A mono man and his Jealousy. Therapy options, thoughts.

So, I'm not perfect (ly sane) today, but I choose to act as if I am. I choose to sing, to play music, to jump around, to pay attention to me, my pets, and friends. I also choose to remain fearless and thorough on the issues of self worth and obsession. I'm worth it.

Thoughts: I will always feel uneasy unless M says we are an item again. I do not like this uneasiness and M can fix it.

Errors: Jumping to conclusions. Extreme thinking. Globalising. Emotional blocking.

Analysis: Always feel uneasy? Not so, I get pangs, but the misery is mostly gone. When I was with M, when we were an official item, I was still uneasy, scared of my past, and fearful about our future. M cannot fix this - it is in my head, her company puts my issues on the backburner sometimes, but it does not help me to help myself. This is my issue, it is about me, not M. It is true I do not like this uneasiness, but it is much better than the sheer torture and misery I was experiencing only a fortnight ago. I am experiencing growing pains - which are positive despite feeling uncomfortable. We are not an item, yet I still have a lover and friend. I actually have the best of both worlds, freedom to live my own life, and a wonderful friend. The future will take care of itself all I have to do is take care of today.

The other day M brough cheeses, crackers, sundried tomatoes, olives, smoked fish, pizza, grape juice and more for me. We had a wonderful time made all the better by the fact I had been looking after myself and felt better about myself. Our friendship will easily stand the test of time, but she may not be the primary partner I seek all the same. There is no way I can predict the outcome of this. I can only work on being a better man who is happy in his own skin. inner peace is VERY attractive, there is no shortage of women in my life when I am stable.

In study group this week one young (26 hehe) woman turned up dressed in lacy and sexy gear and it was not for the benefit of anyone else she beelined to my side and stayed there, she brought me chocolate, we talked about love, and how she was worried about falling in love here as she was returning to Germany shortly. She has invited me out several times. DOH! I could have had a secondary lover but I was too busy being obsessed over the ownership model my parents practised (and fucked up completely). Another young lady of dutch descent turned up and everytime I spoke she laughed I could do nothing wrong her attraction is very high.

Life is as rich and full as I choose to see it and make it. A world of opportunity exists. I will not play the field unless i meet someone i really like, and even then I'd discuss it with M first, as she has first dibs :D

There is no urgency, there is no desert wasteland awaiting me should things not work out with M. i am more concerned with helping her as a friend to accept and love herself, than I am in 'winning her devotion'. I am a far better man than I have been giving myself credit for, it's time to keep the affirmations and actions in place, to continue to learn to love myself.

Fuck the ego, fuck being a victim, I am not.
 
Where's the "like" button?
 
Heard and processed some good stuff today. TOUGH afternoon, head full o dread :confused: had a glass of red wine and did a bit more study, being a bit slack but choosing not to beat myself for it. Better tonight. I did a fair bit of TEA in a notebook I got here for it. It's getting full :D

I did TEA on what if there is no hope for us and M leaves overseas to work and is gone, what are my fears about this scenario, and then after the TEA I wrote out plans of how I would cope with these scenarios. Then plans for how to achieve things I want for myself. It really helped. Facing the fears like this is painful but it loses it's sting as you tease it apart.

Self esteem really does hinge on self care, but happiness, that longing for peace of mind I get when my mind is troubled so often, I thought there must be a way to happiness (via esteem, which will help) but apparently this is back to front.

There is not a way to happiness, happiness is the way. I need to bring happiness to all that I do. (Wayne Dyer paraphrasing someone else) So I practised this... I cooked on my stove and realised - I'm happy for it, the electricity, the water, the food, a lot of which came from my garden. I am happy for my cup of tea, this comfortable chair, the internet. It snapped me from my uncertainty/torment/obsession and grounded me in this house I am happy for, in this country I am happy for, and all these people I am happy with.

Still mercurial then, this healing process. I've learned so much, I am happy about that too.

Bringing happiness to all that I do. This is a wonderful message.

There is not a way to happiness
Happiness is the way
Bring happiness to all that you do.

This rings so true for me. My outcome dependance is like an addiction, I know it only feeds the beast and yet I seek surety where only time knows the answers. I let obsession blind my eyes to the value of everything (especially M) and I take things for granted to fit my percieved notion of how things should be - like I'm entitled, instead of blessed.

I am so blessed. I am happy for the things in my life. For the opportunity to grow. For all the small things big and inbetween. I am happy to know it is possible to be happy.

I have to let go of others to find their own way, and trust myself to find mine. Where we share our time, I am happy for this too, but it should never make a pallor fall over the rest of life, over being in my company.

I must learn to be scintillating :rolleyes: I am happy for being me.
 
thanks for the encouragement Q & K.
And Q - good news on your progress and the possibilities that abound :)
Sorry to vent last night. I had walked out of the hotel after a flashpoint.
The previous 2 nights we had re-connected in such a good way, the sex was unbelievable, and I genuinely felt like we had something again, something that could lead us to a reconciliation. Especially as we've discussed and booked couples therapy sessions for next week.
We were at dinner last night, and I brought up the subject of the other guy she's been seeing. I told her that, to give us the best chance of getting through our issues, I wouldn't be comfortable her being intimate with this other guy at the moment. She told me she doesn't always get intimate with him, but also indicated that sometimes she can't control herself when she's with him.
My blood began to boil, and although we were in a packed restaurant, my questions became sharp, direct and made her feel uncomfortable. In other words I lost control. She walked out of the restaurant, we had an argument back at the hotel and I walked out (my last post on this thread from last night was from the train station) she called and persuaded me to come back. We spent the night together, no sex (I had had a cigarette and in any case neither of us felt amorous due to the tense situation). She's gone to work today and I will meet her at 5pm. We've exchanged texts, both of us saying we are tired of the situation and maybe it's not worth it. We will talk tonight about this, and hopefully I can maintain control of myself, my jealousy. Her view is - she thinks I'm more concerned with stopping her seeing him than I am about repairing our relationship. For me, this reparation is hindered by her continuation of her intimacy with him. It makes me feel unhappy, and brings these horrible emotions out. It feels as though she is not compromising at all, in order to give us the best chance of reconciling. I said in my text earlier, that I believe we should be concentrating on us at the moment, that we are in such a fragile situation, we have to try to give ourselves the best chance - try to get the fulfillment we both need from each other first. And if in time we are unable to do this, then we will have to look at ways of getting this - whether open relationship or other. I feel like she is forcing me into a poly situation, that my feelings are not being taken into account. I know she is hurting as well, especially when my reaction becomes bad, like last night. Sorry again to vent, and thanks again for continuous moral support.
 
I have been in a situation where I have asked my partner to "delay" or "take a break" from what is going on with others for a time. When I asked it, I believe his concern was that I would want to hold things there indefinitely and try for us to have a "traditional" relationship when that is not what I want. I just needed to catch my breath - and to feel important enough to get his full attention as well.

I handled it by saying pretty much what I said above, "DD, I'm afraid that you'll think that this is me trying to manipulate and control you - I just need a breather while we figure this out and I feel more confident about what your intentions are. Can we do this for (time) and then talk about it again - I mean we can revisit it daily if you want but I want to know that you're on board with me."
 
Thanks for this. The problem with me at the moment is that she ended 'us' 3 weeks ago, despite since saying repeatedly that she sees me as her life partner and just needs space at the moment. So I feel I have no right to ask her to refrain from being intimate with him now, and no doubt she thinks I have no right either, hence our arguements on this issue.
I don't feel it is too much to ask - if she genuinely sees me as the one for her. However she sees this as me trying to control her, and at the moment any hint of this and she moves the other way. Really don't know how to tackle this one for the best. I want a healthy happy relationship, but right now it seems like a pipe dream.
 
I can share with you one of my experiences that seem similar to yours. But, mine was recent and it really only involved a short time frame ... so it isn't quite the same thing as what you are going through.

I'm going to give you a really high level of what we did:

I did my best to make sure that he understood my discomfort and concern but also made it clear that I understood his desire to move forward. I took care of myself and kept myself busy and happy and left him to his world.

1 - He came back to me and told me how much he loves me and that now he understood what my concern was and changed his behavior based on that.

2 - I learned that I may not be comfortable with everything. Neither is he but he seems to manage it better than I do and not let the fear drive his emotions and actions. But we're working through things to provide each of us with the love and lives that we want. we call is "managing conflict" rather than "resolving conflict".

3 - We're still defining our boundaries and our relationship as it is today: Long distance, D/s, open. We're clumsy at it because it's new. we're forgiving ourselves and each other a lot and we're learning to dig deeper when we discuss things to find what is REALLy going on and driving the discomfort or fear and addressing that rather than the fall out.

Some days it can feel so overwhealming and I hear your tangle of emotions. Unfortunately, the hardest thing to do at times like this is to distance yourself from the discomfort and what is going on but - it may be the best thing. Saying that - I do not mean distance yourself from your relationship as much as the part of it that tangles you in your fear.
 
Sorry - I've been failing at being concise:

I realized that I just had to let it be and allow DD what he wanted. Knowing that it would not always be that way for us. Or, that if it was, and I was the one always compromising, that as much as I love DD we may not be ready for the relationship that I want. It was scary, terrifying, to allow myself to be vulnerable enough to know that is may be the start of the end.

For us, it turned out it wasn't the start of the end but the start of a better understanding of our relationship and one another.

I wish you the best.
 
Morning can be very painful, by evening I'm pretty zen about everything.

I know now that every time the obsession arrives in my head it has very little to do with what M is doing, it is all about the fear of losing her.

Under this fear is the real deal, what I'm really afraid of, falling apart. It's perfectly understandable.

I had lost my company, I had lost my savings. I was lonely, lost, isolated, sad, broke, without transport, my flat a mess, my head worse. My life and I were falling apart.

M came along and motivated me to change. She drove me places, we pooled resources, I cleaned up my flat, my look, and I was so happy (NRE). The loneliness and sadness and despair were dispelled. The thought of losing M is associated with losing all the improvements in my life.

The real issue then, is my faith in myself, my faith in my ability to cope with life without M. And I'm fucken terrified of going back there to an unproductive sad mess, fuck that it hurts too much. I do not need to go all the way back to my youth, to jail and all that crap, I was imprisoned in my flat. Slowly but surely cutting ties with the world.

So, I've got this tiger by the tail. It's putting up a fight. Part of me wants nothing more than to be adored and fawned over by some mindless bimbo as I smoke dope and fuck around in life. But this will not bring me happiness, nothing external can bring me happiness, only my perception of my life can allow me contentment, acceptance, gratitude, love. And for me, with my gifts, I need to be using them, contributing to mankind with love and understanding, using my experiences to help my fellows to stand on their own feet.

My plan really is sound. To make sure I don't go backwards. to put into place a life - to handle my business as a man, whether I have M or not.

Again, as this is all part of it, the repitition. A plan.

Transport, work, comedy, social life, adress addictions, self care, self love, and the selfish pursuit of happiness.

It is fantastic to know happiness comes from within. it's right here, I am accessing this sometimes. It is so peaceful, so loving and calm compared to happiness from external sources, with the nerves in case I don't get what I want, the outcome dependancy.

I am having to face the reality, that M is leaving. I am saying she wont come back (possible, entirely possible) so I have to prepare myself to cope with this scenario without falling apart. Hell, even if she is coming back, at present I start falling apart when I've not seen her for a few days, the obsession starts, and all that horrid uncomfortable crap, the fear.

I barely feel the obsession today in comparison to how it was. But that yucky stuff underneath, it is hard to keep focusing on that, facing that possibility. When I obsess my mind jumps to the dark place of fears instead of the surface paranoia jealousy etc - worse off?

NO!

The warning my body/mind has been sending me is very real. I just got it all twisted up. M can't save me from the dark place, only I can do that. Self discipline, self care, self love. And practise, happiness is the way, bring happiness to all that I do. As I put things in place for myself, act out of love for myself, my self love will imporve, and the external dependancies will fade. There is nothing wrong with liking attention and love from others, it's when I NEED it that things go awry, external outcome dependance = setting myself up to be hurt.

I REALLY want to win M over, as a partner for life. I already have her as a friend for life, but my insecurity - it cries for surety.

I see the consellor today, she can listen to me process my fears, and help me plan. No more taking this crap to M. She saved me, she loved me through thick and thin. Nobody is perfect her journey today fascinates me, she makes me proud how strong and honest she is. She is a role model for self love and self acceptance.

It's time to love myself deeply. to keep moving in the right direction, away from the darkness and into the light.
 
That's great that you're seeing the counselor, she can probably help you a lot with your internal dialog, getting even more out of the TEA exercises, etc.

I think part of it is you just need more time to learn that you can trust yourself. Your self-trust level is a little low, as you are afraid of "falling apart" if M isn't there to help.

Keep talking things through; let your rational mind examine all that's going on with your "irrational mind," almost as if you were stepping outside of yourself and looking at yourself from an observer's point of view.

The small steps will add up (in spite of the steps backward).
 
Well, M is here to help at times, but she's fucked up about the whole thing herself. She fucked a couple she's known for some time in the weekend. I know way too many people in this town...

I found out approx 15 minutes ago, not through M. BUT, we are single, not a couple, and life has been tough on M dealing with me. She deserves a break, and old friends and sex sounds a nice way to relax yes. I'd have done it in these uncertain times. I do not judge here for her appetites and insecurities, we are here to heal my insecurities, and life...

Initially I felt rage, then plunging blackness, I wrote a long boring emo letter to M then deleted it. The problem with being privy to things you really shouldn't be, is holding it in. Fuck that, that's when I start getting all morally superior, judging M for being human, telling her off for doing things I'm perfectly capable of doing myself.

I am responsible for my happiness. And so I have some processing to do. It's the same fear as always - I lose her, thus I fall apart. That she doesn't love me. But she does, i jsut can't rely on that to get through life, i need to love myself, to forgive myself for the mess I made.

Thoughts: I have lost M permanently. She will be my friend and lover but there is so much water under the bridge things are irreperable.

Errors - there's a few, but it may be true too.

Analysis: I have not LOST M. I have lost some of her respect, and her trust. The only way to repair that is to be strong within myself and get my own act together so she sees the man who was supportive at first (despite being a mess in life), not the emo obsessive mentally ill worry I became. M is under huge stresses and so she went for a spa with old friends who she has fucked before and alcohol led to flirting led a a great night had by all. As i was not involved I feel put out but it was completely impromptu, and had I been there things would probably not have escalated and M would not have had a night she probably needed. I feel betrayed, but we are not an item right now. i feel plotted against, but it was not a planned thing it just happened. I feel left out.

Thoughts: M doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.

Errors: Conclusions, awfulising, globalising.

Analysis. I still turn her on, which is amazing considering it got to a point where i didn't only a fortnight ago. i am lucky she wants some at all, she is my friend not my girlfriend, i need to be grateful I still get laid. It could be worse, a lot worse with a horrible break up and bad feelings all round.

I really need to concentrate on my life. on maintaining the things i have and working actively towards building more for myself. I must get a car in place, and work, and a social life outside of M, before she goes overseas.

She hasn't actually done anything wrong as we are not a couple. It is me feeling wronged. It is me who thinks everything is about me. This is an enormous EGO which is there to compensate for low self esteem.

As there is no way to happiness (controlling M does not = happiness) but happiness is the way - I need to be happy for her. Even more so, I need to be happy for myself.

HAPPY FOR MYSELF!! AM I MAD!!?? A little... :p

I have an opportunity here to face the fear of being independant. I am a man unto his own means. I have the chance to make good with myself, to take care of business in the face of adversity. Here is my chance, to fold over and fall apart, or to walk tall, to love myself and my own company.

I feel scared yes, this is crunch time. I got an exam tomorrow, got to perform regardless. I still love M. nothing changes that, the obsession wants to come back, the obsession wants to avoid the fears, to fall apart and dwell on it and run over everything and beg and cajole some kind of agreemont out of M. My obsession wants to repeat past mistakes as it is not a very good thinker, its an emo child.

My fears. I will not handle it. i will fall apart. Today i might medicate a bit more weed than usual if i have to, just to focus. i am off to walk now, then push some weights, then eat.

This is the moment I have been waiting for. This is the scary shit right here right now really. I'm going to be ok. I'm going to take care of MY business. I'm going to find love and appreciation inthis day. This day is all I have to get through, and I will, and i will even enjoy some of it.
 
Sorry to hear it's been a rough ride of late. I'm sure you and M are both under pressure, so you will need to be understanding toward one another.

Remember what we often say in the poly community: Love is an infinite resource. Even though M was "with" someone else, that doesn't mean she loves you any less. You have to be able to have trust in M's love for you.

Trust appears to be a challenging issue for you all around: trust for yourself, and trust for M. Since trust is built up very gradually over a long amount of time, you'll need to have a lot of patience: for yourself, for M, and for the process.

It is great that you are going out there and doing proactive things to help yourself stay on track, and maintain a good perspective. The obsession seems to be a kind of tunnel vision, so "expanding your horizons" should help you to overcome that.

Thanks for your thoughts and updates, there's no telling how many people might benefit from your experience. Above all, I believe you are benefitting from it. I see signs of that.
 
Thanks Kevin

Been watching more Wayne Dyer. The man is a guru and I need the spiritual side of my life enhanced fast. I guess this is happening.

Me and M, so much water under the bridge now, by the time the last mess is cleared up she's made another and I'm the one picking up all the pieces. It has to change or stop as I get hurt every time, then she gets guilty and when she's like that she pushes me away making things even harder for me. I deserve a lot better. Yes i made some mistakes, but i deserve better. We have a wee break away coming up in a few weeks, i need one more talk, I'll give it one more shot, as I don't give up easily, but I'm pretty sure its over. M is trying to convince herself she doesn't need anyone. She's barely reachable. It pains me greatly to think of her in pain, she thinks she will cause me nothing but grief so should leave me, and now she's acting out as she thinks it's all broken. I'm thinking it's all broken. It's pretty fucked right now. Basically, I think I want to repair things more out of self preservation due to my fears, as rationally, I should get away as far as I can and heal.

Still pretty scared. Yesterday I did the best I could. I exercised, ate little but ate, spent time in 3 situations where I was able to study with company around. And today an exam.

I am OK. I have heard my warning, I must grow up and not repeat the same mistakes of my past. When the going gets tough I need to know, that dark place is of my own design, it is born of thought, and thought can keep me out of it as well.

I am OK. I am handsome. I am loving. I am loved. My life is surrounded by people who care for me. I am intelligent. i am funny.

I will have a lover who loves me as much as I her, who is not hurting me on a regular basis. I will never have to be an obsessive jealous man again I have learned these lessons. I can build a life with great love, a good job and income, a social life that involves many circles, a stage life with our funniest people, and fans, bless them, to network with. I will have a wee car to boot about in, people to visit, jobs to do. I will recreate the amazing social life I had a few years back.

Today is all I have to get though. It is my choice to suffer through or enjoy the day. I am OK.

Thoughts: I will be hurting for a long time. i will never get over this.

Errors: Conclusions, awfulising, globalising, ignoring positive.

It is only thoughts that drive feelings, and where the subconscious is involved it can be reprogrammed through visualisation right before sleep. I know I can change my thoughts and thus feelings, sometimes it is harder than others but the reality is I am not in a black hole, and I need never go there. I have processing to do and it is hard but I can do a little then get up and spend the rest of the day away from that stuff. I will get over this, the same as I got over J, J, K, T, N and others. All of them I thought was 'the one' yet this cannot be, 6 women, all the one. Oh polyamory! :D So, there were varying degrees of mess according to if my life was in any semblance of working order or not. Basically I have abandonment issues and they have nothing to do with M and everything to do with a past I choose to no longer be dictated to by. I have not been abandoned. in the past though, I have abandoned myself.

Nobody else can fix this for me. Faith in myself. Faith I am surrounded by people who care for and love me. faith I can continue to train my thinking and achieve happiness - the way.

I am apprehensive. I feel nervous to start in case anything hurts. Standing, doing anything, it is the precursor to becoming frozen. I am OK. This shit hurts, it will pass. I will wake up one day rejoicing in the fact i no longer have to live with constant fear anymore.
 
Q
Your emotions are laid out, and they are very similar to my own. You are not alone. Love is the best thing in the world, but also the worst when it goes wrong.
If I was a gambling man, I'd put money on us both getting through our issues and living good positive futures, as we are both rational, intelligent men, albeit with broken hearts right now.
The matter of whether we end up being the primary focus of our respective loves, is another matter entirely, and one which only time will tell. Undoubtedly that's what we both want. However we can only control our own emotions, feelings, desires. Those of J & M are beyond our control.
I've opted to remove myself from J's life altogether. Drastic maybe, but necessary for me, my well being, not to mention my sanity.
A life in limbo is no good for me. It's a situation I've become all too familiar with recently, but I can't continue like this.
I'm not shutting the door completely, yet. But I will need to see some love from her soon, before it's too late.
 
Well, sometimes it's helpful to take a break. I can see this in the "J situation" as well as the "M situation." There's always a chance of getting back together later on, but right now what matters is getting some stability and self-independence. I think you guys are both making the right moves for what needs to be done right now.

Re (from Questioning, Post #74):
"I know I can change my thoughts and thus feelings, sometimes it is harder than others but the reality is I am not in a black hole, and I need never go there."

Good analogy ... a black hole is something you can't (well, going by Einstein you can't) escape once you cross the event horizon. Time and space get turned around, and the singularity becomes a fixed event in your future. But you don't have to be bound by such stringent circumstances; even though you can end up in a pretty dark place, it's still not as bad as crossing an event horizon, and there's still a way out.
 
I got a very thought provoking e-mail, which corresponds to the Wayne Dyer stuff I've been listening to. The idea that pain is something to be moved away from, an indicator.

I couldn't agree more.

I think I have been 'unravelling an onion' as the cliche goes, peeling back the layers. TEA was to adress obsessive thoughts but they recurred. So I dug into the next layer, the fears under it, and this gave me some power over the obsession, as I knew it was an avoidance tactic so I didn't have to go to a 'dark place'. The dark place was a construct of thoughts, experience, worldview etc with an attached image and horrid feelings I was trying to avoid at all costs. It was actually just a warning system I was not heeding. I was taking it too easy, not taking care of my own business being too reliant on M. Taking care of my business as a man is a fundamentally different problem to polyamory, which I have a reasonable grip on now. And appetites, humans...

Taking care of my business brings me back to the pm I recieved. Pain as an indicator. The thing is, my head kept telling me everything was wrong with M in the obsession, I had to dig and find out what was being indicated. Maybe some people's heads work good and they figure this shit out easy, takes me a while :D

The lessons are many, these blessings in disguise.

- Don't take love for granted, period.

- take care of your own affairs.

- live in the day, and have the best day you can.

- anything is possible, all that we see that is not nature, is created through thought.

Fears are merely a warning system, the imagery attached is fictitious, made up, and analogous to the insane peeping of a smoke alarm - you just want to turn it off. To turn it off, find out where you are moving away from your true purpose, love... e.g. confronting M about the weekend scenario does not feel good, pretending nothing happened feels better, but! Fear (warning) it will leak out later. So, where is the compromise.

There is nothing wrong. I am returning to obsessive thinking as there is a job at hand to handle my business and thus my dependancy and esteem, to let the apron strings fall away and rejoice in the freedom to have my own life where anything is possible, including patching things up. Only time will tell how it ends but nothing ends in tragedy here unless I choose it to be that way, and I do not.

Anything is possible. As thought begins the processes that make things so I am now trying to move away from dwelling on problems and seeking only solutions within the realm of things I actually have some control over. This is actually fun when you get started. Me. Planning and chipping away towards a better me, for me, and whoever gets lucky in the future.

I feel love very deeply for M. This will be my guide as it feels right. Analysing this is the stuff of obsession. The universe knows, I must love unconditionally, and concentrate on loving my life regardless of who is in it. I can process pain, it's actually turning out good for me.

That's not saying I enjoy any of the pain for one second. I hate it. But I think a lot of unneccesary future pain has been nipped in the bud.

As the saying goes: Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.
 
I like your points about continuing to love M, that it feels right, and that you want to love unconditionally. Who knows whether you and M will find some middle ground you can both live with and renew your relationship. But even if such middle ground never turns up, you can still love M unconditionally as a person.

I think it's good that the two of you are friends right now, and learning (or re-learning) to get comfortable with the boundaries of friendship. To have a deeper relationship, you'd need to be comfortable with her "adventures," and she'd need to be willing to compromise within your boundaries of what you could live with. If that's all very painful at this time, then at least you can still care about each other and still be friends.

I think you're a very thorough person, who wants to understand a problem completely before setting it aside. It takes longer and perhaps entails some discomfort, but like you said it may help prevent more discomfort later on. So do continue seeking the answers, just don't forget to shift gears once in awhile; as they say, "A change is as good as a rest."
 
Wow. I've been spinning tonight. Feeling aggrieved for an hour all the way home I walked and stewed about M's impropriety. Then I got home and proceeded to try and 'fix it' by writing a long letter pouring my heart out, and what I know about her weekend - like a little bomb in the works - then all about how I don't care what she does - I do!

And this shit hurts, and hurt is an indicator it aint right. I'm off track. Some of the letter was reasonable prose, but it did not feel good, it is not right for me to confront M with this as she is not feeling safe about being open with me at present, and the I don't mind stuff is rubbish. I've been hassling her on facebook to come over, I got to just leave her alone.

Wasn't I planning to get a life?

The misery I put myself through in the last few hours was unneccesary, but why the obsession if I have already worked out I need to get a life? I think this time I was being warned to back off, let it go, the attachment is dragging me down. let her be free, and me, let me be free. And a gentle reminder about focus, I need to get a life, thoughts create reality, I need to be thinking about my life as I dream it will be, feeling and acting as if I am already there. Manifesting love and happiness in all that I do.

I will meet a woman who is absolutely beautiful and intelligent and fun and caring and open and wonderful to me. And I will fall head over heels in love. I will be mobile and running comedy touring with fascinating personalities and having brilliant nights regularly. I will be visiting native forests and selecting biocontrol agents. My work in stage and plant pathology will take me abroad to exciting places and my love will come with me for my income will be such that expense doesn't matter. (I'm starting to feel better now!). I will have a spell from study after my masters degree to work in the field, then hook up with a company to pay me through a doctorate. In my 60's I will become an incredible teacher, a Professor who is funny, dedicated, in love with his work. I will 'retire' as this mad professor, touring and university appointed. I will bring stage and media and passion together in such a manner I inspire the love of science (and comedy) in thousands of young minds. I may as well do a few documentaries while I'm at it!

These dreams are already in motion the wheels turn as I buff myself up with exercise, meet women regularly at university, and more with stage which begins in 3 days time! I won't be mobile for ~8 weeks that's ok. I will be in 8 weeks :D The degrees are shaping up nicely, the internet is filled with sage advice to learn to love myself and I am more than smart enough to check my sources. And i am learning fast! There are millions of people out there who simply love me for the fact that I am. how cool is that!

When I imagine myself in this place i work towards, as i dream, plan, work towards it, sometimes i am uncomfortable but when i focus and get it straight in my head, this is my reality, I am ok, I am loved and full of love. i love my life. i trust myself, things are great right now, this is it buddy, do your best and have the best time you can cos why the hell not.

Pain is inevitable, misery is optional.

When my thinking is focused off M and onto the other things i want, the pain simply vanishes. funny that. If i sit and wallow the pain comes along and gets HEAVY.

Let's be trying not to wallow then, aye. :D
 
Woke up head filled with poison. There are a few things I want to say to M that are better left unsaid but i feel very angry. here's what I need to express.

Fuck you for dumping me right on exams
Fuck you for lying to me all those times and treating me like an idiot
Fuck you for fobbing me off because you feel guilty
Fuck you for fucking an engaged couple cos you were all drunk and taking drugs and thought it was a good idea
Fuck you for being so selfish you risk other relationships to satisfy your cunt
Fuck you for stomping all over my heart
Fuck you for saying you don't love me and then turning up with food and sex only two days later
Fuck you for all the up-down hot-cold shit you put me through
Fuck you for kicking the crap out of my self esteem
Fuck you for all the hearts you've shit on, and continue to shit on
Fuck you for giving up on love cos it's hard work sometimes
Fuck you for being gutless

I honestly don't hate M. The mind generates all this in my sleep though. I wake up poisoned with grief and vile spite. There really is too much water under the bridge. indiscretion once or twice yes. This is repeated, premeditated a lot of the time, and nothing but lies comes of trying to adress it.

Last time polyamory came up she was in complete denial and said she's never slept round on this other guy (lie, told me already that she had), or me (another lie, again through her own admittance previously). She is full of shit at present, and I am getting fobbed off repeatedly I really need to move on, this is the thing that is keeping me stuck.

Thoughts: I will bottle all this hurt inside and it will destroy me. it is too hard to let go of M. I must hang on if there is a chance.

Errors: Many, conclusions, awfulising, global thinking, ignoring positive, bound to be more...

Analysis: I am not bottling it up, i am sharing it here so I don't need to cause any more damage, or hate myself, or sabotage. M is only human and all her stuff is her problem, it is only mine if I choose it to be. Yes this fucking hurts but I have been hurt all year by her behaviour, there has been very few happy times as she continues to ignore my boundaries, and continues to pretend there's nothing wrong. I can only save myself, I got to let go there is nothing to save there it is only the residue of feeling ripped off as I spent so much time and energy trying to fix it all. This stuff only has power over me if i think it is so. I do not want to wallow, i do not want to go backwards. i am frightened because it is very painful, this is all part of breaking up and it is perfectly normal to hurt. It is not a good option however to remain miserable all day I cannot feel bad enough to make anything better. I do not owe anybody any penance in any measure. Hanging onto M is breaking my heart repeatedly, letting go is the right thing to do for myself and her. Hanging on to here feels bad in my heart. There is nothing but hurt expectations to look forward to if i choose that route. She needs to make a paradigm shift and i am not the person to oversee that. Her life and her choices are her own, I wish she'd made better choices but she didn't. i wish i'd made better choices but i didn't. Staying in this misery, wishing, clinging on to a broken liferaft, it does me no good at all.

It hurts, it hurts like a motherfucker. I'm chain smoking again, I get exercise daily, i am eating but not much. Each day i go into uni and study with others. In a few days I will have a months time to myself. i hate this idea. i am frightened I'll just sit here and hurt. I have no money to do much else, and everyone else is working.

I need a plan. i've been smoking too much dope, and I am lonely. i think maybe i should go dope free for a while, do a bunch of meetings and explore my spiritual side. There are lunchtime meetings and evening meetings I do not have to be alone all day every day. I can walk to the meetings to get exercise, and there i meet people who care, who want me to get well, who have been through their own personal hells.

Going on holiday with M, I'll only try and win her back, then, a week later she'll fly off to be with Mark, and i will feel like shit again. This is not worth it. I do not accept this anymore I tried to meet her halfway, I asked for her to understand me and help me in those times but she did not.

I have to let go. It is not a loss so much as a regaining of my sanity, to not feel worried constantly, to not feel something is not right most of the time. to not be constantly trying to fix my thinking to accomodate a lifestyle I do not wish to be part of. I have compromised myself as i thought she was worth it but the evidence suggests otherwise. i hate being wrong. My EGO is out in force this morning - you have been wronged and hurt - lash out, hurt them, fuck them. I need to return to love, self love, and forgiveness. i'm going to go do some forgiveness EFT right now, as this bitter bile is choking my will, and it is nothing but poison.
 
Back
Top