Im new - my gf wants open relationship, i need help

Re (from corey, Post #15):


So, by that, does she mean that you're her only romantic relationship; that all her other relationships are platonic? If that's true, then I guess it's not so bad if she doesn't tell these friends about you ... a little disconcerting perhaps, but not *as* bad.

Re (from corey, Post #15):


Well, a little awkwardness seems (to me) a reasonable price to pay for being honest ...

But now the big questions:

  • What, if anything, is she willing to compromise on?
  • If she's not willing to compromise at all, can you live with that?
I get the impression she's presenting you with a "take it or leave it" situation. She's willing to explain why she does what she does (and maybe that makes it easier for you to live with it), but she's not willing to actually budge in her course or heading.

I guess my advice is, get 100% confirmation on what she is or isn't willing to budge on, hear her out on her explanations, and then ask yourself if you can live with what she's presenting to you. If you can't, you may have some tough decisions to make.

One thing that would concern me is if she wasn't willing to communicate with you about these things. These things call for communication. Even if she feels put out by communicating, I'd hope she'd grit her teeth and give it a chance. Like you said (in Post #7), you need her to be patient with repetitiveness as you have "re-hashes" of the same topics.

It concerns me that she's not okay with you getting any outside input about your situation (such as here on Polyamory.com). When someone doesn't want their partner to "talk to anyone else about it," it's often because that someone wants to control all the information.

You're not wrong to seek outside counsel. You can come to your own conclusions about which of that outside counsel you want to adopt into practice.

Again appreciate you guys talking this out for me. To follow up on your responses I must say that I do somewhat understand that if she is physically attracted to someone (she is very particular) that it would be difficult to go to the guy and just tell him she is in a relationship - I know that would make me feel uncomfortable. I did ask if I could meet him (i.e. he doesn't even have to know I am her boyfriend I said she could just casually introduce me as her friend one day if they were in the hall). Didn't get a yes on that quite yet, but didn't get a firm no either.

She has high expectations for me. She consistently tries to tell me how to be a better person (and I know that this may sound odd) but she often gives me advice on how to carry myself or how to act in certain occasions (to my benefit, not for her to control me). So this is that part that confuses me. Why would she care about how I hold myself around people or try to teach me to be a better person unless she did care. At the same time though I just dont see her "loving" side the way I expect.

Some background about her personality might be necessary I guess. She is very strong personality. She seriously sometimes makes me think of her as "one of the guys". Watching Enrique Iglesias Tonight (Im f**ign you) video the other night - while I am of course checking out the girl and she says to me "I see myself as being in that role, where I see a particular looking guy and i just like it"

Also, I recently read 20 romantic daily things you can do for your girlfriend (ie randomly hold her hand, spend more time with her...) etc She is the complete opposite and I was laughing thinking she would kick my ass if I ever did anything like that.

Me on the other hand I tend to play the reverse role and take on the "nice guy" personality trait. This is where she is consistently telling me that I don't need to ask "random strangers" on the internet for advice, that I need to be a man and make my own decisions. She does often times point out to me that she likes a man that is not "softy" so I think we do have that personality difference. Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...


Regards
 
If by "platonic" you mean friends that she has sex with then yes. i don't use that definition :)

So she might not get laid quite as often.... boo hoo. (sorry I'm feeling very little sympathy for her right now)

Well she says there is no emotions involved but yeah I can agree with that. As previously mentioned if neither of them are looking to have a more than friends with benefits relationship then it should not be a problem for her to tell them. If he is not looking for a relationship either than he should not care
 
Re: platonic ... yeah, friends with benefits I guess, not sure what she's driving at there.

I admit I'm feeling a little suspicious about this lady. Seems like she's rationalizing a bit, doesn't it?

I know that when you say something like this it probably means you shouldn't be in the relationship. However, I wish there was a way for her to prove to me she is genuine about her relationship with me (and doesnt hurt to make sure its nothing more then her getting her rocks off with some hot guy, I guess if I was more confident and litte more attractive I might not think this was a bad idea myself and go do the same).
 
Corey,

I need to preface this reply, having written it - there are some harsh words in here which might shock you. They are intended to. Rather than putting up defenses, though, I would like you to seriously think about what I (and others) are saying here and to see if they fit your situation. It may not be as extreme as this - I am putting this out there as a prod to your thought process, rather than passing judgement, ok?

I must say that I do somewhat understand that if she is physically attracted to someone (she is very particular) that it would be difficult to go to the guy and just tell him she is in a relationship - I know that would make me feel uncomfortable.
Not only that - it would be wrong. It's her story to tell. Maybe you can be there when she tells it, but she needs to say it. A lot of poly people insist on having a conversation (on the phone at least, if not in person) with a metamour - just to verify to the person that you are totally ok with it, and that lines of communication are present, if issues need to be resolved. Some don't do that, but I think that in your case, it would be something I would insist on.

I did ask if I could meet him (i.e. he doesn't even have to know I am her boyfriend I said she could just casually introduce me as her friend one day if they were in the hall). Didn't get a yes on that quite yet, but didn't get a firm no either.
No, that doesn't work for poly, sorry - poly is about OPENNESS and HONESTY - doing what you mentioned is neither. It is deceptive and dishonest.

If she wants polyamory, why is she so dead against this being open and honest? I think that this is a major question that needs to be resolved between the two of you - you may not like the answer, when it comes, but at least things will be out in the open.

She has high expectations for me. She consistently tries to tell me how to be a better person (and I know that this may sound odd) but she often gives me advice on how to carry myself or how to act in certain occasions (to my benefit, not for her to control me).
Oh dear, really? This is big warning flag for me, because it implies to me that she doesn't accept you for who you are, but is instead trying to mold you into what she wants "for your own good".

It is one thing to encourage the growth of your partner, it's another to "try to tell you how to be a better person".

So this is that part that confuses me. Why would she care about how I hold myself around people or try to teach me to be a better person unless she did care. At the same time though I just dont see her "loving" side the way I expect.
The harsh statement here (which may only be partially true) is that she doesn't really love YOU, but she loves the person she feels she can change you into. I have seen this in too many relationships before, and it rarely ends well.


Some background about her personality might be necessary I guess. She is very strong personality.[/QUOTER]Forgive me, but for me a "strong person" has an inner, calm strength. People want to learn from them because they look up to them. She is sounding like a domineering person - someone who wants to mold everyone around her to her ideals, someone who does whatever they want, and expects everybody else to be happy with it.

Me on the other hand I tend to play the reverse role and take on the "nice guy" personality trait.
aka "the doormat". :) She does whatever she likes in her life, decides what to tell you and what not to tell you, expects you to be happy with whatever she DOES choose to tell you, and is trying to change you into something that is more what she regards as "ideal".

This is where she is consistently telling me that I don't need to ask "random strangers" on the internet for advice, that I need to be a man and make my own decisions.
Well, you do need to make your own decisions, I agree - but there's nothing wrong with doing some research to improve your knowledge, is there?

This is a standard tactic by a controlling personality - restrict the amount of information that that controlled person can get in order to make their version of reality the only possible one.

The folks here aren't "random strangers" - they are people who have many years of experience with poly relationships, both good and bad, and post in order to try to help folks through their own issues.

She is more than welcome to create an account on here and talk about her side of things - and you might want to let her know that. My guess is that she won't do that, but still - you're not hiding anything from her, are you? (Well, I hope you're not - this forum is open to Google and will appear in search results)

She does often times point out to me that she likes a man that is not "softy" so I think we do have that personality difference.
i.e. she's saying "you're not what I want and I'm going to try to change you into someone better". frankly, that's insulting to you.

Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...
A partner should be making you feel better about yourself, helping you to grow, accentuating the positive and all that. It sounds like she isn't doing that for you at all, in fact, she is just making you feel worse about yourself.

Corey, this is your decision to make, of course. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. If you want things to improve then you either need to change the relationship or get out of it. If you do not make changes, then nothing will improve.

Once again, sorry if this sounds harsh - I can't see your circumstances - I can only react to the way you are portraying them.
 
Hi corey,

CielDuMatin has made many good points here and I'd advise you to give them close consideration. It concerns me that your girlfriend is so controlling over *your* behavior, but unwilling to make concessions to your requests about *her* behavior. I would want/seek a big change in that kind of relationship dynamic, if I was in it, or I'd want just plain out, but I'm not you, and I have different likes/wants/needs.

The important question I think you have to ask here is, are *you* happy in this relationship, just the way it is? If not, do you think you can learn to be happy in it? If you can't, do you think there's a reasonably good chance the relationship can change so as to allow you to be happy in it?

It's all about figuring out what you want or need, and what you can or can't live with. As for interacting here with other Polyamory.com members, I agree with CielDuMatin, you aren't turning your decisionmaking process over to a bunch of random strangers. You're turning to a polyamory-specialized community to get info and insight. The actual decisions you make will still be your decisions, and you'll be the one making them. So I don't feel that this somehow makes you "less of a man," but I do feel this makes you a "smarter man." Gaining learning and perspective is surely a good thing.

I guess it would be a first step if she would at least introduce you (to her FWBs) as a friend, though CielDuMatin is right in saying that still wouldn't be the honest kind of introduction she ought to make. You can always give the situation some more time and see what improves, and what you feel will (or won't) continue to improve.

Whatever you decide, examine the situation closely, and consider what would be right for you. Your opinions do count, you know.

With regards,
Kevin T.
 
Corey,

I need to preface this reply, having written it - there are some harsh words in here which might shock you. They are intended to. Rather than putting up defenses, though, I would like you to seriously think about what I (and others) are saying here and to see if they fit your situation. It may not be as extreme as this - I am putting this out there as a prod to your thought process, rather than passing judgement, ok?

Not only that - it would be wrong. It's her story to tell. Maybe you can be there when she tells it, but she needs to say it. A lot of poly people insist on having a conversation (on the phone at least, if not in person) with a metamour - just to verify to the person that you are totally ok with it, and that lines of communication are present, if issues need to be resolved. Some don't do that, but I think that in your case, it would be something I would insist on.

No, that doesn't work for poly, sorry - poly is about OPENNESS and HONESTY - doing what you mentioned is neither. It is deceptive and dishonest.

If she wants polyamory, why is she so dead against this being open and honest? I think that this is a major question that needs to be resolved between the two of you - you may not like the answer, when it comes, but at least things will be out in the open.

Oh dear, really? This is big warning flag for me, because it implies to me that she doesn't accept you for who you are, but is instead trying to mold you into what she wants "for your own good".

It is one thing to encourage the growth of your partner, it's another to "try to tell you how to be a better person".

The harsh statement here (which may only be partially true) is that she doesn't really love YOU, but she loves the person she feels she can change you into. I have seen this in too many relationships before, and it rarely ends well.


Some background about her personality might be necessary I guess. She is very strong personality.[/QUOTER]Forgive me, but for me a "strong person" has an inner, calm strength. People want to learn from them because they look up to them. She is sounding like a domineering person - someone who wants to mold everyone around her to her ideals, someone who does whatever they want, and expects everybody else to be happy with it.

aka "the doormat". :) She does whatever she likes in her life, decides what to tell you and what not to tell you, expects you to be happy with whatever she DOES choose to tell you, and is trying to change you into something that is more what she regards as "ideal".

Well, you do need to make your own decisions, I agree - but there's nothing wrong with doing some research to improve your knowledge, is there?

This is a standard tactic by a controlling personality - restrict the amount of information that that controlled person can get in order to make their version of reality the only possible one.

The folks here aren't "random strangers" - they are people who have many years of experience with poly relationships, both good and bad, and post in order to try to help folks through their own issues.

She is more than welcome to create an account on here and talk about her side of things - and you might want to let her know that. My guess is that she won't do that, but still - you're not hiding anything from her, are you? (Well, I hope you're not - this forum is open to Google and will appear in search results)

i.e. she's saying "you're not what I want and I'm going to try to change you into someone better". frankly, that's insulting to you.

A partner should be making you feel better about yourself, helping you to grow, accentuating the positive and all that. It sounds like she isn't doing that for you at all, in fact, she is just making you feel worse about yourself.

Corey, this is your decision to make, of course. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. If you want things to improve then you either need to change the relationship or get out of it. If you do not make changes, then nothing will improve.

Once again, sorry if this sounds harsh - I can't see your circumstances - I can only react to the way you are portraying them.

I read this article last night before posting about being a "nice guy" and it sums me up to a T. http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_500/542b_nice-guys.html

It is my personality and "nice guys" do act like door mats rather than man. She is trying to teach me not to be a door mat, I should clarify that when I say she tries to change my behavior. Honestly, I don't want to be a door mat and always have been and I feel like she is changing me for the better. After reading that article and some others on AskMen site I am not happy with WHO I am and I know that even though she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, someone HAS to tell you when your acting like a "door mat". I grew up without a father, just single parent (mother) and so I don't feel like I got taught how to be a man and I need to learn to grow on my own, I know she doesnt want to have to "tell" me how to act. She has only mentioned that its like teaching at school, you can only teach the foundations - its up to you to learn to be who you are and have your own identity. Its one thing I always lacked. So I understand your perception, there is always two sides to the story, although while I feel like she is trying to say I am not "good enough" she is trying to help me be "better" without holding my hand like im a little kid.

The guy she was talking to before we will call him "D" she has mentioned things about him on her own a few times without me having to say anything. I think she is opening up a little bit and I feel like I am getting more used to the idea of our situation.

I think the difference here is that (as many people on this site have mentioned) our relationship is a bit unique and not quite poly - so I get some answers that respond in the sense of poly rather than what it is, but at the same time - I think some of those responses are still appropriate to the situation. So its good to keep in mind that she is ok with me hanging out with other girls but she said she doesnt want to know them or need me to talk about them. At the same time I feel a little more comfortable with the poly mentality of making it requirement to at least talk to the person and let them know I am okay with it. Like people have said, that would also make her to be dishonest with "D" as well.

You are both right, I need to decide if I am happy for myself (rather than, oh I dont want to be alone crap), if I am not happy if I can stand up for myself to make the relationship work and/or she will change.

Right now I feel like I am somewhere between "content" and "happy" and I think if there are certain things in place that I can be happy. At this point though I just need to wait and see how things work out. If they don't work out, I have accepted that - as sad as it would make me I have to realize that I cannot force something to be there that doesn't exist.

I know if I give her a little more time I will be able to make a solid concrete decision based on where we go from here.

As always appreciate the advice and any new comments on anything I said.
 
Your initial post certainly gave the impression that you were FAR from content with things. What I suspect is that the advice has made you very uncomfortable because it has gone a long way beyond the immediate situation and has started to delve into some of the underlying stuff.

If you want to take control of your own growth, here's what I would do. Identify some very specific things that you feel you could use some help with, based on your own self-assessment and ask her to help you with those by being a mirror. Because the way you have portrayed her "help" isn't very constructive - it sounds like she is just picking at you and finding fault, and then explaining it away as only wanting to help you improve.

Most people say that I am a "nice guy" - I don't finish last, and I'm not a doormat to anyone. Getting relationship advice from AskMen is like women getting relationship advice from Cosmopolitan. A good man knows when to ask for help and a good woman knows what help to give (not my quote, but from the person sitting next to me). She recommends http://goodmenproject.com/category/sex-relationships/ as a far more interesting and balanced site which has some great articles. Maybe take a look around there? Try doing a search for "nice guy" and I think you will find something of interest there.
 
Re (from corey, Post #26):
"Right now I feel like I am somewhere between 'content' and 'happy' ..."

If that's the case, then you're fine to stay in the relationship for the time being. Keep "checking up on yourself" and if you find you feelings change to depressed, desperate, or what have you, then it's time to make some hard choices.

Make sure you're being honest with yourself, and with her. I personally don't see anything wrong with being a "nice guy;" I think you can be a nice guy without being a doormat. Just try to balance things out in your own life.

D should be told the truth eventually; he doesn't need to know everything about you, but he does need to know that you're there and that you're more than just a friend.
 
Re (from corey, Post #26):


If that's the case, then you're fine to stay in the relationship for the time being. Keep "checking up on yourself" and if you find you feelings change to depressed, desperate, or what have you, then it's time to make some hard choices.

Make sure you're being honest with yourself, and with her. I personally don't see anything wrong with being a "nice guy;" I think you can be a nice guy without being a doormat. Just try to balance things out in your own life.

D should be told the truth eventually; he doesn't need to know everything about you, but he does need to know that you're there and that you're more than just a friend.

I recently had posted a thread on AskMen.com and one person pointed me to a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" and have since read half the book (I dont even read my text books for University, so it says a lot) and it really is not a good thing to have the "Nice Guy" syndrome, as others mentioned it puts you in a position of being a door mat.

Suggest a read/peek at the book:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CFcQFjAA&url=https%3A%2F%2F7chan.org%2Flit%2Fsrc%2FRobert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf&ei=GofjT93VO6rS2AXkpKCaCA&usg=AFQjCNEit95ggBT8wzzbFQJjd7V2HMGvGw&sig2=accw15bs119dBW3-aZLk-w
 
Yes corey, but the problem is that these type of articles, essentially, tell you be be a asshole and they'll come running. It's male fantasy fodder, and it plain doesn't work. There is a vast gulf between being a doormat and being a "bad boy". It's quite possible to be a good, solid, reliable person, and STILL be attractive to others.

But if you would prefer to use AskMen as your source of information about good relationships, rather than some of the things that we have suggested, please feel free!
 
I recently had posted a thread on AskMen.com and one person pointed me to a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" and have since read half the book (I dont even read my text books for University, so it says a lot) and it really is not a good thing to have the "Nice Guy" syndrome, as others mentioned it puts you in a position of being a door mat.

I looked at/through the book. Sounds like something you do need to hear, and the exercises are great. Stick to the book, though. AskMen.com appears to narrow its definition of "man" unnecessarily.
 
I am the one she loves and wants to be with, live with and we can both see other people (not like a regular relationship) she describes it as friends that hang out with and have casual sex. At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.

Honestly? I feel sorry for you. I also wish you'd just man up, dude. This is YOUR life too, YOUR relationship too. And it is YOUR flat you are paying for. :(

That "nice guy" thing is lame. Don't be that.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/niceguys/niceguys.shtml

1) She's using you for rent. Basically you pay her half the roomie bills for a lil' sex now and then? What's that all about? If you are cool with that, fine. But you do not sound cool with that.

2) If she is going into polycurious world, and you guys are young students and not totally ready to be "out" to your parents and stuff, I get that. It takes time to get confident with the 'rents. But this isn't about the parents is it?

3) I think your eyes are clouded by her being your lover, perhaps first lover, perhaps first GF type person. But this is not a good GF to have. I don't buy that she's Ms Independent and oh, so special.

I was one once. Ms Independent. I told ALL my dating partners in college I was not looking for exclusive. I had one lover. Named. And if any wanted to meet him they could (and did -- in person, by email, had phone if they wanted). They could all access him and verify that YES, I was being honest, I was not a cheater or hiding anything.

I expected condoms on at all times both with us and with whoever might be loverly. I was also taking BCP. I also screened for STDs and expect this periodically.

For my lover, I expected full information if any of his other dating was looking to GET "loverly" before it actually did.

I expected to be informed by Lover when this was brewing, so I could make a health decision for ME -- do I want to overlap here in lover land, or is this where I check out now? And free him to pursue lover land over there with that partner? I felt this was a reasonable request and not a crazy thing. To want health information to protect MY sexual health.

None of my people had a problem with it but one, and he was just mad that Lover was my Lover and he was not getting to be my lover yet! Well, I dated him, and I didn't feel the magic yet. And? I'm not a candy bar everyone instantly gets a bite from! Sheesh! That is not what poly is! I broke up with him.

There was a plan for unwanted pregnancy, STD, and whatever else discussed with Lover.

So this business of hers skulking about? She's not being honest with you or D. Telling you to man up and trying to change you over into something you are not? Why doesn't she man up then, and step it up on the truth and honesty meter? Get it ALL out in the open to ALL?

Because abusers and users do their dirty work in the dark. That is why. Love doesn't skulk in dark corners and treat people so cavalier and disrespectful.

And no, this is not poly -- poly is open, honest with all partners aware and consenting. You and D. should have long ago had the talk and gotten on the same page because you are each others metamours then.

You are not sounding consenting and confident. You are not sounding loved and respected and honored.

You are sound used. That is not "unique" by any stretch.

Again...

At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.

Run for the hills! :eek:

This chick is fine lying to you all, so god knows if she's having safe sex or cootifying you all going bareback. AND if she gets preggo somewhere... then what? That your bill too?

That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" That doesn't sound like she's honoring you as her BF.

Or it is the other way? That she doesn't want to broadcast to her "real dating partners" that you are more than her "roomie?" Because you are her landlord and she pays you in sex. Doesn't paint her very flatteringly then either does it?

Hell, I tell her sometimes I do feel less of a man when she is constantly critiquing everything about me (what I wear, how I sit) - I dont know if that is what is driving her away (me being somewhat "weak" personality) or what...

Nothing is driving her away, dude. She's just not that into you to begin with. She services you for free rent. You are a chore, not a person. If you lived in separate flats, would she still come around?

This is YOUR sex health and life at risk.

This is YOUR emotional health, mental health, body health, soul health, kiddo.

You deserve more than this, something better than this.

Take care of you, please. :(

GalaGirl
 
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The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.

She has been starting to talk to me more. Yesterday she freely spoke of "D" in casual conversation without me bringing it up. She also finally told me where she disapeared to til 3am - (skeptical of course) that she went out with friends "D" was there, swears on fathers grave they never had sex EVER while she has been in relationship with me. She said she went there to smoke weed and didn't think I would approve, says she had her phone/purse in car since she was getting high.

She does contribute what little she has to groceries and gas. Mostly because she can put it on credit card, but doesn't really have that much in the way of cash.

Right now I am reading the book "No More Mr Nice Guy" to help fix myself first so that I am prepared to handle the situation with the relationship. The book is targeted at my personality in specific and will help me decide what I want for me (including if I am hanging on to her so I am not alone vs because care about her and want to make it work) etc.
 
I think one good remedy that will help you to start feeling more confident in yourself, happy about your life, and not used is this: Put her things outside your apartment and change the locks. She can mooch off of one of her other suckers - er, I mean... lovers.
 
"No More Mr. Nice Guy" is a great book, and as you are discovering does not involve being either a jerk or a doormat. Read it, believe it. For others here who have read "act like an asshole" articles please understand that book has nothing in common with them.

Now for opinion:
You sir, are being had. She doesn't want a strong man, or she would be with him already and you aren't it. If you were, she wouldn't be "molding you" and certainly wouldn't be hiding you. You have to remember that she has chosen you. This does not mean she loves you, any more than trying to change you means she loves you. She wants a relationship she can dominate and that requires a "Mr. Nice Guy", and she also wants a man she can respect (she has made that clear) because she isn't happy with a man she can dominate. Which one are you?

Plus, the huge, huge thing I have not seen anyone here talk much about is the other party. It is easy in a Poly setting to forget that the other person is as deserving of respect and consideration as the two "primary" partners. Whoever it is she is seeing may develop strong feelings, and does not deserve to be hurt. Looking at her relationship with the other party, this woman is a lying, cheating user. Regardless of what she does or does not tell you, in her relationship with the other person she is lying to them, cheating on them (presuming they are like most folks and practice serial monogamy and believe she is also), and using them to fulfill whatever aspects of herself she wishes without in turn providing them the opportunity to actually know her.

If it isn't honest, it isn't right. Period. There are no circumstances where misleading one another over such fundamental things leads to better relationships.

JMO, YMMV. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but sometimes plain language is the most effective. I sincerely wish you both nothing but the best.
 
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I think one good remedy that will help you to start feeling more confident in yourself, happy about your life, and not used is this: Put her things outside your apartment and change the locks. She can mooch off of one of her other suckers - er, I mean... lovers.

This. Move on. You deserve better. It's out there. Shut it down and just move on.
 
Well, I hope your book helps you then. Mostly I think she's bad news. There's nothing here to "work out."

Choices in life are not always "win or win" or "win or lose." Some of them are "This choices stinks and this choice stinks. So... which one has the LEAST stink here?"

Alone vs the user roomie? Don't even call her GF -- GFs don't treat people this bad.

I'd go alone. She has no money but now she's out partying and smoking pot now at all hours of the night without letting you know, the BF? You are so not BF. Where's she feeding that habit from? And how? With sex? Stealing your stuff? Slapping it on credit?

You kinda have to get rid of her and be alone for a bit to be available for better.

To get to a partner who is HEALTHIER for you, and will bring you happiness to share rather than angst craziness.

It is not like healthy partner is going to DUEL her for you.
GL!

GalaGirl
 
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