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Old 12-19-2013, 03:44 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

Just a little personal detail;
I tend to be quick to express things without thinking about timing. Not just bad things; anything.
This was something I had to REALLY stop and work on in my life because Maca REALLY CAN NOT HANDLE having complicated (good or bad) topics brought up "at random".

One thing we did in the midst of trying to work through some REALLY hard shit; was designate a specific evening at a specific time for bringing up problem issues. That way I knew I WOULD have a chance to talk. He knew it wasn't going to suddenly be sprung on him when he was busy with other stuff.

Another thing I did was start writing. Because some things I could reason out on paper without ever going to him. So by the time we talked about them-I already had resolved them and it was a "I was feeling this way-but I did this and now I'm feeling this way" which wasn't leaving him feeling like he was pressured.

Also; (bit of irony here) I don't handle surprises well. So I DID understand how upsetting it was for him when I suddenly started blabbing about what I was thinking-when he was least expecting it.

He needed to understand that his ACTIONS were continuously surprises-because he isn't a talker. So for example, he hated and I do mean HATED this woman I knew. For YEARS he hated her. They got in a fight over something he said about her that she overheard. A week later he tells me he thinks he wants to date her. I'm like WTF are you TALKING about?!?!?!
Well-in the week between the fight and him dropping the date bomb on me-they had been texting all day long while they were at work. They had managed to resolve the conflict that had been between them for YEARS and he thought he was too harsh and maybe she was worth dating.

All in all-that wasn't a terrible thing. But dropping it on me when the last word I had heard was that he HATED her-that was a disaster.

It took some time for him to realize-I really need a "warning". So for example; he will say "I'm considering dating again". Then I know-it's coming. So when he says he has a date-I'm not flabbergasted because the last word I heard was that he was "not dating anymore because it was too stressful and too much work and there were no poly women worth his time and effort in the state".

Maybe your gf could work on those little "warnings". Letting you know things are increasing here, there or wherever.
Maybe you can work on not bringing up concerns/worries/issues at ANY time, but at specified times for dealing with them so she doesn't feel like she needs to change to fix a "problem" with you...
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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