Redpepper's journey

I feel as if the poly I am is based entirely on my insecurity, need to belong, fear and hoarding of partners in order to maintain my fucked up mentally unhealthy tower of impending doom that might fall with one person walking away simply to carry on with their lives. How's that for being fucked up. :eek:

At least I admit it.

Thing is I love my partners with all my heart and when I sort this shit of tangled strings of thought in my head, then what? Complete freedom from care? Will I let go for always? Will that lead to a change so vast I won't have a need to have them in my life and want to be alone? What kind of gift to them would it be if they lovingly stick by me through the work I have to do only for me to possibly leave at the end of it? Its thoughts like these that hold me back from doing the work I need to do in its entirety.


One of my previous bff's (who ironically is no longer due to her not agreeing with my poly lifestyle) once said she chooses to be with someone but does not need to be with someone.

Wishes of happiness and health to you; Your writing is very helpful & inspriational.
 
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One of my previous bff's (who ironically is no longer due to her not agreeing with my poly lifestyle) once said she chooses to be with someone but does not need to be with someone.

Wishes of happiness and health to you; Your writing is very helpful & inspriational.

Yes. Very good point. Thanks for pointing that out. :)
 
I had the same thought as Delphinius. Your partners seem like good people. As such, I'm sure they much prefer that you be with because of want, and not because of need. Like, if you were financially indebted to them, I'm sure they'd rather that you free yourself of that debt and then stay or go because of your genuine desire and love for them, not because you're tied to them. Why should it be different because the need is psychological, rather than monetary? Love and devotion ought to be given freely.

What makes you think that you won't want your partners any more once you're free of needing them? Do you think that being psychologically healthy means you will no longer want love, sex, companionship? Sure doesn't seem to work that way for most people!
 
I'm no expert, I don't even play one on TV, but I did have a couple of thoughts.

I don't think you have to fear becoming free from care. It's easy not to burn grey matter about things you don't care about. No question that it's difficult to not get carried away when you (not you specifically, the collective you) care deeply about something. But the balance will never be you free from care.

This is a long blog, and you are an articulate writer who has shared a wonderful story with us, with helpful advice and comments for many. I'd be surprised if any work you did produced a mind space where you were healthy with yourself, and the bonus was freedom from care. That's not spicy at all. "Blandpepper" just wouldn't fit.

Might you find yourself in a position where you have to take the advice of Dr. Seuss? "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Unfortunately maybe, yes. But there is a lot of good stuff in here to be happy about because it happened.

As far as what sort of a gift it would be for those who lovingly stood by you while you did your work, only to have you leave: they didn't support you just to make sure you would never leave. They stood by you with the hope that you would be happy. They're all smart and loving people. How would they feel if you were only there out of obligation?

Thanks sincerely for sharing.
 
Thanks for the posts. For some reason I got it into my head that relationships fill needs when, of course, they can just be wonderful and not need to. Of course I will want to have my loves in my life. What was I thinking? Change does not mean end, after all. :)
 
I'm taking the night off tonight to take LB to the IMAX movie Butterflies. I've heard it's good and he is really looking forward to it. I have been busy with a new number and a new show coming up this Friday, and he hasn't had much Mumma time. He's turning ten next month and I feel his interest in Mumma time slipping a bit. So I am really looking forward to our Mumma and boy date.

I had a party this weekend for my brother. He just finished his PHD and came to visit from a neighboring city. He didn't bring his gf, which was really nice. She's a nice woman, but the two of them are so codependent and it kind of means that I don't get any time with my bro at all when she is around. I was glad to hog him and show him a good time.

Ken came to the party with his now ex-girlfriend (my co-worker). She and I have been getting along like we used to since they broke up. I am glad to have my friend back. The two of them didn't have enough in common to stay together, so they decided to break up, according to her.

I haven't had a chance to talk to him, since I have been busy with the show. But I have asked if I can take him for dinner to thank him for helping me out by lending me space in the apartment building he manages. He is also going to work on my van soon so I can start going to outdoor music fests in it. So excited!

I am planning to work on getting my bike license after this show. I have the book. I need to read it, pass the exam and then do the road test. Then buy a bike.

I saw a woman yesterday on one when I pulled up to a light beside her. She was obviously on top of the world about being out in the sun and free. She reminded me of a female Mono. ;) It made me happy and all the more inspired. For now, Ken has offered to take me on his when he and Mono go for rides.

I have been talking a bit with my high school sweetheart. He has a woman in his life that he flirts with and meets in random cities. They are both CEOs in similar circles and understand each other in a way I don't understand. I am happy for him and happy to talk to him when he gets a chance and needs an ear. I think that has become my role, for now, in his life and I like it. It makes me feel good to help someone out that might not otherwise get the help due to circumstances and public image. Besides, I still love him a whole lot and have a connection due to our history.

Off to get the boy and go to a movie. :) It's a good day. :)
 
Well, life's a bitch ain't it? Everything changes in one day when you have four partners. Really, could anything get more challenging? I have learned that the only place to turn is inward. Walk through all of it and hold myself closely. My boy helps. He is a steady and constant. Until he turns 13 and then even he will be unpredictable.

Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only and who I want the same with and settle into mono lala land for ever n ever. Poly sucks ass. Mono is better.

Spending the day in bed to recap, reinvent my brain, cry it all out and put on my big girl panties, so that I can walk in the world as a lone rider with four partners. I seriously don't know how you poly people do this. How have I been doing it? I feel no connection to anyone right now and wonder why I am bothering. I did when I was mono. Yet on it goes... On it goes... On it goes...

Rant over.
 
Well, life's a bitch ain't it? Everything changes in one day when you have four partners. Really, could anything get more challenging? I have learned that the only place to turn is inward. Walk through all of it and hold myself closely. My boy helps. He is a steady and constant. Until he turns 13 and then even he will be unpredictable. Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only and who I want the same with and settle into mono lala land for ever n ever. Poly sucks ass, mono is better.

Spending the day in bed to recap, reinvent my brain, cry it all out and put on my big girl panties so that I can walk in the world as a lone rider with four partners. I seriously don't know how you poly people do this. How have I been doing it? I feel no connection to anyone right now and wonder why I am bothering. I did when I was mono. Yet on it goes.... on it goes. On it goes.

Rant over.


You seem to have a lot of these moments lately, then you regroup and recharge. Are you past your limitations of quantity to be consistently satisfied, without needing to have these negative feelings? Or is this just a blog rant that's quickly dismissed once you're back to being satisfied? I ask that out of curiosity because of the emotional rollercoaster posts you've been putting out there in recent times, which are very, very different from when this blog started.
 
Man I want to be off this roller coaster some days. I just want some nice partner that wants to be with me and me only

But the Ferris Wheel gets old and you get tired of seeing the same view over and over... Both rides have their ups and downs.

Try the bumper cars some time.
 
But the Ferris Wheel gets old and you get tired of seeing the same view over and over... Both rides have their ups and downs.

Try the bumper cars some time.

I don't know, eventually a nice Ferris wheel keeps looking attractive once you've barfed enough on the other rides. Ya get tired of some adventures that take too many of your conscious thoughts and start wanting to have others that aren't so negatively taxing.

Explorers don't always climb mountains, sometimes they walk around them to get to their destination. :)
 
I don't know, eventually a nice Ferris wheel keeps looking attractive once you've barfed enough on the other rides. Ya get tired of some adventures that take too many of your conscious thoughts and start wanting to have others that aren't so negatively taxing.

Explorers don't always climb mountains, sometimes they walk around them to get to their destination. :)

Whatever, redpepper say roller-coaster no fun, Boring Guy say ferris-wheel boring.

You no say why bumper car no good?
 
I found 3 serious partners to be too many. Right now I've got 2 serious partners and am still chatting with young men, I guess looking for a nice semi-casual funtime guy. But one after another, these young men poop out on me! But enough about me.

Having 4 serious partners, plus a child to raise, plus a fulltime job, sounds like quantity over quality, and permanent residence in Burn-Out City, to me! Fuck the amusement rides. It just sounds like work, work, work. Like a flustered hen in the barnyard trying desperately to herd her flock of chicks, squawking and fussing away. Bleh.
 
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Like a flustered hen in the barnyard trying desperately to herd herd her flock of chicks, squawking and fussing away. Bleh.

It sounds more like herding cats to me.

Let the similies and metaphors flow freely!
 
Mono has found someone he likes. He is not cheating and we all know. I guess we will all be adjusting (mostly me). He wanted to try poly out, so here he is. It's better than the cheating, but still hard for me. We are so not on the same path right now. He says it's not about specific people but a shift in his thinking about his relationships. He tried doing it his way and it didn't work, so now he's trying it my way. I guess we shall see what happens.
 
I'm curious. How would you feel if instead, mono realized he is bi and met a man instead of a woman? Would it make any difference to you?
 
Why what?
 
Why what?
Why did you ask, I would assume.

Mono has found someone he likes, is not cheating and we all know. I guess we will all be adjusting. Mostly me. He wanted to try poly out so here he is. Its better than the cheating but still hard for me. We are so not on the same path right now. He says its not about specific people but a shift in his thinking about his relationships. He tried doing it his way and it didn't work so now he's trying it my way. I guess we shall see what happens.
I think it's great that he's open to trying something new. He's been around you and the poly lot for so long, perhaps he's seeing how much good it really is to be open.

I don't understand why you feel down about it. I certainly don't understand why you'd feel you wanted to go the opposite direction, either.
My guess is oversaturation. You're putting too much work on yourself, for things you need not worry about. =]
 
I think it's great that he's open to trying something new. He's been around you and the poly lot for so long, perhaps he's seeing how much good it really is to be open.

I don't understand why you feel down about it. I certainly don't understand why you'd feel you wanted to go the opposite direction, either.
My guess is oversaturation. You're putting too much work on yourself, for things you need not worry about. =]
Yes. You're probably right. I think if I had a chance to heal from his having gone behind my back and breaking my trust then I would feel more confident. I am left with no choice but to go with it.
 
I'm sad that your life seems so tough just now. Thank you for continuing to write about it and to share about Mono's change in thinking - this is something that is very useful to me right now.

I hope that things settle down for all of you soon and that you are able to share more happy times with us again.

IP
 
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