't sure if it was the best thing to do and interrupt Sward's day. Lin really went, found Sward and told him: “Hey man, time to make a baby, Phy is waiting for you.”

Never thought it would be like this, but I won't complain :cool: Just having a great time right now. :D
 
If you say so
 
Freaking adorable. I just want to cuddle all three of you :)
 
I am a bit skeptical about the 'soon' BP, but, of course, I hope so :cool: I don't think that we did it in the first month. Don't know why, just a feeling.

One year has already passed, since Lin was here for the first time. Yesterday was the first day of our annual wine festival, where Lin met my parents. Unfortunately I wasn't in a good mood and it got even darker over the course of the evening. Still some poly related stuff making me uncomfortable from time to time. Well, what happened:

We went there with my sister, BiL and their friends. We (Sward especially) have had regular contact with this group because of sports related activities and they started to hang out now and then. They all know about Sward, Lin and me, my BiL wasn't able to keep it low, he is the real chatterbox in our surrounding as we found out. But well, no problem there, everyone is able to cope as it seems. Lin has made some friends among that crowd as well. Everything is alright.

Many little things added up over the evening, ruining my mood. My foot was hurting, the music was really bad, I wasn't able to drink one sip, I still felt kind of uncomfortable kissing Lin among my sister's friends (I know that she isn't as cool with us three as she uses to say normally), the food was bad and Sward was constantly chatting and didn't bother to speak more than 5 sentences with me. I mean, it is OK that he was having a good time, but normally he always comes to me, talks with me at least once when we are out together. Not this time.

What went wrong? Well, he was paying attention to me, but when he saw that I was talking to Lin or that Lin was around, he thought that I was 'taken care of' and didn't see the need to come to talk to me. Aside from me not liking the missing 'urge' that should make him want to speak with me, I was feeling kind of dumped. Great Lin is with me, but Lin isn't you?! He can be so insensitive at times.

I know, no big deal kind of, but I was a bit upset. They still think that the other can make up for something one of them doesn't do. Lin was trying to lift my mood by saying:”Don't be that way. I am here with you.” Sometimes one isn't enough *sigh*
 
Thanks, Miss Indie :) I am doing great, especially since yesterday.

Just a short notice:

Yesterday, I was talking to my mother after work. She will have her last chemo session next Monday and all of us are looking forward to it. She explained to me that this chemo was normally limited to women under 50 and she sounded kind of proud that she (54) was still able to withstand it: “I seem to have left a youthful impression.” and smiled brightly. All of us got used to her bald head and I still think it looks great ;) But of course, she is looking forward to the end of this every other week torture. As the results are so positive, her breast won't be in danger like before, they will be able to preserve some parts. We will see how this goes.

But, we mainly talked about the baby topic. She admonished me (again ^.^) to keep it a bit lower and not get this excited about a possible child. Well, yes and no. I am excited, it is a big step. But I am mainly doing what I use to do with everything new entering my life. I think. I plan. I think again. A leopard doesn't change its spots, I just am that way.

Regardless of this, she told me that our old baby crib was still around somewhere in the attic. Great news! As I wasn't able to climb up there right away, I got my old baby album out and searched for the pictures. It looks so good. The wooden plate is completely lined with a wicker mesh. And a canopy is there as well. Under the picture was a note from my grandfather: “Now you will grow up with the crib of your mother (1958) and grandmother (1925).” So looking forward to restore this heirloom when the time comes.

I know, it's just a small thing, but those are the occurrences that lift me up on cloud nine :D
 
Life is great

I am feeling great and doing really fine. I have had some moments of inner calm and pure bliss occasionally over the past weeks that can be summed up by “Life is awesome, love is awesome, my little family is awesome!”. Therefore I didn't quite know how to update this blog, as there was nothing of importance happening at all during this time. But I will try to pick the important poly-improvements and write about them.

One of the most notable ones was that the sex topic isn't one any longer. The penny finally dropped as it seems, for all of us. There has been some uneasiness around mentioning 'See you later, I will spend some private time with X now.' Me mentioning it towards the one staying behind and them receiving it. This totally vanished. Since there is 'sex for a reason' with Sward ( aka baby-making :p) Lin became totally cool with us leaving the room, even if it isn't for that purpose. Sward was never the one having huge problems with Lin's and my physical side of our relationship and I don't really know when he reached his calm place in regard to this. I am still thinking about the 'appropriateness' of really telling them about it, but that is just a second. I still feel kind of weird when I just leave the room and not say a word at all (Lin doesn't really like to be informed especially and of course I respect that) while passing by the one 'staying behind'. But I wasn't able to sense any tension afterwards for some weeks. We reached a place of comfort there as it seems.

The rest were more little things. Like listening to the men watching some TV shows I am not that into and hearing their laughter (similar sense of humor ;)), Lin catching up on the cooking front what lead to him and I nearly sharing the cooking 50-50 by now, them thinking about our possibilities of building a house in some years time, thinking about the changes a child may mean for us, just the usual evening talks when Sward comes home and all three of us just lounge on the sofa to hear about the days of the others and so on.

It's so peaceful, secure and warm in our little flat. I am starting to lead a real solitary life because I just love being at home. I know this will change a bit when my seminars start again in October, but since then, I am just writing my papers, enjoying my 24/7 houseman Lin and cuddle excessively with Sward to create our own little wonder, who will hopefully be with us some time next year. I can't complain at all right now, I love my life and can't imagine it to be any other way anymore. I am happy :)
 
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V-Dynamics

Yeay, some poly related things happening again :eek: I always feel kind of normal and reassured when we encounter those little traps. Another pitfall discovered on our way to eternal poly-happiness! (^.-)

This has happened some days ago and I stopped pondering about it on Tuesday. After the last year all of us are able to see some underlying patterns in our everyday life and how each is influencing the other(s). Those lead to a quarrel.

Sward and my dynamic is old and full of routine. He knows that I don't like to be talked to when I come home. I need some time to think things through, maybe finish doing something or just occupy myself with unrelated stuff to calm down and really 'arrive' at home. Lin doesn't know this pattern, or he hasn't adjusted to it yet. He normally asks when I enter the door how my day has been and what happened and I taciturnly mumble two or three word answers if he is lucky. Later, when Sward arrives and has had his twenty minutes or half an hour to acclimatize ( he is just like me in that regard), we start talking naturally about everything. A problem that arose on a regular basis through this pattern, was that Lin was in the kitchen during those periods, doing the dish washing and we were in the study making plans what to do the next day or on a special date. Something to keep in mind.

This is just one example there are some more. But the most stressing one is something Lin discovered and brought to my attention during our quarrel. Sward and I are like siblings from time to time. Lin said that he was constantly reminded of his brother and sisters teasing each other until one is crying. Our most favorite topics: weight and time spend with others. And Sward and I had no idea that those had some inherent patterns.

Sward has lost about 50 lbs by now. A real success and of course I am happy for him. BUT he loves to rub this into my face. He thinks it's funny and does mean no harm (90% of the time at least :rolleyes:) But when he enters the room wearing his old jeans (those two which are the only ones I can wear at the moment) showing off and telling me how they don't really fit … yeah, not nice from my point of view.

I on the other hand tend to needle him about his animated contact with our neighbor's daughter. Ok, he is helping her coping with a total douchebag, but (it's going back and forth for months by now) I don't have any sympathy for her any longer. And he is all over her, chatting till late in the night, texting half of the evening and visiting the house next door a bit too regularly for the few time he and I have.

And every time he or I start teasing the other, we tend to go into sulk-mood as a reaction to it. And the one suffering because of this is Lin. Last week he has had enough. Sward teased me and I reacted instantly. The day Lin and I spend with each other was great, Lin has been looking forward to the night as well and then Sward came, making digs at me, my mood going south and our evening as well. He called me on this behavior and spoke his mind. Lin is the most uncomplicated person I can think of. If something is too stressful, he just leaves it be. In contrast to him, Sward and I are real Drama-Queens. What I got out of our discussion that night, was that I certainly have to look out for Lin's needs a bit more and to call Sward on our teasing behavior. As I said, I didn't notice that there was a pattern. Sometimes it's really beneficial to have a third point of view.

The other thing happened yesterday evening. The day was quite stressful, I was running around in university half of it and most of the night I wasn't able to sleep because of our dog. When I came home around 4 pm I finished some paperwork but couldn't concentrate because the flat was soooo … untidy and unclean. If I want to be productive, I visit the library because I love the atmosphere there with all the books around (it speaks of work and concentration kind of) or I tidy up the whole flat to not be distracted by the chaos around me. I didn't notice the state of the flat for days, because I stayed home most of the last two weeks and I don't see things piling up if I don't leave and come back.

That resulted in me coming home, instantly pissed off by all the things lying around and starting to clean. Without talking more than 10 words with Lin, whom I haven't seen that day because I left the house early. I noticed that he was in a bad mood later that evening, but I thought that we could talk later in bed where he went unusually early over the course of the evening. I stayed with Sward and ate something and we talked a bit as usual. When I got ready to leave, to spend the night with Lin Sward gave me a blank look. “Why are you wishing me a good night? It's Wednesday, you are with me tonight.”

I totally mixed up the schedule. I needed some seconds to realize that I not only mixed things up, but I additionally really wanted to spend the night with Lin. Sward quickly reassured me that this was fine, I should go and spend the night with Lin if I wished to, but I discovered an old problem. I went to be with Lin, but I was having a really bad conscience because of it. I made a choice and spoke out a preference … I am no good with this. The last time I stumbled over expressing my needs was in March. There have been two or three occasions where I chose as well but this time I was having a problem again. Don't really know why, maybe because I was having a bad day generally.

Our schedule is really beneficial for our everyday life, especially for my inner peace as it seems. I spoke to both of them about it and there isn't anything rubbing them the wrong way about it. I need to make up my mind what is bugging me as it seems. Kind of unable to corner it right now.
 
Hi Phy!
I'm sorry that I haven't been following this thread lately. I haven't been getting much time on Internet. I'm going to copy it all out and read it at home (no Internet, but more time with a computer). I see that you're trying for a child. Read my 2 comments on this thread. As I wrote, the book "Kiss Me" has already been translated into German.

You might also find something useful in another comment of mine on http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=28690

A big hug to you and I'll write more after I've caught up.
XXX MFFR
 
Hey MrFFR

Didn't know that you were following it, but good to hear from the silent readers as well ^.^

Don't stress yourself too much, I know that you have difficulties with your internet access in general. Looking forward to hear from you and the ideas and yome of your possible flashes of insight later :)

Have heard from the book you where talking about in this other thread ("Kiss me"). I was thinking about buying it. But I guess I will start reading nonstop as soon as we are there and things are getting 'real' in regard to the baby-topic. Thanks for pointing me towards other threads about it around here.

Take care.
 
It's Sward and my anniversary today. Twelve years already. Feels like less, definitely. Not much I can talk about though. I love going out with him and we will go to our favorite Greek restaurant later this evening. I noticed that the feel is different when going out with Sward or with Lin. It's not for Lin and I. We don't mesh that well with this stuff. At least not so well like Sward and I.

I got my self thinking how happy I am when we walked some little path beside one of our local rivers and had both of them in front of me, walking slowly, chatting and planning something. Looking at their backs, all I could do was maintaining a content smile. When Lin turned around to talk to me, he caught me smirking and without a comment his gaze softened as well. He nudged Sward and said: “Look, seems as if somebody's happy here.” And both of them pulled me in between and we walked on. Haven't had some 'sandwich-cuddle-time' lately, will need some this weekend :D
 
. . . all I could do was maintaining a content smile. When Lin turned around to talk to me, he caught me smirking and without a comment his gaze softened as well. He nudged Sward and said: “Look, seems as if somebody's happy here.” And both of them pulled me in between and we walked on.

Awwww. This made me smile. You've got a good thing going on there, lady (but you already know that).

:D
 
Outed

Yes, Miss Indie, I know it, but 'the world' sometimes doesn't seem to be able to see it. But your comment made me smile as well, so thanks for that.

We have had another rough encounter on the 'coming out' front. Or better: a 'being outed' evening. Sward and I have been asked to help with a 73rd birthday and as his back and especially leg are worsening again, Lin filled in for him. He wouldn't have been able to stand and walk the whole evening. And I didn't thought much of this change. Well, I could have thought twice about it, as it was the birthday of 'our queen' (shooting association).

We didn't talk much about our relationship and weren't planning on starting something in that direction as those people are the friends of my parents and sister and just told them, that Lin was Sward's and my roommate. Most were satisfied with that and asked some more questions about his origins, as his dialect is quite notable. And suddenly a woman from my mother's table says to me: “Do we have to talk some, Phy? I am hearing all kind of things about your 'wild life'!” I was a bit surprised and made a university related joke but she was serious and later that evening we talked.

Ah dear, I tend to get comfy too fast and too soon. It wasn't so much what she said that upset me but my own reaction to it, that unnerved me a bit. Luckily I was able to just end on a 'I understand that you aren't able to understand my feelings' note but I was a bit disappointed. I feel so at home right now and so protected, secure, loved … that I can't really relate to those more negative mindsets easily anymore. Why can't people just believe you that you are happy? And, more especially, that the people around you are happy?

Because Sward has been her main concern. How dare I do this to him? I wasn't respecting him any longer or the vows we made. I was hurting him and his 'male ego' by living with two men. Because male egos are different from female ones, we are able to cope but men aren't. (Uhg-hm. She got my piece of mind on that one.) I had missed something, Sward hasn't been able to provide me with what I needed. Which one do I love right now? Why am I hurting those two/mainly Sward like that? There has to be something wrong with me. I was turning the 'roles' around and claiming a male position. Why did I register on dating sides? (That there was something besides dating sides on the net where you can meet people was totally unimaginable for her.) Some more points that won't come to mind right now, but the list went on.

Well, the most disturbing aspect was that my mother was the one who told everyone about us. And not on the best note. I was confused and confronted her. Why talk about it if she was uncomfortable with talking about it? Apparently the question has been raised, who Lin was and she felt more comfortable with attacking than denial. Half of the truth wouldn't have hurt anyone, but if she thinks so … her problem from now on. I normally don't get in touch with those people. But there is a bad aftertaste in this case.
 
Farewell

Our old lady was put to sleep. It has been an emotional week and I don't feel that great right now. I have to admit that I am calmer now than I have been before the decision was made and especially calmer than the day Sward brought her to the vet, but I don't really know how to handle that emptiness inside of me. For some this may not be reasonable, but she was a big part of my/our life. I first saw her when she was 2 weeks old, barely filling the palm of my hand, and now, almost 10 years later, she had to go.

Such a hard decision to make, I feel like I killed her and in a way that is true. It was my decision, it was my dog, whatever the reasons may be, I ended her life. Having a hard time coping with that, right now.

It was a great help that Sward felt able to go with her and be with her when she closed her eyes and bury her afterwards on the property of his parents. I wasn't able to be with him or her in that moment. And it was an equal relief to have Lin with me at home, calming me down a bit. I would say that this has been the right decision, I can't look at dead people or animals, especially if I knew them when they have been still alive or relate to them. My last memories of her are that of an old, but happy she-dog.

I won't look for another dog any time soon. I have to come to terms with all of this first. It seems as if this will take a while.
 
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I am sorry for your loss. *hugs* We had to put my husband'"s cat to sleep in the middle of grieving the death of my father-in-law. It was hard, but his kidneys went into failure as a result of him contracting FIV from a fight with a stray. He was a old kitty - 16 or 17 when he died and we still miss him.
 
*HUGS* I'm so sorry. I've been through having to put a pet down a few times, sending comfort and healing vibes your way.
 
Sad news, Phy. The impact of this has nothing to do with reasonableness/not... it's real and is a common experience for humans to feel deep loss for animals they have loved and been close to. Many including myself have shared a similar pain. Sending love out to you at this time.
 
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