2much's possible journey into fraternal polyandry

2muchlove

New member
From my introductory post I learnt that fraternal polyandry seems to be a step too far even for polys! :eek: But, it is a 'thing' and although it seems rare and even rarer for it to work, my situation hasn't changed so I'm carefully picking my way down that rocky ravine anyway...

I don't know if I 'qualify' as poly - I know that when I was growing up I never pictured myself with just one man, ideally I'd have two and I literally had lovely cosy dreams at night of being in bed cuddled up to two men lol :eek: When I actually started 'dating' I felt I had to play by the rules though, so I kept all my relationships strictly casual so it was fine that they 'overlapped' sometimes. Then I got into serous relationships and settled down to being mono fairly happily - I've never cheated, I never could, I know for a fact I could not enjoy sex in those circumstances.

So I met my husband (The Scientist) and he is perfect for me and I would be 100% happy with just us two forever. What makes me think I'm poly rather than a disgusting greedy person is that I feel like most people see love as like a cake, just one cake, and in order to love another you'd have to cut a slice of it out, meaning the original person has less. I don't feel that way about my husband, I feel like our love is encased in an inpenetrable steel ball and anything else that happens happens outside that ball, which will never be cut into, carved up etc.

So, husband has a brother (The Mechanic) as I said in my introductory post, and we all work together on our joint business and live very close to each other. The Mechanic doesn't have a partner and as far as I or The Scientist know, never has. He's in his 40s and I think is a virgin. It's fairly common knowledge amongst his intimates that this isn't of his choosing. He has tried with women, but they cannot see past his shyness. I spent 6yrs trying to find someone for him myself, but was shocked at how shallow people could be and fell out with friends over it - not just being shallow, but so rude and dismissive with it. The truth is that when you get past the chronic initial shyness, he's incredibly intelligent, witty, genuine and kind.

So, I got to thinking that I would have him, no problem, if I were single. I'm not of course, but is that so much of a barrier in our situation? We operate as a great, functional threesome already, The Mechanic dotes on our daughter. The only thing that's missing is sex and affection for The Mechanic, which I am happy to give. Obviously though, my priority is my husband and as such NOTHING has ever happened between me and The Mechanic, we don't even hug. I would proceed no further without The Scientist's full knowledge and consent.

I know he's a relaxed guy with a live-and-let-live attitude: he will defend poly in a debate. But he's pretty old fashioned/conservative with regards to how he lives his own life. He's open minded in the bedroom, but only between us; he's said no to threesomes of any kind. Although I'd love to try a MFM threesome, I'm not after that here, I'm happy to keep the sex separate in this case! He has joked in the past about leaving me to his brother in his will. I just wonder if, given how close they are and how you want people you love that much to be happy, and given we all almost live and work together and WORK together as it is, can we overcome any kind of possessiveness or jealousy?

It's a big risk though, every inch of our lives is at stake! So I'm treading very, very carefully. Obviously, assuming The Scientist gave his consent I still don't know if The Mechanic would even fancy me! So it's all a long way off, but at this point a fidelitous V is my goal.
 
From what I've read on other threads, you seem a little worried that people will think you're a freak for loving two brothers. You already seem aware of the issues that getting involved with your brother-in-law could cause, since your lives are already so intwined. So I'm not going to address that. I just thought you might want to know that at least one person on the board doesn’t judge you or think you're wrong for thinking about expanding your love for your brother-in-law to include more.

This isn't a situation I would find myself in, not because I think it's wrong, but because I don't really like my husband's two brothers and would never want to be involved with them more than superficially, because of the people they are. One of his brothers is married and when we told him that we were poly (we were monogamous for 17 years before opening up), he said "oh, yeah, I've done that. I've had girlfriends, but mostly just to punish my wife when she wasn't doing what I wanted her to." I think this brother is manipulative, childish, self centered, and at the very least, borderline abusive. His other brother has extremely low self-esteem, severe social anxiety, issues with personal hygiene, and tries to hard to be something he's not (he seems to think of himself as a white rapper/gangster, based on how he talks with my husband). All of us, including our young adult sons, wonder how my husband turned out so completely different than everyone else in his family (his parents are also quirky, to say the least). So it's definitely a personality thing here, not a moral or ethical judgment. I also wouldn't get involved with either of my sisters' husbands, because I'm just not attracted to them, though I do like them better than my husband's brothers.

I hope, regardless of how the venture into poly goes, that you are able to maintain the close family you all have already created.
 
2muchlove, how do you envision talking to your husband about it? I would think you could bring up the topic of polyamory and begin a general discussion of it, saying that it appeals to you, without yet saying it's his brother you're interested in.

Or, next time husband says he will leave his brother to you in his Will, you could say, "How about giving him to me right now?" Heh.
 
2muchlove, how do you envision talking to your husband about it? I would think you could bring up the topic of polyamory and begin a general discussion of it, saying that it appeals to you, without yet saying it's his brother you're interested in.

Or, next time husband says he will leave his brother to you in his Will, you could say, "How about giving him to me right now?" Heh.

One option is to wait til Mechanic's birthday in autumn and when we are discussing a present, jokingly offer myself ;)

I am treading carefully with using poly as a talking point as some kind of preparation; we've discussed it in the past and I know he has no fundamental disagreement with it and we've watched a couple of documentaries with very little being said. I'm worried that, because he's a clever guy, if I go heavy on the 'let's talk about poly again!' he will work out that I'm manipulating him, kind of doing a PR campaign :D and I don't think he'd like that.

What I need to do is find the right words that let my husband know that none of this affects my feelings for him in any way, that this isn't some kind of lack in him, he's my soulmate, end of story. And that I hope what I'm about to say won't ruin that...
 
:eek: Today The Scientist said it would be really handy for me to have a 2nd husband, one who was good at DIY. We then listed all the other reasons it'd be a great idea. It was a joke, but I was quick to signal I was fine with the joke!

I feel like this might be the perfect opportunity to broach the subject tonight while it's fresh - The Mechanic is good at DIY :D

"Hey wouldn't it be simple and easy if The Mechanic was my 2nd husband; he's good at DIY" Then if he turns green I can laugh it off :eek:
 
I *nearly* chickened out, but just as we were going off to sleep I bit the bullet :D

"Hey."
"Mm?"
"I thought of the perfect 2nd husband!"
"Go on..."
"The Mechanic! (he bursts out laughing) ...He's good at DIY!"
"Haha yeah."
"Just think of the leverage I'd have aswell with a judicious blowjob ;) "
"LOL, well, I'm glad you've been thinking on it!"

Then he fell asleep.

That wasn't too bad.
 
He seems to have done, he's brought it up a couple of times today, again joking. No specific references to the Mechanic but I'm obviously not going to push that too hard for now. I might try to take a more serious turn and ask if he really would be open to the idea of a 'second husband'....
 
Yes 2nd wife came up aswell, at one point he referred to me as 'the current wife' and I said 'hey! I don't mind a second wife but I thought I was staying, I didn't know you meant second wife as in, replacing me!' So he should be pretty clear on my thoughts! ;)

That said, I'm nervous of the concept of a 2nd wife, I know it has to be fair, but another woman would be an unknown quantity: the Mechanic is already part of our happy band of three! But, I'm open minded.
 
I keep chickening out of asking him outright about it. This morning I did it again (in the quiet pre toddler waking moments...), but then as we got up and I made coffee we got talking and somehow the conversation got on to me making the deal that if they got our building work done I'd do a pole dance for hubby and his reply was that he'd better tell The Mechanic, it might 'gee him up a bit' :eek:

I'm beginning to think we're on the same page after all....not sure how that's possible, but there ya go. Could be wrong :D
 
Not much activity here, i decided to cool it and we've all been distracted recently. One new development is that im pretty sure my husband has a crush on a girl he chats to on facebook. He doesnt give a lot of people the time of day and iv known they have swapped a lot of messages over the last few months, though i havent read them. myself and the girl recently friended each other and we're weirdly similar. We look alike, have the same vibrant manner and humour and share a unique hobby! I honestly feel zen about it - zero jealousy. Theres no evidence of 'cheating' and i fully trust him, but i just KNOW there's something there for him...a wife knows! I'm not sure how to broach the subject without him freakibg out thinking im accusing him of stuff....i like the girl though, happy to share :D
 
Think i passed on poly genes...my daughter told me this morning that she wanted to marry a girl, which i said was fine, then she said LOTS of girls and got a bit cross when i said the rules said you could only marry one. But i did say that maybe the rules would be different when she grew up. Husband was unphased and pointed out that when he was 4 gay marriage wasnt allowed. We've talked quite a lot about poly recently, inspired by the outrageous roasting someone got on another forum for it, and he has passionately defended the idea. He's still chatting to his online friend, i referred to her as his girlfriend the other day and he squeaked an 'oh' in a very guilty manner! But, i didnt freak out so he can relax :D
 
I finally plucked up the courage to bring up the idea to my husband last night. I can't really give you the whole context but I managed to ask in such a way that it was pretty casual and gave me a slight 'it was a joke really' get out option. He didn't freak out and divorce me on the spot, but the answer was a clear and firm no which I had to casually accept.

Truth is, I'm a little indignant. This enrages the sleeping feminist polyactivist in me. I'm not angry at my husband - he's a mono guy,a product of society's mono propaganda, and although he's live and let live with other people's relationships, he has me on a pedestal and 'sharing' has just never occurred to him - that's not the way it works.

But this whole thing of asking permission who to love and restricting myself to just one person has left a bad taste in my mouth. It's left me questioning whether marriage was a good idea tbh. Nothing personal, just the institution itself, I was always iffy on the idea as a whole :confused:

So, today I'm in a thoughtful, and bad, mood.
 
I'm in a better mood. Still not a fan of society's rules, but, a better mood.... lol

Hubby made a joke about what i'd said yesterday and I think I probably went toooo jokey and he didn't get the seriousness. He also used the exact same tone and expression as when I've asked for other stuff in the bedroom and he's initially refusing, but he's gone on to change his mind and actually LOVE those things later! (don't wanna get too TMI so will spare you the details ;)
 
Well, most couples who "open up" their relationship do need to discuss it over time. It's never like one person says, "I want us to be polyamorous now, let's get us some lovers," and then the other person says, "Yippee, let's go!"

The smart way to do it is slowly and thoughtfully. We've seen so many disastrous results posted here through the years when a couple opened up too soon, before they really addressed all their concerns and insecurities. It could take a year of seriously discussing it. Or longer. It's also a good idea to periodically step away from the topic, otherwise it could seem like badgering. Although I know that, when you really want something, it is hard to wait.

I think your way of joking about it seems good for the initial introduction of the topic. Give it time, let things sink in, and gently bring it up again sometime, but maybe less jokey. You may have already planted a seed, it sounds like. At some point, you could ask him to read an article or a book, saying that you are fascinated by the ways people make alternate types of relationships work for them. Go slowly, little by little.
 
Last edited:
Thanks, yes I had made my mind up to stay quiet for a while now on the subject! I'm going to read sex at dawn, he might be interested in that since he's interested in evolution and human behaviour etc (The Scientist ;) )

Today he was joking again, in the presence of The Mechanic, who was shirtless, about me also having to take my top off to join in their activities! :eek: :D So it doesn't seem like the topic of me + mechanic is taboo, even after what I said? I feel like most men would clam up and be a bit grumpy and jealous around 'the other man' after a comment like that from their wife? Not encouraging them to take their top off in front of the both of them.....
 
Yeah I know! I lifted my top a little but I really should've gone further lol

"most couples who "open up" their relationship do need to discuss it over time. It's never like one person says, "I want us to be polyamorous now, let's get us some lovers," and then the other person says, "Yippee, let's go!" "

The more I think about this the true-er it gets - I don't knwo what I was expecting the other day tbh :rolleyes: :eek:
 
Back
Top