OMG WHAT AM I doing HERE?

whatamIdoing

New member
:D
HI <waves>

I am no stranger to message boards... I am totally not sure i belong here but with what's going on in my life I think I need to talk about it.... this seemed like the place to be...

Me: 50, female, married for 6 years to my third husband who is 39.... there are children from prior relationships, the youngest is 18.

we were "swingers" before we married and we continue to have that relationship with a select few couples we know and love who we consider family. For the world to see we are just a bunch of very very close friends. I consider myself a very vanilla swinger. I have to be attached to my male partners emotionally in some way... I'm more flexible with my female partners....

My husband and I are in a good place truly...

then HE happened.

I've known him a few years... see him very very very rarely IRL. I have flirted with him OUTRAGEOUSLY in front of my DH.... well a few weeks ago HE sent me a text to ask to talk to me bluntly... he asked me my bottom line...

I told him I had no idea. and I did not. I had never had anyone take me up on my blatant over the top flirts... (it was akin to "let's get it on baby I have a note"). He is friends with DH but not close...

well this is turning into MORE than just a booty call.... he's YOUNGER than my DH (makes him 13 yrs younger than I am)

He is not local but he is not too far away...

My head is spinning... I think we are developing a relationship.... which takes me out of the swingers category and into the poly category... and Yes I can see making him part of my life. AND YES I have talked to my husband about it...

I don't know what to think or what to do or how to cope....


My new fellow and I have plans to meet on January 8th (first day we can both manage to be free).... not sure yet where we are meeting or what the agenda will be....

I'm open to hearing what anyone has to say or answering any questions to try to get this all sorted out in my head

HELP and thanks in advance.
 
What does your husband think? You said you've spoken to him, but didn't tell us what his opinions are.

I am also married and have a boyfriend. My husband is thirteen and a half years younger than me, and my boyfriend is ten years younger. My husband and I have a six year old daughter.

The relationship with my boyfriend became intimate about three and a half months ago, and has only gotten better over time. We are all great friends and it's been a fantastic experience so far.

So, as far as I can tell, this sort of thing can work out great so long as everyone is open and honest and caring.

Read read read this forum. There are a lot of great stories here and links that will help you get your head around what's going on.
 
What does your husband think? You said you've spoken to him, but didn't tell us what his opinions are.

I am also married and have a boyfriend. My husband is thirteen and a half years younger than me, and my boyfriend is ten years younger. My husband and I have a six year old daughter.

The relationship with my boyfriend became intimate about three and a half months ago, and has only gotten better over time. We are all great friends and it's been a fantastic experience so far.

So, as far as I can tell, this sort of thing can work out great so long as everyone is open and honest and caring.

Read read read this forum. There are a lot of great stories here and links that will help you get your head around what's going on.

Hi Penny,

thanks for responding.... I'm a tad shy to jump in but I'll keep getting my feet wet here... seems like a nice group of folks..

My husband goes back and forth on how he feels about this...

One minute he's fine with it. The next he's jealous.

AND it's person specific. He was FINE with it as long as it was just sex... he was not happy about an emotional relationship with the new fellow... of course this is the first time in our relationship that I've met someone I wanted to have a relationship with but HUBBY has had numerous flirtations and other dalliances.... I've always encouraged him to go and do and "get her out of your system"... now we are working on finding a flirtation or a "secondary" for him....

He worries about my safety, emotional, mental and physical and he's working hard to trust my judgment with this guy.

I admit to NOT knowing even at my advanced age and experience how to deal with this.

The guy (I call him Mr. Does Not Play Well With Others for various reasons) was all game for some no strings attached sex with me... even after I told him that I need to establish a connection with him first... BUT our texts and emails (we don't talk on the phone yet not sure why)... SKIRT around all sexuality. Every time I try to take it there.. he drags it back to talking about mundane things... so I'm not sure what to think.

My mind starts to spin at the idea of my Darling husband and Mr. DNPWWO both being big parts of my life... they are as opposite as men could possibly be... it's a nice mix.

Mr. DNPWWO and I have not had sex or anything even remotely resembling sex yet... we have very little time to get together and currently plan a meeting shortly after the first of the year... BUT just to get together and spend more time together just the two of us... talking and such... DATING as it were..... NOT what I thought I was signing up for...

That made me realize that I could easily have a serious deep relationship with both of these men... AND that's when I mentioned it to husband.... and we've talked and talked. and he does not want to tell me NO but I think he's just letting me do this but he is not totally thrilled about it...
 
Hello !
.....Welcome to poly.

....and I do welcome you, because your history definitely shows some tell-tale signs of poly reactions, and needs.

May I ask, under what circumstances, you and your 3rd husband met ?

That might help in figuring out how he feels about the new romantic interest :)

Again,..welcome !
 
Hello !
.....Welcome to poly.

....and I do welcome you, because your history definitely shows some tell-tale signs of poly reactions, and needs.

May I ask, under what circumstances, you and your 3rd husband met ?

That might help in figuring out how he feels about the new romantic interest :)

Again,..welcome !


Hi and Thanks...

yeah I can easily see us being Poly... we both have over the top personalities.

I actually met my current husband in an AOL chat room 8 years ago this week. We actually lived locally to each other so we started seeing each other right away.... married two years later...
 
Lots of poly people have quiet, and simple personalities :)
(I`m not one of them for the record :cool: )

It was more the fact that many poly people come from a background of trying swinging, but needing someting more. others have had multiple marriages. Others (like myself) also had that 'exclusive, long-term swinging friends' ideal for a few years.

I won`t kid you, the fact your husband is feeling torn, is a good indicator that you will deal with a emotional rollercoaster as growth comes about.

Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.

Knowledge is power. Have yourself fully equipped before you get to caught up with the new fellow. Curbing yourself a bit now, will be very beneficial for the future.

Good luck.
 
Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.

The more you can help him begin his own search for knowledge the better. Each person needs to gain their own poly intelligence :) It might help mitigate future roller coaster rides.

So ditto....

oh and welcome to the forums :D...
 
I won`t kid you, the fact your husband is feeling torn, is a good indicator that you will deal with a emotional rollercoaster as growth comes about.

Your best way of handling this, is to do as much research as possible into polyamory. Keep your husband in the loop, and help him grow with you.

Knowledge is power. Have yourself fully equipped before you get to caught up with the new fellow. Curbing yourself a bit now, will be very beneficial for the future.

Good luck.

well researching is how I found this place. It's been a roller coaster with him already... he wants to have his own relationships and he wants me to be able to do what I want... but he feels concern and jealousy.... we are talking and talking and talking... and my non-poly friends think that my talking to him is my trying to convince him and force him to do it my way... but it's not... Had he said "I can't deal with this" I would not do it. I'm glad he's letting me try this.
 
The more you can help him begin his own search for knowledge the better. Each person needs to gain their own poly intelligence :) It might help mitigate future roller coaster rides.

So ditto....

oh and welcome to the forums :D...

I'm trying to get him to join here.... I keep nothing from him so it wouldn't be like letting him into my private place....
 
Awesome.

Well, to put it bluntly, you sound like you have your shit together.

Even when we have our shit together, poly is still full of ups and downs.

For most of us, it is thinking outside the box we were ever taught. This causes the highs and lows you are starting to experience.

It sounds like your husband communicates his thought`s to you very well. If you are having problems coping, It might be that you take his feelings on for yourself ? Love can do that. :)

He stresses,...so you stress.

He`s ok,..so you are ok.

You might be feeling like you just need to know wether its green light or red light, so you can then know where you stand. For him, it`s not so simple. He might want to try, but moments of doubt might cause him to recoil. If he is the type that likes to think outloud, then you get to hear it all, and it can feel like a lot to deal with.

Thats a very normal part of being a couple.
As you get to understand poly more, you`ll probably hit a point where each of you is able to express your feelings to the other, in new ways that don`t start the roller-coaster syndrome.
It`s one of those things that can`t really be taught. It`s learned through trial and error, and experience.

It sounds like you have a good opportunity, and environment though. :)
 
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Awesome.

Well, to put it bluntly, you sound like you have your shit together.

Even when we have our shit together, poly is still full of ups and downs.

For most of us, it is thinking outside the box we were ever taught. This causes the highs and lows you are starting to experience.

It sounds like your husband communicates his thought`s to you very well. If you are having problems coping, Is it might be because you take his feelings on for yourself ? Love can do that. :)

He stresses,...so you stress.

He`s ok,..so you are ok.

You might be feeling like you just need to know wether its green light or red light, so you can then know where you stand. For him, it`s not so simple. He might want to try, but moments of doubt might cause him to recoil. If he is the type that likes to think outloud, then you get to hear it all, and it can feel like a lot to deal with.

Thats a very normal part of being a couple.
As you get to understand poly more, you`ll probably hit a point where each of you is able to express your feelings to the other, in new ways that don`t start the roller-coaster syndrome.
It`s one of those things that can`t really be taught. It`s learned through trial and error, and experience.

It sounds like you have a good opportunity, and environment though. :)

oh thanks so so much! i feel better hearing that... I keep thinking I'm nuts to want to try this if my hubby is waffling about his feelings...

he likes when we play with others together... it's the concept of my being with Mr. DNPWWO alone that concerns him...


and yes I admit to being insanely excited about this and maybe a bit too enthusiastic... I'm not even sure that Mr. DNPWWO will go for this in the long run.... but it makes sense to me... so we will see...
 
Swinging was something you did TOGETHER. It`s a couples sport.
It is something that binded you two together. A physical 'high' of how strong you are that as a TEAM.... you can do something so,..different. ;)
I am sure he is worried about 'This being the beginning of the end'..or ' What if she wants a new husband' ,..etc,..etc,. because you are branching away (in his eyes) from something you`ve always done together.

That`s scary for him. Poly tends to force us to confront our worst fears. Even in the best of relationships they deal with this aspect.

There is nothing wrong with that. Make sure he knows this. Men seem to try and be stronger in the beginning of this, then they are truly feeling on the inside. Then it explodes later down the read.
There is also nothing wrong with swinging at all. You`ve always been true to yourself before, and there is nothing saying you can`t keep being true to yourself in the future. Make sure he knows you aren`t throwing away your old life just yet.

Be careful that the crush doesn`t over ride you. Be prepared to lose battles in order to win the war. In the beginning, also be prepared to weather the storms of mistakes made in the past.

Enjoy the forum, and keep on reading :)
 
Swinging was something you did TOGETHER. It`s a couples sport.
It is something that binded you two together. A physical 'high' of how strong you are that as a TEAM.... you can do something so,..different. ;)
I am sure he is worried about 'This being the beginning of the end'..or ' What if she wants a new husband' ,..etc,..etc,. because you are branching away (in his eyes) from something you`ve always done together.

That`s scary for him. Poly tends to force us to confront our worst fears. Even in the best of relationships they deal with this aspect.

There is nothing wrong with that. Make sure he knows this. Men seem to try and be stronger in the beginning of this, then they are truly feeling on the inside. Then it explodes later down the read.
There is also nothing wrong with swinging at all. You`ve always been true to yourself before, and there is nothing saying you can`t keep being true to yourself in the future. Make sure he knows you aren`t throwing away your old life just yet.

Be careful that the crush doesn`t over ride you. Be prepared to lose battles in order to win the war. In the beginning, also be prepared to weather the storms of mistakes made in the past.

Enjoy the forum, and keep on reading :)

EXACTLY!
Hubby has made me solemnly swear that if the new guy tries to get me to leave him I will end the relationship. I keep trying to explain to him over and over that it will not happen. I did promise that I would end it if it did come to that, I just don't ever see that happening Mr. DNPWWO is not interested in me that way.... (at least not that I know of)...

I love my husband so much. AND I love him even more for being brave enough in the face of his fears to allow me the freedom to explore this.

Again, I have not discussed this with the new fellow... he has no clue I've thought of this, he's not a swinger, nor is he poly to the best of my knowledge. He's a forever single guy... and yes I am a bit distracted in my fantasies of him at this point....wondering if one day I can manage to entice him into a full poly relationship with me...

now to figure out the signs of how to know when he's ready for THAT conversation....
 
EXACTLY!
Hubby has made me solemnly swear that if the new guy tries to get me to leave him I will end the relationship. I keep trying to explain to him over and over that it will not happen. I did promise that I would end it if it did come to that, I just don't ever see that happening Mr. DNPWWO is not interested in me that way.... (at least not that I know of)...

I love my husband so much. AND I love him even more for being brave enough in the face of his fears to allow me the freedom to explore this.

Again, I have not discussed this with the new fellow... he has no clue I've thought of this, he's not a swinger, nor is he poly to the best of my knowledge. He's a forever single guy... and yes I am a bit distracted in my fantasies of him at this point....wondering if one day I can manage to entice him into a full poly relationship with me...

now to figure out the signs of how to know when he's ready for THAT conversation....

I think THAT conversation should be talked out as soon as possible. It seems the best way is to just get everything out of the way. You'll know then and there whether to go on with what you want or to just walk away. The sooner the better. I know I'd want to know about all that before it was too late.
 
I think THAT conversation should be talked out as soon as possible. It seems the best way is to just get everything out of the way. You'll know then and there whether to go on with what you want or to just walk away. The sooner the better. I know I'd want to know about all that before it was too late.


yeah but for right now it's just supposed to be fun and games.... and I'm ok with that. I'm not sure what to think... I know from my dating days that you don't change the rules on someone.

he's met hubby. the three of us talked about the fact that he and i were going to embark on No strings attached sex... but that i needed to have some connection to him... so we started email... and every time I try to talk about sexual things he drags me back to the mundane... I almost feel like a girl friend listening to him vent about work and such...

not sure how to proceed... thinking i need to wait till we are face to face to talk about it... email gives me less control with him than I need.

I'm not use to dominant men. My husband is submissive in most things. As an older woman I tend to be a bit more forthright and dominant. This new guy does not seem to take that well.... (and that I admit is part of his charm)
 
not sure how to proceed... thinking i need to wait till we are face to face to talk about it... email gives me less control with him than I need.

...agreed.

Quite honestly, some people need everything put on the table, so they know what they are dealing with, while other people can`t handle all of the information at once. I am sure your husband and you both know how your desire for information flows.

I'm not use to dominant men. My husband is submissive in most things. As an older woman I tend to be a bit more forthright and dominant. This new guy does not seem to take that well.... (and that I admit is part of his charm)


This part sounds very much like me, with a relationship I had, about this time last year.

You can skin a cat more then one way, as the old saying goes. Just make sure to skin it fairly. :) Your crush sounds like he hasn`t quite figured out why he likes you yet either , but theres something there that he does like. :) He`s getting to know you in a manner he feels comfortable with, because he`s truly interested. Sounds good to me.

Your husband needs you to go slow anyways,...and give him time to wrap his brain around it, and build some security.

If your husband is more submissive, it will always be YOUR ACTIONS with this, that influence his confidence. So,...go slow,....even in your excitement for the new crush. At the same time,..whatever things have slowed down between your husband and you, you need to pick it back up, and get excited with him.... For him. In poly, ......a little goes a long way, in helping our SO`s see that they are part of a healthy balance, very much needed, and loved.
 
...agreed.

Quite honestly, some people need everything put on the table, so they know what they are dealing with, while other people can`t handle all of the information at once. I am sure your husband and you both know how your desire for information flows.




This part sounds very much like me, with a relationship I had, about this time last year.

You can skin a cat more then one way, as the old saying goes. Just make sure to skin it fairly. :) Your crush sounds like he hasn`t quite figured out why he likes you yet either , but theres something there that he does like. :) He`s getting to know you in a manner he feels comfortable with, because he`s truly interested. Sounds good to me.

Your husband needs you to go slow anyways,...and give him time to wrap his brain around it, and build some security.

If your husband is more submissive, it will always be YOUR ACTIONS with this, that influence his confidence. So,...go slow,....even in your excitement for the new crush. At the same time,..whatever things have slowed down between your husband and you, you need to pick it back up, and get excited with him.... For him. In poly, ......a little goes a long way, in helping our SO`s see that they are part of a healthy balance, very much needed, and loved.

thanks so much this makes great sense to me.
 
Have you tried to find something else that the two of you can do together to replace swinging? That might help to increase his confidence and show him that you really DO love him and are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship with him as top priority!
 
Have you tried to find something else that the two of you can do together to replace swinging? That might help to increase his confidence and show him that you really DO love him and are willing to do whatever it takes to keep the relationship with him as top priority!

i don't understand... can you give me examples.


btw we are not replacing swinging...

again I just never thought we were going to have this relationship.. .and to be honest I'm not sure the other guy will even be game for it...
 
Something specifically for the two of you..swinging was something you did together, as someone else pointed out, it was something special the two of you shared.

You say that you are enjoying the mental connection with your new guy, the conversations, the intellectual exchange. Is there something the two of you share, maybe you haven't done it in a while, which you could do again soon to show him that you really do love him, are there for him, that THIS relationship is VERY important to you.

I'm trying to think of examples but my mind is drawing a blank (vacation time tends to do that to me). Maybe visit a special place that is only special to the two of you, you don't go there with anyone else?

Gahhhhhhhhh, it feels like I'm being clear as mud. Maybe once Breathes gets home he can help me clarify what I'm trying to say *sigh*.
 
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