Age difference between partners

Dragonmom

New member
I'm totally new to this and currently its just me. I have a dear friend from NY, that should we be closer would have a relationship. We have talked about having a poly relationship when we can be closer to each other. Now my issue is i have met some one via the internet that sadly is all the way in Australia and he is just a bit (a lot) younger than me. I'm not old so its not hard to be a lot younger than me. Where i seem to be having the issues is morally. I mean first off just explaining to people/family that i'm poly is one thing, but trying to explain why one of my partners is barely in his 20's is a whole other ballgame. My friend from NY I'll call Redwood and the younger guy is Frosty.
 
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XKCD says..

Honestly, everyone has their own standard on this, and it seems to me to not be about mono or poly at all.

I'm pretty ageist romantically, and I feel fairly comfortable admitting that. XKCD has a rule that sums my thoughts up pretty neatly:
http://xkcd.com/314/

Thing is, in any case, that's me and who I date. You and who you date? That's up to you all.

Good luck making the right decision for you!
 
I think one has to be careful about attaching any fixed guidelines (even in their own head) regarding age differences.
The level of connection we look for doesn't really have an 'age' component as much as an emotional/world outlook component.
Have seen (and been in) wonderful relationships that had an over 20 yr difference. I would never dismiss potential based on a number in advance.

GS
 
For me age is a huge deal. I can't help thinking someone who is the age where I could be their mother is someone I should be involved with sexually. I have some great friends who are younger and I love them dearly, but the sex part is just down right icky to me and I suspect I will not change my mind on this.... just a personal preference... carry on. It goes the other way btw for me too.... I would not be interested in dating someone who is much older either. Friends? Great. All for it, I see no reason to add sex to that. That journey I prefer to be on with people who I use the minus half, add seven rule with. Again, very personal... I don't expect anyone to follow what I do or judge anyone who thinks otherwise. I just am very firm on this for my self after having tried a few things out. As this is a forum of honesty, I'm being honest. :D
 
For me age is a huge deal. I can't help thinking someone who is the age where I could be their mother is someone I should be involved with sexually. I have some great friends who are younger and I love them dearly, but the sex part is just down right icky to me and I suspect I will not change my mind on this.... just a personal preference... carry on. It goes the other way btw for me too.... I would not be interested in dating someone who is much older either. Friends? Great. All for it, I see no reason to add sex to that. That journey I prefer to be on with people who I use the minus half, add seven rule with. Again, very personal... I don't expect anyone to follow what I do or judge anyone who thinks otherwise. I just am very firm on this for my self after having tried a few things out. As this is a forum of honesty, I'm being honest. :D

I pretty much wrote the same thing but deleted it...I have a difficult time imagining dating or getting personal with someone in their early 20's. I work with and live with people in this age group in abundance and its rare that I find myself able to relate to them.

There is the odd one that surprises me, so it is possible I suppose. Although rare.

If redwood has no problems with it, and you don't see a problem, than I am the last person to make any judgements.
 
My age restrictions are few. If met a soul-mate at 50 years old(i'm 25) then i'd see where it goes, :/ I'm also pansexual, and don't really have a lot of traditional thoughts though. Anyway, good luck with your balancing, i'm sure you'll figure out what right for you :)
 
For me it depends a lot more on mental maturity than physical. I have dated people 15 years my senior and 25 years younger, and have had very good relationships with both. There are some people who are the same age as me who I could not date because they were too old.
 
I like the rule of half your age add seven actually. Someone told me this recently and it worked for me personally.

Wow! I hope I never get that dogmatic. I'm most comfortable going after partners close to my own age, but if I find someone otherwise compatible, I'm not going to let a big age gap stop me.

My parents were outside the a/2 + 7 range when they started dating (31 and 20) and stayed together for about 28 years.
 
I think it depends on what you believe. I have not met anyone that I would consider dating that is younger. I tried it several times and I just got bored and was unable to feel comfortable with little things like them not knowing the music that my generation listened to. Something important to me. I bond on stuff like that.

Call that dogma if you want, whatever, I have come to know that for me, I won't be able to shake that. At least not at this time in my life. Maybe sometime, but not right now.

I get that it works for others, I really do, they seem to place value on different things than me and that is fine.

I can really get into listening to music that is current with my younger friends and go out and do a lot of traditionally "younger" things to do like going to clubs and shows where I am the oldest there. But when it comes to me talking about my past and they just stare at me blankly and blink, I realize that that is somewhere we will not relate and I like to be able to relate to everything. If they weren't even born when I was going to sock hops in the gym in junior high and remember my boyfriend being the best break dancer there, I don't like how I feel as a result. I feel old and like a novelty and that they are just bored and can't relate...

That's really what it is for me,,,, the last bit there that I wrote. I feel I have to cut out the part of my life that came before their conscious life time and I don't like that feeling. I have found no way around it.... the reverse is with someone older. I feel like I don't relate to the time before my conscious life time and feel like a baby.

I hope this makes sense. I am enjoying the opportunity to explore this. Thanks to the OP for letting me get off topic :D not that you had a choice, but I find all too often that this age thing is just avoided and I decided this time I didn't want to avoid.... I feel I am in a place where I am able to place no judgment on anyone else and can handle other peoples judgment.
 
Clarifying my personal policy

For the record, I don't consider myself to be 'dogmatic' :p about the age difference, in that my first thought isn't to do the formula and see how our ages match up. However, in practice I've always kept even closer to my own age than the rule dictates.

DISCLAIMER-- you don't have to agree:

My actual rule could better be stated as only dating within one's own life stage. In high school, I only dated people who were high school age. In college, I only dated people who were college aged. Now I'm a twenty-something professional, so I date other twenty-somethings. It matters to me that my partner in a similar life stage so that he or she is able to consider the same life choices I'm weighing (finishing a degree, or starting a family, or retiring, or...). For example, my girlfriend is finishing her undergraduate degree in a week :))), while I've been out in the working world-- we were in college together for two years (and so she got grandfathered in, breaking my guideline). Being in a different place in our lives has been difficult, at least as hard for me to handle as the distance.
 
Thanks to the OP for letting me get off topic :D not that you had a choice, but I find all too often that this age thing is just avoided and I decided this time I didn't want to avoid.... I feel I am in a place where I am able to place no judgment on anyone else and can handle other peoples judgment.

your very welcome and i don't mind at all. I have enjoyed all the responses.

I think the plan in my mind for now is to just go with it. We are about a million miles away ( well 8000 or so) and we just talk online for now, woohoo for webcams. I have always had younger friends and have dated younger men, none quite this young. We have a lot in common and if nothing else we are going to be great friends. Redwood is older than me and Frosty is the younger one. Redwood and i have lots in common but some things im into he looks at me like i have 2 heads. Frosty would be the one i do the young and crazy stuff with. Redwood is more of the provider type and he is always there for me no matter what, and has been for about 4 years. He loves me and my children and wants to be with us. He knows i had a horrid marriage and 4 months ago ended a 14 month relationship because the guy no longer liked my 7 year old son. :mad:

Frosty is young, kinda and sweet. He has in him the stuff that Redwood doesn't. He has piercings and is willing to go with me when i get more and get tattoos, where as watching that sorta stuff makes Red squimish.

I became a mom at 18 and grew up way to fast. I feel like i missed out on alot of stuff and now that my younger kids are getting older i need to go back and do some of those things. I want to live my life without regrets.

I know in my heart i have love for more than one man, and i have tried loving just one and it didn't work. If i'm not happy and healthy for me i cant be happy and healthy for my children. I can't hide who i am and more and if i happen to be crushing on a younger aussie then YAY me ;)
 
Dragonmom- More power to you! Congrats!
 
i have met some one via the internet that sadly is all the way in Australia and he is just a bit (a lot) younger than me.

The way I see it, all it takes is having compatibility in enough areas to make a relationship worthwhile. As I don't expect my wife to meet all of my needs and look to other people when I want to discuss, say music theory or the moral depravity exhibited in libertarian thought, then I don't expect any given partner to fulfill all of my relationship needs.

So, somebody who is much younger could provide enough to make a relationship worthwhile, particularly if that person is very similar to who I was when I was that age. With the understanding that I can't be everything to her, nor her to me, the question of age sort of becomes moot.

And I find myself in that sort of situation currently. I've a friend who is much, much younger than I am with whom there have been some sparks. I've had to stop and figure out if I'm having a mid-life crisis of some sort that would lead me to try to recapture my youth (I'm quite pleased to report that I wouldn't trade who I am now for a younger me in any configuration).

I'm looking forward to seeing how it works out over the next several months.
 
I prefer to be on with people who I use the minus half, add seven rule with. :D

Wow! That's cool! Does that mean that if I'm 53- then I would divide that by 2 which is 26.5 and add 7= 33.5?......that seems young to me and I could be the mother of a 33.5 year old. :( I'm just curious as to how you calculate that!! I tend to view anyone under 45 as too young for me. On the other hand, though, I am rarely attracted to guys over say around 58. I do have several women friends in their early to mid 60's however who I find to be pretty attractive. It's all interesting !! :eek:
 
I prefer dating older people than myself. I just always find that younger people aren't "where I'm at." I also find older people tend to have more to teach me, and I love to learn.

I have a big weakness for professors :cool:

That being said, most of my classmates think I'm the same age as them, and not the 7 years older that I actually am, and yet I always feel like they're barely out of adolescence... so whatever that's worth, I'm not old and wise enough to know ;)
 
Hey :) I personally think that a person should be able to freely choose thier partner and not have to worry about what other people will think a world with too much judgement is a world without freedom, why live in the clasp of society when you can live a life free from boundaries?
Oh btw, I am Frosty. I happen to be Dragonmom's mentioned Frosty :)
 
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