Lost on a rollercoaster of confusion

BlueDragonfly

New member
Hello,

The past few weeks have been a crazy rollercoaster so I am not really sure where to start. I recently came out to my husband as being poly. He is mono. We have been working on communication issues and since I told him our communication has been amazing. He has never beent his open and connected to me. He had a big issue about lying about other women in the past and though he says he never cheated, I still am unsure. We have had severe trust issues because of this. I told him that other women wouldn't bother me, it's the lies that always bothered me... but I can get to all that at another time.

My husband knew I met someone that I liked very much and he kept telling me to go ahead and do what I needed/wanted and just not to tell him... I resisted very much to any form of temptation and continued to focus on my relationship with my husband however he kept the same stance each time.

Then the other night, after a few drinks with friends, I kissed, very briefly, the man that I like very much... I didn't know if I should tell my husband or not due to his no tell policy that he had been reiterating.

So the next day my husband asks if anything has ever happened... me being the honest person I am told him... he then got very mad/upset. He told me he only told me to do what I wanted to see if I would actually do it... he then took that ability back.

But the next day my husband decided to meet the other person. We all hung out (with another female friend) and it was quite tense but it wasn't dramatic. My husband has been very back and forth with everything at this point. I don't blame him.

Unfortunately the person I liked turned out to be a completely different person than I thought he was. It's a hard process letting go since I've known him for quite some time now as we are friends.

So now here I am, on this crazy rollercoaster. A partly broken heart because I am losing a man I care about, the rest broken when I see my husband hurting. I know this takes time and my husband has been surprisingly more supportive that I anticipated.

My head is just spinning. Any advice would be great. I feel so lost, we feel so lost.
 
He told me he only told me to do what I wanted to see if I would actually do it... he then took that ability back.

This is bullshit. We aren't 7 years old, there are no "take backs". If he honestly thought he'd be okay with it, and then honestly discovered he wasn't as okay as he thought he'd be and asked for time to process and have you not take further steps for now, that'd be one thing. But you don't play games with or "test" your significant others. That's immature and manipulative and he needs to grow up.

I'm glad you think he's being supportive otherwise and I'm sorry about the other guy. Between the trust and communication issues I'd recommend you guys talk to a marriage counselor and get your own relationship solid before you try to make a mono/poly relationship work.
 
He needs not to play games. What did he hope to accomplish? Telling you it was fine was a sure way to get you to go further than he was comfortable with, and then blame you for it, even though he told you to. This is very passive-aggressive.

He needs to learn to be honest, and tell you how he actually feels, and then you can work with that in mind. If he feeds you lies, you'll make decisions based on these lies and it will end up badly.

I hope you can work on your trust and that he'll learn to be more straightforward. Good luck.
 
Look, the back-and-forth as folks are getting used to poly and a new relationship configuration that breaks open accepted norms is quite normal.

However, it has to be done in a team approach. You discuss things, you decide to try something, if it doesn't work, then you take a step back and analyse, if it does work, then you file that away.

The big thing is that if he doesn't want to be told what goes on, then he has no right to be asking you, you telling him the truth, and then being upset. If he doesn't want to know, he shouldn't be asking, and putting you in position where you have to lie.
 
I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, because I'm naughty that way, and take a slightly different approach...

People are human - we all make mistakes. Especially when we're freaking out about something.

Obviously, playing "test" games aren't a great idea. But... is there a chance that rather than trying to be cruel, he was clinging to the hope that if he didn't seem bothered, your cravings to do it would go away?

Ultimately, I think it's important to keep the end goal in mind -

Do you both want to be poly? Do you want to be mono/poly? Are you open to loving others, or just sex with others? Dating multiple extra people, or just one person?

Then try to work around/towards that goal. Obviously it's probably going to evolve; but it helps to have an idea in mind, rather than blindly muddling through.

You've taken the first step and started communicating - that's brilliant.

The fact that he agreed to meet him is a promising thing.

God, I'm no Poly Guru - I've been in one mono/poly relationship before and my current poly relationship for 16 months. Because you say you've "come out" as poly... I'm guessing you mean you have been poly before? Or do you mean that you feel poly/want to be poly? :) I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs.

However, the one piece of advice I'd give you is take it slow. Oh my God, take it slow! My girlfriend and I refer to the mistakes we made in the first few months as "Casualties from the Great Poly War".... and there will probably be some! In five years, we'll probably look at this period right now as the "Second Great Poly War". ;)

My advice would be to sit down with your husband, over a period of time - not a weekend, or a week, but more like a month, at least, and start working things through. Give it time to adjust and feel secure before dipping your toe into the waters.

Again... if you know all this already... I'm sorry!! If you don't .... consider some 'poly guidelines'? Some people don't like using them, some people do. We used to hate the idea, but having none created a complete mess of dashed expectations and double standards.

Though I'm very sorry to hear that the person you liked wasn't all he made out to be; try to see it as a positive thing that you've learnt a good lesson early on... My girlfriend and I picked so many 'toxic' people during the first 4 or 5 months. Now, one of our guidelines is that we all try to meet each others secondary partners and get to know them. We communicate if we get a bad feeling. And we try to take it slow (unless it's meant to be a one-off fling), because people don't tend to show their true colours straight away. Maybe that's something you could talk about.

I would definitely recommend looking online for the various poly resources that are out there. Depending on your area, you could consider poly groups and meetings?

One thing I have personally just learnt, due to the people in this forum, is that there is no "this is how I should feel" in poly. They are just feelings and they just evolve. Ideally, you work together to do that.

Finally... would the idea be that you see other people, but he stays monogamous? This can work... it actually did for me, for a while... but it's not without its problems. Sometimes an even playing field helps balance things out, helps to create empathy for each other (because you can relate to the same experience). That's really between the two of you, though.

Ultimately, bottom line, my advice would be to take everything really slow and steady. I don't mean a false sense of security by staying monogamous for a year - but a compromise of time to keep the boat steady.

I've learnt from recent arguments (yum :rolleyes:) with my girlfriend that if the boat's not steady to begin with... dumping a bunch of extra bodies in isn't going to help. To use a cheesy metaphor - life jackets help!
 
We have been working on communication issues and since I told him our communication has been amazing. He has never beent his open and connected to me.

Ok, so improving an area where you were both previously weak. Awesome. But it's not set smooth yet because the communication channels are not yet clear.

My husband knew I met someone that I liked very much and he kept telling me to go ahead and do what I needed/wanted and just not to tell him.

So the next day my husband asks if anything has ever happened... me being the honest person I am told him... he then got very mad/upset. He told me he only told me to do what I wanted to see if I would actually do it... he then took that ability back.


Mixed messages much?

If he means "do not tell me" then why is he asking if anything happened? I thought you were not supposed to tell? If he does not mean for you to go ahead, then why get mad when you do? What's this business of only offering to see if you really would go there? Why is your mindreader-ability being "tested" like that and your trustworthy meter taking hit points?

It is clearer communication for him to just state his own wants, needs, and limits from the get go up front. It is clearer communication for him to just state that he does not KNOW his own wants, needs, limits just yet on this issue and needs time/help to figure it out. Saying one thing and meaning another and expecting you to divine it out of the skies is anything but clear communication!

You don't need to be lost. It takes some getting used to, but get your ground rules pegged down first. Since the date guy wasn't a runner after all, and since you know you have communication work yet to peg down, you have a window of opportunity here. I'd close back up for a little bit and pause the dating so you can work on strengthening communication with spouse before trying anew with a new date.

Review what happened.

Where the the communication break down happen?

Who will own what piece of the puzzle there? Did he expect you to mindreader him in his discomfort? Will he start just spitting it OUT and own that? If he said he did not want to know and slipped up, did you ask him for confirmation that the "don't tell me" is still the rule before just spitting it out yourself? If not, will you own that -- the need to go "are you sure?" before revealing.

I didn't want to know anything until there was something for me to get excited about. Where my line in the sand was at anything that could cootify me seriously -- I wanted a heads up if another dating partner was looking to go loverly. Oral, PIV, anal sex -- things like that. Some hugging and kissing and light petting wasn't going to bother me too much. I trusted my partner to just give me the heads up. That worked for us, I don't know if that could work for you. But find where your lines in the sand are.

How will each do better next time to prevent this from happening again? This mixed messages thing?

How will each deal with emotional upheavals in themselves? In their partner? While the emotions are high? Give each other space? Go talk to a trusted friend? What? Because you can't be snipping at each other in high emotion. It's just emotion anyway. Let the storm blow over, then deal with picking up the pieces with intent. When emotions take a chill, how will you act together to solve the issue that caused the emotional whirlwind? (you can choose to ACT with intent, rather than merely REACT all willy nilly).

What's the goal here? You with a steady he can get used to and then not be all shook up any more in dating world? A V with you as the hinge? Something else?
Get the goal down of what you seek -- a "V", triad, one partner extra, two extra partners, WHAT? Get your spouse's buy in on that mission so they know what to expect and aren't all afloat in weird unknown.

Then get the broad strokes of "this is how we agree to be together in my dating time" down.

Just take it one thing at a time. But know that if you want/need to date, his need/want for comfort, safety, security is going to have to be addressed too.

Obviously you tried "do what you want and do not tell me" was fingers in the ears lalalalalala I wanna know but I dowanna know aaaaah! -- and fell flat. Was he offering this just to avoid having to have a Big Talk to lay it all out more clearly?

If so, then you need to work on his Big Talk skill building before you even go further. Poly has a LOT of Big Talk times. You can't hack Big Talk time as a duo, you won't hack it as a trio. And when it's schedule calendar crazy time -- hello! Resentment, jealous, weirdo mess spilling into Small Talk time because nobody wants to do the Big Talk work in Big Talk time.

So that open wide DADT approach will not work in your dating time in your couplehood. What will then?

Find the happy medium. Get talking.

GG
 
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First up, I'd sit him down and explain that you will take him at his word. That means that if he says he's ok with something he's not actually ok with, then he doesn't get to blame you when you do what he said you could do.

Then do it. Take him at his word.

He says he doesn't want the last cupcake? You eat it. He doesn't care what you watch on TV? You choose and he doesn't get to complain. He says to do what you want with a new friend? Do it. He asks for the juicy details? Show him the video (ok, that's probably going too far, but you get the point). Eventually he'll get used to expressing himself honestly because he'll have learned that doing otherwise is counter-productive.
 
Absolutely agree, Emm - we allow ourselves to get into the habit of playing too many games and not saying what we mean. We have to train ourselves and our partners to express clearly what they want and react to them as if they are doing it - it's a feedback loop that is tough to get going, but becomes a lot easier once you start getting into the habit.
 
I'm glad you think he's being supportive otherwise and I'm sorry about the other guy. Between the trust and communication issues I'd recommend you guys talk to a marriage counselor and get your own relationship solid before you try to make a mono/poly relationship work.

We have already been to counseling.... it didn't do much for us, we tried it with more than one therapist too.

These last few weeks we have opened up more than ever and I have felt closer to him than ever... I've decided to just pull the reins back on the mono/poly and slowly dip our toes in the water as time goes on. We are just going to take this day by day as they come our way :)
 
Obviously, playing "test" games aren't a great idea. But... is there a chance that rather than trying to be cruel, he was clinging to the hope that if he didn't seem bothered, your cravings to do it would go away?

Yes, I agree, I think it was his way to see if this was just a 'phase', however I explained to him several times that I have always felt this way, I just never knew I wasn't alone in the thought process.


Do you both want to be poly? Do you want to be mono/poly? Are you open to loving others, or just sex with others? Dating multiple extra people, or just one person?

He says he is mono and I am the only one for him but I am poly. However given his history, etc... I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he may open up to it someday. It seems to bother him very much that I would be so happy for him if he ever found another woman to date.

I am not an overly sexual person, he has the sex drive as a teenage boy, constantly wanting it. I am more of an intimate, emotional connection type of person with kissing, cuddling, etc. I am not sure now at this point what we will be open to. I am open to anything but I am also the one that wants this, so this is something that we are going to continue to work on.


Because you say you've "come out" as poly... I'm guessing you mean you have been poly before? Or do you mean that you feel poly/want to be poly? :)

I have never been in a poly relationship, when I have been in love with more than one person before, I ulitmately picked one... I didn't know this world existed, I just thought I wasn't 'normal'.


Finally... would the idea be that you see other people, but he stays monogamous? This can work... it actually did for me, for a while... but it's not without its problems. Sometimes an even playing field helps balance things out, helps to create empathy for each other (because you can relate to the same experience).

I am up for a full poly relationship, but he says he is mono, which I totally respect. So right now it is mono/poly. If he comes to me one day and says that he wants to try poly, I'd be totally up for it and he knows that.

Thank you for all the great advice!!!
 
Where the the communication break down happen? Who will own what piece of the puzzle there? Did he expect you to mindreader him in his discomfort? Will he start just spitting it OUT and own that? If he said he did not want to know and slipped up, did you ask him for confirmation that the "don't tell me" is still the rule before just spitting it out yourself? If not, will you own that -- the need to go "are you sure?" before revealing.

He asked me and I simply stated "I thought you didn't want to know if something has or has not happened". He stated he wanted to know. I've told him that I am ok with taking a step back right now but I explained to him that this is something that is not going to go away and this is something I want in life. We are just taking the discussions from there


How will each do better next time to prevent this from happening again? This mixed messages thing?

How will each deal with emotional upheavals in themselves? In their partner? While the emotions are high? Give each other space? Go talk to a trusted friend? What? Because you can't be snipping at each other in high emotion. It's just emotion anyway. Let the storm blow over, then deal with picking up the pieces with intent. When emotions take a chill, how will you act together to solve the issue that caused the emotional whirlwind? (you can choose to ACT with intent, rather than merely REACT all willy nilly).

It's funny that you say that about snipping at each other, etc. Before all of this came out we were constantly yelling or arguing... now we are talking calmly and are very collected in our thoughts and actions.


Just take it one thing at a time. But know that if you want/need to date, his need/want for comfort, safety, security is going to have to be addressed too.

Obviously you tried "do what you want and do not tell me" was fingers in the ears lalalalalala I wanna know but I dowanna know aaaaah! -- and fell flat. Was he offering this just to avoid having to have a Big Talk to lay it all out more clearly?

If so, then you need to work on his Big Talk skill building before you even go further. Poly has a LOT of Big Talk times. You can't hack Big Talk time as a duo, you won't hack it as a trio. And when it's schedule calendar crazy time -- hello! Resentment, jealous, weirdo mess spilling into Small Talk time because nobody wants to do the Big Talk work in Big Talk time.

So that open wide DADT approach will not work in your dating time in your couplehood. What will then?

Find the happy medium. Get talking.

GG

We have had several "Big Talks"... I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

I've have told him a thousand times now that he is my top priority and I'll say it a thousand times again. This is something that I want to go into together.

Right now we are just going to step back and talk talk talk.. It's seems like the best approach at this point.

Thank you for all the great advice!! :)
 
First up, I'd sit him down and explain that you will take him at his word. That means that if he says he's ok with something he's not actually ok with, then he doesn't get to blame you when you do what he said you could do.

Then do it. Take him at his word.

He says he doesn't want the last cupcake? You eat it. He doesn't care what you watch on TV? You choose and he doesn't get to complain. He says to do what you want with a new friend? Do it. He asks for the juicy details? Show him the video (ok, that's probably going too far, but you get the point). Eventually he'll get used to expressing himself honestly because he'll have learned that doing otherwise is counter-productive.

That is what I did... I told him you kept giving me the green light and I kept saying to him that he needs to tell me if he is really ok with it and he kept saying to go ahead. We had a discussion last night, a female friend of mine wanted to go out and play darts. He told me to go out but I knew just by his expression and tone of voice that he didn't want me to. I told him to honestly tell me if he wanted me to go out. He just said "I'm not gonna stop you from going out and I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do". I explained to him that I understood that but we are a team and if he didn't want me to go out, I'd be ok with that... so I got the whole go out again... so I went out, for an hour, and I came back. I told him I knew he didn't want me to go out but since he didn't come out and say it, then I am not going to play games and I am going to go out.

I do hope he will finally be able to speak up... He may be able to communicate about the bigger issues but the smaller issues make up a lot too.
 
The trick is that he doesn't tell you not to go - he tells you that he would rather you didn't, and maybe why "I was hoping we could stay in and watch Buffy reruns together" or something.... it is then your decision what you want to do, but you do it based on a position of knowledge.
 
I think he was just trying to make me happy even though he didn't want it and saying what he thought I wanted to hear.

He told me to go out but I knew just by his expression and tone of voice that he didn't want me to.

Sigh.

This is a drag. He's not holding his own bag.

In my world?

YOU would have the right to clear communication. (He is not doing this.)

HE would have the responsibility to state his wants, needs, and limits. (He is not doing this).

Ergo, if he feels all Mr Huffy about your going out because you took him at face value, he has to own it. Because you were not given clear information and he's not doing his responsibility.

"I'm not gonna stop you from going out and I'm not going to tell you what to do and what not to do

This is being Mr Passive Aggressive -- expecting your to mind reader his true wants,needs,limits from the skies.

And "testing" your mind reader-ability. And if you do not pick the "correct" choice, your punishment will be living with Mr Huffy for a while.

Draaaag.

In my world -- that's skirting close to lying (by omission, not telling the needs, wants, and limits straight up) and that's been 2 examples already of namby pamby. He'd get a warning from me. Frown. :mad: I cannot play with a non-serious player.

Keep it up and he'd get a strike on this namby pamby issue. And I do 3 strikes you are out if you refuse to play ball. WORK with me here. I'm not throwing in the towel in a rough patch but you do have to WORK with me here.

I explained to him that I understood that but we are a team and if he didn't want me to go out, I'd be ok with that... so I got the whole go out again... so I went out, for an hour, and I came back. I told him I knew he didn't want me to go out but since he didn't come out and say it, then I am not going to play games and I am going to go out.

I am glad you did this and did not play into Mr Passive Aggressive.

You are exercising your right to clear communication and clear feedback.

You are doing your responsibility about stating your want/need for clear communication.

You are stating your limit -- You will not play mind games. You will take his words at face value then. You don't want to have draaaag stuff out of him or mind reader it.

He must speak his truth! Hold his own bag!

You cannot hold both your bag and his bag.

I broke up with an ex over this very thing. Ugh. DH used to be this way and it made me crazy too but luckily he could and did own it and got better with it. He's still around! :)

Ask him what he wants here. He has the right to your support and nurture. Does he want to work on this communication thing or not? If yeah, then the next time this comes up, you have to do some fishing then to help him. Maybe the next FEW times to get him used to thinking about articulating his wants, needs, and limits without prompting. Because look! Nothing horrible happens when you do!

Say your pal wants to do darts again.

"My pal wants to do darts again on Friday. I would like to go if that is ok with you. Is it ok with you? What are you needs for Friday? What are your wants for Friday? What are your limits for Friday? Negotiate with me."

Maybe he wants to go on a swanky date OUT with you -- then you just no thanks pal to this time. Maybe next. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he needs a nap first -- so you go out for a while to darts, then come home by 11 PM so you can cozy up and have an in house movie date with him when he's rested. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Maybe he's fine with you going out this Friday, he's wide open to that because he's exhausted and will tuck in early AND sleep late. But NEXT day he wants to do brunch with his mother so... just be home in time so you are well rested to be fully present for that and he's cool. (See, honey? Was that so horrible? Just state your wants. I'm good with it.)

Why this is so hard I never understand. (mind boggling) Just spit it OUT, whatever it is. Sheesh.

GG
 
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Well I called him out on his passive agressive behavior and cited several examples over the past few days... We discussed that this is something that we are going to work on together...

Here's to hoping it works!!!! :)
 
Glad to hear he's going to play ball with you on it, own the Mr Passive Aggressive problem and try new approaches that hopefully lead to a better way for both so both are happier. Yay! :)

GL!

GalaGirl
 
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